I feel like Im dying inside!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, May 20, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I feel so weak right now, I had a melt down at work today and felt like a total goof!! But I really cant handle this thing with my daughter. Whenever I get back into her life it only lasts about 2 years and we are at it again. Its like each time she gets back in my life she trys really hard to butter me up and be nice so i will do things for her, which like a fool I do because each time I think there is hope, but when she cant get what she wants....this time it is moving in with me then she goes back to her mean personality and starts accusing me of not ever being there for her emotionally...this time she has given me 2 years to get close to my grandson, so now she says I am closer to my new grandson then hers!! She told me I have never been there for her in 39 years. She will be 40 in feb. I dont know how to get close to her because every time i think its possible it blows up in my face! in the last 2 years I have bought them groceries, clothes, shoes, and have provided everything for my grandson, anything he has ever needed i have provided.And now because I refuse to let her move in she is really throwing daggers at me !! She had a good childhood, we made sure she was in everything and we provided all her needs. I just cant believe that none of that counts. She just wants rescued so she can sit at my house and do nothing with her life....I really couldn't handle it!!
  2. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    I do the same thing with my difficult child 2 who is a single father and our special needs grandson and my difficult child 1 who is in prison. The former got a 10-day eviction warning and the latter asked if he could move in with us when he gets out. No. No. No. No. They will say and do what your daughter is doing to you. It's a ploy. At the ages my kids are the words are not of genuine hurt or injury, they are used to manipulate. ANY adult child that has had a halfway decent upbringing who is still clamoring for more is out of line. My husband and I have what we call "The Vow". It is that we will never live under the same roof as our children no matter what chaos they create in their lives. If our good example and good parenting couldn't shape them in 26/30 years, it sure as heck isn't going to benefit them now.

    I have asked the same thing about "counting". When my difficult child 2 was planning to spend his tax return on fun things I gently pointed out that he had yet to be fully supporting his son. We were still paying for all clothes, shoes, toys etc. for almost 5 years now. No the stuff we do doesn't count because to count it has to be appreciated. With kids like ours it's expected. They are entitled. Draw a line, make a vow, keep your space sacred. It sounds like they are impinging on your life more than enough without moving in with you too. I wish you luck. I will be facing the same questions in 9 days for the eviction episode and on June 9 for the prison release. I just keep repeating in my head, "the vow, the vow, the vow".
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is very possible that your daughter suffers from a personality disorder. People with personality disorders tend to cut in and out and drop you like yesterday's trash and since she has a habit of doing that, it would not surprise me. It isn't your fault if she has one and there is really nothing you can do about it. Your daughter has to stop blaming you for her problems and get help for her very real ones. I'll post a link about personality disorders. Of course, I'm not sure she has one. It could be drugs. She could just be mean. But she does have that pattern of "you're in my life, you're not in my life." I sadly had to live with that with my mother and sister and I'm done. With people who have these disorders, eentually you will say and or something "wrong" and they will cut you out and blame you for it. It doesn't stop unless they get help and take some of the responsibility.

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  4. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    This is the time in your life when you have to put yourself first. I know what it's like going to work on the verge of tears and shakey. I called out so many times that everyone where I work knows my story. You need to silence the threats and guilt she puts on you. I had to block my phone for now. I have found that the longer I can go without crying, the stronger I feel. I have gone for 3 days now without crying and the panic has eased up. I do admit I have an arsenal of my essential oils that help me make it through. I am developing my tool box they talk about on this site. I know at my age and being alone, I can't put myself in a situation to be afraid in my own home ever again. I have to close the door to any thought that I can change my son. I can only change me and my thought process. I always believe there is hope but I know he won't find his hope and answer in me. I'm sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
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  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I know how difficult this is. Do you have any kind of support system in place -- a therapist, a NAMI support group? Ifnot, I urge you to get involved with one to help you through this.

    I will tell you what my own therapist said to me, when things were at their worst with my youngest in particular. She said, "you are in an abusive relationship -- with your daughter." It was like a slap in the face, hearing that, but it was absolutely true. Why was I putting up with such treatment?! I began working then and there to build stronger boundaries, and to ditch the guilt she was trying to dump on me. I had to get angry about it, angry at HER (i.e., "how dare she treat me like this!"), instead of sad and self-deprecating (had to ditch the "what did I do to deserve this!).. and that started pushing me through.

    Sounds like you're in a similar situation. Your daughter is an adult. You owe her nothing. She owes you everything. You don't have to explain any of your reasons to her, or justify your behavior, even if she asks. Get mad!

    It's tough to break out of an abusive relationship of any kind - but when it's your child doing this to you - it's not like you can divorce them. It's painful and difficult. You do, however, need support to get through it - someone who can remain impartial and help you set up some goals to detach yourself from the situation.

