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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 696458" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>A real life example: We allowed my son to come home. After 4 years away. It worked for a while. He worked with us doing remodeling which for him was a good trade to have the luxuries to which susie refers. After a while, he stopped being motivated, either to control his behavior or to adhere to our rules. It was too easy. </p><p></p><p>We threw him out. Within a week he was in a residential treatment center. He knew he no longer wanted to be on the street. Because he had already lived that way two years. How would he have known he did not want the street, had he not lived it? How would he reach the point of seeking out treatment (he found it and arranged it, himself) if I had kept sheltering him?</p><p></p><p>Comfort, excuses, support and tolerance do not help these kids. Babying them because they are sad does not help. Natural consequences, the costs of their behavior to them, is what teaches them. To know what you want you have to know what you do not want. Actually, the latter is more motivating than is the former, I think.</p><p></p><p>You can do this. I kicked my son out at 23. He is now 27. It took years before he was motivated to begin changing. He suffers, too, from anxiety and depression. I told him to leave because he did not want to do anything. He quit his job. No school. No social life. Just lay around like a lump. I locked the door and locked him out. He banged on the windows the first night. It was very hard. But I did it. The second night he went to a shelter. A week later he had left our county with a free bus ticket. For two plus years he freeloaded. Then homelessness. And SSI for mental illness. I was not happy with his choices. But they were his. Not mine. He will survive because he has to. When he sees himself surviving, he will grow in competency and self-respect and self-control. I believe that.</p><p></p><p>I hope you keep posting. It helps. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 696458, member: 18958"] A real life example: We allowed my son to come home. After 4 years away. It worked for a while. He worked with us doing remodeling which for him was a good trade to have the luxuries to which susie refers. After a while, he stopped being motivated, either to control his behavior or to adhere to our rules. It was too easy. We threw him out. Within a week he was in a residential treatment center. He knew he no longer wanted to be on the street. Because he had already lived that way two years. How would he have known he did not want the street, had he not lived it? How would he reach the point of seeking out treatment (he found it and arranged it, himself) if I had kept sheltering him? Comfort, excuses, support and tolerance do not help these kids. Babying them because they are sad does not help. Natural consequences, the costs of their behavior to them, is what teaches them. To know what you want you have to know what you do not want. Actually, the latter is more motivating than is the former, I think. You can do this. I kicked my son out at 23. He is now 27. It took years before he was motivated to begin changing. He suffers, too, from anxiety and depression. I told him to leave because he did not want to do anything. He quit his job. No school. No social life. Just lay around like a lump. I locked the door and locked him out. He banged on the windows the first night. It was very hard. But I did it. The second night he went to a shelter. A week later he had left our county with a free bus ticket. For two plus years he freeloaded. Then homelessness. And SSI for mental illness. I was not happy with his choices. But they were his. Not mine. He will survive because he has to. When he sees himself surviving, he will grow in competency and self-respect and self-control. I believe that. I hope you keep posting. It helps. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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