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I don't know how to help her
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708371" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Believe me. I am not minimizing your problems. Indeed, you have been through so much and so has your daughter. But.</p><p></p><p>I see the glass half full: she is participating in therapy, she has good friends, she is a "good kid," she is not into drugs, she has been responsive to medication (perhaps hormonal changes changed her response) she follows most important rules such as curfew.</p><p></p><p>She seems compliant and she seems responsive. These are hugely important things.</p><p></p><p>I do not know really what to tell you except what you already know, that we have to deal with what is. We cannot measure ourselves as people, as parents because our children suffer or lack capacities or qualities. I did it. I do it way less, now.</p><p></p><p>When I was immobilized by fear and guilt I was a singularly inadequate mother: defensive, angry, and unhappy. I could not support my son at all.</p><p></p><p>I try now to focus on the situation and to constructively respond, not to my role in it. If I am too ready to find how I am responsible for this or that, instead of being present my energy goes to deflect the reality that confronts me or defend myself. I have become immobilized by depression, fear and despair.</p><p></p><p>And when I became a wreck, did it change or improve anything? No. I became unavailable. I froze myself.</p><p></p><p>You are not doing that. But believing this is a personal failing on your part is subjecting yourself to unnecessary suffering and depriving you unnecessarily of feeling real pride in yourself and your child for coming through hard, hard years, not only relatively unscathed, but triumphant. Why would you want to deprive yourself of this kind of pride and satisfaction?</p><p></p><p>Are you so powerful that you can control everything, and through your suffering as if take fire, so as to protect her from what is her life? No.</p><p></p><p>You and she are better served by your self-respect, self-care and embracing of your self-worth.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is your daughter. Period. Whether she was in Harvard or Princeton or wherever, she is she, you are you. She is a separate person with a separate life path and separate attributes.</p><p></p><p>So is my own son, different from me--with his own life and life story. He has flat out told me: <em>I am not you.</em></p><p></p><p>My son has always been anxious. Actually, I could not see it, but therapists did. Now as an adult he will not drive; he has developed body dysmorphia, his anxieties about a serious illness have been displaced into the belief that he is deformed, when actually he is physically gorgeous. By having this belief, he as if turns himself into an ugly duckling. He hides under hoodys, he will not show his face; heavy beard, etc.</p><p></p><p>I can feel any which way I want about what is happening to him (and I have.) Will it change it? Not one bit.</p><p></p><p>I can attack myself. I can pressure hm. I can haul him to doctors. I can throw him out. I can not talk to him. I can talk him to death and still I cannot affect him or the course of his life. I can just deal with what is and try to do the right thing, be kind to him and to take care of myself.</p><p></p><p>You are a wonderful mother who has always been there for your child and you are with her now. Does that mean you can change her life? No. I don't think so.</p><p></p><p>You can only change some aspects of your own life. Your outlook. How you treat yourself. Considering your needs and wants. Looking for joy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708371, member: 18958"] Believe me. I am not minimizing your problems. Indeed, you have been through so much and so has your daughter. But. I see the glass half full: she is participating in therapy, she has good friends, she is a "good kid," she is not into drugs, she has been responsive to medication (perhaps hormonal changes changed her response) she follows most important rules such as curfew. She seems compliant and she seems responsive. These are hugely important things. I do not know really what to tell you except what you already know, that we have to deal with what is. We cannot measure ourselves as people, as parents because our children suffer or lack capacities or qualities. I did it. I do it way less, now. When I was immobilized by fear and guilt I was a singularly inadequate mother: defensive, angry, and unhappy. I could not support my son at all. I try now to focus on the situation and to constructively respond, not to my role in it. If I am too ready to find how I am responsible for this or that, instead of being present my energy goes to deflect the reality that confronts me or defend myself. I have become immobilized by depression, fear and despair. And when I became a wreck, did it change or improve anything? No. I became unavailable. I froze myself. You are not doing that. But believing this is a personal failing on your part is subjecting yourself to unnecessary suffering and depriving you unnecessarily of feeling real pride in yourself and your child for coming through hard, hard years, not only relatively unscathed, but triumphant. Why would you want to deprive yourself of this kind of pride and satisfaction? Are you so powerful that you can control everything, and through your suffering as if take fire, so as to protect her from what is her life? No. You and she are better served by your self-respect, self-care and embracing of your self-worth. Your daughter is your daughter. Period. Whether she was in Harvard or Princeton or wherever, she is she, you are you. She is a separate person with a separate life path and separate attributes. So is my own son, different from me--with his own life and life story. He has flat out told me: [I]I am not you.[/I] My son has always been anxious. Actually, I could not see it, but therapists did. Now as an adult he will not drive; he has developed body dysmorphia, his anxieties about a serious illness have been displaced into the belief that he is deformed, when actually he is physically gorgeous. By having this belief, he as if turns himself into an ugly duckling. He hides under hoodys, he will not show his face; heavy beard, etc. I can feel any which way I want about what is happening to him (and I have.) Will it change it? Not one bit. I can attack myself. I can pressure hm. I can haul him to doctors. I can throw him out. I can not talk to him. I can talk him to death and still I cannot affect him or the course of his life. I can just deal with what is and try to do the right thing, be kind to him and to take care of myself. You are a wonderful mother who has always been there for your child and you are with her now. Does that mean you can change her life? No. I don't think so. You can only change some aspects of your own life. Your outlook. How you treat yourself. Considering your needs and wants. Looking for joy. [/QUOTE]
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