I can't seem to catch a break

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Nov 1, 2016.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    My anxiety has been really, really high now for a very long time, and now I have no therapist. I have my mom to thank for that. She had gotten so sick of hearing about my health issues and anxiety, that she agreed to pay for a therapist twice a month. Since medications are no longer helping and haven't helped in quite some time, I took her up on it. I started seeing my therapist a few months ago.

    I was supposed to see her again last Thursday, but my mom suddenly told me last minute she would not pay for the visit. I can not afford it on my own. I told my mom that if I cancelled last minute, my therapist would charge a $50 late fee, which I definitely can't afford to pay, and my mom told me too bad, so sad. She will not be paying. I had no choice but to cancel.

    Now I'm stuck with no therapist and we hadn't even gotten to my health anxiety yet. So far all she has had me talk about is past boyfriends, my dad's physical and mental abuse, and my older brother's sexual abuse. Last week is when I was finally going to get a chance to tell her about how I have been obsessing over my health. In the last year, I have diagnosed myself with brain tumors, rabies, stomach cancer, cancer of the esophagus, throat cancer, and the list goes on and on and on.

    I am having terrible physical symptoms because of all of this. Take Friday, for example. All day long I was having scary heart palpitations, my heart was pounding hard and fast in my chest, I was dizzy and lightheaded, I had a terrible migraine, and I felt like I could pass out at any time. I don't normally do this, but I left work and hour and 15 minutes early because I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some Tylenol for my headache, and while I was there I took my blood pressure.

    My blood pressure at the time was 186 over 110 and my pulse was 123. No wonder I felt like I was going to pass out! After I got home, I felt a bit better but still sick so I went to be early. I didn't have another panic attack till yesterday morning, and here I am sitting here with the exact same panic attack I was having since yesterday.

    Yes, my panic attacks last THAT long. Hours, sometimes even days. I am determined to make it through the full days of work since I left early on Friday, but it's not easy. After I get caught up on bills after Christmas, I can afford to start seeing a new therapist and pay for it myself. Then I am going to have to start ALL over again, with someone new, and tell my whole life story before I can get some help. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't catch a break. Darned my mom for cancelling out on me last minute!
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Cali, are you on medication for hypertension? I ask because while it may be anxiety making your blood pressure that high, the blood pressure is very concerning. That is extraordinarily high and you need to have it under control. I know that there is no way to know if it's anxiety until you have a chance to have it taken when you aren't having a panic attack, but that is something you really need to find out. Does your work have an Employee Assistance Program? Mine pays for six visits with a therapist per year.

    I'm sorry you are going through this.
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CB, I'm so sorry about your circumstances and that your Mom is not willing to continue paying for your therapist. I know your fears are debilitating for you.

    One thing you may try is to ask the therapist if she would be willing to give you a financial break, to pay what you can? Some therapists are willing to adjust their pay scale to sliding scale, it may be worth a try. You might also see if Social Services in your area can help with therapists. If your earnings are small enough, you may be eligible for some kind of public assistance. I am in CA. as well, and CA. offers Medi-cal or Medi-care, but your local Social Services org. can help you. Or you can go on their website, perhaps they give a breakdown of finances for eligibility. If you can get on Medi-cal, they do have therapists. In the absence of those options, you might try asking your present therapist if she has referrals for therapists who do sliding scale, or who take Medi-cal if you end up eligible. Your Medical Doctors may also be able to refer you. If it were me, I would start calling around to see what my options are for getting therapy. Keep asking those Dr's in your sphere for referrals or options, ask your friends, don't assume you can't have therapy, assume you may have to do some research, you may have to make some phone calls, but keep at it until you find someone who can help you.

    Lil's idea of the Employee Assistance Program is a good one, I hope they have that for you, if so, give that a try. If you have Kaiser Insurance through your employer, they have therapists for your co-pay and many, many good classes for anxiety and depression as well.

    I agree that your blood pressure is way too high. Have you considered meditation? You can go on YouTube and access all kinds of guided meditations for anxiety. One group I particularly enjoy are the Honest Guys who offer good guided meditations, many for anxiety and stress relief. Meditation lowers blood pressure and can really help with anxiety if you do it regularly.

    Hang in there CB, you've had a year of a lot of stress, serious stress with your son's health, your breakup with your boyfriend, your continuing health issues and your job.........seek support and don't stop until you get what you need, it's out there, you just have to find it.

