I care, I've been reading-but couldn't post from my phone...an update

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Just an update to say I AM ALIVE and WELL and I CARE and I have been trying to keep up...

    But - I have had numerous replies to threads (from my iPhone) evaporate into thin air - including a few long heartfelt responses - in fact one actually posted my user name with no content. I was away on business last week - and did not have internet aside from my phone. I have given up trying to post anything meaningful from my phone only to see it vanish.

    I am glad to read that so many difficult child's are doing a bit better and that the rest are not getting worse. (funny how standards change when you are the parent of a difficult child - "not becoming worse" is now a positive sign- sigh)

    Welcome to the newest members - I will post to you directly later - but as always - I am sorry you had to find us; but so glad you did. If you click on my name and read my "about me" - you will see that I too had to give my difficult child an ultimatum and he DID move out, (more than once). Tough love is called that because it is tough on US more so than our kids. I feel your pain.

    My life has been a whirlwind.

    I was in Chicago on business for 6 days and the city was mobbed. Actually spent a few days by myself there and the husband joined me for 3 nights. I loved spending time with him and I REALLY LOVED having those 2 days and nights alone. I saw quite a clean cut, "suburban boys" panhandling and I couldn't help but think of our own difficult children. I wonder if those panhandlers were kids like our own - or just college students who have found a creative way to earn a buck. Of course, I also saw quite a few not-so-fortunate panhandlers and they always break my heart. I won't give money - but next time I am in the city - I think I will bring a few boxes of granola bars and hand those out instead.

    Lots new here, H has been offered a really good job and has a start date, but a few kinks need to be worked out. He had to take a physical and a drug test (passed both,YAY) plus a hefty background and credit check which should be OK but the standard job agreement has an incredibly strict, non-compete agreement that is giving him pause. I hate to say that he really NEEDS this job (his business is kaput) but he has also been in the industry for 25 years, and the non compete clause would prevent him from having any interaction with long standing peers, friends, customers and contacts for 2 years. So basically, if he lost or wanted to leave the job,he would have no way to stay in even a remotely similar or parallel industry. He is hoping he can simply cross it out (at the recommendation of the person who will be his immediate boss) and that it will fly under the radar. (It's a big company with relatively formal HR policies) Albeit, if they don't accept it - he still will likely take the job because he NEEDS it. So it's a risk. EEP. Huge pay cut from what he was earning 3 years ago, but a lot more than he is earning now. Great benefits, though not a ton of upward mobility. But we've held onto his own company for way to long now and it's hard to to re-enter the workforce when you have been self employed. So -- this offer out of nowhere -- is the answer to many, many prayers. It will be tough on our budget especially since we personally signed for many of his business loans, but it's our best (only) exit plan. It's a really positive thing but a bit bittersweet and not yet a sure thing. So, please cross your fingers for him and me. I've been breathing a lot easier with the idea of a steady paycheck (and benefits!!) but won't truly start breathing again until he starts it securely.

    And difficult child is home. How? Why? I really have no answers. His girlfriend broke up with him so he can't stay there. He was renting a room in a friend's apartment, but the friend's lease was up. (college apt leases typically end 2 weeks before school starts in prep for new tenants) I really wanted him home. I was very concerned about him going into a depression with the breakup (they were together 4 years) and I wanted a second (or is it 3rd or 4th?) chance to show him that home isn't an evil place. Plus, he had missed 4 days of work and his boss had called US, worried about his well-being. So, we finally convinced him to come for dinner last Thursday and talked him into spending the night and he promised to be back Saturday or Sunday. Of course, didn't show up or call. So I let him know I was hurt and he felt really bad or so he said. He decided to come home on Monday and I picked him and all of his stuff up. I left at 5am on Tuesday for my business trip and just got back tonight. He is still here. Maintains he is going "back to school" on 8/30 and as planned, we will drop him and his stuff off when we drive easy child to his school. (difficult child's college town is on the way) Of course, he is not actually going to school AFAIK - he is not registered and he does not have the money to pay back tuition AND new tuition. Both H and I tried to talk to him separately about staying home, continuing his job here -- he is obligated to pay rent in college town - but there is no reason to go back there. He can live here rent free, have food on the table, continue his well paying job and send rent payments to college town. But it seems to be in vain and I am washing my hands of it. I am just glad to know he has a safe roof over his head (for now) and that he doesn't seem to be at risk (for now). He is back to work and he has been pleasant if a bit distant. We are treading water. I had dinner with my brother "C" and he offered to take him in and give him a job (2 hours away) and I think that could be a good option. He is going to call him and offer it - and pretend I don't know anything about it. I really would like difficult child to be away from his exgf and his bad influences. Plus he says he HATES the college town...I don't get his eagerness to go back. Of course, he wants to "go back to school" like his peers to save face - which probably plays a big part. In my heart of hearts; I'd like him to stay home and get his life together but I know that is a pipe dream. I am just glad that we have bridged some sort of peace. Even if it turns into a "holiday only" type relationship. He doesn't seem to be using but of course I have no idea. He has no transportation and because I was away, I am not privy to his comings and goings...so who knows? If he does go back to college town, he will be here only until 8/29, so it's not too long. H will be traveling most of that time, so cross your fingers for me. I think my goal is to avoid anything that could create an altercation. And PC15 is thrilled to have his big brother home and difficult child is taking off early from work to attend PCs 2 football games before the 29th - which is great - since H will be away.

