I don't want to do therapy anymore

[JLady]

I don't want to do therapy anymore. I feel like I'm constantly being judged about my decisions and justifying them to people. What is the point of spending a lot of money to go and recap the weekly events with someone? I don't need a cheerleader saying... I agree, good choice, think about this, what about that... Why do I pay for that? I can see if my child is making progress or not. My money would be much better spent on getting my 7 year old therapy instead of wasting it on myself. I'm not in a good place right now.

 

[Im a Believer]

I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated.

Hugs to you ~ Judy

 

[Jena]

hi i'm sorry you are feeling frustrated also. i'm a bit lost though, im sorry. the therapy was for you??

 

[JLady]

Yes, therapy for me. Why? It's such a waste. It doesn't help me be a better mom. It doesn't help my son be better. I just go and recap everything that happened in the week. Have someone say keep going and pay them money. How does that help my son?

He took the risperdal and is sound asleep. He had a good night tonight. He was calmer but not a zombie. He was still his usual self but not driving everyone insane. That's a good thing.

The psychiatrist said that therapy would be good for him because of life situations. My counselor said tonight that we all need therapy. I'm responsible. I make the decisions that have put my children in their situations of their lives.

I don't even know what I'm saying. I should just go to bed. I'm so tired. This last month has been so stressful and confusing.

 

[klmno]

My motto is that if you cringe at the thought of talking to your therapist and you walk out feeling worse than you walked in then it is not a good therapist and that isn't what therapy/counseling is supposed to be (even though occassionally, we are all going to hear things we don't want to)- So, my suggestion is to dump this one and find another one. None of us moms need that kind of trip- heck- we can find people to blame us for free!!

 

[BestICan]

I agree with KLMNO. I've tried on a few therapists in my day and discarded a few like ill-fitting clothes. There are therapists out there who don't want to hear you recap your week, will tell you to move on to a more productive conversation. The therapist I currently have is a true FAMILY therapist and has done good work with both me and difficult child. (This is mostly because many of my issues are due to difficult child's issues and the family dynamics around that.)

I think it's reasonable to appraoch a first session almost like it's a job interview. I think it's reasonable to ask a therapist what a typical session would be like, do they take a "recap your week" approach or a "how do you feel about that?" approach, or a "here's a strategy" approach. Obviously you'll find a mixture of all of the above but you'll get a feel for them if you ask.

I'm sorry you're feeling so discouraged. You sound so down that my gut tells me you shouldn't drop therapy altogether but maybe you should "go shopping" for a new therapist.

Best of luck!

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Jlady,

I agree with Jen. Some therapists just aren't the correct fit. There is no point in continuing therapy with one who is not helping the situation.

I also think it would be a good idea to find a new therapist. I know that this is work in and of itself, but you will be acting proactively and I know that action helps me feel better when the chips are down.

Hang in there!

 

[Jena]

hi, you responded to me and i went away i'm sorry .... i'm off the charts this week.

Anyway, i dont' know i have a different view of therapy. When I don't want to go and I walk out and my skin is crawling I know that they are doing a good job. lol It's when I walk out happy i say that wow what am I paying him/her for???

Yet to be honest, that's kinda harsh if their saying it's all your fault, etc. Mental illness is mental illness. You cannot make your child be sick. Sure our choices can heighten their disorder's ( i know i've made some bad choices that did that), yet at the end of the day I would think that it's not about "blaming" you, it's about helping you cope better and teaching you skills, right??

Do you think that their doing that in anyway for you?? See when I went for my own personal issues sure it was all good to walk out miserable, i needed to go thru the process. Yet when I went for back up with easy child and difficult child issues walking out deflated isn't cool at all.

just my thoughts. how are you feeling today, any better???

 

[klmno]

One thing that helped a little in my search for a therapist was to go to the counseling company's website and see if they have a brief description about the specialty or type of therapy used. Or, pick a few names of therapists and do a google search on them. Not always, but sometimes you can find a bit of info that helps either eliminate them from your list of possibilities or makes you feel interested in talking with them. There are different modalities- if that's the correct word- used in therapy and I found that one of my biggest road blocks was identifying what type(s) I was comfortable with and what really ddrove me nuts. Of course, just having a good repoirte with each other counts for a whole lot, too.

Some things that some of them do just make me crazy from the get-go. Like, the ones who always respond to my question with a question. The ones that set a timer. The ones that start off trying to push an answer (no matter what that answer is) when they haven't even gotten the full story about the problem. I'm really picky about the therapist I see!! You can't be any worse than me about this, so keep trying!!

 

[butterflydreams]

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time. I go to therapy too, bi-weekly at this point. I end up doing a recap of the week as well, my therapist is also my daughter's therapist and used to be my son's. Because of the severeness of his issues and the fact that he didn't click with her, she felt and so did I that he needed a different therapist, so he sees someone else - I talk to his new therapist as well. I feel recapping the week for me is helpful because, not only can I get out what has been going on, but sometimes it is helpful because I am able to get advice on how maybe things could have been done differently or perhaps confirmation that I am doing things right.

