Hi people. This is the first ever forum I have ever written on. My 11 yr old daughter's anger and intensity is driving me to a dark place I fear I am going to get lost in. I was married about 2 years ago and my then husband gave my girls a smack for playing out on the main road where we lived. I was away at the time. I don't agree with what he did but I think he was trying to help me as he had seen just how hard it was to parent her. I also have a 9 year old daughter. Due to the smacking the girls bio dad & his mother called authorities and about a week before xmas they were illegally (did not know at the time) removed from my care. I did not see them for 7 months and it killed me. Knowing that real mental, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of their bio dad was going on but not dealt with made it so much harder. After finally being able to see them after 7 months I had them as many weekends as I could...At this point I left my husband and I have not seen him since. Then I got a call about a year later that my 11 yr old had been assaulted by her dad and they told authorities it was not first time. They wanted to keep my kids with him so when I picked them up for a weekend visit...I never took them back. I got custody and a parenting order. The girls have heard from their dad twice in 6 months. My 11 year old puts tremendous pressure on me. Nothing ever seems to be good enough. She's very fussy and has to have things a certain way...I could handle that alone but it's how she reacts when it's not done properly. She moans, whines, cries and if I don't give in...She will start screaming. Then comes the verbal abuse. I wish you were not alive. I hate you. Why do you hate me? I want to live with my dad. EVERYTHING seems to be a complaint. Every morning is hell...With her horrible attitude and her high pitched complaining over seemingly anything...That voice immediately causes such great stress and I quickly start feeling extremely agitated. I feel like I work so hard to help our family and my daughter just fights me every single step of the way. I know she is hurting - we all are. After a huge "episode" of her meltdowns she says she loves me and she's sorry...I do think she means it. I think she hates what's going on too...But I don't know how much more of this I can handle...I drive 2 hours a day all up just to take them to the same school when we moved for some stability. Often times she's in the car yelling and crying...This mornings drive she hit my on the shoulder twice. I turn the music up when she's screaming as I am trying to concentrate on driving...This sends her into almost rage. I have arranged some therapy for her which we will start soon. I love her very much and I know she genuinely feels I don't care about her...I try and explain that just as she does not do things she should and still loves me that it's the same for me. Before when I had my girls full time I never called them names...Not once...Now though, I find my anger so intense I called her the C word this morning...I feel so ashamed and guilty. At the time I feel like she's an adult talking to me that way so i'll talk to her like one too...So wrong though, I know. I hate that resort to calling her a little sh** etc etc...I hate myself for it. There's just no peace anymore. I hate my life and how it is. If it were not for the immense pain i'd be leaving my kids with I would take things into my own hands. I often daydream about driving off road on my way back home from taking them to school. I have no real family support at all and it's been that way since I was younger myself. I am terrified of what the future will bring with her and the thought of escape feels better than the dark reality i'm left facing every day.