I Cut Off Ties With My difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, May 11, 2008.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I had eye surgery on BOTH eyes last Wed. It was day surgery. On Fri. there was another CPS court hearing 1 1/2 hrs. away. My difficult child was desperate for me to be there. It was the hearing to determine placement of the children. We had gone thru the home study, criminal background check, etc. We had positive recommendations. I told my difficult child that I was having surgery and that I had NO idea how I would be feeling and that I couldn't predict what condition I would be in or even if I could be there. I did tell her that I would do everything possible to be there. And I did. I even had my 20 yr. old that works as a dental assistant take off the day to drive me as I was unable.

    My difficult child kept saying we were her only chance to get her son out of foster care, she was desperate! Begging me. My difficult child and his bio father has signed papers saying that they wanted our grandson to stay with us in our home. I have made it clear from the beginning that we were only interested in caring for our grandson. There is also a 1 1/2 yr. old little girl, same dad, different mother that is in foster care too. I don't have a personal problem with the little girl. BUT, my grandson is big time HIGH maintenance! He sneaks out of houses, he's awake all night, just a Wylie Coyote, and we have a swimming pool. We love him to pieces, but he is a hand full! It was always a relief to send him back home after a couple of days. At our ages, I couldn't imagine having a super duper hyper boy and his 1 1/2 old sister doing this long term without a break, days after surgery!

    We're in court. Everyone is excited to see me, especially my difficult child's court appointed attorney. I'm wearing sunglasses in a courtroom no less, to cover my bruised and swollen eyes, trying to find a CPS worker to ask her what kind of services would be available to us, as in respite?! She thinks I'm looking for money and doesn't know if there will be any. I didn't care about any money, money won't take care of my rest. Just to know I would get a break every week or so, would be something positive to hang on to. I didn't learn a thing.

    The judge comes in, calls everyone up including me and swears everyone in. We're going to figure out placement. I was the only person there willing and able to accept our grandson. My difficult child told the judge she wanted him with us, his dad and girlfriend said they wanted the same. The judge ponders it and decides that he doesn't want to split the children up. I can so totally understand and respect that. So he asks me if I am willing to take both children. I told him no, I was not. I didn't feel that I could do any of us justice and explained that my grandson was quite the handful. More discussion about the children from foster care caseworker who explains that my grandson is a very angry 4 yr. old. He is still pooping his pants, peeing on the carpet, on curtains, etc. He tells them that he is mad and wants his mother, our difficult child and that is why he is doing this.

    The judge still decides to keep the children together and I think that is probably the correct decision too. Then the judges says to me.......... last chance, both children or none. In the best interest of everyone, I had no choice but to say none. It broke my heart. They will stay in foster care. The judge appreciated my honesty.

    Well...................... My difficult child, nor her court appointed attorney, nor the bio dad appreciated my honesty or the efforts that my family and I had made. Excuse me IDIOTS!. No one talked to me after the hearing. I did think that odd, but I don't hang too close to them either.

    Yesterday morning I woke up with all of this garbage heavy on my mind. I sat down at my computer and wrote up 4 pages of "truths" about my difficult child and this situation with her innocent son. I called her and made arrangements to drive an hour to talk to her. She agreed to it. I got there and after a bit, I told her that I had something that I wanted to read to her. These were things, that I had not shared my true feelings with her about. First and foremost, I told her that I thought that both children were going to be lost to the system because both mothers and fathers ARE NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS, NOR FOR THEIR CHILDREN! They sit on their butts and blame everyone else for EVERYTHING bad that has happened in their lives and then act shocked when it all goes to hell! I went on to tell her EXACTLY how she has screwed up her life and how she has screwed up her sons life and so much more.

    You can imagine how she took this. She was beyond VERY, VERY ANGRY. She of course didn't agree with me and was very defensive, made up lies to show what a good mother she had been, said how this was NOT her fault, her son was at his dad's, blah, blah, blah. A good mother does not leave her son. A good mother does not take her son and return him to a filthy, disgusting house where she KNOWS he is being mistreated and unsupervised and is not getting medical treatments for an observable infection on his foot and to top it all off, he is a diabetic for crying out loud and they did not take him in for check ups!!!!! After he was in foster care, I told them he was a diabetic and needed to be checked out and guess what??? His blood sugars were high and he was back on insulin.

