I can't do this again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Nov 12, 2007.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    easy child 1 just came to me and said she is feeling awful inside. We talked for a bit...she said she has panic attacks at school and has been thinking about hurting herself.

    I told her because of her age...14...she has to approach the school counsellor and talk to them...or tell the doctor...as a parent, my hands are tied.

    She took that to mean I don't care, that I won't help. That's not it at all. The first words out of her mouth was "I need pills". When I pushed her a bit about it, she told me she feels anxious all the time.

    Part of it is all the :censored2: we've gone through in the last two years and she's just started high school. I am not saying she's not legit, not in any way.

    But she has a friend that unloads constantly on her about her crappy life(even though it's been proven she's got a decent one).

    Is this part of going to high school? I honestly cannot go through this again. With difficult child Jess, I was ripped apart...children's aid society and police were involved, I came close to losing all my children and being charged. I've gone through hell and back and do not have the strength to do it again.... :sad:

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful



    I thought the same thing when Nichole decided to email her principal a suicide note. After all the h*ll we went thru/were going thru with Travis to have her suddenly fall apart made me feel like I was drowning.

    Like you said, you all have had a really rough 2 yrs. And with hs and all it might be taking it's toll on her. Personally, I'd keep the school out of it. And take her to see a therapist and see what they think.

    It's possible she won't need anything more than someone to unload to and get reassurance from. Even if her anxiety is at a point now where medications might be needed, it doesn't mean they always will.

    I was on anxiety medications for 2 yrs. But with psychiatrists help and techniques I learned to cope with the anxiety without them. Now I'm fairly anxiety free. Which is saying ALOT because at that time I had trouble even leaving the house.

    You can address the anxiety with her while still teaching her that life goes on, anxiety or not.

    I'm sorry she's having trouble.

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. It is so hard on everyone. I hope you can find ways to help her.

    There is a book called the phobia and anxiety workbook that my psychiatrist and several tdocs I know speak highly of Even if YOu go through it, maybe you will find ways to help her.

    If she tells the truth, it seems there will be no reason for any investigation, but maybe things happen differently where you are than in the US.

  4. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I'm a little unclear as to why you think your parental hands are tied (?).

    I agree with the others - I would seek some outside professional help. If she is verbalizing her desire to hurt herself, that is worth taking some action.

    My experience with the school counselors is that they are totally overworked. In many instances this translates to apathy. Even if your daughter went to one, she may not get the best care.

    I'm sorry you are going thru this again. I know how exhausting it is.
  5. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    My hands are tied because where I live, once a child reaches the age of 14, parents cannot force a child to seek medical/mental help. We can only advise, give them contact numbers, urge them to talk to the doctor and make an appointment with a family doctor.

    If she accesses the school she attends, they have a wonderful peer support group for grade nine students that I think she would benefit from greatly.

    If she mentions to the counsellor who runs the program that she has thoughts of harming herself than the counsellor is obligated to inform children's aid and we will undergo an investigation again.

    I am not trying to poo-poo her at all but her two friends are cutters and I overheard a conversation last week between the three of them that if she wants something she just has to threaten to cut and she'll get what she wants.

    I made mistakes with difficult child 1 and don't want to repeat them. husband doesn't want to hear it, says it stresses him out, tells me to buck up and deal with it. I have a 12 yr old as well that is pure snot this last month and I am so exhausted having to take care of and deal with everyone else's problems/tantrums/needs/wants that I have given thought to packing up and walking out...

  6. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Are you kidding me???? Sorry, I would begin a crusade to repeal that law!!

    So.......is it against the law to call & make an appointment with a physician for your 14 yr old? I mean, I understand the 'cannot force' part, heck, none of us parents can force our kids to do anything! :wink: That's kinda why we're here! :wink:

    I'm really sorry for your pain. I don't mean this post to sound so flippant, I apologize that you can't hear the tone in my voice. Believe me, I'm speaking with compassion, not indignation.

    I hope you can find a way to help your daughter. And husband?? I just happily gave him a swift-kick for you! :laugh:

  7. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Carolanne,
    just want to tell you I know that feeling of not being able to do it again. When my difficult child 1 went to her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (she was nearly 16) I was really looking forward to time with difficult child 2 (who was easy child at that time) who was 13. I can't tell you how shocked I was when she revealed some major emotional problems. I thought she was fine! My first reaction was that I just couldn't deal with this--I so needed her to be fine after all I'd gone through with her sister. I was so discouraged and depressed. But, I did pick myself up and get on with finding her help.

