I don't believe I've ever been so angry with

[timer lady]

my son as I was yesterday!

husband makes plans to visit wm every Sunday. Rain or shine, husband always has some kind of one on one activity with wm.

wm called Saturday to make sure husband was coming to see him. husband & wm made plans to go kite flying. husband had picked up a really cool box kite to put together & they were going to walk out to the park on a bluff & fly it. It was a beautiful day for it yesteday. husband & wm must have talked on Saturday 3 or 4 times about the kite & the outing (which included an ice cream Sunday afterward).

wm called just as husband was about to leave & told him not to come. He was going to a movie with his foster brothers & didn't want to go kite flying. husband was extremely disappointed but told wm it was his choice. wm wanted husband to come after the movie - too late in the afternoon wm chose the movie "bye dad".

Well, as you guessed, wm called at 5 (in the midst of our making dinner) & wanted husband to come & take him kite flying. I picked up the phone & told the boy off. I don't believe in the 7 years that wm has been a part of our family I have ever been so angry.

I told him that he blew it - he chose a movie over family. I didn't want to hear anymore that the only important thing he wants is to see family & maybe, just maybe come home. I didn't believe it. Unless you are ill, you don't beg off on your father.

wm couldn't get a word in edgewise - I told him I loved him & hung up.

wm called back crying - husband picked up the line. I don't know what was discussed. husband told me later that wm asked if I still loved him. husband reassured him but let wm know that I was very angry & disappointed in his choices. husband told wm that we make plans every weekend to visit (husband especially since I've been ill) but that I help husband plan the activities & look forward to hearing about afterward.

I'll call wm later this week. I expect he'll have forgotten all about it as he lives life in the moment.

I'm beyond tired of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), PTSD & issues of abuse & neglect. It has so splintered our little family. We work so hard to be a family of different addresses. We work hard to include wm each week with phone calls & visits on the weekend. I send letters with articles that I know he likes from Scientific American & other science, astrology & fossils to go along.

I sure wish I could live life in the moment like my son. How cool would that be?

Thanks for "listening".

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs))) Linda

I'm so sorry wm begged off. More or less a typical teen stunt at his age, but when you don't get to see your son every day it really stinks.

 

[Nomad]

ya know..I don't know the technicalities here, but I think you made good points. I also suspect that sometimes we let diagnosis's get in the way of either holding folks accountable for their choices or at the very least, letting them know that their choices have repercussions.

 

[Penta]

I can imagine how disappointed you and husband are with wm's choices. I'm glad you told him so. Just want you to know that wm's choices are very typical teen....peers over family.

I hope you all can heal this week.

 

[dreamer]

very typical teen. Maybe wm was under heavy peer pressure- and he does live every day with those foster boys, right? They are also "family" to him, if they live with him every day. They might possibly be relentless to him if he chose not to go with them. I am gonna guess it could have been a difficult situation for wm. I could see in his eyes it might have been a no win situation.
I remember when I saw my dad only on sundays----and once in awhile something would come up- and my dad was not flexible when HE wanted to see me, and I lost many chances to have time with other people in my life. My "friends" sure let me know as did my step siblings, that I was not available dureing "half" a weekend, becuz I had to spend that time with "daddy"

Was there any way husband and wm could have discussed options for how it went, maybe husband going with wm and the other fosters to the movie and then going to fly the kite? Maybe the foster brothers had decided for wm that kite flying was not so much fun? I think I would have left it to husband to discuss his ruined outing with wm. Let it be between father and son? Maybe wm needs more input as to what the 2 of them do when they get together?

this is a hard age you are entering with the kids- and peers do become quite important to them, as they branch out now and begin to form life long friendships.

 

[Shari]

I'm trying to write something coherent and its not working, so...

ditto Dreamer.

And hugs for your mommy heart because, typical teen or not with a typical relationship with mom or dad or not, its not fun to be left behind when they get to this stage.

 

[SRL]

Sorry for the hurt, Linda, but it does have typical teen written all over it--especially if the movie was Iron Man.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Yeah, I have to agree with everyone else.

Total typical teen.

And yes, especially if is was Iron Man.

 

[busywend]

typical teen, yes.

BUT

VERY good point about him crying the family blues all the time and then pulling something like this out of his hat. You don't get to complain about not being able to be with your family if you are going to choose something else.

No problem with him choosing something else - it is normal. But, you do have to drive home the point.

 

[dreamer]

well, in his mind, he may feel like "family" is the fosters that he lives with every day. - in which case he then did choose family. I would tread carefully.....the foster brothers might be ones who might make him miserable if he had not chosen to go to movie with them....and he would maybe feel left out if the others spoke about the movie and he could not join in conversation, say at their dinner table? Wm may have tried to choose the "lesser evil" and may have hoped his "dad" would understand the position he was in? The kite flying was not a one shot event, with no other chance to do it later..the movie may have been. Sometimes being the parent means trying to understand what the situation is for the child, and being forgiving, even if the child cannot find the words to express themself well in a given situation.
What does the foster mother say about it all?

 

[meowbunny]

It's been said. Just hugs for your hurt.

(((LINDA)))

 

[Wiped Out]

Linda,
I'm very sorry wm's choices were so hurtful. I think it's good you pointed out to him the ramifications of his choices. I can understand they are typical teen choices but he also needed to hear how that made you and husband feel. Hugs.

 

[Christy]

Sorry I would be hurt and disaapointed as well.

 

[timer lady]

I appreciate the support - the hugs. I guess if wm were more emotionally mature I'd believe this was typical teen behavior. In actuality this young man tests out around age 8 emotionally. And acts it as well.

It really doesn't matter what's behind it - I just get tired of how horribly mean & unthoughtful he can be. He's had years of therapy, interventions & yes, now out of home placements. He may consider foster family his "family" (our biggest fear) - if he can make a connection "attachment" with anyone we will be happy.

I allow my son's antics to drag me down. He thrives in any negative reaction he can get from me & I know better than this. I just wanted to be human & allow wm to know that my feelings get hurt as well. It isn't just all about him.

Again thank you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Linda, I'm late to this thread, but my first reaction was that it was good you laid into him. Sometimes an immediate, truthful reaction is best because that's real life. You said he was in tears and wanted to know if he loved you--clearly, you made an impact. It will be interesting to see how he recalls these events at some future date.
I do agree that it's possible wm is either very attached to his foster brothers or that they may have pressured him. And then, as others pointed out, there is the matter is exactly which movie it was
I hope everyone calms down and you have a good week. {{hugs}}