I can't stop crying.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Megandrudy, Mar 12, 2017.

  1. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    Our 18 year old daughter, whom we adopted when she was four months old, moved out 10 days after graduating from HS. she has been living with her boyfriend and his parents. She has little to no contact with me, none with her father, or my sister, with whom she was very close. I cry all the time. I have been to two different therapists; the first did not help me at all, the second only saw me twice. I am not on antidepressants yet, but feel like I may have to go on them sooner than later. I have much to share, but I get so weary telling my sad story. It is very similar to other stories I have read.....we weren't perfect parents, but she had a charmed life. She had everything she ever wanted, traveled, participated in sports, chorus, 4-H etc. I was at all but two events...(I missed them because I am a teacher and had to attend functions at my school.) She graduated with honors and was set to attend a large university out of state; she did not go, and gave up two scholarships as a result. She is currently working full-time and has purchased a brand new car, even though we bought her a good used one back in September. I am at a complete loss, very hurt, and wonder if I will ever have a relationship with my daughter again.....
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Did she give up the scholarships because of her boyfriend?
     
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    It's okay to cry, Meg. You are grieving the loss of the daughter you thought you had. It probably would do you a little good to go on an anti-depressant. I'm really sorry that your daughter gave up college to go live with her boyfriend. She is working, so that is a plus.

    There are many stories of hope here. There are parents who make it through to the other side. Don't give up hope of having a relationship with her; it will simply be a different type of relationship. That's what happens when our children become adults anyway.

    Big warm hugs for your hurting heart. I cried most of yesterday, too. :hugs:
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    Crayola,
    Yes, she gave up the scholarships because of the boyfriend, at least that's what I am assuming. The University sent the one back to her high school because she didn't attend, and the other one was never sent to the University. I am sick about it.
     
  5. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    If anyone would have told me a week before she moved out that this would happen, I wouldn't have believed them. She was a good girl; didn't smoke , drink or do drugs. Worked at a grocery store for the last year and a half of high school, was an acolyte at church, and volunteered at a children's museum. The only red flag was the first "boyfriend " knocked her around.....we didn't know until the school called us. She always had excuses about the "bruises " and I believed her. This boyfriend is controlling too, and I think his mother is in on this as well. My daughter has left twice, but goes right back to them.....saying, "they've been so good to me..." I'm like "what?.! And we haven't been good to you?" The mother told me nine months ago that we should be grateful to her.... that she'd be out on the street if she hadn't taken her in.....I was flabbergasted! I told her she would be at home where she belongs. The mother has had no contact with me either. It's like she has claimed my daughter and turned her against me!
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This sounds horrendous but familiar.

    I adopted a six year old from abroad who was considered "brilliant," He was. He also was so good. Never broke a rule. The only red flag was he wanted to do everything himself and was nice to all but very detached snd liked going to friends houses more than bringing them to our house. And we were sort of the hang out place in the neighborhood. All our kids brought their friends home. I was a stay at home and surrogate mom to many.

    He turned down several scholatships for colleges, good ones. "I will start out four years ahead of my peers." He did and is now a millionaire with his own company.

    In his latter 20s he met his wife. She wanted him to herself. First he dumped his sister whom he was so close to. Later I found out he had once asked her to marry him. "We arent bioligically related." She told him you dont marry your siblings and said he was cooler to her after.

    Soon after his marriage he dumped the rest of us.

    I feel so badly for you and hope you have a better...a great....ending. i wish I had advice but everything we tried pushed him further away. The truth was, wife was driving this rift and he loved her more than us. Your daughter is not married yet. She will probably be back after they break up and she is unlikely to tie the knot so young.

    Keep the Faith! If you believe in a higher power, give your dear daughter to God. He will walk with her. If you dont believe then use your best coping mechanism. And accept therapy!!

    Wishing you the best. Im sad for you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2017
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    Sometimes you just need to step back and breath.

    Do not let her see how much her behavior hurts you. I know that's easier said than done but I have learned that when we show our emotions to our kids, many times they will use it against us.

    Do your best to keep communication open with her. Invite her to lunch, a movie or some light shopping. If you can keep the communication open between you two then she will be more likely to come to you if things with boyfriend don't work out.

    Again, I'm so sorry for your hurting heart.

    Sending you ((HUGS))
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    Tanya,
    Thanks for your support and to all those who have replied. She will not take my phone calls, responds to texts rarely, and will not see me or speak to me in person. I am on spring break right now and asked her to meet me sometime this week, but zero response. When I go to the house, nobody will come to the door....not even the parents! i just cannot believe this is happening. Supposedly she and the boyfriend have broken up, but she is still living in their home. I am devastated. She is our only child. This all began because we would not take him on vacation with us and he got mad.
     
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Meg, Do you know where she works? Can you go lay eyes on her in a public place just to be sure she's okay?

