I evicted her - what now?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by troubled, Feb 10, 2011.

  1. troubled

    troubled Guest

    If you kept up with my first post, I evicted my 19 yo daughter and her first stop was at my sister's home for a few days. difficult child had planned on returning to Minn where she had been living with her boyfriend and his parents but that plan fell through when the boyfriend's mom said no. So, the boyfriend came here by bus to be with difficult child and supposedly told his dad that he would return when the dad found him an apartment so he and difficult child would have a place to stay together. This boyfriend is on SSI and only gets $800 a month to live on and his parents decided to charge him $400 a month rent to live with them once difficult child moved in. I am assuming that no longer welcoming difficult child in their home motivated their son to say he wanted to move out and he promptly took a bus here. This 21 yo boyfriend is also a difficult child and from what I gathered, is kind of "slow" and does things without thinking. Like leaving difficult child in a store and taking off to get a meal at a nearby McD's without telling anyone. :imok:They spent hours looking for him. Called police and reported him missing until he found his way back to the apt.

    They were staying at one of difficult child's friend's apartment until something happened and the friends mom said they both had to leave. So now they are staying in a motel room for $250 a week. The boyfriend paid for it but he only gets $800 a month from SSI so that won't last long. difficult child called my sister and asked could she bring her a can opener? My sister is keeping track of difficult child and I think it's stressing her out a lot. :sigh:She even made plans to take difficult child and her boyfriend out to eat on the weekend so she and her husband could meet the boyfriend.

    My sister told me that difficult child was asking her if she thought I missed her. She said she didn't know. I think difficult child is testing the water, wondering if she can come back home somehow. I don't want her back, I can't afford to help her out financially and yet I hate to think of her out in the freezing cold with no place to stay, nothing to eat, etc. I'm afraid that the boyfriend and she will get into some kind of fight and he will leave her homeless and go home to his parents.

    I am also angry that difficult child's father and paternal Grandma want nothing to do with her and will do nothing to help her other than send her some bonds they had for her. When I spoke to the both of them, all they would say is -- no, she's not welcome here, we can't handle her, etc. My EX even said she might end up dead and that I should let the state cremate her to save money!! Can you imagine a father saying that? I can't believe I ever married that piece of work!

    I don't know how---- HOW do I sleep at night and not still worry about my daughter? She is like a 12 year old and yet she wants adult privileges and will NOT listen to anyone telling her what to do with her life. She will listen to strangers and kids for advice before she would listen to a caring adult. She has no job, no income and only about $2,000 to her name, no ID even! Nothing in the bank. Only plan is to live with her boyfriend. Oh, and she's been letting her boyfriend take nude pictures of her and is sending them out via email to anyone who wants them. Don't ask me how I know that.

    I am trying real hard to let her be and let her learn by mistakes but she hasn't in the past.It's really hard. I cry a lot. :hangin:Thanks for listening. I hope someone at least learns something from my postings.
  2. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I had to get a restraining order against my son last yr(20 yrs.old) and I cry and worry all the time; it's not a good life for me. My son is bouncing from place to place too and has been homeless. Lived with my oldest son, but screwed that up and won't help himself or anyone else with bills,etc. He has no $ to his name, so your child is better, for now, than mine. My son desperately needs medications and treatment but refuses to believe anything is wrong. I worry constantly and am unhappy and don't know how to tell you to cope. You just do, somehow. I don't want him homeless or on the street, it's been freezing here, but he mentally abused me and that is not acceptable. Started to do the same thing to his oldest brother, that's why he tossed him out. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but there is no choice.
    You are strong and will get through it.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hun...I can understand how upset and frustrated you must be! I think it is much harder on parents of girls to do this than parents of boys even though it is tough on us too.

    With your daughters diagnosis's do you think it would be possible to get her to apply for disability for herself too? That might get her some income at least. Or do you think she can actually work? It seems she isnt capable of making much in the way of rational decisions considering she doesnt even realize she needs to have an ID on her.

