I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ineedhelpplease, Dec 10, 2008.

  1. ineedhelpplease

    ineedhelpplease New Member

    If there is anyone...anyone at all that can help me out there? Then now is the time for it. I feel completely helpless and feel a complete and utter failure as a mother. My son is now attending a new school. I pulled him out and home schooled him for about a year after his grandmother died in a tragic accident. He was bullied and teased horribly by the children at school prior to that, but it was much worse after his grandmother died. The children thought it was funny. So, I pulled him out and home schooled him. We have moved to a different state and are now living in the country, so I figured that this would be a fresh start. He has been diagnosed with ADD, high anxiety disorder, and depression. He is a very good looking boy, but he must act a certain way to other kids to make him a target for bullying. At least that is what the schools he attended always said, because he has always been bullied. He had an IEP with his old school, but the new one has yet to implement any of it. They said they were going to retest him, but haven't. He hasn't been in his new school a month and has already served two days in school suspension (1 day for fibbing and 1 day for running around in the classroom), one day out of school suspension (for a jump rope being wrapped around another kid on the playground--something the teacher did not see and something my son swears he didn't do/I believe him-I know when he's telling a lie), silent lunches, recess detentions, and three days suspension off the bus for turning in his seat to talk to someone behind him. My son is not bringing home his homework. I have taken his dirt bike, his games, his laptop, and spanked. Nothing is working! He has always been difficult. I honestly believe that he just doesn't care! I'm at my end! I always received letters home from his old school because he was withdrawn, depressed, and never socialized. Now, I'm getting letters and phone calls that he is talking too much, not following directions, not on task, not paying attention, and running around in the classroom. The school wants a conference and I don't even know what to say to them. Yes, I believe this is the strictest school that my son has ever attended. The stuff he got in trouble for would have been recess detention for a few days at the other school he attended. This school cracks the whip and loves suspension. The harder you are on my son, the worse he is! That's one thing I know about him. What do I do? Someone, please give me some advice. I have never felt so lost. Thank you.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Welcome -

    How old is your son? What grade is he in?
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok, first- deep breath!! now, again!!

    Hi and Welcome!! You have come to the right place for support, understanding cyber-friends, and a lot of experience to share. We all understand the difficulties at school, stress and frustration you are feeling. So, let's start with some of the easier stuff...

    How old is your son? Who diagnosed him before and how long ago was that? Is he on medications or have you tried that route at all?

    Others will come along with more welcomes and maybe a few more questions. Try not to get overwhelmed. We can't diagnose here but we might offer a suggestion to try.

    The first thing I would strongly recommend, is to read the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. If it fits anybody (and most here have gotten a lot from it), I think it would help you and your son a lot.

    If you look around other threads on the board, you'll notice that sometimes we just post to "vent". So, if you feel the need to do that, go right ahead- we'll understand!
  4. ineedhelpplease

    ineedhelpplease New Member

    My son is 10 years old. I, also, meant to tell everyone in the post that when my son was in his old school, I had him tested by a cardio and a neuro. He was passing out at school and having chest pains. He was giving the all clear by the cardio. The neuro prescribed his concerta and citlophram. He seen a therapist and a phsyc. He has been weened off of the medications slowly since being home schooled. I know it sounds crazy, but he seems happier now. That's why I don't understand the disciplinary issues at school. He does have a mouth on him and knows how to use it though.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PS- We also understand that our kids have many various wonderful qualities: intelligence, talents, special personalities, etc. So, please don't be concerned that anyone here is going to judge you or your son falsely or think less of you or him. Most of us have had to deal with the blame game ourselves and had to advocate for our child to be seen as a decent kid with a disability, not someone less than equal.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You snuck that response in while I was posting my PS!

    Are you in a position where you can get complete neuropsychological testing done on him privately (outside the school system)? If so, I'd recommend that- it will be much more thorough and I'm not so sure I'd want too much weight given to teachers' responses on a bunch of forms in your situation.

    Insurance typically pays for aprt of this, but not all. Of course, that varies based on your insurance. But, it is worth it because it almost always will provide a ton of answers about what is going on with your son.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok. Ready for a buncha questions? ;) Answering these will help us help you. Sorry that there are so many!

