I can't stand it

[flutterby]

difficult child woke up from her nap - mad because she missed speech therapy (I didn't have a way to get her there as I was in the IEP meeting and easy child and girlfriend were at work and school, respectively), and then really mad because she didn't go to the IEP meeting.

I told her about the partial days and the social studies online. She completely flipped. She can't learn online. Funny, cause she did ONLINE school for 2 years and got good grades. Then she said that she didn't/doesn't want partial days every day and that she told me that like 5 times. Funny - I never heard it. She just wants them on the days she "needs" it. Well, how are we going to know when you need it? And how is that going to work for your schoolwork? You're just going to miss days here and there and have make up work and get overwhelmed by it? How are we going to plan for this? UGH!!!!!

She wants to be at the IEP meeting because she doesn't want me to put anything in that she doesn't want. Well, I can guarantee that except for the notes, she isn't going to want anything I'm asking for. I told her that I am the parent and I make the decisions; that she is not well enough or old enough to be making these decisions for herself. She doesn't want any accommodations that may actually help her - she'd rather be miserable and anxious and complain that she's not learning anything and that the school doesn't care and that she's never going to learn - that she *can't* learn.

She then goes on to tell me that I don't know anything about her. That I only know her diagnoses because the doctors have told me. That I don't understand how she thinks or processes things. You know, I am SICK to death of hearing that. I finally told her to talk to therapist about that and see what she thinks. She goes and tells people that she has Mixed PD, but completely denies Borderline. Why? Because I was the first one to talk to her about it - even though it was after therapist diagnosis'd it.

I did tell her that I am making executive decisions and that she can hate them all she wants and she can hate me all she wants, but that I *am* doing what I think is best for her and that it's non-negotiable.

She doesn't like the idea that she's not on the same level as me. That she is the child and I am the parent and that I can AND will make decisions on her behalf without consulting her. It is my job and my responsibility.

She is going to be SO much fun to live with.

You know, I am really sick of being the one to deal with the fallout - and spending hours with her during her meltdowns - and then having a raging difficult child when I'm trying to get the right services in place - and being told that I don't know anything about her.

 

[flutterby]

Oh, and I was also looking at a thread in the General Archives on distorted thinking and there is a list of 15 styles of distorted thinking. I printed them off and took them to therapist today. We went over them and she said that difficult child exhibits all 15.

Here's the thread:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f13/how-do-you-define-distorted-thinking-15540/

 

[gcvmom]

Heather... here's an economy-sized box of cotton balls. For your ears. Use them daily whenever you are near difficult child. It's the only way you're going to survive her childhood, I'm afraid.

 

[gcvmom]

And FWIW, my pre-medicated husband fit all 15 categories, too. Today, he's only holding on to a few of them, and his grip's not what it used to be

 

[Wiped Out]

Heather,
It is all so difficult especially when they fight you every step of the way. Many gentle hugs.

 

[flutterby]

OMG, what a night. I *think* we might have had a teeny tiny bit of a breakthrough, but who knows with difficult child. Chances are, it's fleeting.

by the way, it's not at all reassuring when the PCA and therapist both tell you on the same day that they don't know if difficult child will ever be able to live independently on her own.

 

[gcvmom]

One. Day. At. A. Time.

 

[timer lady]

Heather, it's a bit too soon to put the final nail in the coffin for difficult child. She's 15 - there's a lot of time for maturity, even medications to kick in to help. Keep reminding yourself of that.

AND don't borrow trouble that isn't here yet, lady.

 

[busywend]

With all due respect, I believe she should have a say in what the IEP says. I wish my difficult child would have participated, she would sit there and just nod. She does know herself best and if she suggests things that end up not working you have written proof and witnesses to it not working and that forces her to think of new ways she can help herself.

Just what I thought about reading your post. You know her best. But, I wanted to say this to make sure it was a consideration for you.

HUGS!

 

[flutterby]

Wendy, I have been all for her attending in the past. The fact of the matter is, she's not stable. She spent 3 hours last night saying that nothing has ever worked, nothing is going to work, she's always going to be miserable, she's never going to be happy, etc. She absolutely refused to see anything as a possibility. She shot down everything I said, and misconstrued everything else as criticism. This is a recurring theme with her.

She's just not able - or willing - to help herself at this point. Her concern is how she's going to get through the day. That is my concern, as well. But, my other concern is how can we ease some things at school to help ease her anxiety associated with school and that will allow her to learn. She's not able - or willing - to look that far ahead at this time.

 

[Marguerite]

The fact of the matter is, she's not stable. She spent 3 hours last night saying that nothing has ever worked, nothing is going to work, she's always going to be miserable, she's never going to be happy, etc. She absolutely refused to see anything as a possibility. She shot down everything I said, and misconstrued everything else as criticism. This is a recurring theme with her.

That is what you experience because she expresses this to you, plus she's in the habit of 'pinging' off you.

But with a IEP meeting, she would be hearing all the suggestions, possibilities, the "what if we try this...?" comments from OTHER people (not form you) and so would, in a way, be getting the same stuff you tell her, but from impartial independent sources.

Plus they would hear her responses and if she expressed things to them with this negativity, it would give them better insight.

So two possible outcomes from having her there:

1) They see her as she is, always finding the problems and looking at all the suggestions and shooting them down;

or

2) She would agree (at least publicly) to a range of proposed strategies and would have witnesses saying she agreed. So later on when she says, "I never agreed to this!" other people, not you, would be saying, "Oh yes you did, young lady!"

YOU would not be the ogre in either case.

You said you're concerned about adding to her stress and you feel having her involved in this process could add to her stress - again, not necessarily. Being part of decisions made on her behalf could actually reduce her stress. It's a part of being in control, of having a say where it concerns her.

And if being involved is likely to increase her stress - well, she needs to begin to take control over some decisions in her life (especially those decisions which are monitored and supervised by others) in order to learn in a controlled way and also in order to have some sense of control so she won't reach out and grab control in other areas of her life where it is inappropriate.

If she can't make decisions, that's OK. Other people need to see this for themselves, so they can then be better equipped to help her and to also 'head off' possible problems caused by her lack of follow-through.

Marg

 

[Marguerite]

I tried to edit to add this, found it wouldn't work, so here is my addition.

PS - we get this sort of problem with our welfare authorities. They often insist on dealing with the 'client" which in a lot of cases is someone who is incapable of making decisions on his/her own behalf. A drama classmate of difficult child 3's is one such case - she would be functioning at the level of a six year old. Welfare rang, wanted to talk to her. her mother said, "I'm registered on your books as the person you should talk to, she is not capable."
The authorities insisted - and the fastest way for Mum to get her point across, was to put her daughter on the phone as they requested. Mum called daughter to the phone, said, "This nice young man wants to ask you a few questions about your pension."

Daughter spoke to young man, Mum listening in as best she could. Finally Mum said, "Does the young man want to talk to me again now? Ask him."
Apparently the young man did. He had learned, the hard way, that sometimes the client is NOT able to handle her own affairs.

The thing is - sometimes the only way to prove your case, is to show them Exhibit A in action.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then how many words is it worth, to show them a difficult child in full flight?

Marg