    Hang in there.
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you!!

    The others that have responded have given you some excellent advice. I agree with them.

    One thing I have learned is to never underestimate the power of manipulation that our Difficult Child possess. They are very good at leading us on. They will do and say all the right things. They will tell us what our ears long to hear and they will show us what our eyes long to see. It is this that can give us the parents a sense of hope but it's false hope. They hope we will let our guard down and start "helping" them again.

    As your daughter has proven as soon as she asked for something and you said "NO" the true personality comes out.

    I am so sorry that your little grandchild is caught in the middle. It's so unfair when a child is used as a pawn.

    It's also very typical of our Difficult Child to blame us, the parents for how messed up their lives are. My son has also blamed me and said the same types of things that your daughter has told you. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the "you were never there for me" I'd have a couple extra thousand dollars. When my son would say those things I would remind him that I was always there in court for him, that I paid rent for him, bought him clothes, a car, etc............ Of course he would rebuttal with "Ya, whatever but you were never there for me emotionally"
    It doesn't matter how much "truth" you give them they won't believe you. They have their minds set that we the parents are horrible to them.

    You do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

    Again, I agree with the advice the others have given. As much as it hurts because of your grandchild, you need to distance yourself from her. From what you have said this is not the first time you have been sucked back into the Difficult Child vortex. Learn from this, gain strength from this so that you won't be vulnerable again.

    Stay close to this site, keep posting, keep reading what others have gone through, find encouragement and tools that you can use. Childofmine coined it "our toolbox" learn from others here and put those lessons into your toolbox and use them.

    You will get through this. There are many here that have been where you are, we have survived. You too can go on to live a happy life.

    Hang in there!!
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good Morning SoTired,
    Just checking in to see how you are doing.
  8. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Awwww thank you for your concern!! I love this site, it is my rock!! I am hangin in there, I picked up my grandson yesterday...he was soooo happy to see me!! His grandpa brought him out and put him in my car. My daughter wouldnt come out of the house and her boyfriend said about 2 words to me...but we had an awesome day together and that made me feel better.
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh how wonderful that you got to spend the day with your sweet grandson.
    I am so happy you are here. It is a wonderful site full of warrior parents.
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  10. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I love you all so much !!!! I thank GOD I found this site!! I cant believe the irony in everything I hear...Its like OMG my daughter says and does that exact thing! I hope I grow to be as strong as you ! I think my biggest fear is that she will end up dead. She has attempted suicide 3 times and that just hangs over my head like a dark cloud!
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  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm glad you found this site too. We are happy to have you here.

    You are learning new coping skills and growing stronger every day.

    Don't let your fear of what could happen consume you. I'm so sorry that you have had the heartache of your daughter's suicide attempts. That's a heartache no parent should ever have to experience.

    My son has threatened suicide numerous times and claims he has tried a few times. I do not take it lightly. It hurts to know that my one and only child may someday choose to end his own life. I have had to come to accept this. I used to worry about it and obsess over it. I would have a hard time sleeping wondering about him, what is he doing right now, is he safe, is today the day he kills himself. I would literally make myself sick with worry. I had to change my way of thinking about my son for my own health. I am a cancer survivor and stress is not good for me. I realized I was too focused on my son and what he was doing and not focusing on my own health. I had to let it all go. I had to accept that I did not have any control over my son or his choices. Little by little, day by day, it got easier to accept and let go. I am prepared that someday I may receive that dreaded phone call. I am also prepared that I may never get that phone call and the days, months, years may pass , and I will not hear from my son and I will never know if he's alive or dead. I hold my son in my heart and I pray for him, that's all I can do.

    This is my reality and accepting it has brought me not only peace but freedom. I was finally able to take my life back and start truly living not just existing. I have filled my life with things that bring me joy. I take care of myself, my emotional well being, and my health. My life is good.

    This journey that we have found ourselves on is the hardest one we will ever have to travel. Going through cancer was a piece of cake compared to dealing with a Difficult Child.

    You are doing well SoTired. You are here and you are not alone.

    ((HUGS)) to you..................
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The cruelty in this makes me reel with nausea.

    Our children have become our perpetrators, manipulating us by our love for who they have been, and at heart may still be. Manipulating us by our hope for them, our fear for them.

    They know our softest spots, our deepest shames, and most tender bone. And to seek advantage they exploit these private parts.

    Or failing that, they take their revenge when we have cut off the giving train, now wised up.

    Because they have the goods on us, they take their revenge. Because they can.

    Hostages of love we are. Until we chose not to be.
    I do not know yet how to be this parent now out of the limbo in which most of us still live.