    If nothing else, can you tolerate this boyfriend? Is he nice to your dtr? He might not be the one you hoped for but if he isnt the scum of the earth who is beating her and drugging her, maybe he isnt so bad. Lord knows some kids can meet up with some real losers. If you can tolerate him, maybe you could suggest they look into low income housing so they dont end up homeless. It could be that after some time living the adult life she would grow up a bit and figure out what she really needs to do. These young adults do a ton of growing between 18 and 25. You will be amazed at how different she is when she hits the mid twenties. You just have to get there first.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's definitely hard. If you're sure you can't take her back, then I would research shelter options, intake numbers for services, etc. in your city and have that information ready to give to her when the time comes. So many of these kids seem to find a way to survive out there, despite their issues.. even if surviving means couch surfing from place to place.

    Hang in there. Are you taking time to take care of yourself during all this? Do you have a counselor you can confide in?
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    You said your daughter asked your sister if you missed her. Does that mean your daughter is not in touch with you directly? It does sound like she is testing the waters. Depending on the situation my suggestion is to be in touch with her, let her know you love her but also firmly state she can't live with you. That is what we ended up doing with our son. We kept the door of communication open so when he really got himself in trouble we could step in and help but also be clear he could not come back home. Probably one of the hardest conversations we ever had was to tell him when he called from jail that he could not live here..... but in the end that helped him decide to get help. Granted going to rehab was to get himself out of jail.... but he had no where else to go and it did help him.
  6. troubled

    troubled Guest

    She believes strongly that she can qualify for SSI because her last therapist said so. The trouble is that she has refused treatment and counseling for over 5 years. I did get all the paperwork together for her to take to the SSI but she is refusing to get an ID. I think it's because she wants to weasel out of getting in trouble by lying about who she is. I tried to get help filling out the SSI forms and the person who was trying to help got mad because difficult child was not there also.. too lazy to get out of bed and go with me. Plus, they also said she needs an ID. Now that she is evicted she doesn't even have an address and that will present a big problem for her in this state where they require two proofs of address/residency. And her boyfriend's mother told her she was not giving her permission to use their address in Minn. I think difficult child would qualify for some sort of housing but seeing how in MI there is a big problem with homeless now I don't know. difficult child and her boyfriend leave everything up to someone else and don't go asking for the help themselves. difficult child is waiting for her boyfriend's parents to find them an apt in Minn but I don't think they are going to do it because they don't want difficult child with their son anymore. The shelters are all full here.
  7. troubled

    troubled Guest

    He does seem to genuinely care for difficult child and he says money means nothing to him so her lets her spend his with reckless abandon. She hoards clothes and dolls. She has a real problem with shopping, esp for someone who doesn't want to work. She will try working but she said it's a last resort. She thinks she can get SSI in a matter of months although everyone has told her different. She's extremely immature and acts on impulse without much thought and she even won't use a knife or the stove because she's afraid she'll hurt herself because she can't focus on a task for long. She eats mostly microwave meals because of it. I got tired of cooking meals for her that she would only reject and throw away. Like I said, in a lot of ways she is still a 12 year old in her head and refuses to grow up.
  8. troubled

    troubled Guest

    I did look up places for her to get help and printed it out. She threw it away. I didn't call any of them because she planned to go back to Minn with her boyfriend. I do not have a therapist at this time. I was not impressed with the ones I did see and they limit you to 20 visits that I have to pay $18 a visit. Can't really afford it. I talk to my mom and best friend and that helps. And of course, here.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Going to speak with you as a mom with a child with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). I don't know how that diagnosis was made. Do you feel it's an accurate diagnosis? Getting SSD would depend on her ability to do normal daily task in caring for herself. I'm not quite sure how they assess that to be honest.

    Travis has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). At 24 yrs of age he is just now catching up to 18 yr olds in many areas, others not even close and may never. I'm going to be honest when I say there was a time a few years back when I worried he would never progress to an 18 yr old level. And of course there are other issues that complicate his situation as well.

