I don't wanna do this anymore

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by comatheart, Feb 8, 2014.

  1. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I JUST posted that difficult child was doing well...

    BUT in the last few days we've had things around the house begin to go missing again. Then I got difficult child's bank statement in the mail and I opened it. He has withdrawn $120 ($40 3x in 5 days) from his checking account. We have his checks and his debit card, so he must have gotten a ride to the bank each time to withdraw money directly. The money in that account is his car savings money and we made it clear he should not be spending it! (Thus why we have his debit card and checks) We have seen nothing new to account for the missing $120 which is disheartening to say the least.

    Other than that, there are no outward signs of using again, but I am driving myself crazy!!!!!! As I sat in my Alanon meeting this morning, I just don't see HOW he can continue to live with us after he graduates high school in May. We told all of our children as long as they are in school, they can live at home for free and he says he's going to go to College when he graduates and plans to stay at home. I just don't know if I will be able to do it though. I want him out!!!! Of course the other side of me knows this would be the worst thing for him right now in his recovery. I'm just so tired and locking things up, and worrying what he's up to.

    I know I'll come to my senses, but just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. :(
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for the downturn of events. I would imagine he is using drugs again. That is normally why kids, especially kids who have a history of drug use, want fast money.

    If he is still using, he is not recovering. Search his room. Check his cell phone and FB. You'll find out what he's doing. In many cases the best thing you can do for both the drug user and yourself is to make them leave or go to a rehab (they can have the choice). You should not have lock things up in your own home.

    If you find signs that your son is back to drug using, then you have time to think about how you want to handle it. I'd be heavy on "rehab or you're out." But I am not you and you are not me. You have to do what feels right to you. Just remember to think about the others in your home when you make your decision. You matter every bit as much as your son does. That is a hard concept for many of us to grasp. The first time a therapist told me that, I was aghast. I just could not buy it. It took time.

    Wishing you a peaceful night.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to agree with MWM, it looks like he is using. My difficult child did the same thing, withdrew money several days in a row and bought nothing that she brought home. Found out later it was spent on alcohol and pot. Is he being drug tested? Relapse of very very common, but it's what he does with the relapse that's important. What kind of aftercare programis he in? Can you call them and tell them your suspicions?
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have you asked him where the money went? If he has nothing to show you that was bought with the money, I'd say it would be a very safe bet that it was for drugs or alcohol.

    Is the school still testing him at random?

  5. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    We sat him down and talked to him last night. He says he's been giving the money away for gas money, buying food and tobacco. He's taken out at least $40 more since the statement was printed, so we're talking at least $160 of frivolous spending. If that is indeed what he's done with it.

    I give him money for food when the peer group goes places to eat (and he must provide us a receipt showing he ate.) I've been giving gas money to the kids who have given him rides... so I don't completely buy any of it!!

    They have random drug tests twice a week at the recovery school he attends. He always comes up positive for PCP and Meth, due to his prescription and OTC medications. They sent it to the lab to verify he was clean a couple times, but I don't know that they do it every time. (I doubt it.) I intend to call the director/counselor tomorrow and discuss all of this with him.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I' m sorry you are, apparently, back on the rollercoaster ride. It just drains the strength out of you..been there done that. Hugs DDD
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    They always have an answer for things, don't they? And we so desperately want to believe them because the alternative means more pain for us.

    You know the drill.

    If drug testing doesn't tell the real score of what is going on, I agree with searching his room, phone, social media to see what is going on. Once you have the facts, you can act with courage and strength.

    This is so, so hard, and I am so sorry for what you are dealing with today.

    Just for today, I hope you can find something good for YOU.
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am sending hugs and prayers for the strength to do whatever is necessary whenever it is necessary.
    Keep yourself well.
  9. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    My son has relapsed. :(

    He tried to lie, and had us all believing him. His counselor searched his backpack and found empty Triple C packaging... only then did he admit to relapse. He swears it was just that one package. That likely means he used the majority of that $ on drugs. There are no words right now. We are devastated. Not sure yet what this means. If this is a blip on the radar or a full blown relapse.
  10. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    He had just gotten his 5 month chip. *sigh*
  11. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    Oh, I am so sorry :-( I have to believe if it was 1 time he would have been way more careful than to leave the package in his backpack. Im sure thats not what you want to hear. (((Hugs)))

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I too am very sorry this has happend.

    Comatheart, do you have a sponser you can call right now?
    Has your son called his sponser?

    Know that your family is in my prayers.
    One day at a time...
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Com---I am so sorry. I can hear how crushed you are and I so understand.

