I feel like my life is an Oprah and Dr. Phil episode.

[Nancy]

Oprah found out she has a sister she didn't know about. The episode today was so like my life. I found out that I have a brother several years ago that I never knew I had. The emotions she went through and the processing of this information is so familar to me.

Dr. Phil's episodes with Ted William's was another ironic parellel. Dr. Phil admonished Ted's family for drinking in front of Ted, who everyone thought at that time was in recovery but we have since found out he has been drinking all along. Dr. Phil explained that you cannot drink in front of an addict, especially when they are in early recovery. I asked my sister and dad not to drink on Christmas Eve because difficult child would be there and she had just been released from rehab. Instead of honoring that request, my sister brought beer and wine and had her family sneak into dad's kitchen to drink. Of course difficult child was fully aware of what was going on. This has caused a huge rift between my sister and I.

Nancy

 

[HaoZi]

I was 21 or so when I learned I have a half-sister. There's another one here that recently found out she does, too. I feel bad I can't recall who, one of our Canadians (sorry!).

You have some company at least.

 

[Fran]

I can imagine how shocking it is to find out you have a sibling somewhere. Sheesh.

What's wrong with your sister? Someone who comes to your home and purposely ignores your plea to help your difficult child by abstaining!!! Sounds like she is a difficult child in her own right. I would probably had a meltdown and told them to dump the alcohol or leave.
At this point in our lives sisters should be a support and a friend. I'm sorry Nancy. She wasn't being that sort of friend.

 

[Marguerite]

Nancy, what your sister did was very disrespectful. In your home, your rules stand. And to sneak it like that, and encourage others to do the same - it teaches more disrespect. It also sends a message tat you and difficult child are not worth making an effort for.

And a question it raises - why was your sister so desperate for a drink, that she had to do this? Is she herself such an addict that she could not respect your wishes in your home, and simply stay dry for a few hours? Her inability to respect your wishes sends a strong message to her family, that beer is more important than family relationships and recovery. The most likely people to behave this way, are people who have a problem with alcohol themselves, and simply cannot bear to leave it alone even for a few hours.

My family did this to me some years ago - husband & I booked our church for a weekend, for the family to come and stay. At the time, our church was an alcohol-free-zone. But the tens/young adults got drinking, just off the property. One of my uncles (adult, over 18) bought the grog for them - spirits, mostly - thus circumventing the law (and breaking it). They knew they were breaking the law as well as the rules of the place, but the alcohol was more important to them than doing the decent thing. My nephews, one only 16, were falling-down drunk and vomiting everywhere. There were empty bottles lying around, and one of my sisters & I were up at dawn scouring along the beach outside, and the gardens, cleaning up. We filled a huge bin with empty bottles, cleaned up broken glass, tidied up a bonfire they had tried to light on the beach (with toxic oleander - maybe I should have let them!) and spent several hours making the place presentable for church. My family did not stay for church - they went for a boat ride instead. I was not happy with them and won't have them back in the place, although they were there for difficult child 1's wedding. But none stayed overnight. I know who the problem people are. And tey know I know. But their attitude is one of arrogant brashness, of defiant chin-raise and "you can't tell me what to do."

It all tells me that someone who is prepared to do that, especially to family, is someone for whom the bottle is more important than doing the honest, respectable thing.

My eldest brother and about half my sisters were not involved in this behaviour, but some of them helped connive at it. There are two main culprits in my siblings - they are twins, and their families are the ones with the worst drinking problems. And to go along with it, the worst social problems. The other twins in the family are not a problem like this, so it's nothing to do with simply being so close. It's purely bad behaviour.

Over time, you learn who you can trust. I deal with it by not allowing such a situation to occur again. If I know they can't leave the bottle alone, and I especially need them to, then I won't invite them. And I tell them why. They think I'm a humourless wowser, but at least I know I don't have to deal with the crud their behaviour leads to.

Mind you, they have eased back a lot over the years. Not enough for my liking. I love my family, but some of them I tend to only be around in small doses. That way we can enjoy a few hours' together time, but leave before we get on each other's nerves!

Marg

 

[barneysmom]

Nancy you're in the big leagues now.

Hugs hugs hugs

Jo

 

[DammitJanet]

Ive often felt like I lived either on the Jerry Springer show or as a permanent guest on Dr. Phil so dont feel left alone...lol.

 

[Jena]

lol Janet jerry springer??

Nancy yea life and our families who we dont' chose and we're just born into can really bite at times. yea sister was totally wrong bigtime. hopefully that won't happen again. as far as the rest yes i cannot imagine how shocking and exciting problem a mix of both it would be to find a sibling...... that you didnt' know existed.

((hugs))

 

[Star*]

Two ways to look at that Nancy -

At least it was Oprah and not Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.

OR....

At least it was Dr. Phil and not Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.

I would say that a sibling found is NOT always a good thing - and her sneaking would be a sign that she has problems.......Know what I mean?? Maybe...just MAYBE...it was a blessing for your difficult child.....to see that even in adulthood she would NOT want to be like that long lost sister of yours. UGH.

 

[HaoZi]

I thought it was a brother Nancy found?

