I don't know what to do...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by hersheyb79, Apr 7, 2011.

  1. hersheyb79

    hersheyb79 New Member

    DS's behaviors have been out of control today, and it's only 8am. He's supposed to go to preschool in 30 minutes, and then I have an appointment, but I know if I take him that I'm going to get called in an hour to come get him, so what's the point.

    I don't know what to do. I feel like for the safety of the other kids in my house something needs to change. I hate this. I wish I could understand what I did to make him like this. I go back to when he was born and I got so sick and couldn't take care of him. I feel like I caused some type of problem by getting sick. This is my fault, but there isn't anything I can do to fix it. I'm feeling so lost and I can't get him the help he needs. I feel like driving to the mental hospital and saying take him or take me, but one of us needs to go.

    I just wish I could fix him. I can't imagine how miserable he must be to tell his siblings he hates them and to scream and yell and hit us all the time.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    First... HUGS.

    Hon, YOU did not do anything to "make" him difficult. If you got sick - how were you supposed to not get sick? And there are a LOT of other issues, from what I have been able to gather. If you did your best with the tools you had at hand - and I truly believe you did - then it isn't your fault.

    As for the appointment? Go. If you cannot pick him up right away, go pick him up when you can. If he knows you will drop everything to cater to his whims, that's what you will be doing. It won't hurt him to wait a little bit. And the preschool will just have to understand.

    More hugs... I know it's not easy...
  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    One of the things I have learnt about being with and confronting this path of having a "difficult" child is that it is unhelpful to take my son's unhappiness or anger at face value... If I believe that it is a real expression of who he is, if that makes sense, I get sad, overwhelmed and angry myself... I have to have faith in him, see beyond his difficult behaviour and believe that he too wants to fit in, co-operate and thrive... Easier said than done, of course. But I have found that this technique of seeing past the difficulty has yielded results... my son has started to be what I show him I believe him to be...
    None of this is easy. But we have to find the joy amidst all the difficulty, I honestly do believe that. And for me the joy lies in seeing and speaking to that in my little boy which is positive and good. It may sound like I just don't understand how hard things are in your house, but is it at all possible to treat him like he is a loving, co-operative boy and see what that produces??
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What does he do to the other children?

    Have you considered evaluating him? Looks like some things run in your family...he probably just got the brunt of some different wiring in the brain...not your fault at all. Nothing you could have done. In fact, you have much insight if you can figure out that his angry words and deeds are done because he is unhappy and frustrated. Happy kids do not act out that way. However, psychiatry has made a lot of headway. Usually, when the parents are caring, the behavior has nothing to do with their parenting skills. Some children need special parenting AND outside help as well.

    If he is dangerous to your other children or pets (if you have any), I would seek an evaluation ASAP. I know it is difficult...moreso because you have other children. Early intervention is your friend...
  5. hersheyb79

    hersheyb79 New Member

    He's been evaluated by EI 4 times in 2 years. Until his behaviors affect his academic learning they can't offer services. Right now he tests very high academically, so they basically want to wait until he's angry and dumb to help (that's how it feels).

    I don't think this is the case. DS 6 is actually adopted. We have no history of mental illness in our family. When he was born I developed an infection and was hospitalized for several months. I'm convinced that those months we didn't get to bond caused some serious problems for him. daughter who's 1 is also adopted, her CP is a result of some substance exposures before she was born.

    I have taken him to the county mental health dept...they have him seeing a useless therapist who tells him to "be a turtle" when he's mad. Have you ever tried to tell a raging 5yo to act like an ever loving turtle...seriously. I have no idea what else to do. husband said that he kicked DS tonight in a fit of rage. As near as he could tell it was because DS got too close. This AM he hated us all because daughter picked up something he dropped and handed it too him.

