I don't think this is how respite is supposed to work

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Jun 21, 2010.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    So, difficult child is at E's house. She first went a week ago Sunday, spent the night and came home Monday. She went back late Thursday night. Except for Saturday, I have been at E's house every day dealing with difficult child. And late Saturday night/early Sunday morning difficult child called me. Sobbing. I talked her down. When I went to E's house yesterday, I was pretty much expecting to bring her home. I'm surprised that she stayed and that she went back tonight.

    Today she was home because of appointments and I took her grocery shopping and she argued the entire way through the store. Over the stupidest things. When I told her I'd had enough of her attitude, she said she'd had enough of mine. !!!

    Maybe tomorrow will be the magic day? Dare I hope?
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Why can E not handle her? This does NOT sound like respite and it does NOT sound like you are getting a break. What would happen if you didn't answer your phone, maybe let E know ahead of time? If it is a true emergency, have E call 911 for transport to a psychiatric hospital. If difficult child knows she isn't going to get your attention, and if she pushes it she will head to the psychiatric hospital, would she tone it down for a day or two? What does E think about all of this? I am sure she had plans for this week so she could enjoy difficult child. Does difficult child know she is missing out on fun stuff with E?

    I know you are doing what you need to. I just worry about you. You do SO MUCH for everyone else and not nearly enough taking care of my friend. My friend is important too. Even if difficult child spends the day melting down at E's house, if E can cope and keep telling difficult child that she will survive maybe it would help difficult child develop some independence. Even if it doesn't, YOU would get a little break. YOU are at least as important as difficult child. At some point you may have to turn off all the phones and just collapse. If you don't I worry you will have a stroke or another heart attack from all of the unrelenting conflama and stress. What would happen to difficult child if you died? It is time to start putting yourself first. Even if it means getting those earplugs and ignoring difficult child for a certain amount of time each day or week. PLEASE take good care of my friend. Would it help her to go easy on you if your docs explained that her koi could cause a stroke or heart attack?

    If you cannot do this yet I understand. Sometimes there is almost no real choice. Or we cannot see one. I just don't know how you take all you do and don't collapse. Please don't let the stress and conflama get you to a point where your body reacts as severely as Timer Lady's did.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    It's not that E can't handle her, it's that difficult child wasn't communicating with E then having meltdowns, panic attacks, paranoia, hearing things, etc, ad nauseum.

    When I went Sunday, I went to facilitate a conversation between E and difficult child. I had been talking to E and difficult child separately, but difficult child needed to express herself - but she needed my help to do so. For as amazing of a writer she is - she creates characters you can visualize and stories/plots that you can't wait to read what happens next - she does not verbalize emotions. At all. It's *always*, "I don't know". And it always has been. I have to decipher what she is feeling by what cues she does give off. If you're not around her all the time, you wouldn't know. And for as creative as she is, she's a very black and white thinker. Everything has to be concrete. There has to be a right or wrong answer. And we know that life doesn't work that way - especially summer vacation where the kids are just doing their own thing.

    by the way, E is difficult child 2's mom - so she can definitely handle a meltdown. haha And her youngest, while not diagnosis'd, is classic Aspie. And he is thriving without services (although she is in the process of getting that started - he's 9 and the youngest). She instinctively knows what to do. He's a really neat kid.

    I don't know. This just reinforces for me that she will not be able to live on her own without assistance. (Big sigh)
  4. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I agree with susiestar that you need to put your health needs first no matter how difficult it is for you to do this. Even if your daughter isn't able to live alone without assistance, she is going to have to learn that other people are going to have to be a much bigger part of her support system - She can't depend solely on you for everything! Other then this, I really don't have any words of wisdom to share, just want to let you know I'm thinking of you... Hugs... SFR
  5. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    heather---have her write it--the story of her, the story of how she feels in that moment. (just try to convince her it doesnt need to be a novel....we use a similar technique with drawing and i swear, mine gets bogged down in the detail and it sometimes defeats the purpose!)

    whatever she's feeling and cant communicate can come out on paper....even if she never says a word verbally, she apparently *can* express it on paper...she can just hand her finished product to E (or you, or whomever).

    no matter how it comes out, knowing where she's at would be half the battle.