I feel like giving up

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Hailee, Nov 29, 2016.

  1. Hailee

    Hailee New Member

    Hi people. This is the first ever forum I have ever written on.

    My 11 yr old daughter's anger and intensity is driving me to a dark place I fear I am going to get lost in.

    I was married about 2 years ago and my then husband gave my girls a smack for playing out on the main road where we lived. I was away at the time. I don't agree with what he did but I think he was trying to help me as he had seen just how hard it was to parent her. I also have a 9 year old daughter. Due to the smacking the girls bio dad & his mother called authorities and about a week before xmas they were illegally (did not know at the time) removed from my care. I did not see them for 7 months and it killed me. Knowing that real mental, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of their bio dad was going on but not dealt with made it so much harder.

    After finally being able to see them after 7 months I had them as many weekends as I could...At this point I left my husband and I have not seen him since. Then I got a call about a year later that my 11 yr old had been assaulted by her dad and they told authorities it was not first time. They wanted to keep my kids with him so when I picked them up for a weekend visit...I never took them back. I got custody and a parenting order. The girls have heard from their dad twice in 6 months.

    My 11 year old puts tremendous pressure on me. Nothing ever seems to be good enough. She's very fussy and has to have things a certain way...I could handle that alone but it's how she reacts when it's not done properly. She moans, whines, cries and if I don't give in...She will start screaming. Then comes the verbal abuse. I wish you were not alive. I hate you. Why do you hate me? I want to live with my dad. EVERYTHING seems to be a complaint. Every morning is hell...With her horrible attitude and her high pitched complaining over seemingly anything...That voice immediately causes such great stress and I quickly start feeling extremely agitated. I feel like I work so hard to help our family and my daughter just fights me every single step of the way. I know she is hurting - we all are. After a huge "episode" of her meltdowns she says she loves me and she's sorry...I do think she means it. I think she hates what's going on too...But I don't know how much more of this I can handle...I drive 2 hours a day all up just to take them to the same school when we moved for some stability. Often times she's in the car yelling and crying...This mornings drive she hit my on the shoulder twice. I turn the music up when she's screaming as I am trying to concentrate on driving...This sends her into almost rage.

    I have arranged some therapy for her which we will start soon. I love her very much and I know she genuinely feels I don't care about her...I try and explain that just as she does not do things she should and still loves me that it's the same for me. Before when I had my girls full time I never called them names...Not once...Now though, I find my anger so intense I called her the C word this morning...I feel so ashamed and guilty. At the time I feel like she's an adult talking to me that way so i'll talk to her like one too...So wrong though, I know. I hate that resort to calling her a little sh** etc etc...I hate myself for it.

    There's just no peace anymore. I hate my life and how it is. If it were not for the immense pain i'd be leaving my kids with I would take things into my own hands. I often daydream about driving off road on my way back home from taking them to school. I have no real family support at all and it's been that way since I was younger myself.

    I am terrified of what the future will bring with her and the thought of escape feels better than the dark reality i'm left facing every day.
     
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Hallie

    How does your daughter do in school?

    Does she act out? Does she have friends? Does the school have any concerns with her behavior?

    Did she do this before CPS got involved or is this just happening since you got the kids back?

    More people will come along, but I thought I would just let you know that we are here and listening.

    Apple
     
  3. Hailee

    Hailee New Member

    Hi Apple, thank you for that.

    No, she's always been more difficult...I think it started when she first went to school...She wouldnt (& still wont) wear certain clothing like jeans etc. She's physically hurt me when trying to get her ready for school although that has not happened for years. She usually gets up, gets everything done and is ready to go each morning now for the most part.

    She would often throw up though...& this went on for YEARS...I thought it was milk at first & the dr could give me no explanation so we would experiment with foods. She has not thrown up for about 4 months now...She also gets bad night terrors although has not had one for a few weeks...I was able to calm her down when she would run out of bed screaming a blood chilling shriek. She would not remember moments later.

    Actually, apparently she is doing very well at school...This morning I dropped her off for camp (and it was a horrendous morning hence this post) and as she walked through the gate she put her mask on...The "I am totally fine" mask...She does well in school, she does her homework by herself...She usually keeps her room tidy...Pretty organized for her age.

    Her and I banter a lot together, tease each other jokingly, even some times playfight which she loves doing...Tickles etc etc...But the moment something stresses her out I immediately tense up because I know what's coming.

    She usually can't open packages or do "normal" things...Not sure if this is some kind of lack of confidence. I used to think she was just lazy with that kind of thing but now im not so sure...She struggles with really simple things sometimes like she doesnt know 'how' yet she is INCREDIBLY intelligent and knows human behaviour quite well and how to read people and sometimes manipulate them...Which I think most ppl do to a certain degree...She's learned how to make it look like she's ok when she's not from me...But deep down she is very, very sensitive. She can really hold a grudge against people even with the slightest offense...Even if only imagined. I can see almost like a borderliney thing going on...Some parts of that I saw in myself and it took me a long time to realize what I do now & see things in a wider & healthier view...Im desperately trying to tell her these things. She listens. She responds. It's just when she gets stressed (and its often) all hell can literally break loose...

    Thanks again!
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Has she ever been diagnosed with anything?

    Sounds like there are some problems unrelated to the CPS situation. I would ask her doctor for a referral for some diagnostic testing.

    She is way too old for some of these things to be 'normal'.

    Hopefully, someone will come along with some more concrete ideas.

    Apple
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    First off, I'd stay away from any man who would smack her. It's bad enough her dad does it. Boyfriends or stepparents...to me they aren't related and should stay out of strict discipline. That's what I did when I remarried. Your ex and her father sound sadly like violent men.

    Sounds like your daughter has been born with some personality challenges and the moving around did not help. At all. Could anyone have sexuAlly molested her? No, she would not have e told you necessarily.

    At eleven of a kid acts out and is mean to us, they are hurting. I am loathe to say a child that young is verbally abusing anyone
    She clearly pro ably could use an evaluation for a disorder plus intensive therapy. This child has been through too much. She needs help in my opinion more than punishment.

    Having said that I know you love her dearly and want to help her. That is my take on the best way to help her. She is getting to the teens years. I'd be very proactive now. Once she hits her teens there may be no going back. She needs to learn to appropriately express her fear and anger or it can lead to things like self hatred and drugs later on.

    A good female therapist can get her to express herself more than Mom. Please don't try to fix this yourself.

    Lastly I think you need therapy too. It is extremely inappropriate to call anyone, let alone an 11 year old child, the c word. Maybe you need help with your temper or parenting that difficult child. But you clearly need and deserve guidance. Be good to yourself and get the help.

    Hugs and tons of luck.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2016