    Has your son ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? A neuropsychologist is way different than a Neurologist. They do completely different types of testing.
    Here come my barrage of ????:
    How was his early development as far as speech, eye contact, relating well to same age peers, any obsessions, sensitivities to sound or texture or light, can he transition from one activity to another? Does he do anything odd such as make strange high pitch noises or smack his lips or flap his arms? Did he ever do this? Is he "with it" or does he sometimes seem like he is in his own world? Or is he sometimes out of it and sometimes with it? Are there any psychiatric problems on either side of his family tree? Any substance abuse?
    The first thing I would do besides buying "The Explosive Child" is schedule him for a neuropsychologist evaluation. in my opinion (and I"m just a Mom) he sounds a little more than ADHD, like something else is also going on. NeuroPsychs do very intensive testing that others don't do.
    Welcome to the board and we are here to support you.
  8. ineedhelpplease

    ineedhelpplease New Member

    He has never seen a neuropsychologist. I didn't even know there was such a thing. As far as early development, he crawled at 6 months and was walking around like he had done it all his life at 9 months. He was on target in his speech. He has a hard time making eye contact with people when they are talking to him. He likes to look to the side of the person or down. His doctors have always commented on how adult-like his speech and mannerisms are. He never went to daycare. I was home with him for the first two years of his life and then my husbands mother kept him until school started. He was a terrible bed wetter until about a year ago. He has only had 3 accidents in a year. Big time progress compared to almost nightly. My best friend states that Gregory doesn't know how to socialize with other kids and that is why he doesn't get along with others, but he got along just fine with his teammates on his baseball team. I don't know. As to psychiatric issues in the family line...My dad went to prison way before I was born for burning abandoned building down after his father died. One of my brothers is on anti-depressants, one of my nieces is on a medication cocktail for ADHD and a list of other stuff--the doctor is giving her medications for BiPolar (BP) even though he said she doesn't have it--just the only thing strong enough to control her, and my father-in-law was of a depressive nature. He was an alcoholic and drank himself to death.
    Another thing. Does anyone think that my taking care of my mother with alzheimers could be having an affect on my son? She has lived with us for almost 5 years and she is getting worse. She enrages him because she repeats herself and at times is like a child trying to get him in trouble. I've tried to explain that she is like this not of her own choosing and that he should love and treat her with respect. He does love her, but at times he sure doesn't like her.

  9. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Hi and welcome! You've found a great place to vent. I agree with- the re-evaluation by a neuropsychologist. Sounds like what you've been doing isn't quite what he needs. Of course, it doesn't help that this new school isn't on the ball either.....If it was me, I'd call an emergency IEP and get them to to the evaluation's, functional behavior analysis , and other more positive means of redirection as detentions etc clearly aren't working.

    Good luck to you.
  10. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator


    From your answers, it sounds as if your son has some red flags for an Autism Spectrum Disorder, possibly Aspergers. The trouble making eye contact, the adult-sounding speech and the difficulty socializing that your friend has observed are all clues. It would make sense for you to schedule an evaluation with a developmental pediatrician, a neuropsychologist or a multidisciplinary team at a children's or university teaching hospital. If you're not sure where to start, I suggest calling your local chapter of the Autism Society and see who is recommended in your area for a good evaluation.

    In the meantime, I'd recommend starting the IEP process in your son's new school by sending a letter certified mail requesting a "full and initial evaluation in accordance with IDEA be conducted to determine if difficult child is eligible for special education and related services."

    Good luck.
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2008
  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    What if any medications are your son on?

    You stated he has deep anxiety and suffered fainting and chest pains. Last fall, my difficult child experienced a wide variety of complaints including chest pains (he never passed out). The doctor told us that these were most likely due to the anxiety. There is a term for these fake symptoms (real to experience but not physically dangerous). My difficult child felt like he could not get enough air to breath. Fortunately our doctor also knew that it was important to rule out the dangerous stuff and didn't just chalk it up to anxiety. As difficult child went through various tests to rule out or measure symptoms, he started to relax because he was finally getting help.