    Add to that my mother who has put her house on the market to move closer to MY BROTHER "J" (not closer to me, not sure how I feel about that? Hurt yet relieved)
    I have a ton on my plate with my own job, my 3 big projects have unexpectedly come together at exactly the same time - so I am scrambling and in over my head. And I work with both brothers "C" and "J" and we are not exactly warm and fuzzy siblings so I am treading lightly.
    If this job works out for H (please G-d, I hope it does), he has to leave his own company per another clause in the agreement - so I will need to take that over for him (at least visibly) and I am not sure I am up to it. But we need to continue some of the company's revenue so we can try to get it somewhat out of debt and collect what is owed to us. And, of course, I am scared that his continued, covert involvement will put his new job at risk. (can you tell I am a worrier?)
    Out of the blue, my brother in law (H's ne'er do well brother who IS an addict) got back in touch with a "I am back in town" email to H the very night difficult child moved back in. (H deleted the email) So, not a big deal but just another blip on a busy screen. (he's been out of touch for 3 years)

    Mostly good things, some worrisome things but maybe a sign that the winds of change are finally blowing in our favor??

    Sorry so wordy...it was meant to be a brief update and explanation for my absence...

    Love to all XOXO
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Wow Sig, when it rains, it pours. Thanks for the update, always look forward to your posts!

    I'm so happy for husband - I'm sure the noncompete is going to be a nonissue soon enough.
    Glad also that difficult child is home, not using, and spending time with sibs, for however long it lasts. Breakups are devastating, so the fact that difficult child is even up to doing that much says volumes. I suspect that maybe part of the reason difficult child doesn't want to stay home for long is that ex-girlfriend lives down the block. That was nice of your bro to mention he could give difficult child a good job - whatever happens, at least bro has difficult child's back.
    Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans, right? I know you're probably getting busy sending easy child to college too...may that transition go smoothly for you all as well.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Glad things are going in a more positive direction.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the update, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, however, there are positive things on your horizon! I am sending lots of board ju ju and warm wishes and prayers for husband to work this transition out in a way that is positive, prosperous and healthy for him and that difficult child works through his choices in a healthy way for himself and for you too. From a Mom's point of view, it must be wonderful to have your family all under the same roof right now, I know how important that's been for you and my Mother's heart can truly understand that. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you and your family to make these leaps into a new, more cohesive, connected, loving and abundant place. (((HUGS)))
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow so much going on. I hope the job works out and also hope difficult child makes a good choice. Glad your business trip was a change of pace / break for you too. Sending good vibes and juju .....
  6. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Wow so much so fast. I hope the winds blow peacefully and it is all good news in the end. I think you have your head on about difficult child. I hope he makes a good decision for himself and tries to get himself upright. Please take care and try to stay in the proximal zone of sanity as all this unknown stuff plays out. ((Hugs))
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Sig, I'm glad to see you. All in all it sounds like a promising update. I was wondering if difficult child would come back home and I am happy for you because I know how much you wanted that. It is an opening even if he isn't all the way there yet. You have given him every opportunity to save face and stay in town rather than continue the charade of going back to school. Perhaps he will change his mind.

    I'm glad husband got the job and I think if it were me I would agree to the non-compete in the end if they didn't change it. If he likes this job and it pays the bills it's a good thing. Your job sounds very stressful although I'm sure you will get everything done in your normal excellent and efficient manner.

    I miss you but I'm glad things are going well enough that you can concentrate on other things for a bit.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Really happy to see a mostly very positive update!