I caught my 20 year old stealing from us again today

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Sillysingergirl, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. Sillysingergirl

    Sillysingergirl New Member

    I was desperately searching the Internet looking for any advice at all and I came across this site. My long story as briefly as possible:

    My almost 21 year old is no longer living with us. His downward spiral started when he was 18 and went to college. He did nothing while there. For the entire year he smoked pot, drank and watched Netflix. He was caught with booze in his fridge. He has been through 3 cars and 5 jobs. One of which was at a treasured camp for him that he was the head counselor at. He and his other counselor friends were drinking at night on the property. He isn't living with us because he was kicked out for getting his 15 year old brother stoned. We have caught him stealing from us awhile back. He cried and said he was horrified at his behavior. After we kicked him out, he ended up having no where to go and slept at Walmart. We allowed him to come back and sign a contract that included $100 rent a week (helping to pay back the money he had cost us getting himself into trouble) He blew everything on the contract, had sex in our camper and lied about it (didn't even bother to clean up).
    He is now living with family friends. He is supposedly working (although I have heard that he lost his job) but today I came in the house and he was in my dressing room and had our cash box in his hand. :(. He denied adamantly (just about as adamantly as he did over the camper incident) that he was taking money. He said he was looking for the medication I had given his sister to pass along to him and she didn't. (That part is true but why my drawers??). I don't believe him, I had some other money in a top drawer that has recently also gone missing.
    As of right now, I am heart broken. I don't know what to do. I am so sad. My husband is angry and wants to write him off forever. I am just at a loss and don't know how to move on besides getting a large safe and locking my stuff up. Please, if anyone out there has some words of wisdom, please share. My heart is so heavy that my once sweet, loving, super talented boy is in this place.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. To protect your identity please do not use pictures of yourself or your family. This is a public forum and anyone can see what is posted. Do not use actual names for the same reason.

    Your son should not have a key to your house. He is old enough to live on his own. Your job is to set and stick to boundaries. You decide how much contact to have and under what conditions you are willing to deal with. If he wants help he will seek it on his own. You should not be shelling out money, cell phones, or other extras for a grown man. It is up to you if you want to provide a limited amount of food and a bus pass until he gets on his feet. This does not mean you don't love him. Do not fall for his pity me stories. It ain't easy, but supporting a 40 year old when you are 70 or 80 bites.
  3. Sillysingergirl

    Sillysingergirl New Member

    Thanks for the reply. Our house is never locked. It will be now. We have 7 children and with all the comings and goings, it's been hard to keep the door locked. Also, how do I change my picture? It came from Facebook because I logged in that way. Anyone?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with pas. Furthermore, I believe he is stealing for drug money, far beyond pot or alcohol. Parents of drug users often don't know it, don't want to know it, and, if they do know it we tell ourselves it's just pot. We are very often wrong. You don't need to steal to get pot or alcohol. Usually peers will share.

    At any rate, in my opinion it's time to change your locks and lock the camper too. Your son is choosing, for whatever reason, to act like a criminal. He isnt safe to your younger kids if he introduced one to pot. I would not allow him in the house unless you can follow him around and, when you cant, I'd make him leave.

    If my kid had stolen from me, I probably would have called the cops to try to scare her and because she broken the law. It would alarm me.
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  5. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

  6. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    It's after midnight here. I need to tell you my heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom but truth is I can't. I needed to send you a hug. I feel for you. You love them but love is not ENOUGH to save them. Peace to all of us.
  7. Sillysingergirl

    Sillysingergirl New Member

    I am just struggling now wth how to be okay. My heart is broken and I am desperate to know how to live my life and not be continually overcome with sadness. I don't know if he is doing drugs beyond pot. It's the first thing I thought when this happened. He is living with friends of ours and they are very much aware of what he is up to. I couldn't even get him to take a percoset when he broke is hand because he was afraid of drug addiction. I believe what has happened is that he has lost his job again from too much partying and is desperate for rent money so that he doesn't lose this place to live. This sucks.
  8. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out for you. Your son sounds SO much like ours. I've known people who locked their bedroom doors to keep difficult children from coming in and stealing, locked all valuables up, etc... but personally I refuse to do it. Its been almost two years since the last time our son stole from us and he is currently living with us. Long story, look for Lil's posts for details if interested, but he's starting to get his act together. A bit. Still lazy around the house, still smokes pot, but has held a job for two months and hasn't stolen from us since staying here so that's something. Sorry, got off topic. I personally refuse to lock my bedroom door to keep him out. If I think that he's coming in to steal from me then he's gone immediately. I work in a prison. I refuse to live in one.

    Have heard many people talk about having contracts with their adult children while living with them. The only purpose they serve is to be able to show your child that yes, they in fact DID agree to do this, this, and this or get kicked out. Whether you set ground rules or make a contract, make sure to enforce it with actions instead of idle threats otherwise you're wasting your time.

    I doubt seriously that your husband is ready to write your son off forever. Remember, we fathers think differently than you mothers. You nurture and protect them while we train and prepare them. Nurturing tends to never end but training and preparation do. We just hit a point where you shove them out the door and remind them that we've told you what you need to know, go figure it out.

    Try not to look on him as your little boy. He is a grown man who is making fairly crappy life choices. And it is all about choice. He is choosing to do drugs and break the rules. That's why men are the way they are. Make the choice, gain the benefit or suffer the consequence of it.
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  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Yes...it sucks. No, it won't resolve itself soon. Living with the sadness...I can t say, some days I think I have found a. Sweet normal...others I just break down.

    This I know...only you can make decisions about you. You have other children to. Nurture an diets hard when your emotions are clinging to the one person who is pushing away help he needs.

    I don't know if he's into drugs...though, there is a reason he can't keep a job. I would stronyly get him tested...an intervention into rehab. If he will go...if not, there's not much you can do. He may not have taken the pill because he knew it wasn't strong enough for him...who knows.

    Not one of here gave birth thinking our child would be a lying drug addict or dealer. You can push him towards help, tell him it's available...and hopefully he will realise he needs it.

    We are still on a journey with our own...he is home, sober, but will he embrace life? We hope so. Yes, many drug abusers have a mental illness..that does not mean they can t embrace help.

    Love for your hurting heart...embrace your other children...find joy for yourself in everyday...we get it.
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  10. Sillysingergirl

    Sillysingergirl New Member

    Thank you so much. It really helps to hear a father's perspective.
  11. Sillysingergirl

    Sillysingergirl New Member

    Thank you for your comforting words.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Silly!

    We went through a LOT with our son also. He started going off the rails at 15. He settled down and was sober more than not sober but wasn't moving forward with his life. He had anxiety and depression so I always made excuses for him. I tried everything to help him. He wasn't growing as a person in our home - at all. He thought just because he never used heroin that he was "okay". We gave him SO many chances.

    We finally sent him to an IOP program in Florida after many tries at rehab and then home. He is now 21 and is learning how to be on his own - with restrictions. I don't know where this will all end but now my home is peaceful and I look forward to coming home from work and spending quality time with my husband. I am living for me now after five years of turmoil with no positive results. I let my husband take over. I was leading too much with my heart. It wasn't helping him or me.at.all.

    I am in therapy to help me learn how to detach and let him be the man that God intended for him to be. This is HIS journey. He is not me. I am not him. I am 100% better BUT I am still not 100% where I need to be. He knows that we love him very much.

    This forum and others' stories has helped me tremendously. I have gained so much strength and knowledge here. The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is educate yourself and you can do that here!
  13. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    It s terrible to be betrayed by someone you love. I think it is time to let him know that he is no longer welcome in your house at all. Change the locks and hand out keys.