I could use some advice please

[Jena]

hi to everyone,

so it's not a difficult child issue. not directly anyhow. sure it's hard being her parent at times, i adore her so but it's stressful. i've left my job due to her condition trying to start a paralegal business from home. it just makes me be that more creative with how to even make money.

so here is what i could use some thoughts on, if you don't mind it's a personal issue yet i've come to trust here the thougts and advice and i don't think i could of managed as well as ihave with difficult child without it to be quite frank.

so, my fiance and i decided to get married last week in august. we have some history. he's made some misktakes in our relationship. i will try to keep this brief.

when we began let's just add he was a divorcee from an 18 year marriage and 3 kids his ex turned gay suddenly, hard working guy he killed himself she stayed home with kids.
we met pretty much fell in love, p.s. we moved in together. adjustment's gone extremely well with all our kids. so he had a long standing friendship with a woman with whom was his ex's best friend. he admitted there was some attraction there, etc. he said they spoke on occassion no big deal when we met. i came to find after moving in they were texting alot i knew because yup unhealthy me checked his phone. so she'd call him sunshine, say good morning and good nite and they flirted with eachother a whole lot. i confronted him, we spoke of it i was ready to bolt. he said repeatedly how it meant nothing, etc. and he'd stop it. this carried on for 5 mos. till it finally ended or so i thought. there were some normal texts in there as well about kids, life, etc. so he said he'd have a difficult time giving up the friendship yet i put my foot down and said hello you are flirting with her, that's ridiculous you ruined your opportunity to talk to her as a friend.

months pass our relationship is blooming tremendously we have a great tiem together he convinces he to let's just say face alot of my inner demons, pays for difficult child's medical testing or lays money out i'm trying to get reimbursement thru insurance stands behind me while i quit job.

so we tell our kids last night that we are getting married. me i'm petrified for those who know me i have issues that ihave been working on huge committment issues also. yet kids react well, it's all good. i notice him stressed and i say what's up his response i'm just overwhelmed it's normal i'm scared i love you and i'm happy though. so he's in bathroom way too long last night before bed i sense something's up yet he says nothing. my gut tells me he's texting her again.

sure enogh i check his phone this a.m. very unhealthy and wrong of me. and there it is he was texting her. how his ex hurt him with some of the stuff she sadi to him yesterday that i didn't even know about, how he's feeling overwhelmed her last text to him is goodnight sunshine love ya.

so i confront him again. he says she is my friend and i am sorry it happened i probably should of reached out to someone else. i said yup. then he said your wrong for touching my phone i agree whole heartedly yet say hey it's the only way i can know what's going on with you that isn't healty your like a little jigsaw puzzle to me at times.

so now i sit wtih this knowing that moving forward she is gonig to be part of his life, i cannot ask him to give up a friend of 18 years even if she caused me great stress in the beginning with her flirtacious texts, and all.

so do i a. run for the hills in time once i save up money adn get business going

or b. call this woman set up a mtg. and learn to accept her presence in his world and not be threatened by it.

or c. am i just crazy?? LOL

ok i know that was long. probably not the right topic for this great place. yet i trust in here and i need some thoughts.

THANKS

Jen

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Jen,

I am going to be as honest as I can with you. Since you came to the board, you have said things about your relationship with your boyfriend that sends huge red flags to me. You have mentioned emotional abuse, lots of yelling, and now this. I personally do not think that either one of you were ready for a relationship when you got involved with eachother. I certainly do not think that is was wise to move in together.

People on this board have presented facts to you in response to your complaints, and you have often turned around and said things like "oh, it's not that bad".

His reaction tells me that he is scared to death and truly not ready to be married. The fact that you are checking his phone for text messages tells me that YOU are not ready to be married.

Staying with a man for financial reasons is really no reason at all. There is help out there. If you stick around just till you get yourself financially situated, and then run for the hills, then you are using him. If you feel you need to end this relationship, find a way to do it now.

My honest opinion is that your relationship with your boyfriend is based on convenience, and is not a healthy one.