    She screamed hateful, hurtful things at me. I reduced myself to that same level and actually screamed at her. I don't usually scream at people! That's when I knew I had to leave. She told me that it is a good thing she was so strong, because someone weaker than her hearing what I had said would kill themselves! OMG! I did not respond. I told her it was over and that this obviously was not going anywhere and that I was leaving.

    I went to my car and got in, putting on my sunglasses, starting the car and she runs and stands in front of my car and says/DEMANDS ............................... Roll down your window and talk to me or you can run over me! She is exhibiting HUGE RED FLAGS for BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER! Obviously, I would not run her over, nor do I want to be manipulated by her. I rolled down my window and told her not to do that again. She begins the garbage again, I slipped up and responded and we end up in a screaming match again! At this point, she had moved and I drove off. I did tell her it was over between us and for her to not contact me again.

    I am about 3 miles down the road and she calls my cell phone. Like an idiot, I pick it up. She is crying and wants to know where I am. I said I AM GOING HOME! She says to me, (my daughter, that is) I didn't ask you that, I asked you where you were! What NERVE! I repeated I AM GOING HOME! She cried and begged me to go back to her. I said NO! Then she upped the anti more and said things trying to hurt me. She then said in a mocking voice.... you can't even take care of TWO children! YOU are the reason MY son is in foster care!!!! UNFREAKING BELIEVABLE! Again, I screamed, NO, YOU PUT HIM THERE! DON"T EVER CALL ME AGAIN. And she hasn't.

    I cried on my drive home, hard. Cried for what should have been, cried for what was, and cried for what is going to happen. I know it's out of my hands and I know it's better for those children to not be with sick people like his bio parents. I love my daughter and told her so. But, I so very much HATE what she has done to herself, her family, and most importantly, her innocent son.

    It is out of my hands. I have to put this in it's place again.I have been in this "place" many times before, but not with as much at stake. I have to accept what I have control over and what I don't. I have never had control as much as I tried, over my difficult child or her actions. We have just always had to roll with the ramifications of life with a difficult child. This time it is so very difficult to "put my grandson in his place". We will never see him again. :not_fair::sad::sorry::loveforever::9-07tears:
  2. Matty's Mummy

    Matty's Mummy Member

    Oh Mum_to_3
    You sound like you need a big {{{Hug}}} I wish I could give you one.
    It’s so hard when we have to make the decisions we know, in our hearts are best, when it hurts so much. When it’s in the best interest for the children… then you would think it shouldn’t’ have to hurt so badly.
    I think you are very brave to make that decision, to know when you would be in over your head with your grandson and to do what you feel is best for him takes courage.
    I think you are an amazing person, to do what you know is best even though it hursts so badly.
    I’m sure in time things will work out between you and your difficult child child. Hopefully when it happens you have had some much need rest and have recharged your batteries.
    At least the little boy is with his sister and that will help if he’s feeling so angry from being away from his mum.
    It’s sounds like a very difficult situation.
    Will be thinking of you more {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I think you SOOOOOO made the correct decision not to take both kids. Your grandson sounds like he needs high energy care and good for you for recognizing that need. Even if the judge decided to split them I bet you would have received little respite.
    I think you need respite from your difficult child. She obviously was not ready to hear any truth about her situation with her child, so it was bound to go the way it did. If the situation with the kids could shake up the parents to clean up their act so be it. I have little sympathy for parents who don't take care of their children, providing at least the bare necessities and a modicum of cleanliness.
    I would move away from your difficult child and try to see if you can visit your grandson while he is in foster care. Good luck as you move forward, I would guess when difficult child calms down you will be hearing from her.
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I agree, you sound like you need a big hug.
    I am rushing this morning and have to admit that I couldn't finish reading everything and will try to go back and finish.
    But I do believe that it is always best to make decisions based on what your energy level will allow and what you know in your gut is best. However, these things are often difficult. in my humble opinion, it rarely, if ever is a good thing to "reduce ourselves" to their level. "Controlled" venting might be better done here or at a therapist's office. However, don't give it a momen'Tourette's Syndrome concern...because my guess is that you are a human being a not from mars. Nurture yourself and move forward with the knowledge that you have made a good choice. Wishing you well.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    What a horribly painful decision to have to make. But very wise of you to to have thought out the possibility beforehand. And while I realize that the judge had the best interest of the children at heart when he didn't want to seperate them, I think it was wrong of him to put you on the spot like that.

    As for your confronting difficult child with a huge dose of reality, in my opinion was justified, and was a long time coming. I'll be praying this is the wake up call difficult child needs. And I'll be praying for your shattered Mommy heart.

