mom_to_3
Active Member
I had eye surgery on BOTH eyes last Wed. It was day surgery. On Fri. there was another CPS court hearing 1 1/2 hrs. away. My difficult child was desperate for me to be there. It was the hearing to determine placement of the children. We had gone thru the home study, criminal background check, etc. We had positive recommendations. I told my difficult child that I was having surgery and that I had NO idea how I would be feeling and that I couldn't predict what condition I would be in or even if I could be there. I did tell her that I would do everything possible to be there. And I did. I even had my 20 yr. old that works as a dental assistant take off the day to drive me as I was unable.
My difficult child kept saying we were her only chance to get her son out of foster care, she was desperate! Begging me. My difficult child and his bio father has signed papers saying that they wanted our grandson to stay with us in our home. I have made it clear from the beginning that we were only interested in caring for our grandson. There is also a 1 1/2 yr. old little girl, same dad, different mother that is in foster care too. I don't have a personal problem with the little girl. BUT, my grandson is big time HIGH maintenance! He sneaks out of houses, he's awake all night, just a Wylie Coyote, and we have a swimming pool. We love him to pieces, but he is a hand full! It was always a relief to send him back home after a couple of days. At our ages, I couldn't imagine having a super duper hyper boy and his 1 1/2 old sister doing this long term without a break, days after surgery!
We're in court. Everyone is excited to see me, especially my difficult child's court appointed attorney. I'm wearing sunglasses in a courtroom no less, to cover my bruised and swollen eyes, trying to find a CPS worker to ask her what kind of services would be available to us, as in respite?! She thinks I'm looking for money and doesn't know if there will be any. I didn't care about any money, money won't take care of my rest. Just to know I would get a break every week or so, would be something positive to hang on to. I didn't learn a thing.
The judge comes in, calls everyone up including me and swears everyone in. We're going to figure out placement. I was the only person there willing and able to accept our grandson. My difficult child told the judge she wanted him with us, his dad and girlfriend said they wanted the same. The judge ponders it and decides that he doesn't want to split the children up. I can so totally understand and respect that. So he asks me if I am willing to take both children. I told him no, I was not. I didn't feel that I could do any of us justice and explained that my grandson was quite the handful. More discussion about the children from foster care caseworker who explains that my grandson is a very angry 4 yr. old. He is still pooping his pants, peeing on the carpet, on curtains, etc. He tells them that he is mad and wants his mother, our difficult child and that is why he is doing this.
The judge still decides to keep the children together and I think that is probably the correct decision too. Then the judges says to me.......... last chance, both children or none. In the best interest of everyone, I had no choice but to say none. It broke my heart. They will stay in foster care. The judge appreciated my honesty.
Well...................... My difficult child, nor her court appointed attorney, nor the bio dad appreciated my honesty or the efforts that my family and I had made. Excuse me IDIOTS!. No one talked to me after the hearing. I did think that odd, but I don't hang too close to them either.
Yesterday morning I woke up with all of this garbage heavy on my mind. I sat down at my computer and wrote up 4 pages of "truths" about my difficult child and this situation with her innocent son. I called her and made arrangements to drive an hour to talk to her. She agreed to it. I got there and after a bit, I told her that I had something that I wanted to read to her. These were things, that I had not shared my true feelings with her about. First and foremost, I told her that I thought that both children were going to be lost to the system because both mothers and fathers ARE NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS, NOR FOR THEIR CHILDREN! They sit on their butts and blame everyone else for EVERYTHING bad that has happened in their lives and then act shocked when it all goes to hell! I went on to tell her EXACTLY how she has screwed up her life and how she has screwed up her sons life and so much more.
You can imagine how she took this. She was beyond VERY, VERY ANGRY. She of course didn't agree with me and was very defensive, made up lies to show what a good mother she had been, said how this was NOT her fault, her son was at his dad's, blah, blah, blah. A good mother does not leave her son. A good mother does not take her son and return him to a filthy, disgusting house where she KNOWS he is being mistreated and unsupervised and is not getting medical treatments for an observable infection on his foot and to top it all off, he is a diabetic for crying out loud and they did not take him in for check ups!!!!! After he was in foster care, I told them he was a diabetic and needed to be checked out and guess what??? His blood sugars were high and he was back on insulin.