 

[Jena]

hi,

i'm totally open to everything at this point. and have come so very far with myself in the past 3 mos. to be very honest. i'm truly let me just say not here for financial reasons i realy am not. that isn't the woman i am.

i do love this man very much. the emotional abuse you refer to and things regarding how he handled the kids, etc. his i didnt' mean in anyway to turn a blind eye regarding what we experienced or others opinions of such. yet it is also very true that often when a person with whom only knows someone via the web does not truly understand the entire situation so often people can view it as uh oh she's in trouble he's abusive she's in denial get out. i have to be honest in saying that he isnt' abusive, he handled a few situations in sucha way that my stomach was turning, yet after speaking with him and him returning to therapy with me jointly on occassion and on his own his way of handling the kids, and our relationship and differences we have has made a complete turn around.

now what you say in regards to me checking his phone, and the other stuff. your so right. i don't trust i'm committment phobic i dont' trust easily if someone gives me issue even slightest not to trust i normally run for hills that is who i am. so i've been working really hard in therapy to not only alleviate the stress due to difficult child but to also move past my emotional issues and become a much healthier me.

he is scared to death of this marriage. i can't understand why he would proceed wtih something if he's petriifed to just make me happy that is just stupid. he keeps saying he'll be ok he'll calm down it's perfectly normal.

i moved in based on convenience as you know had spent it all on difficult child doctor's stupidly but i did ihave alot of faith and i assumed it would all work out. so i moved in quickly becuase at the time we had no where else to go. i've come to rely on him for not only emotional support but yes the roof over our heads. so it's not a convenience thing. yet you may be correct in stating it's not a healthy thing.

we're going to go to therapy together tonight i think, i'm waiting on call back. a close friend told me who knows him pretty well said go meet this woman befriend her, etc. i'm just too old to make anymore major mistakes.

thank you for your candor but i truly wanted you to knwo i'm not here out of convenience i do love him, maybe your right and i shouldn't but deep down in my heart i truly do.

 

[Shari]

Hey, Jen.

I hate to say it but I have to agree with BBK. As long as trust is an issue for either of you, there's no reason to take it any further.

Doesn't mean you have to leave, just means you guys probably need to get some counseling, together and seperate, if you want this to work. He's got to build trust, and maybe it will include this other lady. Lord knows one of my closest friends was my husband, long before we were married. There was nothing more there. There was nothing there when he moved in here...he moved in to help me with money and kids. It went from there. I have 2 other friends that are guys, but husband is OK with it...I can carry on a conversation with either right in front of him. Anyway, long story short, the lady friend may need to go, she may need to stay, but getting married, now, in my humble opinion, is asking for more trouble.

men and women both seem to think that little piece of paper is some kind of assurance that the other isn't going anywhere. Its not. And that needs to be figured out before there's a little piece of paper.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck.

 

[DammitJanet]

I personally think this whole situation is more about you and your reactions than it is about your SO. Your trust issues are holding you back.

I dont send texts on my phone but I do instant message on the computer. Im all the time calling someone "hun, darlin or other types of things" and I often end my texts with "luv ya, have a good night". Im not in any type of relationship with these people other than a friendship. In fact you may have noticed that I start some posts here with Hun or Darlin. Im southern...lol.

I trust my SO completely and wouldnt care if I found texts to him. If he wants to stray he will do so and there is nothing I can do about it just by reading his text messages.

I had and still do have, major trust issues but they dont have much to do with other people. Its a major part of my borderline diagnosis. My SO and I have been together since my oldest son was 2 but we have never married. I dont feel the need to now after just shy of 25 years together. That piece of paper isnt going to tie us together any closer than we are now.

All relationships are going to have issues. This is especially true when you combine families. My SO hates my ex with a passion but it is because of the way he treated his son. Oddly enough it is my ex who has the issues with us even communicating on a purely superficial basis. He wont even talk to me on the computer about my oldest son...lol. He says he doesnt feel it is proper for divorced people to talk to each other...oh please....I sure dont want him and wouldnt take him back if he had 10 million bucks tied to his bum!