As far as everyone needing therapy, they are right - family therapy is essential because what goes on with our difficult child's does affect the WHOLE family not just our difficult child's.

I do agree though that it sounds like this therapist is not the right fit, time for a new one.

 

[TerryJ2]

Jlady, so sorry it's so frustrating. It should be something that makes you feel better. Something that is validating. I think that's why the therapist is acting like a cheerleader. I've gone to therapy and have loved the cheerleading part, because sometimes that's the only person who 1) will sit and listen to all the &%%##$%, 2) can encapsulate it into 25 words or less to help me clarify, and 3) support me when I feel like I am in this stuff all alone.
Obviously, it is just one more chore for you.
Find another therapist, or write down your specific goals. I'm a big one for making lists. I also love to read, so if the therapist recommends a book, I'm off to order it immediately.
I'm sorry you feel like you have to defend yourself. The therapist may ask you why you did something, but it is supposed to help the therapist clarify the activities that took place, as well as get you to think about what happened, and to put things into perspective.
The therapist isn't berating you, is she? Or is it more like, "Why did you do that, when just last week you told me you weren't going to do that?"
They're supposed to help you stay on task.
Good luck!

 

[busywend]

Maybe you should take the money and get a massage once a week. Or go to the salon or spa for some pampering time. I find that much more fulfilling than spilling my guts about how hard my difficult child is to handle. That does not make her easier to handle. The spa does.
At least for a day or two!

 

[ML]

Everyone has given great perspective so I can only add a bit of encouragement. We all make mistakes and poor choices. It's part of being human. As long as we learn from them that's the important thing. Hang in there! ML

 

[TerryJ2]

Good ideas, Busywend!

What do you think, JLady?

 

[compassion]

For me, I need to be flexible and tuned into my needs: sometimes I need place to talk. Last night I needed a nap and quiet. Compassion

 

[Jena]

JLady

So, how are you doing today?? Have you had a chance to think over the therapy??

I hope you are well

 

[BusynMember]

I've been forced to see many tdocs in my life because I take medications and sometimes the psychiatrists insist. In general, the only one I have found REALLY helpful did cognitive behavioral therapy. Most of the others were clueless about me and the family and didn't help. I do see one now that I really like. She kind of uses some cognitive behavioral stuff too, but not as much. Hate to say it, but your therapist sounds like one of the clueless ones who makes things worse rather than better. Therapy is all theory. There is no right or wrong. It's who helps you and who you click with. If this one is a loser, find another one and blow off what she said. Your child's disorder isn't your fault. That is nonsense.

 

[janebrain]

I'm seeing my dtr's therapist--kind of happened accidentally. We were meeting to get caught up on dtr's progress and I mentioned my problems with anxiety and he said he could meet with me to work on that. I thought we'd meet a few times but I have been seeing him regularly for awhile. We are doing EMDR therapy and I have to say it is working. I have particular situations where I get anxious (nothing to do with the situation per se and I have always known that) and my anxiety has really lessened since starting the EMDR. Also, I have found I have many more issues than I knew and the therapist can now see where my own issues have impacted my kids. I think this is the only therapy that has really worked for me--I used to see therapists but it was just to talk and it was something I could do with my best friend for free.

Jane

 

[JLady]

I had no idea there were so many replies. I guess this thread got pushed to the second page and I thought it was just dead. I must say I felt really dumb after posting it. I have issues with wanting acceptance for my decisions and I don't often get it. I am also at a point where I feel we are getting help for my difficult child but I still have issues as well. Yes, this adds to my depression and anxiety without a doubt but I would kind of like to work on something that we may be able to do something about. I just feel like a mixed pot of emotions and feelings and often wonder if I'm a help to anyone.

I'm trying to take back control. I guess I want my therapist to tell me what you guys have.... Someone that helps me get back in control when I feel like I don't have any solid ground to stand on. The therapist probably isn't judging me. That is part of my issue. I was so tired when I posted this. I want instant answers and solutions that work! I guess we don't get much of that with a difficult child. I want to be a person that is whole and complete. That is really hard to be when you are fighting with a difficult child and not knowing what to expect from one moment to the next.

Thank you for all your responses. I will check page two from now on!

 

[compassion]

JLady, I have experieced wantring the type of support I find here from therapist and I have to accept it is not exactly that way. Today,she worked with her on social skills, intrdoucing herself . Well, my agenda is more along the lines of keeping her from running away and using. AA has worked plus I iniated signed contracts and that has worked.
I am still processing how helpful it is to have husband and I go in there. We are very involved in 12 step groups and I feel I get a lot more support from there and this forum. What is helpful though is to have a listener.
I also get the impressionthat her son, now 25 is difficult child who dropped out of school and uses substances. I really do not think she understands or can support the path I have chosen in the way I often wqnt her to.
She has a lot of experience with bipolar and extreme behaviors .
Both my parents were social workers and that tends to muddy the waters for me. I was definely not in favor of therapy/medications until the behavoir got so extreme.
I have found thoughthat the biggest help is from 12th step groups and this forum.
I am comitted to having her do weekly therapy as it isa stipulation to have charges dropped. medications do help.
I am lowering my expectations of thaerapy. Compassion