    If you can't do that, I think I would at least continue to text her that you love her. Not too often, though. Once a week. The past abusive boyfriend situation is concerning. Couple that with the non-responsive mother and that makes red flags go up for me. If someone's daughter were living at my house, I would want the girl to contact her parents periodically.

    What do you think would happen if you contacted the mother and told her that you are grateful to her for housing your daughter? Do you think you could make peace in order to at least have the mother telling you that she is all right periodically? Maybe that isn't a feasible idea, but I would consider it.
     
  10. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    It is 12:16 am and I am sobbing. I want to die. My daughter doesn't want to see me or speak to me and she won't tell me what I can do to fix things. I don't know what I have done to make her hate me so much. I am willing to listen, I will do whatever she wants. She said months ago that we needed to go to family counseling; that was the only way she would consider coming home. Her dad and I went twice, she did not go. Her dad stopped going, but I continued. I finally got her to go when I said she had to go see the therapist to get the things she wanted from our house. She went one more time, made another appointment, but didn't show or cancel. I have since switched to another counselor, and have gone twice. The new therapist wants to see our daughters re going to pa. She finally made contact with her and they arranged a time. Our daughter was supposed to name a place, but never responded back. Why is she doing This? I texted her tonight and told her one of our horses died last night and she just responded with a sad face. I asked her to please tell me what I need to say do to make things right, but nothing. How can I fix this if she won't talk to me? I cleaned out her room after her being gone for nine months and took all of her stuff to her. I only saw her for ten minutes because she had to go to work. I had her inheritance paperwork sent to her ( I didn't really have it sent, I just said she no longer lived here and they tracked her down.) I don't know what else to do. How can she continue to do this to me when she knows I am hurting so much? I don't know what we did....we had rules, but we didn't beat her, with hold food, lock her up or abuse her. Her boyfriend naaid we "forced" her to go places she didn't want to go...Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, beach....in an airstream. He said she wanted to go out of state for college to get away from me...but she didn't go even though we were going to pay for it. She did make me mad several times and I have said, if she didn't like it here, she could pack up and leave.....but it was not ever anything we couldn't have worked out....mainly curfew....and the stupid cellphone. Someone please tell me what I have done so horribly wrong. Everyone else has all these happy times with their children, and I don't even get to see or speak to mine. I am so sad and lonely for her. I miss her so much. Why doesn't she miss me?
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are not alone by a long shot. Put "Estranged Stories" in your search engine. Off hand I do not know the exact address, but the Estranged Stories is a support group online for parents estranged from their adult children.

    All their stories are yours. They dont know what they did. They gave thier kids everything. Often a significant other was the catalyst for the estrangement. Like you. Like me.

    There is hope for every situation on that forum and lots of support. This is also a great site but most here have not gone through total no contact estrangement, especially of a child who seemed to be doing so well. That site has parents walking in your boots.

    You are in the early stages; in the "I will do anything" stage. Maybe it will resolve and you wont need to go through any other stages. I hope, hope, hope it passes.

    None on that site know why their adult children chose to isolate and wound them. They dont get answers. But they do get better.

    It is very sad to me that this is your only child. When my son left us, i dont know what I would have done without my other kids. I feel for you. Cry all you need to. But do seek out counseling. That got me through it. It is too hard to do this alone. Dont try.

    Check that support forum too. It will make you feel, if nothing else, not alone. You dont have to post. Just read. See how others in your boat reacted, what they tried to do, what happened, what they feel.

    I think that if we checked it out. This probably happens more often with adopted kids, but it is certainly not limited to them. Not at all. However, all adopted kids wonder about those who created them whether or not they talk about it. And in our society people see adoption as second best. Friends ask us "Do you have any of your own?" Like our child isnt our own because we did not give birth. In school their friends ask them, "Why did your motjer give you up?" LIKE WE ARE NOT THE MOTHER!!! Our intense love is sometimes enough, sometimes not enough.This could be related to adoption or not...just sharing what I learned. I have three adopted kids and one bio kid and the one who walked away. But he was older when we adopted him...six.

    I hope you find a little peace tonight. You did nothing wrong. This is your daughters issue, however, yes, it hurts you to the core and beyond. I am so sorry. I have walked in your shoes.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2017
  12. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Ah, Meg. I am so sorry. I am sorry that your horse died. I am sorry that your daughter sent you a sad emoticon by way of comfort. She is not connected to you right now. That doesn't mean that it won't ever change. It may. But you have to find a way to grieve her loss and take a few steps ahead in your own life.

    Can you call a friend and do something for yourself today or tomorrow? Please don't spend all of spring break in tears. :sorrysmiley:
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  13. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    Thank you both. ❤
     
  14. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Meg. I am so sorry for your pain. You can go crazy trying to figure out another's motives. So many "whys"....and it hurts the most when it's your child.
    Try not to cling to her right now, giving her respect as an adult making adult decisions. They may not be wise decisions from your viewpoint. I agree with Pigless in that it might be ok to lay eyes on her without her knowing. if that would give you peace. In the depths of my engagement with our son I thought I was going to go insane but making distance by trying a little more each day to live my own life helped. Please do something for you today. Prayers.
     