    For now, I have unplugged our phones.

    I am letting go.

    I no longer want to participate in whatever it is we have been doing.

    I have let go of my end. Let him handle his own.

    I am offering no resistance either way. I am neither in or out. Neither off or on. Not up or down.

    The thing is, I don't know now where I am, when I am no longer in relation to him.
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  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Years ago I would have never imagined that I would be where I am now with my emotions concerning my son. It has taken me years to get to this place but it is a place of peace.

    If someone were to ask me "when did this happen" I would not be able to pinpoint the exact time. I have been on this journey for a long time, in the beginning there were so many twists, turns and deep dark valleys. Somewhere along the way I started to realize that I had to let go of all the pain, fear and worry. It was a slow process.

    I have learned how to deal with my emotions however this does not mean that I still don't have days where I have to "get out my toolbox" and dig through it.

    One thing that has helped me along the way is to have a realistic amount of hope for my son. I have read stories of people who have really turned their lives around after years of drugs, alcohol and homelessness so I know that it is possible. That gives me hope for my son, however, I temper this with reality. I will always have hope but I do not dwell on that hope just as I do not dwell on the pain and fear that used to consume me.

    I will never "like" the way my son is living his life but I do have to accept it. It is through that acceptance that I was able to let go and get to a place of peace on my journey.
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That's the thing. It's so hard to see it that way when it's our own children, or our own families (or friends) treating us badly. I think there is something here too about what we go through with our kids changing what we feel is appropriate treatment from those we interact with in other areas ~ even in our professional lives. We begin looking so hard for where we went wrong with our children that we become vulnerable to mistreatment in other ways. We listen from a different perspective, and not from our sane minds. We see others whose children are okay, and we believe there must be something, some essential something, they know and we don't know, about how to live a life. I think that is a good way to describe it.

    I feel this way, too. Especially in the beginning, we are without defense. It's overwhelming. All our attention goes to that fearsome place where we live from when ~ when we just can't believe this is happening. There is that sense of dissonance, of disreality, and nothing makes sense. And it matters more than anything in the world, and we don't know how to do this.

    I liked the way Albatross described that place for us: "But we live in the rabbit hole now."

    I must only be in the beginning of acceptance. But I am working very hard to find freedom.

    It must have something to do with codependence. I really hate that term. That is how it was too, when SWOT first posted that our own adult children could be abusive to us. I was like, "No they can't." But I just couldn't stay away from those threads.

    Sure enough.


    And knowing that is a whole other place of rebellious disbelief / dissonance / disreality.

    Beautifully and precisely written, Copa.

    I found the part about offering no resistance an especially helpful concept. It is what it is gives us that same information but without the words to know how to begin.

    "...offering no resistance...." This imagery works perfectly for my FOO issues, too. For every difficult or pleasurable thing in life. Also the phrase about not knowing, once we have given up resistance, where we are. So, we can go back to offering no resistance and know that is where we are.

    Thank you, Copa.

    I am so grateful for that concept of tool box that COM gave all of us. Even when I can't find what I need there, I return to myself somehow in gathering my forces to search through that thing we call tool box. I am the one looking, right? So I come back to myself from that shocked place. I might be sad, but at least I am present, again.

    This is another strong and joyful thing parents of troubled kids do not have that parents whose families are intact do have. For them, identity can safely be taken in a job well done. We learn to place guards around, to place permeable kinds of barriers around, even hope. Around even that sense of things are better, and we are going to be okay.

    I am glad we can do that. But I am also saying that we have to be almost superhumanly strong to do that, and to accept and live with what we know; things those other parents, those with whom we interact in our lives, do not even have a whiff of a clue about.

    We are very strong; this is very hard, what we do.

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  15. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you sooo much!! I read the article on Borderline Personality Disorder.....That fits her in every aspect!! Now next...if she has a disorder that she cant control that puts me back in feeling guilty mode! Although she has been to many a therapist which she ends up seeing a couple of times and then quits because she says They are worthless and have no idea what they are talking about! The last one I think was kinda scared of her...as am I sometimes. I just wish I new how to get help for her and knew how to handle her, because when she starts throwing daggers at me I just run for the hills and dont want anything to do with her!! Is that right for a mom to feel this way? Whether she can help it or not she causes alot of chaos in the family. We still talk about the Christmas of 2002 she went off the hook and started yelling at everyone, she had most of us crying, it was awful, she ruins EVERY holiday
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Well, she CAN learn to control it, but it is up to her. It's not like she can't stop saying what she says or doing what she does. If somebody robs you blind and is aware they are doing it and don't care, for example, just because they are borderline doesn't excuse it nor does it make her safe for you. These people are not insane in any way. They know what they are saying and doing.

