I cannot believe we are going thru this again

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Jan 28, 2011.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Trying very hard not to dissolve in a puddle of tears right now. Or hysterical laughter. Or just run off into the snow, never to be found again.

    Diva has been increasingly difficult over the last several months. Pretty much just a royal pain. Everything I say is just wrong wrong wrong. She cannot be asked to do a doggone thing without flying off the handle. I chalked it up to typical teen garbage. She'll be 13 in less than a month.

    Got a call from school SW this morning. Diva's cutting. Color me stunned, especially after all the cr*p she gave thank you over his cutting. Apparently she told a friend, who thankfully told SW. But what has me even more worried is that SW said that Diva's train of thought seemed "irrational" to her. I have to be honest, I have not had any meaningful conversation with- her in weeks. I feel like mother of the year right now (NOT).

    SW would not divulge any details of her conversation, other to say that Diva's way is the only way according to Diva. SW mentioned "irrational" several times. I know this lady from when thank you was in 1st and 2nd grade - she seemed to know her stuff back then. Diva would not even consider, for example, that friend who reported her was trying to help which baffles me because we *just* had a conversation about 2 weeks ago re: the importance of letting an adult know if a friend is hurting themselves or talking about hurting themselves (friend is apparently getting aggressive/violent). Bottom line, SW recommends evaluation ASAP and counseling.

    You know you've been dealing with- difficult child-land too long when therapists have retired. Mine is gone. thank you's genius of a therapist is amazingly still in practice. Not in today, but I gave receptionist the run down, said Diva is thank you's sis, and receptionist is going to talk with- therapist Monday to see if we can get her in really fast. In the meantime, I have to figure out a way to finesse her to get her to talk to me and try to get a glimpse of the cuts so I can figure out if we're off on round who-knows-what in terms of hospital evaluations.

    I really just want to close my eyes, click my heels 3 times, and land in Kansas (or *someplace) where all is good and healthy.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sue, I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry.

    Rather than a therapist, can you get her into a psychiatrist ASAP? I worry that with the irrational thoughts and cutting, she may need medications rather than talk therapy sooner rather than later.

    Hugs. We're here for you.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh Sue - I just feel so horrible for you!!! I don't know what to say either - except that sometimes cutting can be a "trial" kind of thing. It is really so popular in school nowadays it is frightening. Matt cut just because everybody else was - um - ok? And then several weeks later he stopped. It is a warning sign, obviously, and concerning - but her hormones are also going bonkers - which could be fueling some depression and disorganized thinking as well. I know it started for me at that age - but that does not mean that she will become a total difficult child. She could just really need a simple evaluation and a little bit of a medication. to get her re-stabilized. Deep breaths......and many hugs.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I toyed with- idea of psychiatrist, but to be frank, not a single one that thank you ever saw was useful in terms of evaluating. The only way I finally got him into the system was via the ER because no one was hearing me, but... outpatient psychiatrist visits were just me listing behaviors, thank you usually sitting on his face (ahhhh, the good old days, LOL), and more drugs being thrown at the problem. I'm seriously not a huge fan of psychiatrists. I'm not anti-medication and if we have to go that route, then we will, absolutely, but... I trust this therapist completely and I have total confidence that he will be able to get an idea of what if anything (denial anyone???) is going on and if it's something urgent, I know he will get us in to where we need to be.

    On a happier note, mental health parity has hit husband's company. Thank goodness - no more rationing of therapist/psychiatrist visits to last the year. Hallelujah!
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hugs, hon - I know about that OMG feeling. I'm thinking of you, and Diva, keeping you in my prayers and bead rattles.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Has anyone seen the cuts? Could it be the 2 girls are being....well girls? Creating drama for each other?

    I really, really hope I am right. It is what I thought while I was reading, so I am hoping it is a gut feeling.

