I feel like giving up ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by shellyd67, Apr 27, 2012.

  1. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I'm a shell of who I used to be. An utter shell.

    husband and I aren't connected like we once were.

    difficult child is in constant trouble at school. His defiance is off the charts. Disrespect in full effect.

    I don't want to do this anymore.

    difficult child has had test after test.

    Tried RX after RX.

    He is scheduled for Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) test in July. (that is the soonest they could squeeze him in)

    I want to get in my car (with easy child of course) and just keep driving.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So so sorry. I have moved closer to feeling like this some days so I really hurt for you. Seems like first things first, you and husband need to find some way to reconnect. What happens with difficult child....that will be stressful for sure but you describe husband as sweet/loving and your rock....there is something there to save it seems (???).... Does he know you feel this way?

    Lots of cyber hugs for you, just stinks to feel like that.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. Last night my husband had a long talk with-difficult child supposedly about taking him into the local psychiatric hospital for a wk, and they talked for 1/2 hr. When I brought up a glass of wine and got my pjs, to sit in bed and talk, husband said, "I don't want to talk any more."
    Uh ...
    "Did you accomplish anything? Did you talk to difficult child about the hospital?"
    "No. He opened up and told me lots of things and I'll bring it up another time."
    Then he buried his head in a map of Gettysburg or someplace featured in a Civil War issue of Nat'l Geo.

    WtH is the POINT of doing any of this? I'm right there with you.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Shelly -
    been there done that. {{hugs}} I mean... wanting to run away, not actually doing it.

    Does he have an IEP?
    Any chance the school would agree to begin treating him "as though he had the Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) diagnosis"?
    I.e. start the accommodations and perhaps interventions early?
    Interventions might be harder to get unless you're in an Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)-aware school with extra personal FM systems hanging around (our school usually has one or two "old" machines as back-up... which can be borrowed for situations like this).
    Accommodations are free... it just takes effort. All instructions to be backed up by written, for example.

    It might take some of the pressure off of difficult child. Even just to know that the personal FM system actually makes a difference... just KNOWING that there really is a problem and it isn't just attitude... made a HUGE difference to our difficult child.
  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    husband is just as beat down and frustrated. I know he wants to save our marriage and so do I but it just seems we can't get on the same page.

    He is softer of difficult child and makes LOTS of excuses for him. Even if difficult child strikes out at him he will say he was just playing around.

    husband always says his head is not in the sand but in my humble opinion it is partially buried.

    I am depressed and crying sometimes and just shut down at other times.

    This is not a normal healthy environment for easy child to grow up in either.

    My husband and I are good, hardworking people and we many times have said "it was the cards we were dealt" but sometimes I want to fold :sad-very:
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Is he open to therapy??
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Shelley, I have felt exactly the same way that you are feeling. There have been many times that if I could have packed up easy child and myself and just left difficult child and husband behind I would have done it. But the reality is that that would prove in difficult child's mind what he has been saying all along "You love easy child and you don't love me!" Plus the fact that I want my marriage to work, even though I think that husband's head is in the sand (see my post about the wrong answer).

    If he is willing to try counseling, maybe give it a try. At least you will both be able to get your feelings out and try to work things out. I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. I wish I could help.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding hugs. My husband is not much of a communicator. Some years ago he simply said "I can not listen or talk anymore about the problems. I'm sorry..I just can't." He meant it and I have abided to it. on the other hand we are much older and he has to focus solely on the good in order to have a satisfactory quality of life. I'm sorry. Of course a couple should be able to share well. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. DDD
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Shelly... there IS hope.
    husband was much harder on difficult child than I was. He didn't believe there was a problem... I was spending huge efforts finding answers. Put a huge strain on our relationship, on top of difficult child strain.

    Once we hit the wall... I knew which buttons to press, but couldn't make them "buzz"... and he got on-side real fast and pushed every button I pointed to... and we (finally) started getting answers.

    Now, he reminds difficult child that "if it wasn't for Mom"... and he tells me, over and over, that he's glad I insisted and persisted...

    But... when you're in the middle of this stuff? It's horrid. For EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.
  10. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I posted a very long reply a few minutes ago but it didn't seem to post ?

    husband is a very good husband to me. Loving, affectionate, and treats me as his equal. It is worth working on our marriage but as far as difficult child, husband is soft, makes tons of excuses, etc.

    I resent him for that. difficult child will be disrespectful and he will correct him but that is it. husband is not respectful to me in anyway but "kind of" lets difficult child off the hook . He does yell and lecture when difficult child speaks to me this way but nothing is done about it and it continues.

    I am disgusted
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. It does get better, as you start getting answers. (why does THAT have to take so long!).
    Meanwhile... if you need a knot or two for the end of your rope, let me know... I have a few left over...
  12. keista

    keista New Member


    See if the two of you can make some time to reconnect. While parenting is a really important job, it's only supposed to be part of your relationship. Ideally your marriage together will last longer than your roles as active parents. Make some time for that.
  13. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Thanks everyone for your kind words. husband and I have some serious talking to do this weekend and the days ahead ... I really appreciate all of you ...


    Shelly...I feel exactly the same way most days. I don't know how I'm still functioning, even with anti-depressants. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen to me...you're NOT alone.
  15. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    husband came home from work and we had a few minutes alone to talk. It got ugly and he left to go pick up the kids at the baseball field (our neighbor took them)

    I was trying to explain to him how hard it is for me to sometimes not live a "normal" life because of difficult child. I just never know what is going to happen and we don't go many places because I just can't keep him in control and it can be disheartening,embarrassing and the list goes on. He said that was ridiculous and I shouldn't feel that way and worry about what other people think.

    Well excuse me I don't take to kindly to him disrespecting me and being defiant in front of my grandparents or aunts and uncles. It is mortifying even though they are aware of his issues it still is like a slap in the face. It is hard for me to accept this sometimes. Not all the time just being beat down all these years is taking a toll on me.

    difficult child and I have both had professional help and I suggested it to husband that we all go and he said maybe we should. MAYBE? whatever dude !
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of (((((hugs))))). I have definitely felt like you more than once. So many times packing up and heading to a tropical island has seemed like the best thing to do. Raising a difficult child is so wearing that feeling like giving up (I think) is normal. Sending warm thoughts your way and hoping things start to look up soon.
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I understand, too. Sending supportive hugs.
  18. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Hey, at least you got a "maybe." I've suggested this to my husband and I always get "No!" Unless "maybe" is his way of saying no.
  19. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    husband used to be soft on Kanga because she was always a sweet daddy's girl when he was around. I felt like you have described.

    What helped me was to schedule some things to pamper myself (even just a day of window shopping but I prefered a massage). I also did things with the other kids and left Kanga home with husband.
  20. llamafarm

    llamafarm Member

    I am sorry for how you are feeling. We have been there too. I started writing on here when I was feeling so terrible. We seem to have a lull right now, of course a lull for us is still a very hectic and difficult situation for anyone without a difficult child. But we (husband and I) are able to breathe again and talk. One of our best moves was respite. We tried for a long time to get on that and now that we have it we are lucky that difficult child will go. He was gone last night and all the rest of us really did was relax and live regular lives for a 24 hr period. Find someone to help. get a break when you can. Relatives or friends, a service, respite or a sitter. Take some time.
    Thinking of you.