She screamed hateful, hurtful things at me. I reduced myself to that same level and actually screamed at her. I don't usually scream at people! That's when I knew I had to leave. She told me that it is a good thing she was so strong, because someone weaker than her hearing what I had said would kill themselves! OMG! I did not respond. I told her it was over and that this obviously was not going anywhere and that I was leaving.
I went to my car and got in, putting on my sunglasses, starting the car and she runs and stands in front of my car and says/DEMANDS ............................... Roll down your window and talk to me or you can run over me! She is exhibiting HUGE RED FLAGS for BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER! Obviously, I would not run her over, nor do I want to be manipulated by her. I rolled down my window and told her not to do that again. She begins the garbage again, I slipped up and responded and we end up in a screaming match again! At this point, she had moved and I drove off. I did tell her it was over between us and for her to not contact me again.
I am about 3 miles down the road and she calls my cell phone. Like an idiot, I pick it up. She is crying and wants to know where I am. I said I AM GOING HOME! She says to me, (my daughter, that is) I didn't ask you that, I asked you where you were! What NERVE! I repeated I AM GOING HOME! She cried and begged me to go back to her. I said NO! Then she upped the anti more and said things trying to hurt me. She then said in a mocking voice.... you can't even take care of TWO children! YOU are the reason MY son is in foster care!!!! UNFREAKING BELIEVABLE! Again, I screamed, NO, YOU PUT HIM THERE! DON"T EVER CALL ME AGAIN. And she hasn't.
I cried on my drive home, hard. Cried for what should have been, cried for what was, and cried for what is going to happen. I know it's out of my hands and I know it's better for those children to not be with sick people like his bio parents. I love my daughter and told her so. But, I so very much HATE what she has done to herself, her family, and most importantly, her innocent son.
It is out of my hands. I have to put this in it's place again.I have been in this "place" many times before, but not with as much at stake. I have to accept what I have control over and what I don't. I have never had control as much as I tried, over my difficult child or her actions. We have just always had to roll with the ramifications of life with a difficult child. This time it is so very difficult to "put my grandson in his place". We will never see him again.
My difficult child kept saying we were her only chance to get her son out of foster care, she was desperate! Begging me. My difficult child and his bio father has signed papers saying that they wanted our grandson to stay with us in our home. I have made it clear from the beginning that we were only interested in caring for our grandson. There is also a 1 1/2 yr. old little girl, same dad, different mother that is in foster care too. I don't have a personal problem with the little girl. BUT, my grandson is big time HIGH maintenance! He sneaks out of houses, he's awake all night, just a Wylie Coyote, and we have a swimming pool. We love him to pieces, but he is a hand full! It was always a relief to send him back home after a couple of days. At our ages, I couldn't imagine having a super duper hyper boy and his 1 1/2 old sister doing this long term without a break, days after surgery!
We're in court. Everyone is excited to see me, especially my difficult child's court appointed attorney. I'm wearing sunglasses in a courtroom no less, to cover my bruised and swollen eyes, trying to find a CPS worker to ask her what kind of services would be available to us, as in respite?! She thinks I'm looking for money and doesn't know if there will be any. I didn't care about any money, money won't take care of my rest. Just to know I would get a break every week or so, would be something positive to hang on to. I didn't learn a thing.
The judge comes in, calls everyone up including me and swears everyone in. We're going to figure out placement. I was the only person there willing and able to accept our grandson. My difficult child told the judge she wanted him with us, his dad and girlfriend said they wanted the same. The judge ponders it and decides that he doesn't want to split the children up. I can so totally understand and respect that. So he asks me if I am willing to take both children. I told him no, I was not. I didn't feel that I could do any of us justice and explained that my grandson was quite the handful. More discussion about the children from foster care caseworker who explains that my grandson is a very angry 4 yr. old. He is still pooping his pants, peeing on the carpet, on curtains, etc. He tells them that he is mad and wants his mother, our difficult child and that is why he is doing this.