    Sorry for your worry, Slsh!
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Questions from a former cutter: Is she hiding it? i.e. cutting places not usually seen, like upper leg? Surface cuts or deep cuts? Random cuts when she's angry or stressed, or patterns/designs? Any idea what she's using to cut?
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm so sorry. Hope she can get in to see therapist soon. Any idea where she is cutting? I think I would insist upon seeing to not only validate the story (did she show school SW?), but to make sure everything is clean.


  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Apparently on right wrist per SW, who did see it. She wears a thick leather band on her wrist so it's hidden. Could be other places, which is one of my concerns. Used scissors, which have now been removed from her room. Realistically though, she could use anything at this point - we haven't locked up knives since 2000. Still have locking tool box if needed. I'm assuming SW would have told me if they required medical attn - I have to admit, I was dumb-struck during most of the conversation.

    Plan is I will take her out to dinner this evening and try to get her to talk. I am not telling her SW called (at SW's request, which I respect). Hopefully I'll get an idea of if she's really "irrational" or what... trying to psychiatric myself up for it, because I'm sure it will be one long kvetch session about how horrible her life is, what lousy parents she has, how we don't let her do anything, how we're ruining her life, blah blah blah blah.

    Moment of undiluted self-pity - I cannot believe that just as thank you turns into a fairly rational human being and is a real joy to be around, Diva loses it. I'm trying to deal with my feelings about having Boo home 24/7 for the rest of my life and I'm trying really hard to hold it together, less than successfully. I have got to find the fortitude to be therapeutic mom again for my girl. I just really don't want to do this again. What we want and what we get are 2 completely different things.

    OK, pity-party over. It's pointless to dwell. Things are what they are...
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Sue. Sending hugs and extra strength.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Ditto. Hugs. DDD
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We went through this with easy child 2/difficult child 2. She's still a worry although she stopped cutting about 8 years ago. But I know it went on for years and we couldn't get her to admit to it. She covered up her arms for years. Now she doesn't cover up, you can see the scars. She has talked about it since.

    I was sad on her wedding day - she wore a beautiful gown, sleeveless and strapless (apart from two tiny straps we sewed on). The scars are visible, all up her arms. And were visible to all on her wedding day. Arms criss-crossed with them. Both arms. One or two of those scars are thick and raised, they were deep cuts which didn't heal well. She will one day have to explain them to her children.

    hugs. This is so difficult.

    When easy child 2/difficult child 2's cutting was going on, I also felt like a bad mother for not being able to intervene. But she was so difficult, so much in denial, and we already had so many other problems that seemed to leave her in the shade - easy child knew and would tell me, and we would discuss what we could do. Nothing. I told the pediatrician - easy child 2/difficult child 2 just denied it, said I was crazy. Nothing was done.

    In your case, it has only just re-started, and you feel like a bad mother. Well, in my case I knew about it for years and we did nothing. So take a number and wait - I'm ahead of you in the bad mother queue! (in other words - don't feel so bad, you're doing what you can as soon as you could have)

  13. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    ::sending you some ruby slippers::

    kinda odd that the SW you've known forever chose this moment to guard privacy....and irrational is an interesting choice of words for an almost 13 year old.
    i thought websters defined teen as irrational...right after colossal PITA'es.

    i personally dont think its necessarily "irrational" that she wouldnt consider that the friend might have been trying to help her...maybe she was, or maybe she was a pot stirrer. i do think its concerning if she is cutting but it seems to me you have a good starting place in wanting to talk to her. its probably worthwhile to check in with a therapist too...hormones, living with gfgdom, and more hormones can be a stressful time.

    sorry you have to deal with it.
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Did this start about the time it became certain you'd have Boo at home for good?
    I know it's hard, hon. *HUGS* It could be anything from a cry for attention to serious issues. Is she feeling/acting emotionally numb? Angry at herself? Lonesome?
  15. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    How can anyone who is so together as you be a bad mother? I mean really. If you are the a bad mother then some of the rest of us must be real losers. lol.
    I'm sorry about the cutting, not a part of gfgdom I have experienced.
    Hope you can get a handle on what is going on with therapist.
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm so sorry Sue. I'm praying really hard that this is a teenage phase and nothing more. I know I live in fear of one of the others going off the tracks.

