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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 674523" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Wake up Call, thank you for your post. I love what you wrote below.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yesterday I read a newspaper letter and response about a mother writing about her son and his father. It seems the father is forever disappointed in the son because the son doesn't have a four-year college degree, a white collar job, a company car and an expense account, 2.5 children, vacations in the Caribbean, etc., just like he did with his life.</p><p></p><p>Instead the 40-year-old son works an hourly job, pays his own bills, enjoys the outdoors, hasn't married, is a kind and happy person.</p><p></p><p>He also has no relationship with his father, and his mother is grieved by that.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking about that letter.</p><p></p><p>For many many years, I had the same thought process as that father. If my son didn't do all of the above, plus more, then he was/is a disappointment and hasn't lived up to my expectations.</p><p></p><p>My son has been progressing in his life for about 18 months. I am thankful for that. He still has many of the "old ways of thinking and behaving" however, and I keep waiting for that to change, and being frustrated when it doesn't.</p><p></p><p>I got too enmeshed with him for several weeks, and was filled with despair, resentment and anxiety about his life and his future. </p><p></p><p>For the past 8 days I haven't talked with him, and I am regaining my own peace and getting back to level ground.</p><p></p><p>So...what have I learned from this latest go-round? I hope and pray that I am one more step further on the road to acceptance. I need to learn how to accept my son and his life, as it is today. Not hoping for change, not expecting change, not getting upset when there isn't enough change to suit me. </p><p></p><p>If I don't like the way he handles things, I have choices. I can stand back and set boundaries and say kind things and not get involved. I can say, hey, let's get together three weeks from now for lunch (lunch lasts about 1 hour, right?). I can reach out LIKE I WANT TO and in a way that doesn't make me crazy.</p><p></p><p>His life is his life. I don't have to do ANYTHING. Except offer verbal encouragement and love.</p><p></p><p>Sigh. I want to learn how to keep on doing this...I really do. We, all of us, must learn to accept other people, just as they are. I don't know about you, but I'm good on 99% of the world's population, hey Live and Let Live, right? It's those closest to me, that I love and care about, that I need to learn this lesson about.</p><p></p><p>I know their lives hurt us. Watching them struggle and have problem after problem after problem is very hard to watch. So...we have a choice. We can create distance, time and space so the watching is from a distance and intermittent. That is what I want to do. If I can't handle reality (evidently I can't) then I need to create a way to get fewer doses of reality. Until I can learn more about acceptance.</p><p></p><p>Ugh. This is the hardest stuff in the world, isn't it? </p><p></p><p>Let's hang in there together. We can learn so much from each other. Thanks again for your post.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 674523, member: 17542"] Hi Wake up Call, thank you for your post. I love what you wrote below. Yesterday I read a newspaper letter and response about a mother writing about her son and his father. It seems the father is forever disappointed in the son because the son doesn't have a four-year college degree, a white collar job, a company car and an expense account, 2.5 children, vacations in the Caribbean, etc., just like he did with his life. Instead the 40-year-old son works an hourly job, pays his own bills, enjoys the outdoors, hasn't married, is a kind and happy person. He also has no relationship with his father, and his mother is grieved by that. I have been thinking about that letter. For many many years, I had the same thought process as that father. If my son didn't do all of the above, plus more, then he was/is a disappointment and hasn't lived up to my expectations. My son has been progressing in his life for about 18 months. I am thankful for that. He still has many of the "old ways of thinking and behaving" however, and I keep waiting for that to change, and being frustrated when it doesn't. I got too enmeshed with him for several weeks, and was filled with despair, resentment and anxiety about his life and his future. For the past 8 days I haven't talked with him, and I am regaining my own peace and getting back to level ground. So...what have I learned from this latest go-round? I hope and pray that I am one more step further on the road to acceptance. I need to learn how to accept my son and his life, as it is today. Not hoping for change, not expecting change, not getting upset when there isn't enough change to suit me. If I don't like the way he handles things, I have choices. I can stand back and set boundaries and say kind things and not get involved. I can say, hey, let's get together three weeks from now for lunch (lunch lasts about 1 hour, right?). I can reach out LIKE I WANT TO and in a way that doesn't make me crazy. His life is his life. I don't have to do ANYTHING. Except offer verbal encouragement and love. Sigh. I want to learn how to keep on doing this...I really do. We, all of us, must learn to accept other people, just as they are. I don't know about you, but I'm good on 99% of the world's population, hey Live and Let Live, right? It's those closest to me, that I love and care about, that I need to learn this lesson about. I know their lives hurt us. Watching them struggle and have problem after problem after problem is very hard to watch. So...we have a choice. We can create distance, time and space so the watching is from a distance and intermittent. That is what I want to do. If I can't handle reality (evidently I can't) then I need to create a way to get fewer doses of reality. Until I can learn more about acceptance. Ugh. This is the hardest stuff in the world, isn't it? Let's hang in there together. We can learn so much from each other. Thanks again for your post. [/QUOTE]
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