    As you well know, relapse is a part of the disease, and all alcoholics and drug addicts are going to relapse. That doesn't help your unique and specific situation, but it is good to know that your son is just doing what the disease dictates.

    I remember hearing one time: my disease is sitting in the back seat and I'm in the front seat. He is always there, waiting.

    Sunday, at an Al-Anon meeting, I heard one member say that she had listened to a morning news program and a recovering drug addict was talking---he has been sober for 20 years, he said but his disease was getting worse. It is a disease of the physical, the mental and the spiritual.

    It's hard for us to comprehend this, this living with a monster that is always there. Until we realize we live with a monster---the monster of enabling, He is always there, and we are always working hard to keep him at bay.

    It's the same thing.

    That is why help is so essential and so necessary. We just can't do this alone. They just can't do this alone. It takes a lot of help and then a concerted effort, every day of their lives. Every day of our lives.

    And it takes a Higher Power. Who else can bear this burden? We can't. We have to turn it over, turn it over, turn it over. Again and again and again, asking Someone stronger than we are to hold us, to encircle us, to take this crushing weight from us.

    This is such hard work. I don't know why this disease IS. The only redeeming quality I see is that it teaches me every day just how much I need help and cannot rely on myself. I am not an island. I need help, I need other people, I need my Higher Power (God for me). Once I admit that need, I break wide open, and I am connected again, not trying to do it all by myself.

    We have met our match in this disease. We, who can do so much and who are so strong in other areas of our lives.

    If your son is willing, that is the key. If he is willing to turn, and walk in a new direction, there is so much help that will come alongside him. My son doesn't want that help. It sounds like your son does, and is trying. Now, if he chooses, he can get back up off the floor again and try again.

    You are so disappointed and sad and afraid right now. It is such a letdown, when your hopes were so high. I know, I really do know. Let those feelings come. Don't fight them---just let them come.

    Please feel hugs and love and compassion for your hurting heart and soul from me. Please know there is help here, and elsewhere, and through it all, if we can keep moving forward, some days just an inch or two, some days a standstill, and some days taking big strides, we will be better. We will feel better and we will move toward peace, joy and serenity.

    If you don't already have this practice and this tool, please look for an Al-Anon meeting and just go and sit there. There is a palpable warmth in the silence and in the familiar routines and reciting of the Steps. Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (and drugs) and that our lives had become unmanageable.

    We need all the tools we can get and find and use in our toolbox.

    That first step is such a relief, if we can take it. Our hands are wide open, palms up, giving it up again.

    Blessings and peace I wish you today.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I am so so sorry. It is so devestating when we have our hopes up and then they relapse!! Her is hoping that his counselor and sponser help him find a way to get back on track....Hopefully he wants to get back on track and is not just figuring out how to keep fooling everyone.


    Sent from my iPad using ConductDisorders
  15. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Thanks everyone. I do not have a sponsor, I attend Alanon once a week but I don't yet feel comfortable asking someone to sponsor me. I feel weird about it. My son does have a sponsor, but I don't think he's doing my son any good. He lives very far away from us (like 45 mins) and since my son doesn't drive it has been a hindrance since the beginning. Even when he told him about the relapse, his sponsor didn't put forth any effort to get him to a meeting, or go with him.

    Turns out my son has spent nearly $300 in the last 2 weeks. His account was nearly drained. I searched his room tonight and found 4 loose pills in his jacket pocket. I googled them, they're Triple C's. I hate that old familiar feeling of dishonesty, lying & sneaking around that has resurfaced in my household.

    I don't know yet what the plan is for my son. We're told it's a normal part of recovery. So when do you make the call to send them back to treatment?? The program he's in now is essentially Intensive Outpatient. It doesn't help that his drug of choice is a legal, OTC medication. Even if it was behind the counter, he turned 18 in Dec and can buy it freely as he chooses.

    I just don't know and it's SOOO hard to remain hopeful for his future. I'm a pessimist by nature. :(
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    COM, I waited and watched at alanon for about four months before I asked someone to be my sponsor. She was a 74-year-old woman (now 77) who has been in alanon for about 35 years. She has been my sponsor for the past three years but I have stopped going to the meeting in another town where I met her and where she goes. We talked about it, and agreed we would still remain good friends and talk by phone from time to time but stop being sponsor/sponsee.

    I am now observing at my regular meetings to identify someone new I'd like to ask to sponsor me. There are actually several people who I think we would be a good match and I respect their recovery and their path.

    Not in a hurry but would like to get a sponsor in the next month or so.

    Food for thought about sponsorship.

    Regarding his next steps, does he want to go to rehab? What is he saying about the relapse?

    Ugh about it being OTC. Wow.

    Hang in there. We are here for you.