i could use about 20 hugs and a drink

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Mar 15, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    hope everyone and difficult child's are well. i haven't been in much been trying Occupational Therapist (OT) handle difficult child who has been a handful will be getting results from evaluation this coming thursday couldn't come sooner.

    also older one has been better but still giving me a run for my money. then ofcourse my new issues i''ve been handling.

    then well boyfriend did something that hurt so very bad. ihave serious trust issues due to my past i've been rough on him and i know i have been.

    yet he owns business gets alot of texts from various staff etc. it's hard to deal with for me because i have such serious trust issues. i do the best i can especially now with all this weird stuff flooding back flashbacks nightmares, etc.

    so some girl text him a few weeks ago he said she was looking for info shifts, etc. i said ok i saw the text because i was standing near him her name came up. then days later he gets text diff number saying good morning what are you doing on tis lovely day thing? i approach him again and say ok whose this now? he says oh it's that girl. i said what do you mean it's under diff number. oh that's her new phone she got new phone.

    ok i say but gut tells me hes lying but i'm so issue packed right now i dont' know one thing for another betweeen my stuff difficult child's etc. head's in clouds.

    long story short i haven't checked his phone i've been trying to trust really trying i check it this morning something came over me and i felt a great need to. and so there it is this girl again saying hi to him and we can hang out tmrw if tha'Tourette's Syndrome ok with you sent last night i guess it came in after he shut phone off.

    so i'm telling you i couldn't breath for second we went thru so mcuh stuff hte other day regarding text he made me think i was nuts telling me it's her new phone it's just my trust issues, etc. to the point i thought wow jen you are seroiusly losing it pls stop torturing this man.

    i dont' even close phon ei just leave it open to that text and go outside to smoke kids are sleeping. he comes down to talk to me i didn't want to hear anything all i say is how long has it been going on? his response is i'm not cheating you know i'm not.

    make a long story short. it's a girl who used to work there. they started talking when i dont' know text phone calls, etc. he says then she started asking if they could hang out go out together that's when he knew he messed up. yet i saw text from her last week saying i thought of something fun to do on tuesday. i said wow you are making plans on our date ngiht with another woman. he lied to me and said no tha'Tourette's Syndrome the girl that wanted shifts we were talking and i asked her what you and i can do on tuesday.

    oh god al i can say is wow i'm blown away. i called the girl yup i did. i said ok who are you? she was so nasty i said look this is .... she responded with him and i are freinds if you have a problem with that. i said actually i do at midngiht to be texting to go out together yup i'd say so i said i'm probably old enough to be your mother. i said it's not all your fault he had no business talking to you,etc. she hung up on me.

    so here i am now he swears he menat nothing by it he says he's not sure why he was talking to her probably the pressure of it all. i said ok so that means whenever your under pressure your going to start relationships with other woman outside our relationship? he said i menat nothing by it yet then she started asking me out. i said she text you about last tuesday you lied said it was for us now you were textin gher last night. if you realized you messed up and wanted to end it why did you keep texting her?

    so am i losing my mind? he says i screwed up because i know how you are about me having fremale friends and i was afraid to tell you so i lied.

    i have no idea what to do wtih any of this right now.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If she means nothing to him, she should be nothing to him. No more texts, calls, meetings. Period.

    SO's spend time and thoughts with their SO's. They don't need to ask other women what they should do on date night with their SO.

    Maybe you do have trust issues. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel free to draw the line with what you feel comfortable with. I don't know anyone, man or woman, who would be comfortable with that. Does he think you are some sort of an idiot?
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    no he's apologized repeatedly yet it's not working for me at this point. now his attitude after i have been ripping into him all day is well i meant nothing by it. i have serious trust issues no doubt and right now i'm so upset because he's the one tha tpushed the memories of what happened to me yeras ago to the surface and here i am him saying im' torturing him by not trusting etc.

    he wants me to understand that he loves me and that it doesn't matter what friends he has that are female he can be trusted.

    i do not feel this way at all and i have no idea what im supposed Occupational Therapist (OT) do right now i'm so upset and confused and hating his guts right now
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I get that he apologized, but did he stop? I guess I don't take apologies at face value when the actions don't support it. If he meant nothing by it, he needs to show that. Dimwit's numbers should be blocked and no more texts/calls/whathaveyous should be coming from her.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I put all my faith in him, gave notice at my job, let him asssit me with my road to healing from my abuse, etc. was truly ready to accept my life with him and kids let my walls down even though i was petrified and now this.