    Sending you hugs and prayers that you find exactly what you need......
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2016
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    When my first husband left me unexpectedly (I had a 10 month old at the time) I was able to see a therapist for $5 per week which was based on a sliding scale in the community where I lived. I had a fairly good job at that time but had a lot of expenses. You may want to check into that as RecoveringEnabler suggested.

    The best thing to do is count on yourself. I never counted on anyone for anything at that time in my life - that way no one will let you down! No expectations.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Find your county mental health center. They work in a sliding scale. I am always pleased with the therapists I get there.

    Price isn't everything. I agree with RN that it is best to do only what you yourself can afford. Depending on others, even a relative, puts your fate in someone else's hands. If you are religious, churches offer counseling often for free.
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    And the end result is it makes you a much stronger person. That is key.

    Not strong enough for what I'm going through with my son but oh well!
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    NAMI has regular support groups and classes for anxiety, depression and bipolar. These are free and very helpful. There is NO reason you cannot get help except not being willing to look up the times and reach out for info.

    It is time for you to take over your life and reach out for the help you need. Members here have pointed out resources to you many many times. If you are not going to go find the help you need, given the many things that have been suggested to you, you are always going to have these problems. They are not going to magically disappear. You need HELP and all we can do here is tell you how to get it. It is up to you and you alone to accept it and utilize it. We can do nothing more for you than we have already done each and every time you post about this problem.

    Go and get help from one of the MANY resources we have suggested or accept that you will always have these problems.
  8. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Actually since I gained all this weight (70 pounds) my blood pressure has always been high every time it's been checked. So far none of the doctors I've seen have recommended taking any medications for it. I have always wondered about that. I went to my doctor in late September and my blood pressure was 144 over 86. Not quite as high as it has been in the past, but still high. My doctor commented that my blood pressure was elevated and noticed it has been elevated in the past, but made no other mention of it. We were there to talk about my GERD.

    I am going back to see him on the tenth of this month. At our next appointment, I am going to mention medications. When I was thin, my blood pressure was always around 100 over 60, and I still had bad anxiety back then. I don't think it's anxiety alone that's causing the spike in my blood pressure. Since I gained all this weight, it suddenly became very high. Good news is I started a brand new mostly protein related diet a week ago, and so far I have lost 3 pounds. I don't feel hungry at all. I think I will stick with this diet. I am losing more weight than I did on Weight Watchers, at least so far. Anyway, losing weight should help my blood pressure, but I do think I need to be on medications in the meantime. I will also look into getting therapy through my work. Great suggestion.
  9. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Forget I ever posted. Thanks.
  10. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Ouch!!! You may think that by telling it like it is will help California Blonde get on the right track, but all your response did was shut her down and this is a place for all of us to vent due to the nature of what we are dealing with. And to give gentle, caring responses. Leave the tough talk for the therapists. But I am sure you knew that....
  11. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Maisy, go back and read the history behind the post Susiestar made. She is not jumping CB out of the blue. All of the advice CB is being offered here is advice she had been offered many times before over a period of years.

    The pattern of CB's depending on her mother for financial assistance, rides, and childcare, and in exchange allowing her mother way too much control over her life, and way too much information about herself and her children is a longstanding one.

    CB has been advised to distance herself from her mother many times before. Her mother uses money and assistance to control her. CB, for whatever reasons, has been unable to change her lifestyle and job circumstances so as to be independent of her mother's assistance, despite the negative impact continued interaction with her mother has on both her and her children.

    In addition, CB suffers from crippling general and health anxiety and has been advised repeatedly to seek psychological/psychiatric assistance for that. Having been unsuccessful with the one or two counsellors she has tried, and not being able to afford private mental health care, she has been repeatedly advised to seek care at county or other taxpayer-funded facilities that bill on a sliding scale, and/or to seek assistance from NAMI and the employee assistance services available through her employer

    She has refused to do so.

    I know Susie. She is one of the kindest and most caring people you would ever want to meet. She is not being harsh or hateful. She is simply voicing her feelings of frustration. I suspect she isn't the only one feeling this way at this point.
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    We are all here for you, and everyone has your best interests at heart.