  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sorry you didn't get your grandson but I do think you made the right decision. It is hard enough to take care of one damaged child but two is even more so, especially if your emotionally invested in one child but not the other.

    I don't know if it was the right decision by the judge, however. I understand trying to keep siblings together but that's not always possible. My daughter had 3 half-brothers. Two of the boys were given to the bio-grandmother. The eldest has severe Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) and is in permanent state care -- mainly group homes. It was actually determined that my daughter could not be placed with the boys -- it was too volatile of a situation for everyone. Don't be surprised if sometime in the future CPS calls you and asks you to take your grandson. Of course, by then, he will probably have abused his little sister both physically and sexually. Too much of his history and behavior sounds so much like what went on with my daughter and her brothers. Such a sad state of affairs. You may actually want to let CPS know that if they determine the kids need to be separated you would still want your grandson provided that neither your daughter nor the boy's father is allowed contact.

    As to the scene with your daughter, I would have been surprised had it gone any other way. You said what you had to say. There was no way she was going to be able to accept it. I'm sorry she managed to get you engaged. Our kids so dang good at that!

    Many hugs. Just remember that you did the best thing for all concerned.
  7. chrisdog01

    chrisdog01 New Member

    Just want to send (((((hugs))))) to you. I'm sorry this was so awful for you.
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry.. I completely understand your decision .. heartbreaking as it is. Your daughter's behavior.. I've been there with Oldest, it's hard to take.

    Hugs from this corner, too. Bless you.
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You did the right thing. Taking on another child when the one will stretch your capacities does no one any good. I understand keeping children together, but in this case, I'm not sure I agree...but is not for me to decide.

    Time may come that they can't keep them together, perhaps you will be reconsidered then.

    Sending many hugs. Life with difficult child's stinks in so many rotten ways.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. How are your eyes? Are you recovering ok?

    It does not surprise me that the judge didn't separate the children. I think his hands were tied as it is probably the directive he was given by the state.

    I'm glad that you stood your ground as far as not taking both children. You're not a young woman, and you have walked this path before. You know how hard it is.

    You have to start taking care of yourself now. There may come a time that your grandson isn't being used like a political football in a family drama, and you will be ready to help him. But in my mind, what I see is you being set up for failure by your daughter. She's poisonous to you now just as she is poisonous to those children.

    The way I see it, the only hope for that little boy is to get her out of the picture. You are right to step back from her. It sounds like the CPS woman thinking you wanted money rather than help is more like someone put a nasty bug in her ear. I hope that you will find a way to mend your fences with this agency.

    I agree that if you want to keep you and your grandson safe it is time to walk away from your daughter. If you have the money and the opportunity, I hope that you will see an attorney as to how to keep contact with your grandson without becoming or being a victim to your daughter's manipulations of the courts and CPS.

    Please take care of yourself and get better. You need to be strong and healthy in order to make the right decision for you and your family.
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It's a heartbreaking situation all around. I'm so sorry.

  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    What a horrible position to be placed in. Sorry your daughter can't step up to the plate.

    As far as seeing your grandson again, I would contact the attorney and ask for grandparent rights. You HAVE that right.

    Hope your eyes are doing better...and major hugs to you. DON'T answer your phone.

  13. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I won't be answering my phone, at least if it is difficult child!

    I have to tell you that in Texas there are NO grandparent rights. We talked to an attorney last year. So that is out.

    When we were in court, I specifically asked the judge for visitation with our grandson and he said that I would have to "share" time with my difficult child when she got her visitation. That would have worked if I had not shared my honest feelings and thoughts with my difficult child. It won't work now though.

    I have considered writing the judge, but do I REALLY want to open more cans of worms and add more fuel to the fire? I don't think I should. That would actually give my difficult child more reason to hate me. If I just step back and keep quiet, they will either lose their parental rights on their own merits or lack there of or they will get their children back on their own doings in which case, we still wouldn't get to see him because of my "honesty".

    There is supposed to be a family meeting for anyone that has interest in the welfare of both children and the bio parents,to sit around with a facilitator and discuss what positive steps need to be accomplished by the bio parents. This will become part of the their case plan. I was previously welcomed, before I was "honest". I doubt that I still am. That doesn't mean that I still couldn't attend, but now I don't know if I should.

    My point in ALL of this is not and has not been to create problems for anyone. I don't need to take revenge, I am not that kind of a person. My difficult child and her sons father, "know not what they have done". They truly don't. My interest has been the wellbeing of our grandson.