    i'm not sure what to think. is this a guy who cheats? is this someone i can trust? is he taking me for a ride?

    you have to understand there has been so much enlightenment the past 3 weeks for me regardign my past my parents, etc. i'm finding i can trust no one that no one really cares truly about me except me and my kids and i thought him. so that's why maybe i'm making bigger deal of this and getting so dramatic becuase i've already been so hurt beyond words the past 3 weeks with flashbacks etc.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Hon, whatever it is, he shouldn't be doing something that makes you feel this bad. You probably do need to step back from this, that's true. But he needs to step back and examine why he would do something so stupid. Because let me tell you, what he did would cause trust problems in any relationship, and if he can't figure out that having fun chatting with another woman isn't ok, he needs to rethink things.

    You're not going to solve it today. But you shouldn't feel stupid or guilty for reacting this way to what he did. Whether they were just chatting or they had a full blown affair, it was a betrayal of trust and anyone with half a brain can see that. He shouldn't try to minimize how much it hurt you even if it was just a few text messages. His bad.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    your right. and he said he knows where it came from it was pressure. pressure from my difficult child's that are all messed up, pressure from me quitting job that he told me to, pressure from hearing very graphic things regarding my abuse.

    i said obviously you need to be played with to some extent you can't be loyal to me. his response was i menat nothing by it. i said that's not good enough. the first day you lied about it regardless of waht reaction you thought i'd have it was wrong.

    he said well maybe it would help if i went back to therapy for myself. i said don't put my stuff my kids, etc. as the reason why you were on the road to cheating.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are right on with this. And he should go back to therapy, because this time it's all about him.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thank u so much i mean it for talking to me and calming me down a little.

    i'm still very hurt it doesn't matter to me if they were just friends or not it's fact he lied that hurts.

    it's taken all i have to trust him and now he has taught me i cannot. it's not good enough that pressure leads him to this.

    i'm telling you i'm taking hit from what his ex did to him. she turned gay after 18 yeras of marriage. so my psychiatric head tells me that yup he loves me yet he thrives off attention from other woman because it feeds his damaged ego from her turning gay. 18 years is a long time to walk away without any issues. thought this man was a rock issue free hate that the issue he has is fidelity it directly collides with my lack of trust. we're doomed. thought we were getting stronger communication was excellent his support was tremendous i was back in love stage oh well life *****.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    how can we move forward now? what do i do after giving notice at a job becaues i'm a wreck? should i trust him again or make my plan to get out? how can i do that now when i'm not well? wow so many questions all from one event me checking his miserable phone.
  11. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I do not mean to sund like I'm getting down on y ou, but I really don't understand why you felt the need to invade his proivacy by checking his cellphone.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    if u read my posts i have major major trust issues thats why........... im glad i did at least now i know
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    With hard work and honesty. It will take both of you agreeing that you will do whatever you can to make sure that he doesn't do something that dumb, and you can help him do it without getting overly hurt too fast. He needs to understand that he harmed your trust, but you both have to know that it's not the end of the relationship if you both want more. The real question being, do you both want more?
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i love him. h'es the only person who had the nerve and the faith in me to bring me where he did wtih what i suffered and repressed so long ago. i owe him so much for making me this miserable lol

    yet without trust there's nothing. i gave it to him and he violated it. to me doesn't matter if he never even went out with her it's the fact he lied. my dad lied my abuser that was the last time i ever trusted a man until now.

    between dealing with difficult child's and the mess im personally in right now i don't know how to react to this other than banging him over head all day which i've already done.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Well, maybe therapy for y'all as a couple would help. It sounds like your issues collide.

    I know my dingy husband might end up with that **** if he worked around young women as in a restaurant setting. I knew many who saw the owner of a restaurant as a prime catch and would do anything to get that man away from his relationships. Stupid, and it didnt' work.

    My husband did work with a younger woman. She told him she wanted a man LIKE him. She didn't mean him. EVER. I knew her, and have total trust in my husband (with good reason) but friends told me it was a sign he was "involved" with her. Her father was husband's age, and she saw him as another father. I know, cause she brought it up. She was afraid I would think she had a thing for him cause she used to ask his advice about things. He was the only guy in the office.

    And he is a really GOOD guy.

    She did meet a guy and fall in love. He WAS much like my husband, it was funny. Such a nice guy though.

