I did the impossible; I threw my son out of the house.

[MichelleC]

First let me say I'm new here. Looking for people who are in or have been in a similar situation that can provide guidance.

My son is 20 (21 in 2 months) is high functioning Asperger's with chronic headaches from a brain surgery 2 years ago to remove an AVM. With much resistance from me and his step-dad he dropped out of school as soon as he turned 18 - 3 months before graduation. Because of his disabilities he does receive SSI Disability & had been paying rent. However, we wanted him to get his GED and attempt work. After months of not looking for a job I heard of a job fair and took him - he was hired and has been working (or so I thought) part time.

There is a ton of history I'm leaving out (hitting me, punching holes in walls, lies, ect.). Also his father is a compulsive liar & master at playing the guilt card to deflect responsibility.

Recently I realized he was a compulsive liar and had no regard for how other people felt. I spoke with a therapist - what do I do if my son has a antisocial disorder. The therapist suggested rules of the house. So we did that. He broke the rules, again.

On Wednesday of this week I learned that he was not going to work (he was pretending to go but had no job). He claims to have failed his GED test.

As a condition of living in the house he was paying rent. He told me that he cannot pay the full rent this month because he purchased Christmas gifts for everyone. I complained and then he told me he could give $50 more to the rent. Later he started yelling at me that I was stressing him out. I was alone in the house (by this time he was at a friends) and I started thinking about the lies, the disrespect, the deflection of responsibility, making me feel guilty when I hadn't done anything, causing me years of undo stress. I had enough. I went to his room and packed all this clean cloths & medications and took them to him at his friends. I told him that he had no right to make me feel this way, no right to make me the bad person, he had no idea what true stress was. I told him that he could come home but only after he truly appreciates what I do for him and shows me the respect I deserve.

I got back to my car and cried like never before.

I've asked my husband to change the combination on the door.

I love my son.

I recognize that my son is not mentally mature to take on the world yet. He may be 20 years old but intellectually he is 14. What he doesn't recognize is I'm trying to help him. but I cannot keep hurting myself, my husband or my other son because he refuses to accept my guidance all the while lying and being disrespectful.

Michelle

 

[recoveringenabler]

MichelleC, I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation with your son. I am glad you found us, we are a group of parents who really do know how you feel.

I think a very important part of learning how to detach from our adult children is getting support for US. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. There is an organization called NAMI which is the National Alliance on Mental illness.............they can be accessed online and have chapters everywhere, they have excellent programs and courses for parents which teach us the tools and guide us to learn how to deal effectively with our kids. In the absence of that, or in addition to that, professional help like a therapist or a parent group, someplace which can offer you support and comfort as you go through this process. This is a difficult process for parents and has many pitfalls which can be more readily avoided with support.

It sounds as if you are doing a good job with boundaries. That is an important step. Along with boundaries there have to be clearly stated and impenetrable consequences to behavior. Hitting you is a serious issue which should not be tolerated.

I understand how difficult it is to remove our kids from our home and for many of us, that becomes the only alternative. If your son does want to try again and you want to give him another chance then it may be prudent to write a contract which clearly states your requirements and rules and what the consequences are. If he has already crossed the line and you are resolved to keep him away, then perhaps getting yourself support to tow the line is the most appropriate next step.

This is a tough road for parents and all of us have broken down from the choices that our kids make, it is not what we envisioned for them and their behavior takes an enormous toll on us and on our families. It sounds as if you made a healthy choice. Keep posting it does help. If you feel ready it helps us if you can write a bio and signature so we can recognize you. You do that by going up to the right hand corner here, click on settings, scroll down on the left and find bio/signature and write one.

*Stay the course. Wishing you peace......

 

[scent of cedar]

Welcome :O)

You are doing the right thing, Michelle. And it isn't writ in stone. Your son may come to his senses quickly, now that you have acted. Scott G wrote a response on the detachment thread about taking back our power. About how right and how necessary it is to do that ~ both for our own sakes, and for the sake of the troubled child. husband and I were talking last night about how to survive these times without experiencing that second-guessing, that anxiety, those sleepless nights. I think it has to do with envisioning ourselves responding clearly and calmly, and with really understanding that we are acting correctly.

husband and I also get it that when a child is acting up, whatever solution we choose is not going to feel right. Like husband and I, you probably never envisioned that your child's adolescence and young adulthood would unfold as they have. We are flying blind, trying the best we know to put things right again...but there are some kids who just don't respond well. We cannot blame or fault ourselves for the child's response. After the child passes a certain age, we no longer have control over how they think, what they do, how they respond.