 

[Jena]

hi

wow that's an interesting story. a nice story. i like happy endings. i know my gut is telling me that lying is not good at all. he lied. i asked him point blank are you ok, who have you been texting, and his answer was no one just my accountant. lie. it was her. i have no problem with him having friends it's a healthy balance in life i have alot of them and it's healthy. what's not healthy is hiding it, lying about it, and scaring the person your with into being let's just say unhealthy and checking a cell phone like i'm 17years old. granted the behavior was my own not to be blamed on anyone but little me, yet my gut told me he was lying and it was the only way to get the truth. makes me wonder what his 18 year marriage was like..........

thanks for your advice though always appreciate everyone's honesty here

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh trust me, we are not always happy...lol. I drive him insane with my issues...and he gets on my nerves about half the time.

In your situation you have boxed him into a corner about talking with this person. Of course he is going to tell you what you want to hear. Maybe the best thing would be to actually meet this person. Its probable that she has no romantic interest in him at all. You havent found texts with plans to meet at the local no tell motel. (At least you havent said you did.)

I dont have problems with trust in that aspect of our relationship but I do in others. I have to be able to trust that mine isnt going to cheat because he works out of town quite often so he has opportunities to do what he wants. Which also means I have the same opportunities.

 

[Jena]

hi

thanks for sharing the story wtih me. so you think that's ok to be scared and go sit in a bathroom and text some other woman about it, instead of coming to me so we can talk it out? especially given the history of this woman and him. they did have some sort of relationship at some point and not just a friendship. it just strikes me as odd and troubling behavior. yes you are right i was wrong in checking his phone, i guess i just feel it's the only way to get the truth out of him or his life or waht goes on behind my back. because he doesn't speak the truth. that's not a great quality.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Jennifer,

To me, the main issues go beyond texting. Lying is one and sharing is another. He lied to you when he said he would stop texting (or commmunicating) with her. Only you can decide if you can trust him on other issues.

Second is the sharing issue. If his ex said something mean or cruel to him, why did he not speak to you, his intended wife, fiance, lover, etc. You are supposed to be best friends. Doesn't sound like you are.

It would appear to me that this relationship was rushed with neither party really ready for the 100% committment. Were it me, the lying and sharing his troubles with another woman would be another red flag, in additional to some of the emotional stuff you have had to deal with regarding him in the past. But, that's just me. I know nothing is perfect, but that does't mean you have to settle either.

Sharon

 

[meowbunny]

Jennifer, I doubt you're going to like this, but there is no way I would tell you the truth if I were he. You would be angry that he wanted to confide in his friend rather than you. You'd accuse him of wanting to be with her, of trusting her more than you, of having more faith in her judgment than he does in yours. You may even be right but as long as he feels you're going to be upset about him talking to her, he's going to lie to you about it -- to protect both himself and you.

He had problems with his ex. His friend knows his ex well. I don't know how you would handle a discussion about his ex, but I'm willing to bet you'd go off the deep end -- the last thing he would need at that time. Plus, sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who knows all parties well and get an outside opinion.

My best friend is male. We started as lovers and were in a relationship for several years. As time went on, we became best friends and lovers. More time passed and we discovered we had a great friendship but a lousy relationship. Now, we email and IM each other daily. I know about every fight he has had with his wife, when his kids sneeze, when his business has problems. I probably know about what is going on in his life more than his wife does. I don't talk to her, she is not my friend -- she is my best friend's mate. Fortunately, she's wise enough and secure enough to accept that we do love each other and always will but we will never be lovers or in a relationship together again -- we don't want it, we value our friendship. I think if she tried to stop our communications, he would do it behind her back and lie to her. He needs me as much as he needs his wife, just in very different ways.

FYI, I convinced him to marry his wife. I went to his wedding. I was the second call he made when she became pregnant after his parents. I got the first picture of the baby. He was there when my daughter's adoption became final. He came running when I called the first time she ran away. He visited me at the hospital daily when the stalker harmed me. We truly are each other's best friends, nothing more.

I think we have a healthy relationship. I know he has a healthy relationship with his wife. What you and your boyfriend have is not healthy.