    You can work through this or run away from it. Depends partly on what he wants to do.

    Hugs, sweetie.
  16. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks. you guys realy are the best i've been steering clear focusing on doing alot for me therapy drugs then off drugs handling difficult children as best i can.

    he doesn't want to leave he says he loves me it was due to stress that is what scares me to be honest. he says he did nothing but that they talked on the phone and texted. i should never of checked his phone but i'm in the thick of it right now dealing with the "my stuff" and it's hard. i think i'm glad i chcked it though because now i know. he says he swears nothing happened. yet to me just lying is enough. make sense? does this mena he's a bad man? why does every miserable relationshp have to be a work in progress or teach me something. i thought the worst of it was over with him. his mouth flew south a few times i laid down the law he stopped and made true effort then this.

    ugh and it's his second time that's what scares me too. if you remember i know it's hard so many posts of mine lol but our relationship was in worp speed. we met, dated, fell in love and boom lived together out of necessity due to my situation (which never happened before) he wound up texting and flirting with some old friend that he was once involved with in a weird way for short period of time. it took 3 mos. for that to stop he said it was because he got scard. i got that i truly did. i regained my trust then he forced me to deal with my stuff he really did. so here i am dealing and just a barrell of fun and trusting is hard and when i questioned he lied Occupational Therapist (OT) my face yet again that is waht hurts the most.

    i saw a future these past 3 weeks i thought we grew closer i gues we didn't. the thought of him spending time on a phone talking to this other let me say girl she's twenty something makes me sick. ugh.

    as if we didn't have enough problems im telling you between my kids i'm handling his that have issues also restaruant problems now big problems mite have to sell me quitting job my past wow did he realy have to add yet another thing to the list of cr*p???

    thanks for being there i mean it.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    What I am going to say may not be the popular opinion but Im gonna give it anyway.

    I think you are over-reacting due to your issues. Have you ever considered you could possibly be borderline PD? Much of what you have described sounds right in there. Grew up with abuse, trust issues, mood instability.

    In my personal opinion texting doesnt equate to cheating. It is also so common to act flirty in a text or instant message when one would never behave in that way in person. I do it all the time...men and women. Im just more bubbly with the typed word. Doesnt mean I want to leave my husband and fall into bed with the person Im talking to. I rarely tell my husband about this because he could care less what I do online.
  18. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Janet brings up a valid point and one you should explore with your therapist ASAP. I'nto borderline, but I'm seeing some real red flags here, and you do have the sort of past th at could lead to Borderline (BPD).

    There are effective therapies for this and some psychiatrists report success with bipolar medications for treatment as well.
  19. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Going to add my 2 cents here. You need to take care of YOU. What ever that is, however you do it. If you are dependent on him, he knows he will have you because you need him.
    My experience has shown me that once I became a strong, independent person, HE would never risk losing me if he truly wanted me. And if he took the chance of losing me, then he never really wanted me.

    It took a long time for me to get through that period in my life. I know now, if I had to I would be OK...me and the kids.

    on the other hand..I have male friends. Men I use to work with. I am very close to a couple men who have spent 20 years of my life working with. My husband has been included in our conversations. If we go to lunch, my husband is always welcome and he knows it. Male and female friends. We don't see or talk often, but when we do it isn't just myself and the other. Our spouses, families are included.
    husband rarely socializes. If he has co-workers that he talks to, male or female I am fine with it. UNLESS, he did so without informing me or including me.
    That for both male and female. I respect the person, and would not ever think of not including husband. And vice versa. And husband rarely joins us, and I rarely join him.

    I would not handle your situation very well. If she is a friend, include you.

    I hope you take the time to take care of yourself.
  20. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I agree with Kjs. Whatever is happening, nurturing yourself, making yourself stronger and more secure IN yourself, is the answer. He knows how you feel. Enough said. Actions speak louder than words. You cannot know what the future will bring ~ none of us can.

    For me, this would be strike one.

    I would distance myself emotionally from husband. Begin now to enlarge your life.

    husband would need to choose his next move ~ not because I don't trust HIM, but because I don't want to play second fiddle and don't need the stress of wondering when or whether that is what is coming next.

    This isn't about your trust issues.

    It's about respect for you and for your relationship.

    That isn't something you can make happen ~ it's either there or the relationship is not what you believed it to have been.

    That's what I have to say about that, this morning.