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I feel like Im dying inside!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 657618" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That's the thing. It's so hard to see it that way when it's our own children, or our own families (or friends) treating us badly. I think there is something here too about what we go through with our kids changing what we feel is appropriate treatment from those we interact with in other areas ~ even in our professional lives. We begin looking so hard for where we went wrong with our children that we become vulnerable to mistreatment in other ways. We listen from a different perspective, and not from our sane minds. We see others whose children are okay, and we believe there must be something, some essential something, they know and we don't know, about how to live a life. I think that is a good way to describe it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I feel this way, too. Especially in the beginning, we are without defense. It's overwhelming. All our attention goes to that fearsome place where we live from when ~ when we just can't believe this is happening. There is that sense of dissonance, of disreality, and nothing makes sense. And it matters more than anything in the world, and we don't know how to do this.</p><p></p><p>I liked the way Albatross described that place for us: "But we live in the rabbit hole now."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I must only be in the beginning of acceptance. But I am working very hard to find freedom.</p><p></p><p>It must have something to do with codependence. I really hate that term. That is how it was too, when SWOT first posted that our own adult children could be abusive to us. I was like, "No they can't." But I just couldn't stay away from those threads.</p><p></p><p>Sure enough.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>And knowing that is a whole other place of rebellious disbelief / dissonance / disreality.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Beautifully and precisely written, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I found the part about offering no resistance an especially helpful concept. It is what it is gives us that same information but without the words to know how to begin.</p><p></p><p>"...offering no resistance...." This imagery works perfectly for my FOO issues, too. For every difficult or pleasurable thing in life. Also the phrase about not knowing, once we have given up resistance, where we are. So, we can go back to offering no resistance and know that is where we are. </p><p></p><p>Thank you, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so grateful for that concept of tool box that COM gave all of us. Even when I can't find what I need there, I return to myself somehow in gathering my forces to search through that thing we call tool box. I am the one looking, right? So I come back to myself from that shocked place. I might be sad, but at least I am present, again.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is another strong and joyful thing parents of troubled kids do not have that parents whose families are intact do have. For them, identity can safely be taken in a job well done. We learn to place guards around, to place permeable kinds of barriers around, even hope. Around even that sense of things are better, and we are going to be okay.</p><p></p><p>I am glad we can do that. But I am also saying that we have to be almost superhumanly strong to do that, and to accept and live with what we know; things those other parents, those with whom we interact in our lives, do not even have a whiff of a clue about.</p><p></p><p>We are very strong; this is very hard, what we do.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 657618, member: 17461"] That's the thing. It's so hard to see it that way when it's our own children, or our own families (or friends) treating us badly. I think there is something here too about what we go through with our kids changing what we feel is appropriate treatment from those we interact with in other areas ~ even in our professional lives. We begin looking so hard for where we went wrong with our children that we become vulnerable to mistreatment in other ways. We listen from a different perspective, and not from our sane minds. We see others whose children are okay, and we believe there must be something, some essential something, they know and we don't know, about how to live a life. I think that is a good way to describe it. I feel this way, too. Especially in the beginning, we are without defense. It's overwhelming. All our attention goes to that fearsome place where we live from when ~ when we just can't believe this is happening. There is that sense of dissonance, of disreality, and nothing makes sense. And it matters more than anything in the world, and we don't know how to do this. I liked the way Albatross described that place for us: "But we live in the rabbit hole now." I must only be in the beginning of acceptance. But I am working very hard to find freedom. It must have something to do with codependence. I really hate that term. That is how it was too, when SWOT first posted that our own adult children could be abusive to us. I was like, "No they can't." But I just couldn't stay away from those threads. Sure enough. Yes. And knowing that is a whole other place of rebellious disbelief / dissonance / disreality. Beautifully and precisely written, Copa. I found the part about offering no resistance an especially helpful concept. It is what it is gives us that same information but without the words to know how to begin. "...offering no resistance...." This imagery works perfectly for my FOO issues, too. For every difficult or pleasurable thing in life. Also the phrase about not knowing, once we have given up resistance, where we are. So, we can go back to offering no resistance and know that is where we are. Thank you, Copa. I am so grateful for that concept of tool box that COM gave all of us. Even when I can't find what I need there, I return to myself somehow in gathering my forces to search through that thing we call tool box. I am the one looking, right? So I come back to myself from that shocked place. I might be sad, but at least I am present, again. This is another strong and joyful thing parents of troubled kids do not have that parents whose families are intact do have. For them, identity can safely be taken in a job well done. We learn to place guards around, to place permeable kinds of barriers around, even hope. Around even that sense of things are better, and we are going to be okay. I am glad we can do that. But I am also saying that we have to be almost superhumanly strong to do that, and to accept and live with what we know; things those other parents, those with whom we interact in our lives, do not even have a whiff of a clue about. We are very strong; this is very hard, what we do. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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