    The problem with personality disordered people is that most never get any better because they don't admit anything is wrong and they won't go for serious and deep and often self-challenging therapy. And if she has borderline there is very specific therapy for that called dialectal behavioral therapy and it requires a long term commitment and tons of hard work. Most borderlines do not want to do it and do not change.And many families find they can not have their personality disordered daughter or son around or it is unpleasant and/or even dangerous to others.There is no way to handle her. She has to be the one to desperately want to change and to get help for herself and work hard on herself. Maybe you need to have separate holidays...one with everyone else and one with her.

    Don't excuse her. She can get better if she wants to and excusing it will only make her more determined to stay he way she is. Also, there is nobody here who can diagnose yoru daughter. She just sounds like the type of person who is overly hard to deal with and doesn't care who she hurts...that is the hallmark of personality disorders. It is always everybody else's fault. It is never their fault. See? That's why I thought of it.

    I have a book you may want to pick up.

    Remember, nobody gets better while they are using drugs.

    Last edited: May 25, 2015
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That is just how I would be, too. It's the surprise in it. One minute, everything can be fine and the next, somebody is crying and we don't even know who to comfort or what happened and our time together is ruined.

    I agree with this.

    Could you make a suggestion that when she begins feeling her control slip, whether with you or in her life in general, that she journal through it? Would that be helpful, do you think? It would be a god conversation to have too in the sense that you could figure out, from the nature of her response, whether she wants to behave this way, or whether she is looking for help in changing her behaviors.

    Knowing that would help you know how to respond in future.

    We had a thread going here once about troubled kids and holidays or birthdays or pretty much any family event. This kind of behavior seems to be something they all do, but we were never able to figure out why, or what to do about it.

  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I completely agree with SWOT.

    Cedar has given a really good suggestion here.

    None of us want to see our children struggle through life no matter what age they are. The bottom line is this, our adult children all have it within themselves to help themselves. They all seam to manage to find a way to get their drugs and alcohol and some do this without holding a job. This proves they are resourceful. This dictates that they could help themselves but the key in all of this is they have to desire it and be willing to put in the work.

    Yes, you should feel that way. Just because it's your child that is treating you this way does not mean that you should stand for it. If a complete stranger treated you the way she does you would not stand for it.
    This is where setting clear boundaries comes into play. You see when we "ignore" their bad behavior that really sends a message to them that they can continue to treat us like crap. Setting a clear boundary and telling our Difficult Child that we will not tolerate being treated with such disrespect lets them know we are serious. To be clear, for boundaries to be successful you must be willing to follow through.
    Example: You have told your daughter that you will not tolerate her treating you with such disrespect. Now imagine you are hosting Christmas 2002 and things are going ok then all of a sudden your daughter starts going off on everyone. As calmly as you can you tell her she is out of control and needs to leave, that you will not allow her to subject everyone to such chaos and if she doesn't leave you will call the police. This lets your daughter know you are serious.
    I know how hard it is to call the police on your own child, I've had to do it a few times.

    As for helping your daughter, what will help her is that she has to be held accountable for her actions.

  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    To say it all a slightly different way...

    The only way someone with a personality disorder can change is to recognize and accept that they need to change and need help to do it, AND be willing to put in a huge effort for moderate change. There are some who get help. It can be done. But you can't "get help for her". SHE has to get help for herself.

    And yes, that really hurts.
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  20. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I think we get stuck in a circle that goes like this: My child is in trouble. I am desperate because all those things I know are not working. No one else seems to know where this started or how to help either. Maybe he/she is right when she says what she says, when she thinks what she thinks about me and does what she does to me. When we are taking responsibility for our situations with that kind of thinking, we are working from the crazy, unbelievable end of it to find a new way to begin. We need to stop that. We know in our hearts how our children were raised. We would never have found or posted in or been able to take comfort from this site had we not been decent, committed parents who took joy in our children. Because here is a secret: They were always difficult children.

    That is the thing we do not want to see.

    I learned this in rereading one of my own posts.

    Well, for heaven's sake.

    I tell everybody, all the time ~ you all see me doing that, every day ~ just what I see and just what they need to do but I cannot see my own situation with clarity and conviction. I keep falling into compassion, into understanding, where my FOO and my children are concerned.

    It is a more acceptable place than resentment. Or that other, worse thing: anger.

    And that is like, one step from blaming myself. Where I am pretty darn comfortable because then I am back in some weird, Wizard of Oz rabbit hole kind of control where I can choose to believe I can do anything about any of this but hang on.

    Or opt out.

    And that is how the circle closes on us; that is the place we go blind as bats. I cannot turn away from my troubled child we say.

    And the circle closes.

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