I cant even be around him

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sloane, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. sloane

    sloane New Member

    I feel so lost. My adult son, who is 20 yrs of age, still in school, is also developmentally delayed. He has a low IQ.

    He is so disrespectful and bossy. If you dont follow his orders, things get pretty ugly from throwing chairs to breaking walls.

    We adopted him when he was 6 yrs of age. He has been to two resi programs due to his angry outbursts but has been home for quite a few years but nothing has worked.

    the minute he gets up, he starts with the demands. "where is my ___________" "where is my _________" When I try to tell him that I didn't have it he then tells me I have to look for them.

    he has learned this self helplessness.

    He calls me lazy and every name you can think of. If I stand my ground on not helping him, he goes into these rages where at times we had to call the police to get him admitted into the hospital.

    lately, the minute he gets up, I just leave the house.

    I talked to his DSS workers around finding a group home for him, but they dont have any and the fact he is still at home, doesn't make him a priority.

    The sad part is, I am not even sure if I love him anymore.

    If he wasnt delayed, he would of been out on ass a long time ago and probably even in jail by his violent behavior.

    I am not sure what to do.

    So I am reaching out to see if anyone has any thoughts. I know I sound like a horrible person, but its hard to be around someone that just wants to battle with you if you dont do what they want.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Sloane, welcome to the forum. I am sorry for your troubles with your son, it is gut wrenching to read, I can't imagine living with this.
    No, you don't sound like a horrible person, you are being held captive in your own home, your son is of adult age, abusive and violent. He has control over your home. This does not sit well, even though he has issues. There are many here who have liberated their mentally ill adult children. I am sure they will come along and give advice.
    My two are out, due to drug issues.
    I wanted to let you know you are not alone and my heart goes out to you. I hope you will find answers here, to get your house and your life back.
    So very sorry for your heartache.
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  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    If you do not mind me asking how developmentally delayed is he?
  4. sloane

    sloane New Member

    Thank you for not judging me new leaf. And thank you for your words of comfort.

    adad. He has IQ of 63, but I think its higher, he is on a lot of medications and when he gets tired, he doesnt try to do anything. Dont get me wrong, its low, but I dont think its that low.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You are not going to live forever. At some point, the system will have to step in.

    I think you need to start documenting the violence. Video his outbursts. Call police now, and explain that he is mentally unstable (not criminal or an addict), but that you will sometimes have to call for your own safety. This is so they know what they are walking into when you call.

    If you feel for your own safety, look into a restraining order. Let his caseworkers know that you are going to have to pursue this, as it is no longer safe for you to live with him - and he can't live on his own.
  6. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Why so many medications does he has a physical disease also?
    If he was not MD I will have suggested to kick him out and let him sick or swim but doubt he has the capacity to learn the skilla to swim alone so that will be cruel. There is a member here that has a autistic son who found a great solution for her son. You might find a lot of help from her solution. I hope she sees this post and answers.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thats me, but my son has a normal IQ, is well behaved, works etc. He is one of three kids we adopted who are amaxing. But we also adopted a few older kids (one was also six) without good results. Generally it is hard for an older child to love well because his life is full of being neglected, thrown around and possibly physical/sexual abuse before meeting us. They come to us damaged and we think we can love them.to happiness, but it isnt that simple. It really doesnt tend to work that way. Some of them are terrified of closeness to anyone and refuse to bond...or try and can't. Many act out. Some are so angry they are dangerous. They may have suffered some traumas they cant even remember consciously. We had a boy like that.

    Some of the kids, like my mildly autistic son, were exposed to substances before they were even born. This is important. It can cause brain damage. We were lucky. His only problem is very high functioning autism. But some get fetal slcohol syndrome and frontal lobe brain problems. Some have trouble learning to reason or understanding right from wrong. Others cant make good decisions.None of this is your fault. You did not know him when this happened, but it does the child.

    My son does gets services through Disabilty, but is doing well on his own. Your son, because of low IQ and probably other problems...reactive attachment disorder maybe?...he will need maybe a group home and more supervision than my son. I strongly recommend using all the services he is entitled to. Get him on Disability if hes not. Get him into group independent living so you can both grow.