    Call me if you need anything.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. We went through this with Wiz for years. Sadly, it wasn't new because my mom is a cutter. With Wiz what worked was my mom seeing how the cutting was hurting him and asking if she stopped cutting would he stop cutting? Depending on how rational and reasonable thank you is, HE may be one who can get through to her. I don't know, that would NOT be a step to take lightly. I do know that Wiz has already spoken to Jess about it and has asked her to call him 24/7 if she feels any desire to cut - before she does it.

    My father banned Wiz' wrist bands (the terrycloth kind) because infection risk and if he was going to do it then he needed to be open about it. I worry about a leather band that is worn all the time over cuts because many many germs can and will grow on that band. When Wiz cut his legs he had to let my dad inspect them and treat them. Periodically my dad would have him show the cuts - I know my dad looked sad, but didn't punish or do much but check for infection. He also put boxes of those alcohol wipes around the house and Wiz was to use those to clean up the blood on himself and on whatever he cut with. My mother has a very supressed immune system so the risk of infection to her from anything with blood on it was huge. They used this reason. Wiz actually did use the wipes on the cuts because they hurt. He refused to use peroxide or even soap and water, but alcohol made the cuts more painful. I know they are NOT the best thing to clean a wound of any kind with, but they sure are better than having blood everywhere.

    Sue, you have to stop beating yourself up. It is going to make the situation a lot worse. You are FAR from a bad mother. Yes, you didn't see this. Neither did ANY other adult until some teen girl told them. You realized she was having problems, but there is a REASON that MANY psychiatric conditions are NOT diagnosed until age 18 or later. It is because the symptoms of the disorders are ALSO symptoms of being a teen. yes, I said that the same behaviors that are "normal" in teens are also signs of many serious disorders including personality disorders. It is ALSO on of the reasons that our legal system treats those under 18 differently than those over 18 with the exception of some serious crimes.

    She does need help. You have a good handle on getting that set up. MOST of us would need at least a week to find someone to help. YOU called a genius therapist and the receptionist will let you know soon, likely today, how they are going to help. That is AMAZING and WONDERFUL. This ISN"T a problem taht is going to get help on an emergency basis. Heck, unless they are bleeding to the point that it needs stitches or worse, our ER won't even see a cutter. They tell you to go home and use peroxide and bandaids. Period.

    So there is NO WAY you are a bad mom because your drama loving daughter - who has been drama loving for as long as I have known you (hence the name Diva) - has been able to hide some problems behind an increase in drama at an age when MOST girls are NOTORIOUS for having an increase in drama simply due to their ages.

    I am SO SORRY thta she is hurting this badly and hiding this. Esp if she is slipping into irrational thoughts and some sort of mental illness is now one of her problems. Hopefully she can be helped through this problem so that she can heal and handle these feelings/problems better in the future.

  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First off, no way are you a bad mom! You are an amazing mom. I'm so sorry about the cutting. I'm glad to hear thank you's therapist is not retired. I wish I had the answer to why once one starts to be more pleasant another starts to go the other direction. Is it written somewhere that we moms of difficult children can't enjoy a peaceful stretch at any point? Hugs.
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Awww....gawd, Sue. Diva? :difficult child: What can I say that you hasn't been said, thought, heard or considered? :sigh:

    You do know, don't you, that we are here for just these moments of undiluted self pity? It's what we do best. :bigsmile:

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Sue...hugs. Not our Diva!

    Well I dont think it has a thing to do with thank you or Boo. Genetics? ehh...maybe slightly or maybe its the hormones and age and time we live in right now. It seems more kids are cutting right now because its so popular with the stars. I was a cutter. Havent in a long time now though. If you look really close though you can see the word "hate" scratched into my arm...lol.

    I think a therapist is a good starting point as is a good talk with mom. She knows you love her. She always has. It may just be her hormones are way out of whack. Her age is such a time of turmoil. Who knows, maybe she just needs some fish oil and all will be well.