    I don't know about your situation but my difficult child 2's problems were almost entirely caused by her older sister--abuse by her and just living with someone who was so emotionally unstable. I think many of the siblings of difficult children do not escape unscathed.

    Both my girls were "cutters". I think difficult child 1 did it mostly for attention--she got lots of it from friends and teachers and therapists, etc. It made her popular somehow--I think most of her behavior was an attempt to gain notoriety. I'm not sure why difficult child 2 did it--maybe more for the release--I don't think she was doing it for attention. One thing I do know is that it has become very popular and I wouldn't be surprised to hear a kid say they should do it because they will then get anything they want!

    Thinking of you,
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's amazing how so many of us have been through this situation.
    When easy child started to have anxiety. I did not want to believe it, deal with it or even hear about it. I just kept thinking "not again" and "what's wrong with my kids, me our family?"

    easy child had some real anxiety. difficult child's dr. saw easy child and sort of gave me a wake up call. easy child needed some help and I needed to hear it. In the end it was nothing like difficult child. It was easy child's issues/illness and he is as entitled to have less than perfect emotional health. Just like the rest of us.

    Eventually he had some serious medical problems. I didn't want to hear he was having what turned out to be seizures and needed brain surgery. I had a hard time jumping on board the mother of a sick child train again.

    You have to allow each child to have their particular issues regardless of our post traumatic stress reaction.
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your hands may be tied as to forcing her into treatment, but it sounds like she WANTS help. There's nothing to stop you from going with her to the appointments, or just generally supporting her.

    I know it's hard. I really think most of my Youngests' issues stem from being "left out" while I was attending to Oldest's multiple issues for years and years. Take a deep breath. Try not to panic, to think too far ahead. Hold her hand, and guide her.

    Many hugs.
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I definetely agree that you should seek outside help for her. It's a major plus that she came to you with her concerns.

    On another note, and I apologize if I offend any school counselors out there, but my experience is that you rarely find a school counselor that really does any affective counseling. In the old days, they did. Now, they are mostly schedule writers.

  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I would seek outside help and not involve the school yet. If she is asking for pills, then this could be a good way of atleast getting her in the door to see somebody, who hopefully would not offer her medication as her first option, but rather try alternative ways to help her first.

    Sounds to me like she's asking for help. I would jump on it while she's asking.
  12. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    I hope I am not coming across as uncaring or hateful. Please don't think I don't care about her... I do. I am just sooo very tired. It just seems I am getting slapped constantly.

    Not to minimize the situation but I'm having to pull my boots up and figure out how to help her, help gfgd, help my 12 yr old navigate some nasty stuff at school, my taps burst in the kitchen today and flooded my house, had a repair guy come in and now the entire first floor needs to be ripped up and a new sub-floor installed as it's all rotting(we rent by the way), husband is spiraling, and my little boy and I have chicken pox :hammer: :smile: I am itchy, and tired, feel like my head is gonna explode but hey I have to hold it together...pass the freaking duct tape :rofl:

    I made an appointment with doctor and easy child 1 and I will be there tomorrow...gonna ask for something for myself as well...I love my kids I honestly do I just want that bloody white picket fence, green grass, full cupboard/fridge and kids who make you go "ahhhhh".....

  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Sending hugs, strength, and lots of good juju your way.
  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    Carolanne, as long as you can maintain a sense of humor you can do this.

  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Me too, me too........I totally understand. :9-07tears:
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Oh My Goodness Gracious......you are having one H of a time, aren't you? I'm sorry.

    Although the issues aren't the same I truly do understand the
    thought "I just can't do it again". I also understand "it is just not fair". It's all true, my friend, but some people just
    flat out get called to do more than they believe they can do or
    should have to do. Those people usually get the job done.

    I've got faith in you. Sending hugs. DDD
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I feel so bad you have the chicken pox. I got them when I was probably around 30 and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I'm scrathing just thinking about it.
    I found taking baths in aveeno and then patting every area that was effected, which for me was every area, with witch hazel helped so much. It doesn't burn like alcohol. It's a nice soothing cool feeling that really helped with the itch, and it's not going to dry your skin out. I used to soak a wash cloth with it and use it like a compress.