I Detached...All at Once

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by GoingNorth, May 5, 2015.

  1. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Earlier this afternoon I was on Facebook and saw a status update from my sister who had been, with her boyfriend down in FL attending the wedding of her BFF's daughter.

    The update announced to all and sundry, that she and her boyfriend had become engaged, with the date set in August and the event to take place at boyfriend's house.

    While I'm of mixed feelings about the whole thing for a lot of reasons, I do believe they are in love, or at least think they are in their own dysfunctional way, and I wish them the very best.

    While I am still chewing this new development over, I get a frantic PM from sister telling me NOT to tell our mother, because she hasn't told her yet.

    What?!? She announces her engagement to all and sundry on Facebook BEFORE telling her own mother, with whom she is very close?

    I called her on it. Her response? "I'm a chickenbleep." She'll blow her stack." I told her to pull up her big girl panties and call mum before one of the relatives called her to offer her their congratulations and yes, she was a chickenbleep and also incredibly tacky.

    Somehow that led into a whole "You don't want me to have what you and Stu had?" You were lucky enough to be in love. I never was. Now it's my turn and you don't want me to have that!"

    Now, I never said that, or anything to lead her to believe I felt that way. I don't feel that way. Nearly 12 hours after the fact, I can't figure out where in heck THAT came from!

    And, all of sudden, just as I was taking a deep breath to protest and deny feeling that way, a sudden calm came over me and I said, "I'm sorry you think I feel that way. I don't.

    The chat went on for a good bit longer, with me repeating the above line several times.

    There were quite a few other revelations, including the fact that her new fiancé's younger brother, one of 3 "jocks" who threw me through a plate glass window my freshman year, is an end-stage alcoholic who lives with sister and her fiancé.

    He lives with fiancé and sister because fiancé feels it is his "duty" to care for his brother, which includes buying his booze. Oh, and did I mention that said brother in law to be rages occasionally?

    My response to that, "I'm sure you'll figure out a way to handle that."

    I have been ripping my (cropped) hair out for years over Ruth's life decisions, dating back to when Stu and I were first an "item" and we were rooting manic sister out of one or the other bar or party.

    I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders.

    I still love and care about little sister, but I can't take on her decisions anymore. She's a grown woman and she and only she is responsible for, and will bear the consequences of, her choices.

    I'm done digging her out of her "bars and parties".

    I hope they do love each other truly and deeply. I hope they do have what Stu and I had. And, with all my heart, I hope it doesn't end for them like it did for me and Stu. But, it's their lives, their choices.

    Now, to deal with the next phone call from my mother, and another round of detachment...because I am going to get a royal earful.
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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    There is nothing like family drama to get the adrenalin pumping.
  3. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Yeah, and I have a stinking suspicion she's gonna ask me to stand up for her at the wedding. Gawd help me if she picks out the dresses.

    If she doesn't ask me to stand up, I'm wearing a tux.
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Oh, wow. Good for you, Going.

    I'm going to remember that one.

    Talk about sudden clarity, and standing in your own space.

    Were you cut, Going?

    What an awful thing.


    It does feel like that, doesn't it.

  5. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Cedar, I was extremely lucky. I was wearing a hooded leather jacket, gloves, and jeans, and was literally running to microbiology class when I was attacked.

    My only injuries were some small and minor cuts.

    Had I not been wearing outdoor clothing I would've been badly injured.
  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Cedar, it does feel like a weight has lifted, or at least one weight has lifted.

    Unfortunately, the other shoe dropped a short while ago. I got a call from mum.

    Turns out her brother, my uncle, saw the announcement on FB and called her to offer his congratulations and to ask if a date had been set.

    So, mum found out that it had been posted on Facebook and she hadn't yet been told.

    Sister called later that evening and I gather it was a rather "rough" conversation that dragged up and awful lot of old baggage on both sides.

    The awkward part was when mum asked me why, if I'd seen the news on FB, *I* hadnt' called her. I told her I didn't know if she knew or not, but anyways, it was sister's place to make that phone call, not mine, and that I figured mum would call me as soon as she knew.

    The whole scene brought to the fore a 30 year old guilt trip that sister laid on mum, when she told mum that the reason she married a man she didn't love when pregnant, was that she didn't want mum to be mad at her for having kids out of wedlock.

    At that point, mum apparently finally re-grew a pair of what the doctors removed 20 years ago, and blew her stack, refusing to be blamed any further for sister's decisions.

    I let mum vent for a bit, let her cry for a bit, and told her gently that there was nothing I could do or say to make her feel any better. That SHE was the only person who could make herself feel better...that it had to come from inside, and that at nearly 81 years of age, it was time she started living for herself!

    (Gah! I am absolutely exhausted...and saddened...and starting to wonder if sister isn't a bit Borderline along with the BiPolar (BP). She's certainly been gaslighting mum for years and years.
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I love the part about her asking you not to tell your mother but it was ok for her to announce on FB??? WOW!!

    I can understand why you feel like a weight has been lifted.

    Even when it's family I still think this saying fits. "Not my circus, not my monkeys"
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This crazy stuff is what makes me questions if most families are worth the trouble. Drama-plus...lol.

    Good for you for sticking up for your integrity. That is huge. You are so much more evolved than I was at your age (I am assuming you're lots younger than me). I did try to fight the status quo when I felt it was wrong, but, in the end, I was kissing major butt to try to make people like me. Don't ever do that. Doesn't sound like you ever will ;)

    Hug your beautiful furbabies for Auntie Somewhere and know you did it right.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You did amazing.

    Those are the hardest words. To admit we are helpless in the face of someone else's pain ~ or our own ~ those are the hardest words.

  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    SWOT. No, I'm not a lot younger than you are. I'll be 55 in July, in fact.

    Maybe I've got a case of arrested development or something.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm the same way...
    Too bad that doesn't apply to the external evidence of age as well :D
  12. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Oh, I look and physically feel every bit of my nearly 55 years, but mentally? I'm mostly stuck in my 30s, I think.

    I mean, I'm a grown-up and all of that, but...