The judge still decides to keep the children together and I think that is probably the correct decision too. Then the judges says to me.......... last chance, both children or none. In the best interest of everyone, I had no choice but to say none. It broke my heart. They will stay in foster care. The judge appreciated my honesty.
Well...................... My difficult child, nor her court appointed attorney, nor the bio dad appreciated my honesty or the efforts that my family and I had made. Excuse me IDIOTS!. No one talked to me after the hearing. I did think that odd, but I don't hang too close to them either.
Yesterday morning I woke up with all of this garbage heavy on my mind. I sat down at my computer and wrote up 4 pages of "truths" about my difficult child and this situation with her innocent son. I called her and made arrangements to drive an hour to talk to her. She agreed to it. I got there and after a bit, I told her that I had something that I wanted to read to her. These were things, that I had not shared my true feelings with her about. First and foremost, I told her that I thought that both children were going to be lost to the system because both mothers and fathers ARE NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS, NOR FOR THEIR CHILDREN! They sit on their butts and blame everyone else for EVERYTHING bad that has happened in their lives and then act shocked when it all goes to hell! I went on to tell her EXACTLY how she has screwed up her life and how she has screwed up her sons life and so much more.
You can imagine how she took this. She was beyond VERY, VERY ANGRY. She of course didn't agree with me and was very defensive, made up lies to show what a good mother she had been, said how this was NOT her fault, her son was at his dad's, blah, blah, blah. A good mother does not leave her son. A good mother does not take her son and return him to a filthy, disgusting house where she KNOWS he is being mistreated and unsupervised and is not getting medical treatments for an observable infection on his foot and to top it all off, he is a diabetic for crying out loud and they did not take him in for check ups!!!!! After he was in foster care, I told them he was a diabetic and needed to be checked out and guess what??? His blood sugars were high and he was back on insulin.
She screamed hateful, hurtful things at me. I reduced myself to that same level and actually screamed at her. I don't usually scream at people! That's when I knew I had to leave. She told me that it is a good thing she was so strong, because someone weaker than her hearing what I had said would kill themselves! OMG! I did not respond. I told her it was over and that this obviously was not going anywhere and that I was leaving.
I went to my car and got in, putting on my sunglasses, starting the car and she runs and stands in front of my car and says/DEMANDS ............................... Roll down your window and talk to me or you can run over me! She is exhibiting HUGE RED FLAGS for BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER! Obviously, I would not run her over, nor do I want to be manipulated by her. I rolled down my window and told her not to do that again. She begins the garbage again, I slipped up and responded and we end up in a screaming match again! At this point, she had moved and I drove off. I did tell her it was over between us and for her to not contact me again.
I am about 3 miles down the road and she calls my cell phone. Like an idiot, I pick it up. She is crying and wants to know where I am. I said I AM GOING HOME! She says to me, (my daughter, that is) I didn't ask you that, I asked you where you were! What NERVE! I repeated I AM GOING HOME! She cried and begged me to go back to her. I said NO! Then she upped the anti more and said things trying to hurt me. She then said in a mocking voice.... you can't even take care of TWO children! YOU are the reason MY son is in foster care!!!! UNFREAKING BELIEVABLE! Again, I screamed, NO, YOU PUT HIM THERE! DON"T EVER CALL ME AGAIN. And she hasn't.
I cried on my drive home, hard. Cried for what should have been, cried for what was, and cried for what is going to happen. I know it's out of my hands and I know it's better for those children to not be with sick people like his bio parents. I love my daughter and told her so. But, I so very much HATE what she has done to herself, her family, and most importantly, her innocent son.
It is out of my hands. I have to put this in it's place again.I have been in this "place" many times before, but not with as much at stake. I have to accept what I have control over and what I don't. I have never had control as much as I tried, over my difficult child or her actions. We have just always had to roll with the ramifications of life with a difficult child. This time it is so very difficult to "put my grandson in his place". We will never see him again.