 

[Jena]

hi

nope that's ok whether i like it or not i knew you guys would give me the truth that is why all of you are so great.

i'm taking it all in. you are correct we donot have a completely healthy relationship as of yet for sure. i agree 100% on that one. question is can we have one?

i can totally appreciate what you said about a best friend being male mine was as well, same tale tried the relationship end didn't work, the friendship did though so that's what we are or were. yet i left the friendship due to my fiance he was uncomfortable with it and so i didn't want to hurt him.

afterall he's the oen that sits up with me and difficult child countless nights, pays hte bills, is there when i'm hurt or sad walks me thru it, encourages me to go off on my owna nd start my own business. so yup he deserved i thought to feel comfortable. no there were no motel texts or anything lol. yet in past they did flirt alot.

i said to him the other night if i have to learn to accept this person in your world i will do such and i will have coffee with her and she can remain your friend and this lying can stop. he said no need i wont' speak to her etc. yet here we go again. he lies alot. i thin it comes from his ex she was very controlling and always ontop of him and so he always had to cover up everything. even though i seem intense i'm alot more sane believe it or not lol.

i want a healthy relationship we got things under wrap with how we handle kids for most part which was huge, hwo i want to aruge without name calling junk even the word jerk being used that was huge we moved past our i'm a me and your a you into we're an us that was huge. yet he still lies adn i still don't trust. not good. weddings supposed to be end of august.
who knows............. ??

 

[DammitJanet]

I think MB put it better than I did.

Ya know, when I first got together with tony I had so many issues relating to a relationship its a wonder we ever stayed together. I didnt trust men, I assumed they were going to hurt and use me, I figured I would use them before they could hurt me and be done with it. I tried to control everything and put my own insecurities out there as though HE was the one doing wrong. I felt like he was going to do the same things to me that all other guys had done...especially my ex.

Not long after we met and moved in together he got fed up with my behavior and told me he wasnt my ex, he wasnt any other guy and I had to stop treating him the way I was. I didnt take the hint and he left one night and slept with the girl he liked when I met him. Now granted we had only been together maybe 3 weeks...if that...I got the message loud and clear that time. The next day we talked everything out and have been together for 25 years this July. Nothing is perfect. He probably has more reason to feel like you do because I have cheated on him. He has somewhat forgiven me but it took quite a bit of work to get there. He has had some friendships with women but they arent something I worry about. He is also a natural born flirt...or people just like him because he talks to everyone in a friendly way.

If your fiance is lying just to be lying...then something is wrong. You two need to sit down and have a long long talk about what you expect out of a relationship. There is no reason to put a rush on anything. If you truly love each other time isnt going to change anything.

 

[KTMom91]

Jen,

I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I have a wonderful friend (male) who I've known since high school. We've been together on and off between our marriages (to other people). He knows me better than anyone else, he knows where I've come from, what I've accomplished, and he's always there to cheer me on, and I do the same for him. His wife is very controlling, jealous, etc. I've met her a few times in passing. As an example, when my mom called him to tell him that Miss KT had been born, her response was, "Why do you care? It's not yours, is it?" Hubby knows I'm still friends with this man, he might not be totally OK with it, but he accepts it. His wife does not know we talk. It would make his live a living he11 if she did.

Even if you and he have become an us, you still need some things to be separate. Friends are one of those things. Your giving up your friend was your choice, and in my opinion I think you want boyfriend to make the same choice to prove he loves you. I could be wrong, but that's what I see.

 

[trinityroyal]

Hello Jen,

Like BBK and MB and others have said, I see some major red flags in the situation.

If you do want to remain in the relationship, then Shari's advice is great. Go to counselling together, work out all of your issues together, and work on the relationship together.

Don't rush into a marriage that you're not ready for, because you think that will be the answer to all your problems. It won't be. It won't solve any of the problems you and boyfriend are having now, and it will add others to the mix that it doesn't sound like you're ready for.

In one of your posts, you mention that at your age you can't afford to make a mistake. That's nonsense. If you're rushing to get married to meet an arbitrary deadline, that is a terrible reason.

I worry that your boyfriend feels the need to hide in the bathroom to send text messages behind your back, because he knows that you won't react well to it. I worry that instead of being open to your idea of meeting his friend and trying to be accepting, that he insists he will give up his friendship with her. Clearly he's not willing to do so. His behaviour has shown you that. He told you before that he would break off contact with his friend, and he has clearly not done so.

I worry that you want him to break off contact with his friend. That's a very heavy demand to place on someone. I worry that you feel the need to sneak behind his back and look at his text messages.

The dynamic between the two of you doesn't sound healthy at all. Between the lying, the lack of trust, and teh ultimatums, I think marriage would be a big mistake right now.