    I can totally understand you fears and worry. I can also totally understand why you don't want her to return home.

    If Travis' behavior was similar as your daughter's he'd find himself in the same position. I have rules in my home. They're followed or you don't stay here. Even given his disabilities he is capable of understanding that so he is expected to follow the rules like anyone else.

    Travis qualifies for SSD.......but it is as much his vision as the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and CP. So I'm not sure at what level of functioning they'd decide your daughter would qualify.

    Given what you've said about your daughter..........Try calling community action or the local mental health dept and ask if there is any facilities for your daughter to stay in. We have several settings here (and we're a small town). We in fact have a half way house across the alley......but Travis is functioning too high for them. He's working on getting his own apartment. But such a place would help make certain her basic needs are met, she is safe, and give her a sense of independence she seems to crave.

    While looking for that........call the local homeless shelter. Those kids should be able to get 2 single spots easily. Not the greatest place but they won't be sleeping on the street going hungry.

    And as far as SSD..........she's not going to be able to get that alone. She is going to need someone to help her.

    Going off to live alone at college was the best thing in the world for Travis. And while it sounds great.......it was one of the hardest things he's ever done. Keeping himself fed alone was a challenge and he ate alot of ramen during that time as he underestimated his budget in a huge way. He learned more in that 3 months than years at home.

    Sometimes it has to be that way as hard as it is for us to watch them go through it. Look into some programs, you may be surprised at what is available.

  10. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Hound dog: difficult child had a neuropsyche evaluation about 6 years ago at the local hospital. Her Medicaid paid for it and they wrote out a diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified and a list of things that they wanted the school to do to help difficult child. Since then, she only got worse, got arrested at school for assault and then they forced her into a Special Education school in a classroom of all boys for severely emotionally impaired. She hated it and it was nothing but one suspension after another as she broke almost every rule they had there. She remained there until she graduated in 12th grade. I took her to several therapy sessions with a social worker outside of the school during her last year of school but she refused to talk to the school social worker or go to a psychiatrist. It's not normal for a 19 year old to still play with Barbie dolls and carry them around with her but she doesn't seem to care. She also hoards clothes, shoes, purses and dolls. Plays little kid games on the computer and tv along with gory violent stuff. Her stuff is in a storage unit for $50 a month until she can find a place to move it. When I did some checking into it, she can't even get a MI ID without an address and she is living in a motel room at this point. I don't know anyone who is willing to help her out. She knows better to ask anyone in my family because they've already told her no. She was terrible at Thanksgiving and Christmas to the family. Ignored everyone to talk on the phone with her boyfriend even after we told her to stay off the phone. AND -- she told me before that as soon as she can get SSD she planned on moving out of my home to an apt. She is that sure she's going to get it.
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Throwing your child out of your home is the hardest thing I think a parent ever has to do!! I did it with my difficult child 6 years ago when he was only 18 and he admitted for a long time that it was the best thing I ever did for him. Although he has relapsed and is going downhill at the moment, he straightened himself out for a long period of time because I stopped enabling. I remember my first alanon meeting listening to parents talk about how they had thrown their child out, wouldn't give them any money, etc. etc. etc. and I thought, OMG, no matter what my son does I could never throw him out. I think it was about 3 weeks later I did throw him out and it forced him to get the help he needed.

