I feel like I'm in the twilight zone (humiliated and need to vent)

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by stalln4x, Oct 22, 2012.

  1. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    I thought my parents were starting to grasp how into drugs I was. Today, I kind of approached the idea of rehab with my mom, who wasn't too keen on it. Before my AA meeting, I fessed up that besides just constant K2 and weed (as in, chain smoking it out of a hitter box 12-18 times a day, I had been drinking more days than not again, that I had tried inhaling solvents/paint on a couple of occasion, and that I had been using Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas) again. That I want to go to rehab.

    I'll be very honest that it's humiliating wanting rehab and it was hard to even bring that up with my parents, especially since this semester's still underway (though I'm failing my one class HARD) and they're very invested in me finishing this semester. I only fessed up to all that thinking that might help them see the gravity of all this.

    After lunch when me and my mom got to the hotel, I was listening to headphones and I heard my mom say "I'll let you tell him" [to my dad on the phone] and I thought maybe they were going to let me get treatment. Instead, my dad wanted to tell me that there were times in high school where I'd tanked half a semester (grade-wise) and then pulled myself out of it and that he thought I could do this and it be a badge of honor.

    He meant my one remaining course this semester, a foreign language class that I have an F average in. I handed the phone back and said they have no concept of addiction. I asked my mom if she even told him about the drugs I confessed to and she said yes and was angry that my dad was just trying to encourage me. I'm a guy and failing less hard (I'd have to not go to rehab and probably have to start taking my Adderall** again to even POSSIBLY get a grade good enough to qualify for the next course in the sequence).

    I asked my mom if I'd be in rehab right now if I had said heroin or something that (you'd think) they'd take seriously and she said she wasn't sure. I feel humiliated and like I've been slapped in the face. To be fair, my dad knows I'm obsessed with my GPA when I haven't been on a bender for most of the semester so maybe he thought focusing on that was encouraging, but I just feel ignored and now I can tell my mom feels a little as though I'm being a snobby ingrate when my dad was trying to help.

    I want to smash my laptop on the ground right now.

    ** Note on the Adderall: it's not at all a drug of abuse for me at all ironically; I have ADD and hate taking it long term and don't abuse it (psychiatrist said this is common among people, even some addicts, with 'real' ADD and I do have a friend who got into heroin and yet, just like me, doesn't care to take Adderall)
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Hi - is it possible they would agree to an intensive outpatient program while you are working on this college class? Maybe a halfway house that you could attend and go to school? I apologize, I have to go back and read your situation, but there are other options. It is fantastic that you see that you have a problem and want to change - that is the biggest hurdle!
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So interesting how your parents are in more denial than you. Im sure thats common (have had family members not fully appreciate the trouble cousins were in in my own family ) but with the focus of the board here being parents looking for support and answers it's a little new for me to see here. It makes me proud of you and I have no direct experience in your shoes with drugs but I chose to enter treatment for an eating disorder while in grad school. Huge risk. I did not ask my parents. I was dying. I suspect you may need to just do what you know is time to do and realize that while in therapy you can have professionals help you work through the parent issues. They don't get it. It's maybe too hard or they don't understand addiction. I hope you just do it. You will be able to return to school. I paid every cent of college and grad school myself. It is doable ...and it is a source of pride when I really needed it.
    Just one perspective. Hoping for the best for you!
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    My first impression of this conversation is that your parents probably very quickly did some accounting in their heads and were more disturbed by the immediate prospects of wasting thousands of dollars and less than you were admitting to drug use / abuse.

    This tells me that they are probably not real surprised by the drug use - so they must have at least had suspicions up until this point.

    They were probably hoping that school would inspire you to focus more on your education. (Just my impression, of course...)

    And now, you've basically announced that you'd like to withdraw from school and try rehab instead...

    My advice is to give your parents a couple of days to wrap their minds around this new idea and let them brainstorm some financing. Approach it again in a little bit...

    Good luck!
  5. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    They can afford it. We have killer insurance. I have some things on eBay right now and am hoping maybe I can afford the co-pay on my own soon. Cigna's systems have been down but I should be able to find out how much it costs today. My parents offered to pay for it with a resounding "YES!!!" once after picking up a crate of nitrous cartridges that were shipped to my apartment last year over break but I wasn't ready to stop using then.

    They know. I just specified that I wasn't just using every day, but that I was using literally 10+ times every day. No effect. This dialogue's been going on for a bit. I asked if she brought it up with my dad and she said yeah. I asked what he thought and she said she didn't know and hadn't been spending her day thinking about it.

    I won't even get into school. I normally love school but they decided they're picking what I take, how, and why, and screw the fact that I lost the small scholarship I have over the schedule they decided for me. I need to go cry. This is pathetic. The situation, who I've become, drugs in general.

    I really want to somehow just check myself in and not talk to them for a long time.


    "I'm sure if you talk to enough people on the internet someone will ***** with you".

    I can't take this. All they care about is this stupid test tomorrow in a class I didn't need or want to take and now am going to have screw my grades up and will have to take AGAIN to fix the grade.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You do not need your parents approval to go to rehab. You are an adult. Start doing your research and making calls. If you find a treatment center you think is a good match, the financial office will call your insurance for you and let you know what they will cover. It is ridicuous for you to be in a hotel room with your mother, doing drugs under her nose, flunking out of your one and only class and being in this much pain. If your therapsit does not step in to help you it's time to get a new therapist.
  7. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    I'm not doing them right under her nose (this week). I don't have the resources to get them without stealing until Wednesday. That's a good idea Nancy--I'd say I wouldn't want to go behind their back to rehab and ruin this class, but that's a hell of a lot better than going behind their back doing drugs and ruining this class. I'm going to step out of the AA meeting she's taking me to at 5:30 and call my insurance again to get the scoop. I have only myself to blame, but god is this humiliating. All they care about is me getting a D or better in Spanish so I get credit for it. Like I'd even be able to pass Spanish 2 getting a D in the first course anyway.

    I'm under my parents insurance plan but it's pretty good so maybe I'll be able to afford it soon if I can go that long without blowing it all on drugs. And I need to start paying my credit card that's maxed out, but then it'll work at head shops again (at least street drug dealers don't take credit cards... k2 and kratom ruin people that way. That's the thing with rehab is I need this boost.

    I honestly fear that if I did this on my own, they'd retaliate (not in spite for going to rehab but for not finishing this damn spanish class. I'm an honors student but I'm a full blown addict taking one class right now and I have 51% in it with a couple D-range quizzes he needs to put in, a few zeros for homework he's going to put in, and a huge exam tomorrow that apparently matters a LOT more than the fact I've been drunk or taking kratom or nitrous or k2 constantly. I'm sure I'm not being totally fair in my state right now but ugh.
  8. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Most colleges have a health clinic you can go to and they could point you in the right direction for getting help. Also, you should have an advisor at school and they can help you, too.