I can't stop the pain

[Nancy]

At times my heart hurts so bad and the pit in my stomach feels like a rock. I know that difficult child is sinking further and further and she is becoming unreachable. I know in my heart that this has to happen if she is ever going to hit rock bottom but last night I hurt so bad that I thought to myself that it would be easier if I knew she was dead. Isn't that just a horrible thing to think? I couldn't get through the day without breaking into tears everytime I went somewhere or saw something that reminded me of her. If I knew she were not coming back ever I could grieve and get on with my life. But this uncertainlty, waiting for the other shoe to drop, watching her fall into this hole is just awful.

Nancy

 

[Bean]

Nancy, hon. I wish you lived by me and I could take you out to coffee. Well, maybe not out. Maybe have you over for coffee. That way we could cry, scream, blabber in the privacy of my house.

I don't know that it helps, but I really, truly feel you. I understand where you are coming from and I am having a hard time with things myself right now. I feel like I'm bracing myself for something horrible, but yet that horrible is not a guarantee. And I'm helpless.

A friend of mine struggled for a long time with her child. When that child died, she said it was very sad, and she grieved. But she had peace, no longer wondering where he is, or worrying. I understood that. I'm sure a lot of us parents can understand that.

I don't wish for that to happen with my daughter, of coarse. I hang on to the hope that she will right her life. But there are fears, concerns, of coarse. It's' such a hard place to learn to cope with this day to day reality.

Big hugs for you.

I'm going to an Al-anon meeting this morning. I'd rather not, have so much to do, but I think I really need it, and it is maybe more important.

I wish you peace today.

 

[DDD]

My heart breaks for you, Nancy. Although I haven't traveled the same road I know that fear and stress can combine to cause harm. Have you considered visiting a psychiatrist for yourself to see if a temporary medication or an "as needed" medication can help you function in an improved way? I am not a medication taker by nature but after so many years of emotional rollercoaster riding I did seek out help. For me it was a difficult decision but proved to be benficial. Many hugs. DDD

 

[KFld]

A friend of mine struggled for a long time with her child. When that child died, she said it was very sad, and she grieved. But she had peace, no longer wondering where he is, or worrying. I understood that. I'm sure a lot of us parents can understand that.


.

A few weeks ago when I first found out my son had relapsed, I told my boyfriend that sometimes I think it would make it easier. One of my closest friends who is going through the same thing with her son has admitted to feeling that way sometimes also.

It's a horrible thought and I felt so guilty afterwards, but sometimes you just have to feel that it would be easier if the pain and worry would stop for everyone.

I'm sure there are others who have lost their children who feel the total opposite, and if it actually happened to me who knows what I would feel, but I think it is a normal thought sometimes considering what we live with everyday.

 

[Hound dog]

(((((hugs))))) Nancy

 

[AnnieO]

Nancy, all I have is gentle hugs for you, and being here...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You know I am right there with you hon. Remember, as long as there is life there is hope. I am told the best chance of recovery for them, begins with our recovery. You cannot control her life, her path, or anything she is going to do. But you can control yours. We only have one life, Nancy. We can choose whether to spend it trying to live their lives for them or living our own. I made the decision I am going to live mine. I hope you do the same. (((HUGS)))

 

[ThreeShadows]

Nancy, how horrible for you. During the years from Hell I felt that each blow from difficult child 2's behavior, and all the family deaths over such a short span were large boulders piling on top of me and slowly killing me. Lexapro was a miracle worker for me.

Gentle, understanding hugs to your mommy heart.

 

[Mom2oddson]

My heart goes out to you Nancy. {{{hugs}}}

I know that I feel heartless when I put Steph to the back of my mind, sure that she will kill herself one day, whether from drugs or suicide. I let her contact me instead of me contacting her. I can't handle being brought into her drama. Just a couple of days ago, we heard that she got caught by her grandparents with a bong. Of course, it isn't hers. uhg.... and just that little bit, stirs up all the pain and anger and fear and regret and..... and I have to remind myself not to give her free rent.

I wish I had a magic cure or the right words to help you. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Suz]

I remember when I also felt your pain, Nancy, and my heart hurts for you.

Gentle hugs,
Suz

 

[KTMom91]

Many, many hugs, Nancy.

 

[slsh]

Nancy - I'm just so very sorry. The anticipation of our worst nightmares is unbearable. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Many gentle hugs to you.

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy you are right, that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something more bad to happen is just awful...that jumpy feeling every time the phone rings. I have so been there that I just totally feel for you.... and being on the edge of tears all the time and the total feeling of distraction so it is hard to concentrate on anything. It is awful. I think the best thing you can do is find as many pleasant distractionsn for yourself as you can. I wish you lived near by so we could go see a funny movie and then have a leisurely dinner talking about the movie and you if you wanted to. I know for me when I have been at this point, I found surviviing had to be enough....the idea of being happy felt very far out of my reach. So hugs to you.... wish we could do something to get your daughter to hit bottom soon and get help.

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs*

 

[dashcat]

Nancy,
One of the things I've learned along my comparitvely short journey is to try (note the use of the word TRY) not to anticipate what might happen. One day at a time....sometimes one hour at a time. Hang in there,my friend. We are here for you.
Dash

 

[Steely]

Many hugs, and sending strong thoughts your ways.

 

[tawnya]

Sorry you are hurting, Nancy.

Prayers for your family and your daughter.

((HUGS))

 

[DammitJanet]

Nancy, I think one of the things that happens to us with our kids is something akin to survivors guilt. Especially right now with what is going on in Japan, in the deepest parts of our souls we kind of wonder, well...my kid is so horrible or such a complete waste of space, how come something really bad doesnt happen to them instead of some innocent baby in that disaster? Wouldnt that make my life at least a little easier to bear and then that dead baby would have had a chance? I mean we really dont want to think that and we feel guilty for thinking that but there it is. I had similar feelings when 9/11 happened. All those heroic stories coming out and Cory was being a complete and utter jerk. Huh? At that point I was ready to have me and him trade places with two of the guys who went down in that PA field if I could have done it.

 

[witzend]

Nancy, I feel like I can speak intelligently as to how your are feeling right now. I have been there with M. It does feel like you are waiting for them to die, or wanting to never deal with them again. It's a perfectly reasonable feeling. We grieve all of the hopes that we had for them when they were young. We even grieve our modified hopes from when they weren't as young. And then we let go as much as we can when we realize that this is their life, and we can't live it for them.

I have in the far back corners of my mind always a dread about M. Will he hurt someone? Will he hurt himself? Will he make something of himself and I won't know because I had to give up all of my hopes for him? Will someone ask me about him and I'll know less about him than they do?

The thing is, all of the things he is going to do are going to happen with or without my thoughts and interference. I said all those years ago that he took what we offered him in life and threw it away with both hands. I can no more take credit for his accomplishments than I can his failures because he wants nothing and will take nothing from us. At least, not the very limited things we have to offer him at this point in all of our lives.

So, I understand why you are grieving and what you are grieving for. I want you to know that it will get easier. It will never go away. But it will get easier.

 

[KFld]

Very well put Witz.