All we can do is the best we know, Michelle.

I think you are doing that.

I am glad you posted. It helps so much not to be alone with it.

Cedar

 

[pasajes4]

We deserve to live a life free of fear and abuse as much as our children do.

 

[helpangel]

Welcome Michelle glad you found us but sorry you needed to. You are not alone many of us are similar situations with our adult children.

I've lost count of how many times I told Angel's mental health case manager that I wanted her out; to look for assisted living, group home etc. Problem is she isn't high functioning enough for assisted living and too volatile to last more then a couple hours in a group home.

Also because she is listed on the lease I can't just kick her out but the landlord (not me) would have to go 90 day eviction thru the courts. Her SSI paid her rent 1st of the month so I'm legally obligated to allow her access to the shelter she paid for.

I understand completely why you did it, I'm just saying tread very carefully because you might be on thin ice from a legal standpoint. Off the record GOOD FOR YOU!!! WOOHOO you ROCK!

Nancy

 

[MichelleC]

Thank you for your support. It has been great comfort knowing I'm not the only one in this type of situation.

My son isn't on a lease - it was a condition of living here while not going to school. This morning I sent him a email suggesting he contact SSI and Social Service to update them on his situation.

My husband has wanted him out for years. Now that I finally took action my husband is worried about me and is considering compromising with my son. But I told him no, no compromise. If he comes home it is under my terms.

 

[MichelleC]

yes we do.

 

[MichelleC]

Thank you for the suggested readings and support. I'm sure I will be doing a lot of reading and searching for answers.

I know that I was right to do what I did - it was overdue. But it doesn't make it easy. Will my son ever see or understand why I did what I did or will he continue to blame others?

I can see the person he could be if he would get out of his own way. I can see the future he would have if he would pick option A instead of option stupid. That pains me more than anything. I've never been a helicopter parent (working at a college you learn what not to do immediately). I've always listened and given my boys my suggestions of what they should do and how. Then sat back and let them make their own decision (unless it was harmful to themselves or others). For some reason, my son makes the wrong decision every time then when things go sour he blames someone else.

The stress and anxiety of my son finally was too much. His lies and disrespect broke my heart.

Today I emailed him and told him that I love him even if he doesn't believe it. I included a list of suggested contacts - social services and SSI. I wished him luck and told him that I will always love him. He can return home once he learns to accept responsibility for his own actions.

I will keep posting as things progress.
MichelleC

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good for you Michelle, you are doing what most of us here ultimately do too. It is very hard, but with support you can find your way through. You seem to have reached that point that we all reach when he/she has crossed a line you cannot condone and you reach the end point. If our kids are ever going to change, it is almost always after we stop enabling them. Your son may wake up or he may not, that is still an unanswered question and may remain so for a long time. But in the meantime, you have a life to lead and another child and a husband to consider. To me it sounds as if you are doing all the right things. And, I do know how hard that is, I can empathize with you, as most of us here can. Hang in there and keep posting, it really does help to say our story to those who truly get it. (((HUGS))))

 

[trinityroyal]

Hello Michelle, and welcome. No, you're definitely not alone.

The "witching hour" is about to hit with my Monster Tot twins, so I don't have a lot of time, but I just wanted to say this.

I too have an adult son with Aspergers. After some major explosive episodes with my difficult child (resulting in a year's worth of house arrest for him, and a near-psychological breakdown for me), I put my foot down with my darling husband and said that I will never live under the same roof as my difficult child again. If he has to live here for some reason, then the younger Monsters and I will go elsewhere for the duration.

My sanity, my marriage, and the physical and mental health of my husband and other children have all benefited tremendously from that decision.

You need to do what's right for you and your family. So often we get caught up dealing with all the drama of our troubled child that we lose sight of everything and everyone else. It sounds like you have not fallen into that trap. It's wonderful that you're clear-eyed about the situation.

Many gentle hugs. You've found a wonderful, supportive group.
Trinity

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi and welcome, Michelle.
I think what you're doing is probably the most difficult thing any parent can possibly do, even though it's the right thing. More power to you. We're here for your support.