    I seriously have considered having him committed. It makes me feel like a horrible mom. He turns our lives upside down. I'm worried about our baby and what happens when she starts walking...will she no longer be the cute little sister, but another child to rage at. I feel awful for feeling like this, but I cannot control him anymore, he's the biggest of the 4 (our 6yos are both small for their age, he's big for his age). I just want him to be happy again. He was the most smiley baby, then he just wasn't one day.
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hershey, sounds like things are getting really stressful and unmanageable your end... I can't imagine how you do it, with the other children to look after. My son isn't as aggressive or difficult to be with as your little boy and yet I sometimes find myself really raging and stressing inside at what is only "inappropriately or excessively cheeky" behaviour that feels kind of disrespectful to adults but isn't violent or hostile. So... I can only imagine how I'd be feeling in your place. But... sounds like he really does need appropriate help and he just isn't getting it. Forgive me, I don't understand how US healthcare works (or doesn't work as some might say) and I am not clear about why you can't get the psychological services and evaluations that everyone here talks about... Is there a way you can do this privately or is it all just too expensive?
    Please don't have your son committed... do take care of yourself and find ways to manage the intolerable stress you are under if you can... There ARE solutions and help. But I know what it feels like to be submerged in it and feel there's no way out... some months ago I was fantasising all the time about asking my ex-husband (the adoptive father) to take J to live with him and his family as I just couldn't cope... or felt I couldn't. But things have got better and I feel stronger and more confident as I have got more knowledge and understanding (even though I still lose it with him at times) and our relationship has been transformed from constant battling, raging and unpleasantness to something a lot more manageable. This is what gives me optimism and hope that these situations can be improved.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist? They are really good at pinpointing any child's problems. That way you can get him appropriate interventions EVEN if he is not lagging academically. In the end, if he hurts children in the classroom once he hits kindergarten age, the school may give your poor boy all sorts of problems (not to mention poor YOU).

    My friend adopted a one and two year old who are now nine and eight. The police are always at her house because t he eight year old has become uncontrollably violent. I really feel for you...
  8. hersheyb79

    hersheyb79 New Member

    Right now I just don't know HOW to get the help. We have tried to find a neuropsychologist, but when I try to find one that is on our insurance none come up with-in a 100 mile radius (we live in Denver, so very urban). We just don't know how to go about finding him the help. The way our insurance is set up we have to pay our deductible fully before they will pay anything, and then we have to pay 20% of the rest. So it's hard when you have 4 kids (especially when you have more than one child with needs) to get the help for him. Right now, he's getting help from the community mental health people, and they aren't charging us. But to be 100% honest, his therapist is WORTHLESS. Today he did nothing, I tried to trigger DS, and of course it didn't work (he's really not bad and can calm easily when there are no other children in the room) so I think this guy thinks I'm making this stuff up. He just gives me stupid hand outs each week. He's the only one who will see us and will write off what the insurance doesn't pay.

    Last week I mad probably 30 phone calls and emails begging for evaluations. Begging for help and letting them know that we really can't afford to pay much out of pocket. I got a call back today from a center that does autism evaluations, so I will have to call them back Monday and see if they might be willing to work with us. husband recently cut his work hours back (ie, our only source of income) so that he can be home to help me more. It's great in that I will have help, but it also cuts our income, so we have a harder time finding help.

    I just need to find him help. At the point he is at, I agree that he can't start school. I'm going to have to figure something out. Right now we're looking at homeschooling or cyber schooling next year to give us some time to find help.
  9. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I hope you find the help for your little boy that he needs. Do you have any understanding of why he is so upset and disturbed by other children (you say he is calm if they are not present)?
    It is a shame that he cannot start school, as presumably socialising with other children is really what he needs. Do you fear he would be aggressive with them? Would the school not then come in at that point to help? And homeschooling... would that not leave you even more stressed?
    Sorry, I may be saying some seemingly unhelpful things here... just trying to be realistic :)
  10. hersheyb79

    hersheyb79 New Member

    So the way things are going right now, the preschool is telling me that unless he has a diagnosis (ADHD, ODD, Bi-Polar disorder, etc) that they cannot get him a 504 or IEP and his current behavioral services plan (BSP) cannot carry over to elementary school. Academically he will not qualify for an IEP (you need to have an academic defect to get one, and that is one of the problems getting services for him, he doesn't have one, he tests very high academically). So my concern is that he will not have the protection of that legal document to protect him. I am afraid that he will become violent and that he will be kicked out of Kindergarten making it difficult for me when he needs to start 1st grade. I believe he needs the socialization, but I also don't want to deal with the school and being called every day to pick him up.