Maybe right now is your time to work on your issues. You have been undergoing some pretty intense times, based on your other posts. Maybe that needs to be your focus. Don't rush into a relationship just so that you can have the illusion of security. If you don't have all of your issues sorted out, you'll just be buying yourself years of unhappiness, and possibly years more of therapy to try and sort out the mess.

Trinity

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Here is one other thing to consider.

If he does not want you to meet this girl, could there be a reason behind it? Maybe he is seeing her in an inappropriate manner. If he is, it would be very awkward for the two of you to meet. He knows that. That would also account for why he is having a hard time giving up talking to this person. Just playing devil's advocate here.

 

[Hound dog]

Jen

I'm sort of wondering why you two decided to marry....if just the thought is scaring him to death?? Nervous, yeah ok. Especially after a bad first marriage. But scared to death would make me wonder. Maybe he needs a bit more time.

Trust issues you obviously have. I can say that because I have them too. lol

If he's been friends with this person for 18 yrs and it hasn't become physical (or maybe did and was over) odds are romance is not happening.

My Mom divorced her 2nd husband when I was 6. He died when I was 22. All those years in between they were the best of friends, they even took care and watched out for each other. But romance?? No. That part of the relationship was over. Mom's 3rd husband couldn't handle the friendship or get a grip on his jealousy. Their marriage crumbled after only 2 yrs. (and this was with Mom keeping her distance from the ex 2nd husband)

When husband and I first got married rumor had it that his first wife was out to "get him back". Instead of getting jealous (I figured that she'd left and divorced, odds are she didn't), I called her. We had a nice pleasant chat that was the start of many years of friendship. Drove husband batty. lol by the way she had no interest in romance with husband again, that was done and over with.

A friendship of so many years is going to be terribly hard to just chuck because your girlfriend has issues. husband and I've been married almost 25 yrs and if he told me he didn't want me being friends with someone I'd have a fit, then tell him to deal with it as it's his issue not mine. Believe it or not, we've had a few such conversations.

So if it were me, and I thought I wouldn't be able to take the friendship at face value, that it would bother me and make me wonder....... Well, I'd be putting on marriage until I was sure I could deal with it and accept it.

Why don't you go out to lunch with her? Maybe if you meet her you'll see why husband values her friendship so much. And heck, maybe you'll strike up a new friendship yourself.

Just my .02 cents worth.

Hugs

 

[klmno]

Hey, Jen ! I'm no expert onmarriage (and that is a MAJOR understatement), but I think I would wait longer in this case. Stay together - it does sound like you both have something working for you and maybe all these doubts and issues can be worked, so that marriage would be a good idea later on. My concern is that if you marry before these things have gotten resolved, it could destroy what you have going for you, and the marriage. And when I say get them worked out, I don't mean by having a few converstaions and making some agreements or compromises. I mean just wait a long time and find out how this trnaspires with his friend. Deal with the difficult child issues on your plate- and your issues on your plate- Lord knows, these are enough by themselves. If this relationship is meant to last, it will last without that piece of paper and legal and financial obligations.

So..that is my opinion..

 

[DammitJanet]

Ya know, I have another friend who is going through dating a man whose first wife left him because she was gay. The man she is dating is having a very hard time believing that a woman wont do that to him again.

 

[Lothlorien]

I haven't had the chance to read all of the posts. However, BBK is right on the money, here. I would not marry him. Not now, anyway. There are too many things that are problematic and will not get better, just because you have that paper between you. When a marriage begins, it should be fresh and free of those problems. Anyway, that's my opinion on the matter. Postpone it. Don't rush into it. A year from now, you may regret marrying him. Then again, a year from now, things may be better if you get on top of them now and then Blessings to you!

 

[daralex]

I also agree with-BBK. This should be the best time in your relationship. It is absolutely a trust issue - you don't trust him (with reason) and he can't be trusted (he's proved it) Work things out (if they are workable) but I would absolutely hold off on the marriage. It shouldn't be a rush situation. You don't want to look back a year from now and wish you did things differently. Slow down - what's the rush? It just doesn't sound like you have a solid/healthy relationship right now and you DO need one to have a marraige last.