    It is very important to test all his symptoms to make sure nothing serious is going on but also keep in mind that anxiety does cause a lot of symptoms. My difficult child's therapist explained it as anxiety is a bully. It does anything it can to scare your difficult child.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He has something going on with him- I don't think you taking care of your mother caused it. He seems to be trying, but struggling in some area. If interacting with your mother is frustrating that, it doesn't mean it is your or your mother's fault. Only that it might be "triggering" something he is sensitive to. Don't blame yourself. In time, you might be able to find what that "something" is and help him with it.

    I think you have a good place to start with the recommendations- 1) the book (it will help you to cope and help you to help him) 2) the iep/school 3) getting neuropsychological testing/thorough evaluation
  13. ineedhelpplease

    ineedhelpplease New Member

    First off, I would like to thank everyone that has replied to this post so far. This site shows that people really do care and that there are others out there struggling to get by, day to day, with their difficult children as well.
    I don't believe that he has autism. He converses fluidly and very intelligently about whatever is being discussed. He looks people he knows in the face/eyes when conversing. He will look people in the face/eyes when I remind him. He will laugh then follow directions at that point, though. His mannerisms have always been adult-like. He was only around adults until he started kindergarten. He came home from kindergarten very disgusted with the other kids, because he said he couldn't understand anything they said. He said it sounded like a bunch of mumbo jumbo! LOL! I guess I'm just frustrated that he is getting in to trouble for stuff that has never been an issue until this new school. I mean, he has come a long way. He hasn't acted depressed in a year or talked about killing himself. He's no longer having anxiety attacks. Yes, he still shows signs of ADD. I don't know. Maybe, the reason for his excessive talking is due to him not being depressed anymore? Now, the running around the class just doesn't make sense, but the other stuff is ADD related. I would think. I'm thinking that the best step for him is for me to go to the conference and force an evaluation. He needs an IEP. I'm hoping to keep my son off of medications. He doesn't want to be on them and really he seems fine without them. When I first had him medicated, he NEEDED them. He was off the wall. Severe tantrums, horribly depressed, cried all the time, couldn't pay attention, couldn't follow directions, pretty much couldn't function through out the day without medications. I knew he had ADD when he was 3 years old. A parent doesn't want to look at their child and see something not right, but you can't lie to yourself. You must make peace with it and seek help for your child. No doctor would look at him, until he failed kindergarten. I have 13 nieces and nephews. 2 of my nephews and one of my nieces have ADHD. My son had everything they had without the hyperactivity. His first kindergarten teacher approached me after a week and told me she believed he had ADD. I just looked at her and smiled. Finally! The school wouldn't test him that year to my disappointment. His next year of kindergarten, the new teacher approached me in 2 days about him possibly having ADD. He has been medicated since his 2nd year of kindergarten. Without his medications, he would have failed a 2nd year of kindergarten.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, I wrote this before I read your last post. Because I think it's still valid and worth thinking about, I'm going to leave it as is and you can disregard it if you feel it is not helpful.
    I'm thinking Aspergers Syndrome as a possibility. If so, that explains why he has so much trouble with other kids. He is "different" and they know it. These kids can learn to improve their social skills and other aspects of life, and I highly recommend calling a University or Children's Hospital to get a neuropsychologist evaluation. Aspergers, if he has it, is something a psychiatrist could easily miss, and it is not usually treated with medication. It is treated with interventions. My son has something like it. Here is a link about Aspegers so you can check it out. No child who is Aspergers has every symptom, but if you see some of this in him, check it out. CHeck it out anyway. Any child with that much trouble socializing, who doesn't make eye contact should be looked at for autistic spectrum disorder as well as other things. Here's a link about Aspergers. THese kids often talk like "Little Professors" and have obessive interests and tend to monologue rather than do good give-and-take conversations. Often they talk in a monotone too, although they can become quite animated when with people they are comfortable with. Very often they get along best with younger or older people because they are not peer-appropriate. Younger kids don't care about that and adults like their "adult-like" intelligence and speech. Eye contact is sporadic--can be good with familiar people, but poor with less familiar people. My son is that way. Here ya go with a link: