I didn't know that sadness, grief

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Aug 4, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    could cause such a physical reaction. Sometimes I struggle to catch my breath others I feel my heart will literally break in two.

    Since ktbug has entered Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I've actually had time to be sad, to be angry, to rant at my God. I hate, absolutely hate that I no longer have my husband by my side. I miss him tremendously & the more I wander about my home alone the more it hurts.

    I'm trying, really trying to get thru this.... I'm actually so angry that I'm blaming the tweedles for the stress & husband dying, when I know it's a very illogical & irrational reaction.

    I cannot talk or visit them until I get this under control or I will say something I will truly regret.

    There are too many "if I had only" or "if husband had come to me or gone to the doctor" & many other things haunting me. Again illogical, likely pretty normal.

    I miss husband tonight. I hate living alone.

    Thanks for listening - just needed to talk.
  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Oh, Linda. If I could reach out and give you a LONG hug I would. Sometimes that is all a person needs.

    Have you thought at all about volunteering some place? I know for me it takes me out of that ugly spot when you give back to others. Sometimes you think you have nothing to offer in life then...BOOM. Someone needs you and is glad for that hug.

    Nights are the worst, hence why I don't sleep.

    Major hugs, hon. You've got a full plate and a couple thousand friends rooting for you.

  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    first of all, having all those thoughts and feelings is not wrong.

    What would be wrong is acting upon those feelings by saying or doing something that is emotion based.

    You know, deep down inside, that nothing, I mean nothing, could have helped your husband in his illness. That was how he dealt with the stress in his life at the end. He closed himself off to you and his children. You remained tuned in and involved with your children and your remained involved and tuned in since their father passed.

    What'a, should'a, could'a is not connstructive. YOU could not have changed the path. He could have, but did not have the strength or the will. I'm not dissing him here, but just being real. You have been the rock and the strength for those children from the very beginning.

    Look around at your beautiful home, enjoy the birds out back, express your emotions through the piano and the paintings. You know there are constructive ways to deal with your feelings. You've done it in the past, you will do it now.

    Lots of hugs coming your way from Virginia.

    Stay strong.

  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain. I think what you are experiencing is normal but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm glad you have some time now to grieve, remember we are here so feel free to post often. I wish there was a way I could really help out, where is that magic wand when I need it? Continued prayers and gentle hugs.:angel2:
  5. Linda,

    I'm sending hugs your way. We're always hear to listen and witness.

    Take care,

  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    My heart just aches for you. I'm so sorry.

    Didn't you join a grief group or Alanon or something a while back? I may be confusing this with someone else and if I am I apologize. If so, is there someone you can call from there to talk with or help walk you through some of it? If not, perhaps you should look into trying it out.

    Like the others have said, what you are going through is normal. It's good that you are finally going through it, especially now that the tweedles are somewhere safe, where you don't have to worry about them and you can let all the emotions fly. I know saying all this doesn't make it any easier, but it's a healing process that you have to go through.

    We are here for you. We are all wrapping our arms around you.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hugs Linda. I know it must hurt so. I can't imagine how I would feel if husband was gone---and if he had not sought help during his last binge, he would be. My preacher sister told me one time that it's okay to be angry at the creator----he can take it---and he kind of already knows you're mad. And I know that you know that kt and wm did mot make husband sick...he had choices to make...and unfortunately he made the wrong ones. You are in my thoughts and prayers this morning. I think that your trip through the stages of grief has been a long time coming...you will get through this.
  8. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Linda...I hope you're doing better this morning. Please check in.

  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Linda, I wrote this earlier but my easy child locked up and deleted it!

    Please be sure to allow yourself to "feel" your feelings. So often life requires us warrior moms to bottle it up and dismiss it because we have to "make things better" for everyone else.

    Break old plates, throw a tantrum, yell at pictures and help yourself get some of it out of your system. Be angry at husband, the tweedles and their birth mother. You need to have a good old-fashioned hissy-fit.

    Then allow yourself to look at pictures and reminisce. Just remember to keep in mind that you have to look at the good times and the bad times. Life is both. The road we travel is full of bumps and smooth tarmac but none are un-passable. They define who we are and who we become.

    Then, sit out in the yard and accept some peace. Envelop yourself in the grand scheme of things. I so remember you speaking on here about different birds and animals in your yard. Embrace the simplicity of life.

    We love you and so many of us are inspired by you and YOUR road. I hope you're feeling better soon,

  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Kt being gone will allow you to heal. This is a painful process, but it needs to happen so you can move forward. Everything you mention is very normal and typical, and, unfortunately, extremely painful and long overdue.

    Many, many hugs for your hurting heart. Time does make things better; unfortunately, time...takes time.

    Saying a prayer for your peace.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Are you still seeing a therapist for yourself, Linda? I hope so. There are so many complex and painful feelings that have accumulated with the traumas over the years in your life that it's logical there would be spill over now. As others have said, I think you need to go with the anger etc. and not try to stifle or cope.

    Weren't you going to visit your family for awhile? It seems like during this transitionary period it would be good for you to spend time with the adults who love you most. Hugs. DDD
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    HUGS. I hope you can feel all of these arms wrapped around you right now or handing you things to throw.

    I can't imagine the pain either and I wish you didn't have to go through all of these emotions. But you are and that's a good thing. It means you've finally got the time to get yourself through this godawful process instead of "staying strong" for the tweedles. You can now let go for yourself, process it all, find a way to deal with it eventually and get beyond it.

    You know all of this of course but I know that knowledge probably doesn't help your heart.

    Rant, rail, yell, scream, cry....either out loud or here or both for that matter. We're here for you and you can say anything to us you want. We won't care, we won't get upset and we won't judge. We understand as best we can and we're ALWAYS here for you.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((Hugs))) Take the time you need to grieve, just get through one day at a time and one day you will wake up and it will hurt a little less.

    We are all here if you need us.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    What......do YOU need right now? :confused:

    What.......if anything, can I do to help you?? :D Say the word.

    If you don't know what you need - what do you THINK you need? When I get upset and flustered and angry I tend to over-complicate my emotions and have trouble sorting out what I am really feeling and who I am really feeling things about. This is why it made it so hard for me when people would reach out and say how can I help you. I had no idea what to tell them. Other than just LEAVE ME ALONE I will figure this out. - Which wasn't really healthy or helpful. Sure, there's a time for sorting things out ourselves - that's pretty natural - but....there's also a time for leaning on others and letting them help us along through difficult things.

    Just know - WE ARE HERE....even if we aren't THERE.
    AND.....I am only a phone call away should you desire to hear some of the worlds worse stories.

    Hugs & Love
  15. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    ((((HUGS)))) So sorry your heart is broken. If you are doing a lot of deep sighs, it is because you actually are forgetting to breathe. I do believe you are right, now that you are alone, grief is coming and hitting you hard.

    I do believe that the grief we experience does affect us physically. On the eve of Alex's one year anniversary of his death, I was in the ER with an anaphylactic reaction to shellfish. I was never allergic to shellfish before. At times, I do feel that the grief I went through, caused that reaction in my body, guess I will never know for sure.

    Of course the what ifs are normal. I think it is our minds way of trying to fix it.

    Be gentle on yourself, give yourself a chance to truly grieve. Stay in bed for a couple of days if it helps.

    I agree with your decision of holding off on seeing the kids till you are ready.

    My heart is with you.

  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Linda, another one chiming in to say Hugs. I wont tell you I know how you feel because I dont. I can imagine you are in a world of pain and anguish right now. From what I know about the stages of grief, I think this is pretty normal.

    When I met you, I felt like you were such a such a warm, kind and extremely funny woman. I loved your dry sense of humor! I wish we lived closer because I would love to get to know you in a real life situation. I can just see us bouncing around with our walkers or scooters...lol.

    I dont know what to tell you to get through this. I think you have to just go through it with time. I hope you have some people in your life that you can call on to listen when you need them. I will forever be glad I got to know you in real life. It really enriched my life.
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am reading "The Year Of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion
    She goes through a lot of what you are going through and writes so beautifully about how after the loss of her husband every thought is a what if and if only.
    She has so many moments of feeling like she is going mad and possibly is.
    It takes her a year to slowly climb out of her numbness and all of the pain that comes with losing her husband after being together for so long.

    If you have not read this, I think it is a painful book to read yet an honest and inspiring read.
    She describes exactly how you are feeling.

    I am so sorry and wish I could take away you pain.
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many, many soft hugs. I wish I could make things all better for you.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm sorry you are feelign so down and lonely. What everywoman said is so true. It's ok to be angry and have those feelings, even anger at husband for not getting help and making choices that put his life in danger. I have found that when I express those feelings it takes a lot of the punch out of it and I feel better.

    You are lonely, there is no doubt about that. But I have found you to be a very strong and caring person and you have many interests that will help fill the void in the years to come. Your grieving will take time. We care about you and I understand you so much better after having met you. You truly are a warrior Mom.

  20. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    This year is quite the journey. The trip to Cleveland & meeting/seeing you all gave me a break I sorely needed.

    The head knows these feelings are "normal"; the heart doesn't want to acknowledge or accept many of the choices husband made - the demons he just could no longer fight. I am not ready to say out loud the demons/addiction that husband choose not to fight. I can't believe he didn't know he was ill & didn't do something about it.

    The tweedles will always be the tweedles. I choose to no longer ride their roller coaster life. Detach, detach, detach....

    Lia, thank you for sharing what you have gone thru over the past year - it will help.
    Thank you all for listening ... you'll likely hear from me again. I have never felt so isolated in my life.