I feel left out because of difficult child#3

[nlg319]

I am so mad. I took difficult child#3 to the beach along with 2 of my friends. We met there, my 2 friends drove together in one van. My long time friend, C, is a foster parent and has 9 kids all together. 2 of them were at the beach with us...D is 8 and G is 3. My difficult child#3 gets along and plays great with both of them. My fairly new friend, J has 2 boys, Z and N, Z is 7 and N is 5, difficult child#3's age. N and difficult child#3 have issues everytime we get together. G is the only girl in the bunch. The boys played in the water, ran, looked for sea creatures and basically had a great time, except for N. He is very serious. He's the kind of kid who sits with the adults instead of playing with the other kids. So....my friend J spent most of the time telling N to go play with the kids and leave the adults alone to talk. If I yelled down to difficult child#3 not to go out too far, N would run down to the shore to yell at difficult child#3. I kept telling him that I could handle it. I even went as far to ask him not to repeat what I say to difficult child#3 as it gets difficult child#3 upset. N is playing the role of parent, and he does this to all of them. But...for my difficult child#3, he reacts. Now difficult child#3 is very physical, loves to wrestle, roughhouse etc. difficult child#3 and D play fight all the time and D knows that they are playing. So, D and difficult child#3 are play wrestling and N steps in to defend D and pushes difficult child#3 down. difficult child#3 WILL NOT be pushed around so he pushes him back and the fight begins. Both J and I talked to our boys about being nice, not pushing etc. But I continue to watch them. I know N is saying things that we cannot hear to provoke difficult child#3. So, difficult child#3 reacts by hitting or pushing and it looks like difficult child#3 is the problem. This lasted about 30 minutes. We decided we would head off the beach and go back to C's house for pizza. I could see that difficult child#3 had enough stimulation and decided against going back Occupational Therapist (OT) the house for pizza. Then J decides the same thing because her boys seemed to be overstimulated. So, we all walk back to our cars and C,J and all their kids fill the van. G was having a meltdown and wouldn't get in the van. All of a sudden, I hear J say to G, " Come on G, shhh, we're going back to J's house to swim and have pizza." G immediatley gets up and gets in the van.

They planned to go back to J's house but they must have planned it after I started walking back to the car. difficult child#3 and I were ready first so we started ahead of them and J and C tagged along.

I feel so left out and mad that they didn't invite us, and I know it is because of difficult child 3's behavior, when really N is the little brat! I wouldn't have even gone but it is the whole idea that they kept it secret and even told G to "sshh".

I hate this feeling!

 

[AllStressedOut]

I'm so sorry! I have not been invited to events that involve kids because of my difficult children too. Often its not even my difficult children who cause the problem, its someone elses kid who instigates it, but its my difficult child who gets caught. My difficult children don't get invited to the same things my PCs get invited to and they don't understand it either. I know how you feel, I hate that feeling!

 

[loricbme]

I feel for you and can completely relate. I made a friend through difficult child's preschool 2 years ago and by the end of the school year my friend said, "sometimes kids can't be friends even though their parents are friends." I knew what she meant and I've barely spoke with her since. It wasn't because I was offended or anything, I think with the year ending and because our kids were going to different grade schools we just lost touch. Her child has some issues that they were trying to get figured out and I felt like she and the teachers really babied her son. He was always whining and tattling and freaking out if difficult child touched anything that was his. Well, difficult child just feeds off of this behavior and becomes impulsive and taunting. It was awful. I felt left out of a lot of gatherings of moms with-kids in that preschool class.

Recently, difficult child and I were out walking our dogs in the neighborhood and she saw two neighbor girl friends. When they saw difficult child coming their way they ran into one of the girls houses and shut the doors. When difficult child went to the door and rang the doorbell they didn't answer. It broke my heart. But difficult child seemed clueless as to why they would do that. It's funny how it runs uphill. It's like the kids misbehave and we are punished by our peers. It is very isolating to have a difficult child. I spent all last week visiting family out of state with difficult child and got so many looks from relatives that I could feel the tension. I finally had to sit down with my mom and sister and say, "see???? do you understand now what I've been trying to tell you for 3 years???" They finally said yes and my sister went as far as to say that my difficult child is not a normal 6-7 year old. I said, "I KNOW!" It's so frustrating because they only see difficult child about twice per year. So my mom always says, "it just sounds like normal behavior at her age."

I hate feeling left out but it seems that I'm getting used to it. I'm more amazed when we're invited for a play date. It's so rare.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

It does stink to feel that way. But things have a way of evening out. One time you will get the short end of the stick because of difficult child's actions. Another time, difficult child will be an angel, and someone else's kid will act up, and they will be left out.

I have tried to let these things roll off my back. In this particular case, yes, you got shorted out of a pizza date, but your difficult child WAS overstimulated. It probably would not have been pleasant. You guys were better off ending the outing at that time anyways, so your difficult child probably did you a favor. And you said you don't really know J that well. She may even be one of those people that say things to their kids to get them to do things (ie, we are going to C's for pizza just to get him to get into the car, even if they are not really going for pizza). Hey, you never know!

I am sorry your feelings got hurt. You know, sometimes 3 friends are a crowd, too. (((((((hugs)))))))

 

[meowbunny]

I'm so sorry. It really sounds like N should be the one to not be invited, not your son. I'm not sure what kind of a friend I would call J. To me, this is someone I would not want to spend a lot of time with. She triangulated your kids. She basically lied to you and how could she invite your child without your permission?

But add me to the list who understands this feeling of losing friends for a child's behavior. When my daughter was younger, I lost a lot of friends, but I looked at it as getting of unwanted baggage. If they couldn't accept my child, I didn't want to have anything to do with them. Fortunately, she's now at an age where I can do things without her and am gradually making friends that accept both of us.

 

[nlg319]

Thanks for the support. I think I am just in a funky mood. I must be due for my period. The weather has turned cool today and I wish I could climb into bed for the night...My 2 oldest kids are going to the mall with my mom for dinner...funny how my mom didn't even ask to take difficult child#3! Once again makes me feel so sad for him. With his speech delay, a lot of kids his age think he is a baby because they can't understand him. I just feel like crying...

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I can relate! My difficult child does not have a speech problem, but she gets left out of everything. Including her, there are 12 kids in the 2 buildings here. They leave her out every time. It rips my heart out.

Not 100% sure, but I think it might be, oh I don't know...her seething anger problem...

 

[Sunlight]

I think many of us have been treated differently because of our kids. such small minded people. then again, because of my kid, I met all of you ..... lol some great company to keep I think!