    Definitely talk to your doctor about your blood pressure! That is serious. If he doesn't recommend medications, ask him why. Do you get any info from your doctor electronically as an option? I do, and I ask the nurse questions on their site by my private account if I have any concerns or need clarification.

    Also, ask your physician about your anxiety concerning your health. I bet he will understand and may be able to direct you to some community services you may not know about, to get mental health services.

    Try calling 211 which is a help line run by United Way. They often know of many services that are free or low-cost. I have directed people here and they have all found services they didn't know about.

    How are kids doing?

    Let us know how things are going.

  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For those who don't feel they want to participate in supporting CB, please refrain from posting. CB's postings are her opportunity to vent, she does not have a large support system and we provide that for her. There is no reason to continue interpreting or explaining someone else's motives.

    CB, if you feel so inclined, please continue posting, we're here for you.
  14. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    I understand that it can be extremely frustrating when someone does not seek the help that you and I feel that they need but in reality we cannot force someone to seek help. I have a son that complains but does not seek the help that he needs but my comments to him have only stalemated the process. My concern here is that I would feel the same as CA Blonde, if someone came at me like susiestar did. Makes me wonder when I post about myself, that if I repeat myself, I am going to get slammed. Really not trying to stir up trouble, just want people to be aware how they would feel in the same situation.
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  15. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Losing 30 lbs lowered my blood pressure and eliminated my issues with acid reflux, but my doctor won't take me off of blood pressure medications until my top blood pressure number is consistently under 120. He wants me to lose another 10 lbs.

    Eating less carbs works really well for me. I don't pay much attention to calories, just cut out sugar, wheat etc.

    in my humble opinion you need to talk with your therapist about lower cost alternatives. Here are a few links about finding affordable therapy.




    I agree. Our community is here to offer support.
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  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Yeah! For your recent weight loss!

    What diet ate you following?
  17. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    while it is kind and sometimes helpful, support can also take on rough & jagged edges
  18. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I am sort of doing my own thing with low fat/high protein meals. I have a few friends/coworkers who lost a bunch of weight pretty quickly by doing the protein shake diet. Basically they drank a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, had two low calorie snacks in between, and had a sensible dinner. I tried the protein shakes for a couple of days last week, and discovered the taste wasn't all that great and they weren't very filling. I searched for alternatives at the store, and found out that nonfat yogurt, low fat cottage cheese, and low fat cheese is much more filling, and even less calories than the shakes.

    I am doing fat free yogurt for breakfast and a cup of low fat cottage cheese for lunch, with a slice of low fat cheese and a small handful of nuts for snacks. Then I just eat a sensible dinner. I am averaging between 1,000 and 1,100 calories a day. So far I don't fee deprived and I have been able to stick with it. When I was doing Weight Watchers I was averaging a pound a week. That would mean it would take me more than a year to lose the weight. I was so discouraged that I would give up, cheat, and binge eat. Now I am losing the weight a bit faster, but not too fast, and feeling great besides the anxiety. For the first time in months, I am feeling positive about actually losing these 70 pounds ( well 67 now!)
  19. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Ummm, actually this is the first time I have heard of someone mentioning NAMI, and I have already stated to you people NUMEROUS times I do not qualify for any state assistance because I make too much.
  20. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thank you for asking about my kids. I haven't discussed them in awhile. My son is doing great physically after the surgery, but unfortunately not so good in school. He is currently getting 3 F's. Last year he begged me and his teacher to drop his study skills class, since he hated it. He promised he would do the work on his own. We had an IEP and we agreed to drop that class this year and see how he does. That plan didn't work out so great. He is getting numerous zeros in most of his classes, even thought the teachers have been very accommodating in modifying assignments and giving him extra time. We had another IEP a couple of weeks ago, and we put him right back in study skills class. He had no choice. We gave him his chance. Now we will see if his teacher and case carrier can get him caught up on all those missing assignments.

    As for my daughter, well, what can I say. She is still struggling. She is attending adult ed to try and earn her diploma, and she can't even make it to school one day a week, which is all they require. She is basically doing the bare minimum so she doesn't get kicked out of the program. One thing I do give her credit for is she is attending her career workshops regularly. They are specifically designed to help the disabled find part time jobs. She is almost done with the program, and ready to be placed somewhere. At least she is following through with that, and she is showing some sort of motivation. I am still relying heavily on prayer for both my kids. I'm sure it's not easy having me as a mom.