    I also don't want to push all summer for a diagnosis just to have a diagnosis. If we're going to get him a diagnosis I want it to be the right one and I don't want it to be just so he can be in school. While homeschooling wouldn't be ideal, because he doesn't rage when it's just him & me and the baby I don't think it would be super stressful, and kindergarten is only 2 hours in the morning, so it would actually save me some stress of running around. We're getting a new principal in the fall and I'm feeling uncomfortable trying to work services out with a principal who's leaving and then a new person comes in and doesn't have a clue what he/she is walking into. I feel like I can give myself that extra year to get things in place and a relationship built so that he can be successful. I just don't want to set him up for failure and right now I feel like that's what I'd be doing if we send him to school in the fall.

    As for why he's so disturbed. I don't know. We can't understand it. We know he has some sensory issues, we know he's auditory & tactically defensive, but we don't understand why that translates with him the way it does. It's very stressful. Especially since the way almost every specialty evaluates (at least the one's we've found) evaluate 1 on 1, and so he has no issues. They won't let me bring our other kids, which would show them what they need to see.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    We discovered that the childrens' hospital we took Jett to would work with us on payments.

    Insurance isn't, really. I hate the way they do stuff.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    University hospitals are top notch and would probably be able to work with you. If you need to travel to get help, well, many of us have done so. Eventually you will have to deal with the school. He may not do well i n his classes, even if he is bright. Many disorders can affect grades and learning. That's what an IEP and 504 plan are all about. My daughter has no behavioral issues, but has memory problems and severe ADD (minus the H). She has a 504 that has helped her tremendously. She has one despite testing out ok in the IQ department.
  13. tictoc

    tictoc New Member

    Hi, Don't let the school district tell you your son can't have an IEP because he doesn't have academic issues. This just isn't the case. My son got an IEP in kindergarten based on his disruptive behaviors, even though he had no academic problems.

    While it is preferable to go into kindergarten with an IEP in place, my guess is that your difficult child's behaviors will be disruptive enough to his class that the school will be calling for an evaluation shortly after he starts school. My son was quirky and sometimes aggressive in preschool and had obvious sensory issues. But, he was incredibly smart and we hoped all would work out in kindergarten. Oh how wrong we were. Everything got worse in kindergarten. Behaviors that his preschool could deal with (like constantly being on the go) were not okay in kindergarten. New rules and more structure magnified all of his issues.

    Long story short: Our son had an IEP by winter break. He is academically gifted, but his behaviors significantly impeded the learning of those around him and his own ability to learn, so he easily got an IEP. His services included a 1:1 aide, adaptive PE, Occupational Therapist (OT), and social skills therapy. So, not having academic problems should not be reason to deny an IEP.
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm seconding tictoc - Jett has an IEP, but Onyxx has a BIP - Behavioral Intervention Plan - that our district uses in the same general way as an IEP.
  15. hersheyb79

    hersheyb79 New Member

    I had an opportunity to speak with the 504 coordinator for DS's future school (if that's the direction we go). She was daughter's former kindergarten teacher, so we were just chatting and it came up. She's going to get in touch with the preschool to set up a meeting so we can get things looked at. I'm still not positive traditional school is right for him, but money is an issue and we don't have $20K to pay for a private school. I'm still waiting on the other evaluation from the autism center.

    His P-DR said today that he doesn't believe DS is autistic, but I still think it couldn't hurt to have him evaluated by these people.