    I would LOVE to see him, I would LOVE to be a part of his life FOREVER, but I am afraid that I have done all that I could and that I just HAVE to have confidence that CPS will make fair, safe and healthy choices for him. I actually cringed writing that, because I know it's not necessarily true. They are too big of a bureaucracy to get things right. I have witnessed and experienced it myself. This is the part that kills me the most! He loves my whole family so much and has done so very well when he is here. He is a different child, still honery and hyper and still doesn't sleep, but we don't have all the problems with him that everyone else does. He certainly doesn't poop and pee everywhere. My little grandson just looks into my eyes with so much love and happiness when he wraps those long, skinny arms around my neck to kiss my cheek. I love that little guy!

    I will always keep my eyes and ears open and I'll keep talking to people and I'll keep my "thinking cap" on. You never know what could happen.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I am on my way out the door, but I wanted to read your post. Writing the judge would not be a good thing to do. A judge is only legally able to take information regarding a case in court when both parties have the opportunity to respond. That's why they always schedule hearings.

    When one party or interested party contacts the judge, that is called "ex parte" (one person) contact, and it is against their sworn oath to participate in ex parte contact. At best, the judge will ignore the fact that the letter came. He/She won't read your letter under any circumstances. They will know that it came, and are just as likely to be angry that you wrote it and potentially put them in a compromising position.

    I hope that you will go to the family planning session. Stand your ground for what you believe is right. Maybe you could arrange visits some other way or through some other person.
  15. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Go to the family meeting - it is set up for the welfare of your grandchild and you have input that will only be heard at that meeting. Go into the meeting with a professional outlook - do not let difficult child engage you in anything that will make you react. You can feel anger, just keep it under control. If difficult child starts something that is not beneficial to the meeting, say, "Excuse me, but we are here to discuss your child's well being, I refuse to argue with you. I am here to give my input." The facilitator will keep it from getting too ugly. Remember, difficult child's behaviour at the meeting will also be documented if out of line.

    If you do not go to the meeting, it will go in grandson's record that you did not show interest. If you don't go, you may be keeping the courts from seeing your difficult child's true side.

    I understand keeping siblings together, however, how many half siblings do get to stay together in the real world? Many half siblings live in seperate addresses. Part of grandson's
    anger could be the attention taken from him and given to the baby. He may feel that some of the neglect he experienced was because she needed attention? If the kids are not bonded, then there is no harm to seperate them. I would really look at their relationship before making the decision of seperating or not. Does he take his anger out on her? If so, they need to be seperated. His behavior can not be healthy for her.

    What a hard hard decision you had to make. Close to impossible but you did the right thing. You looked at the needs of both kids, not just your grandchild. The courts need to start looking at both kids as individuals, not a set.

    If you are a writer - start writing a list of what you want to bring up at the meeting. Having something in writing will help.

    difficult child is continuing to try to get you to solve all her problems -if you make sure things go the way she wants (even though that is not your reasons), then she still has control over the situation and will not change her ways. If her son ends up with someone else, she will need to deal with someone who she can not touch emotionally. That will make her learn to deal with things differently - just hope it means that she starts taking responsibility. So, I hope you get your grandchild for your sake but for difficult child's sake it may be o.k. if he is in foster care. Then I hope it is a foster care that will allow you visitations.

    Just can't see the answer to help everyone! It all comes down to which answer will allow you to continue to have an active part in your grandson's life.

    Go to the meeting!
  16. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm so sorry you are in this position. It breaks my heart. You might consider writing a letter to CPS instead of the judge.

    Breaks my heart to hear what these poor kids are going through because of adult stupidity and selfishness. I hope CPS is able to find a secure home for the kids.

  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending lots of gentle hugs and support. I agree you should go to the meeting regardless of the falling out with your difficult child - it will show on record that you were present and that's more important. Hugs and peace~
  18. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Oh wow, this sounds so terribly hurtful....... I am so so so so sorry you are having to go through this.. just want to add my support and hugs to the rest of the groups...
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Mom-to-3, {{HUGS}}. You made two good decisions. One, to not take both kids. Two, to cut off ties with-your difficult child. It is NOT your fault that things are the way they are. They are HER fault and hers alone.
    You have gone the extra mile for her time and again. Period.
    I know you are hurting now. Please, try to be strong.
    You did the right thing. Your difficult child has got to grow up.
    I wish I had a magic wand. It's out of your hands.
    You're a great person.