    Do you think the medications help? The wrong medications can make people even worse.

    And take care of YOU as well!!
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2016
  8. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Hi there, I am so sorry for what you are having to live daily in your own home. You need to apply to get him disability, he would qualify. This will get him some financial support and open him up to services for developmentally impaired adults. You have to start working on a plan to get him out on his own, group home, apartment or shared housing.

    You have found yourself a prisoner in your own home and his is the Warden. This has to get under control. But first step is go to SS and apply for disability. Get medication records, school records, something showing his low IQ, anger issues. My son has IQ around 70 and had anger issues and qualified for help/services.

    Then, try and find counseling for yourself to learn how to handle the behavior out-bursts and demands. He knows you are AFRAID of him and has learned that he can scream and order you around- I so get this fear. It creeps up slowly on you.

    Most importantly, you are not a bad person. YOU are human, you are a Mother who has a Difficult Child with multiple issues, handicaps. Stay here as there is so much support and folks who have been where you are- and even if not, will provide an ear, a hug and a safe place to land.
  9. My son acted much the same way, but with an above avg IQ so that prevented him from qualifying for services. I was told to qualify for a group home he'd need an IQ of less than 70. Your son's IQ should allow him to qualify for services and SSI, etc.

    When I first came on this site, someone told me that we, as parents, aren't equipped to help our mentally ill or delayed adult children and it is now society's role to step in. It's not that we don't care, or don't want to. We simply don't have the resources to do it, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. That helped me really put things in perspective.

    My son is my biological child, and still there have been times I have felt absolutely void of love for him. I think it's part of the trauma of living with and raising these kids. It's a self protection strategy. Don't be too hard on yourself.
  10. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    This is finally what allowed me to get the interventions my son needed. It was hard but unstopped they will escalate and it takes a team of trained people, not just a beaten down parent, to manage these kids. In Texas the criteria for admission to state supported living facilities is 71 and we have a pretty low threshold for helping people with disabilities. Your son may have a higher IQ in verbal functioning but lower composite which makes him appear better than his score of 63. However, in most cases he would be considered fairly impaired. I think it took a long time for me to realize how impaired my son was because I didn't want to accept it. On the other hand, I didn't want to just assume a label either, so I understand your reasoning.

    A lot of his helplessness is because of his low IQ and his demanding personality is a disorder that has been brought on to cover for this helplessness. In this respect, he is somewhat higher functioning because he has the capacity to know he isn't normal. You might research organizations in your state to help you place him in a system that can help keep him and you safe. As you state, he will be in jail for his violent behavior, my child is living testament to this. The state won't do anything until you force them to in most cases. You might google thearc.org. They have a wealth of resources on how to advocate for people with intellectual disabilities. And my dear, I totally understand the lack of support from all facets of society that comes with raising a child such as this. I walk it with you. And of course you question loving him, these behaviors don't necessarily engender feelinGs of love and then the whole guilt comes up about these feelings. I think you will find here a safe, non-judemental place to share these "taboo" thoughts concerning our Difficult Child.
  11. sloane

    sloane New Member

    I want to thank you all for posting.
    To answer a few suggestions:

    -He is on SSI, I applied for when he was 18.
    -he does have attachment issues, but not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
    -he is under DDS, they will not place him out of the home. We have tried. They stated he is not considered a priority due to the fact that he is not in a residential program.

    We would of thrown him out, but due to his IQ, we cant do that.

    The medications he is on, is due to his behavior, nothing physical.

    We just left the EW last night after calling the police. WE went to the movies with a friend of his and we were heading back to our house and we were going to serve the boys hot dogs and hamburgers, he didnt want that.

    He said that he was hungry. So i offered him a bunch of ideas. He didnt want those ideas.

    He ended up spitting on me, breaking the fridge door, yelling, crying, threatening, blah blah blah. He started banging his head against a wall, he then took a knife and said he was going to stab himself, and thats when I called.

    He ended up on the floor crying and screaming.

    I think I will have to call our state rep.