  15. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    Still nothing. Zero contact. I sent her a text...." I love you." No response. She did send her dad a picture of herself, another girl and a friend of my husbands (from his high school days) showing them inside a motor home at the local car race. The race is an annual event and a really big deal in our town. We go every year and take our camper out there. She has gone with us every year since she was small. It bothered my husband that she was there and did not attempt to come by and see him at all. ( I only went out there one evening, as I had other plans this year for my spring break.) She did text me at the beginning of my spring break that she had been in the er with a double kidney infection. I asked why she didn't call me. No response. I asked how she was going to pay for the er visit and she said she has insurance. I have asked for a letter from her employer stating that she has coverage so I can drop her from my insurance and again, no response. I called the employer and they can't tell me anything because she is an adult.......we are getting notifications from the bank (5 in the last week) that she has an "electronic notices" in her mailbox.....meaning she is overdrawn on her account. I don't know that for sure, but that's the only reason I ever got a "notice." I don't know what to do.....I am still crying everyday and this has been going on fo 9 months. Will this ever end?
     
  16. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    My prayers are with you. As I was reading your messages, they sounded similar to mine in this forum. I don't have all the answers either as I can't come close to understanding what I'm going through. I'm doing all I can some days to get through and I continue asking my husband.." when will this torment end?" I try to detach myself but my daughter continuously texts me and I never know what is the right thing to say or not say. I've walked on egg shells and it's exhausting and not fair to my husband or me whatsoever. We have value and so do you. Keep your faith and know you are in my thoughts.
     
  17. Megandrudy

    Megandrudy New Member

    All I ever wanted was to be a mom. Why is she cutting me out of her life? Why won't she talk to me??? I cry everyday...something or someone always make me think of her and then I realize how much more I am missing her. Why does she hate me so? I would never do this to her...
     
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I am so sorry for the loss you feel right now.

    I have not been through this exact situation but my advice would be to try to ACCEPT things as they are right now. It's not easy and it's not what you want but you MUST accept that this is the way it is for right now. Things could change. The only thing that is constant in our lives is change.

    I have had to do that in my situation which is not the same as yours but I do know what it's like to suffer as do most of the parents here.

    I also think that you need to work on trying to detach from her for your own sanity. That does not mean that you do not love her, care for her, want her in your life, etc. but it is for YOU so that you can have some peace. Attached is an article on detachment that is posted on this site. I read it myself to remind myself of doing the same thing with my son. I hope that it gives you some comfort. And I agree to continue seeing a therapist to talk it out.

    What is detachment?

    Detachment is the:
    * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
    * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
    * Giving another person "the space" to be himself.
    * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
    * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
    * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
    * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
    * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
    * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
    * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
    * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
    * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
    * Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
    * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

    What are the negative effects not detaching?


    If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
    * Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
    * Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
    * Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
    * Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
    * Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
    * Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
    * Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
    * Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
    * Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
    * Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
    * Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
    * Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

    How is detachment a control issue?


    Detachment is a control issue because:
    * It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "focus of control."
    * If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
    * The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
    * If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
    * You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
    * You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
    * You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
    * You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," over-dependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
    * If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
    * By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
    * Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
    * It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

    What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?


    * If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
    * They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
    * What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
    * You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
    * They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
    * You need them as much as they need you.
    * You can't control yourself because every day you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
    * They have so many problems, they need you.
    * Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
    * If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
    * How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
    * Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
    * You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
    * The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
    * If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
    * When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
    * When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
    * When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
    * You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
    * You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
    * You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
    * No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
    * Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree. You may never know what happened. I never found out. But I did grieve and go on and my life is good even without him. Do you have a special niece or nephew you love very much and can spend time with?

    Do seek therapy while this is going on. She may change her attititude and come back. Until then you need to learn how to deal with it. Therapy saved me in this or I would have cried day and night and maybe upset and neglected my other loved ones, which would not have been fair to them. This is a great time to rekindle the love and fire in your marriage too. My husband has always been a rock. I hope yours is. In the end, it is our spouses and us. No child stays forever.

    Let daughter have her distance. I know this sounds odd bit they are more likely tp respect us and even come back if we dont beg them to do so and act needy. Take extra good care of YOU. That is so very important.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  20. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Today at this moment ii don't want a relationship with my daughter. Just yesterday she contacted me and said she needed help. I could have said come on home. We'll help you to get help, but no! I didn't want her to come here.She's 1000 miles away and that's great. There's a little bit of guilt about that. It's like I don't care anymore. So when she sent a text today that she is staying where she is, I was so relieved. I'm happy, I'm peaceful, I'm excited about life and the future. I love her and my granddaughters, but can't do any more "helping" that's not helping. Am I a bad mom for feeling that? If I am, then so be it.