    I haven't had a lot of time to research exactly what disabilities your difficult child has, but it doesn't look like substance abuse from what I'm reading in this thread, so I'm just speaking of experience as to what worked for a while with my addict difficult child.
  12. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Here is the latest news: difficult child and her boyfriend were told to leave the friend's house and ended up paying for a ratty motel room for a week with no other plans of where they were going after that. Then, difficult child and boyfriend get into a fight, boyfriend smashes both of their cell phones and then cuts himself with a razor and is taken by ambulance to hospital and admitted to psychiatric ward. His parents are called and difficult child spend the night sleeping on two chairs in the waiting room. She has had nothing to eat for 17 hours and they won't let her see or talk to her boyfriend. So she calls my sister and asks if sis can give her a ride back to motel? Sis says no, so difficult child calls my brother and he goes and gets her, feeds her breakfast at a restaurant, tells her she looks smelly and dirty and then drops her off at her motel. She is told by motel manager that she has 30 minutes to leave and take all her stuff and that the payment for the room for a week was cancelled by her boyfriend's parents. (Don't know how they managed it, but anyway..) difficult child calls my sister again, asking if she can come get her, put her things in the storage unit and can she stay with her? My sister says no.. can't stay but she goes and gets her and ends up taking her back to the same friend's apt that she was put out of first of all. difficult child calls my mom now, using her laptop since the phone is smashed and tells my mom that she has family but no one will help her.. has no place to go.. crying and upsets my mom. My sister told difficult child that she is going to have to find a shelter to stay at but difficult child says no way is she going to a shelter. difficult child thinks she can stay at the friends for a couple days but after that...??? She keeps trying to get in touch with her boyfriend via email and he is not responding and we think the parents are going to convince him to go back home with them and leave difficult child behind. He has no phone now and all they have to do is cut off his internet, too. They are NOT GOOD for each other, obviously, but difficult child is obsessed with him now and said that she will scrape money together and find a way to catch a bus back to Minn if she has to. It sounds like a very bad idea. She knows no one in Minn other than boyfriend and his parents. She still has a lot of clothes and all her important papers at their house, too.

    I've advised my family members to resist letting her stay with them or they will be enabling her poor behavior and so far, they've minimally been involved giving her a ride or food. My brother said she ate like she had not eaten in days. She said she had not eaten for over 17 hours. She didn't seem to care that she had to wear dirty clothes and that she smelled. Sounds like she's a few steps away from skid row. My sister told her that a shelter would help her get ID, signed up for services, food, etc but difficult child still refuses. I wonder what she's got planned next? Homeless and broke in Minn? She better stay here where at least she has a few friends but I don't think she will listen to reason. It's going to be a hard and painful fall once she hits bottom.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. This scenario is playing out fast.

    I certainly hope difficult child is not obsessed with this boy. Autistic obsession is not a good thing in this sense. Trust me, been there done that and it was nerve wracking enough without any drama involved.

    A hunch tells me that difficult child's plans of happily ever after are falling apart and she is desperately attempting to put them back together again. You have to remember, you're dealing with a child's mind in an adult's body.

    I'd written you a fabulous response while I was sick.........and evidently didn't hit the send button. lol sigh But now you're in a crisis........

    If somehow you can get her past this point......... There is help out there if you can find it. There are halfway houses ect out there for people such as our kids who can't quite live independently. You just need to know they're there in order to search for them. We have one across the alley from us but they deal with adults who's functioning is even lower than our difficult children. I know because back when Travis was 18 I asked about him living there. We have an apartment complex too and staff check on the residents each day to make sure they're meeting basic daily needs ect. But that one I won't use because once I checked it out and saw it was run poorly.....nope. Until I knew to look for them though, I had no clue they even were out there.

    Hmm. I wonder if there is someone you can call to ask if the Danger to self and others doesn't apply in this situation. Because someone with the mind set of a child in an adult female body roaming the streets is putting herself in unlimited danger. Never hurts to ask.

    I will be praying for both you and difficult child. ((((hugs)))) I know you must be worried to death even though she has you frustrated beyond reason.
  14. Bean

    Bean Member

    Wow. Lots of moms with kicked-out kids. Count me in. Count me in on a daughter with a pre-teen mentality in an adult woman's body. Yup, it sucks to kick them out, sucks to have them out making foolish choices on their own. Sucks to be frightened, concerned, worrying about them. Sucks that they can't just WAKE UP and take a less tangled path. It all sucks. Guess that's my operative word for today.

