I don't know what to do....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Christa, Dec 2, 2007.

  1. Christa

    Christa New Member

    Hello all,
    My name is Christa and I just joined today. However, I used to read the boards several years ago when my son was younger.
    I feel I am somewhat desperate and am hoping for some advice or maybe for just someone to listen.
    My difficult child will be 23 in a couple of months. He was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and ADHD when he was just a kid. We later found out he did not have ADHD but it was bipolar. His life has been a rocky one to say the least. He has been doing a bit better the last few months though and appears to really be trying.
    Here is the sitation. Several months ago he met a girl. I don't think you could call it a real relationship as I think there was only sex involved. Well she turned up pregnant and is due in April. My son appears to be happy about it and I think that is the reason for him trying so hard in his life. After finding out the girl was pregnant, he also found out she had a pretty serious drinking problem. She had attended AA meetings before becoming pregnant and still does occassionally. She turned 20 last week. The problem is she is still drinking sometimes. He called me this morning and said she was stumbling drunk last night. She got really upset with my son and beat him up pretty good. I am just so concerned about the baby. I worry about fetal alcohol syndrome. My selfish side also appears because my husband and I are more than willing to raise the baby if we need to. However, I am afraid with the drinking that the baby could have health issues. I know that sounds bad but I still have two girls to raise at home and the thought of taking on a baby with health problems really scares me.
    Has anyone ever gone through something like this or have any advice? As far as I know, it is not illegal to drink while you are pregnant so I don't think anything can be done legally.
    Thanks so much for your time.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi and welcome to the board. You have found a safe place to land.

    Your situation is a very sticky one. You are right in saying that you cannot legally do anything to stop this girl from drinking because she is pregnant. However, she is only 20, and legally not old enough to drink. I don't know if you want to go down that road...

    As far as you being willing to raise the baby, I commend you on that. There is a thread on this forum about that very thing. Several of our board members have stepped up to the plate and taken in a grandchild while their own child has been unable to do the child rearing properly. But you are in a iffy situation. I don't think that what you said is selfish at all, but the mom might think that you are infringing on her rights. Does she know that you intend to raise the child if she and your son are unable to? Does she plan to try? Is she still "with" your son, or was it really just a physical thing between them?

    She may very well not want the responsibility of raising that baby. Perhaps you, your spouse, your son, the girl, and possibly her parents (are they even in the picture?) should have a pow wow. Drinking is a serious thing when one is pregnant. She needs to know HOW serious, and she needs to know that everyone is supporting her. I do commend her VERY highly for attempting to quit. It is not easy, and it seems to be more difficult the younger you are.

    If you decide to get together for a discussion, maybe you can get some answers as to her plans. You can then plan for your own future, and so can your son.

    Please post often and let us know how everything is going. The board is slow on the weekends, you will get more responses during the week.

    Again, welcome. (((hugs)))
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You could try calling social services and see if they'll step in. However, from what I understand about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE), the damage is done in the first trimester, so probably a moot point by now. I'm so sorry.

    My daughter more than likely has Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) but no one is sure and there really isn't a test as yet to determine it. Her biomom was an alcoholic from age 12 or 13. Honestly, if you think the infant has Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), I'd think long and hard about raising the child. The neurological damage is irreversible and there really isn't much today in the way of therapy that really helps.

    You must be very proud of your son that he is so willing to straighten up for his soon-to-be-child. Most men would do everything in their power to deny any responsibility, especially when there was no true affection between the "adults." However, be sure there is a paternity test to be on safe side once the child is born.

    Whatever you decide and whatever the final outcome, I wish you the best.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome back. :flower:

    A tough situation all the way around.

    Is the mother saying she wants to raise the baby? What about your son?

    Not much you can do about her drinking, unless you try the underage angle. And sad to say, depending on where you are the cops might not see the big deal of a 20 yr old drinking. (I know here they don't)

    At this point there is no way to be certain this child is your son's. I hate to bring that up, but it is the reality in today's world. And if this was not a serious relationship, the possibility is there.

    If it were me, I'd think long and hard and try to come up with all the pros and cons to the situation. I wouldn't make any quick decisions. Cuz the ball is mainly in the girlfriends court right now.