    But then, for me, what doesn't suck? The attention I can give to the rest of my family. The peace in the home. Not worrying about finding a hiding spot for my purse (and anything else I value) constantly.

    I wish I knew how or why the worries and frustrations naturally seem to overshadow the other, more positive things. But, I guess when your kid is in pain, it's just flat out hard to let go and look away. It's unnatural, and we're training ourselves to do something that just doesn't come naturally.

    I often wonder why it seems easier (to my daughter) to spend so much time working everyone around her, rather than working a job. Wouldn't she rather the security? But, for her it's the addiction and mental health issues (and choices) she's making. She's choosing that right now. Does your daughter use at all? I didn't catch that.
  15. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Bean; As far as I know she's not using but the kids she's left to find to hang around with are smoking pot, drinking and I suspect worse. She's currently telling anyone who cares to ask that she's hypersexual and you know what kind of male attention that's bound to attract. She can't get enough sex from her boyfriend so she's willing to be with anyone else she runs across that she find attractive. Oh, and did I mention she left her birth control "ring" at her boyfriend's and is only using condoms, if that. Despite the fact she does not want kids.

    Yes, it is not natural to tell myself not to care, try to not worry about her. That's been my sole occupation since she was born and even moreso when I saw that she was a difficult child. Too sad that love alone won't cure it.
  16. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Obsessed with an autistic boy - yes, that is exactly what it is. I don't know exactly what his diagnosis is but I know she says he's Aspie and is a suicidal cutter. He seems to be devoid of feelings and merely mimics her when it comes to expressing love, joy, happiness.. even anger. He gets violent. He's always asking her, "How does that feel?" She feels like she can easily manipulate him, even physically. He is vulnerable and dangerous. He's never had a girlfriend before and I think he's as obsessed with her as she is with him. They say they will net nothing get between them. Right now, however, there is a long road between them or an 18 hour bus ride.

    The plot thickened. The parents of the boyfriend came to the hospital, collected their own difficult child son and flew him home on a plane, leaving my difficult child at the hospital. My difficult child talked her boyfriend the next day, into using his parent's credit card, and arranging for a bus ticket for her to come back to minn where he is. Also, he planned on having to meet her at the bus stop with his parents car and taking her to a motel. He would have to do this at 11 PM at night and lie and say he was going out to see a late movie. So, difficult child boarded the bus, got there and instead of him coming to get her, his parents took her to a hotel for the night and bought her a bus ticket home the very next morning, Her boyfriend got angry because they wouldn't let him go get her so he cut himself and was back in the hospital again, but this time, in his own state. There was talk of putting him in a group home and/or getting a restraining order against difficult child. They are serious. And at the same time, difficult child is trying to trump them. She talked to someone online who knew a little about group homes and he told difficult child that if the 21 year old did not live with parents then they could not force him into a group home as far as he knew. He said she definitely would not have any contact with him if he was in a group home. She was then sending email to the boyfriend, telling him that if he didn't want to be forced into a group home he would have to not live with parents. She's trying to manipulate him into moving out!

    This isn't the first autistic spectrum disorder boy she's been obsessed with. She averages a different one each year. The last one was too young by 4 years and his parents told her they were going to get a restraining order against her if she didn't stop encouraging him to run away and meet up with her. He was defiantly silent when it came to telling on her and never would say if they had any sexual contact. She finally gave up on him only after seeing he had a new girlfriend on facebook.

    I know nothing about halfway houses or group homes but I've given difficult child every phone number and address of where to go for help and so far she won't call or go to them. She has her mind set on being with her boyfriend, come hell or high water! She currently hiding out in some friend's house that she knew from Special Education school. He is supposed to be being homeschooled but is still getting in all sorts of trouble with the police outsied of school, like getting caught smoking on school property when he doesn't even attend school there. I know that if she gets some money, she will be on another bus to Minn once again to hook up with this boyfriend.