 

[AnnieO]

This is the exact reason I don't watch soaps, Oprah, Dr. Phil, or reality shows.

I have enough drama and adventure in my own life...

 

[svengandhi]

There was a period of time when my life was a Jerry Springer story. It was so awful I don't think even Steve could have helped it unless he threw people out a window. I just had to survive it and pray that Jerry wouldn't call me on the days when I would have seen outing it on TV as a good thing.

That said, I couldn't imagine having an unknown sibling out there. The one I have is so horrible I would never want another.

 

[DammitJanet]

We actually think Tony does have a half sister somewhere out there. Rumor has it that his father messed around...well we KNOW he did..but there was rumblings that there was a child born to a woman in the Columbia SC area about 1968 or so. Back then no one ever did anything about it though and now both of Tony's parents are dead so ever finding anything about it are long gone. Heck, anyone who would have known anything is dead...lol.

 

[Nancy]

It wasn't at my house, it was my dad's apartment. If it had been my house I would have asked her to take the alcohol out or leave. And she wasn't drinking, she brought the alcohol for her daughter and fiance and her son and his girlfriend. I don't know why it was so important that they drink, we were only there about 2 1/2 hours and they were going home and could drink all they wanted. When I asked that they not drink in front of difficult child I told her if she really wanted to drink she should tell us and we wouldn't go because I didn't want to put any of us in that uncomfortable position. She claims that since difficult child relapsed shortly before christmas she didn't think she had to honor my request. It was not up to her to decide. It hurt me a great deal but was only the straw the broke the camel's back after several other hurtful things she has done and said over the past few months.

It is a shame Fran because I do feel that at this point in our lives we should be a support and friend to each other, but she has never really been supportive. I look back and realize that being raised in a dysfunctional family leaves a legacy of pain.

Nancy

 

[barneysmom]

"I look back and realize that being raised in a dysfunctional family leaves a legacy of pain."

Nancy I want you to know you're not alone in this. It's scary isn't it?

Jo

 

[DDD]

I understand. It's just totally NOT what you expected your life to include. Sad but true. DDD

 

[Marguerite]

She claims that since difficult child relapsed shortly before christmas she didn't think she had to honor my request.

So since difficult child has blundered a few times and has already demonstrated that she is especially vulnerable to temptation, that somehow makes it MORE alright to undermine her chances?

Pure BS. And by allowing/encouraging her own kids to drink under those circumstances, doing it defiantly, even after you had indicated that you just wanted to know if this was likely so you could avoid it - that smacks to me of pure nastiness. And denial - "not that big a deal anyway", because her own kids obviously can't go for too long without alcohol.

She will get hers. Sadly, so will they.

Marg

 

[Star*]

Not that it's ANY comfort.....but I GOT a sister.....46 years ago, and after so many forced birthdays, and Christmases and other holiday disasters? I had gone to demolish my Moms basement this past September. I was at her home for THREE and a HALF weeks. Now in that time? I brought gifts, stopped at her house (which is 17 houses down the same street from my Moms, and NEVER left my Moms) I worked like two dogs - and made three attempts to get together. THREE! i even called and made an invite to Red Lobster HER fav. restaurant - as I don't eat seafood. I was told via text - (in 2 words - not. hungry) and the ONLY other time I heard from her was another text that said 'when leaving?" it was nearly midnight the night before my flight. (how convenient) -

It became PAINFULLY clear to me that it was PAINFUL for her to continue the charade so I have obliged her. I didn't call her anymore. I have not sent her a Christmas card. I have not called her. I did not call her and wish her a fakey happy new year. I did not send her a ridiculous happy birthday last week and I have not continued the "i love you's" at the bottom of any greeting - matter of fact I juts stopped the sham all to gether. I think or rather I know - it's been better for me and I've given implicit orders to my Mom to stop ALL and ANY conversation about Star's life is - and that's my wish. Mom told her I was in trucker school and I nearly hit the roof - 1.) because I had asked Mom NOT to and 2.) because it served no purpose to continue to tell the woman anything about me - she does.not. care. It doesn't bother me anymore - hasn't for years. Even my niece is following her lead. Oh well - I'm a fantastic Auntie - and if that's how SHE wants to play it too? So be it. Her loss - mine too - but I can't make her be part of my life. I'm don't sending, and asking, and not being reciprocated in any way and after 18 years? This is it. The facade stops.

Hope this gives you insight into fake family.

 

[amazeofgrace]

LOL I have actually had a dream where my difficult child's had Dr. Phil and Super Nanny bound and gagged!

 

[Fran]

Boy, families are a blessing and a curse, aren't they?

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you all have to deal with all this stuff. It makes me feel less alone, less like there is something hugely wrong with me because the way my family regards me. I look back on all those years when I tried so dang hard to believe that we had this awesome, super close, loving family that really cared about each ohter and wonder why I worked so hard to feel like that. Cause it WAS work. My instincts told me something wasn't "right", therapy and tdocs told me the same, even friends told me the same but all those years of "family first" and "family no matter what" was really hard to look at realistically. I just couldn't figure out why any attempt to tell the truth about anything that made me uncomfortable was instantly used to prove how wrong and sick I was/am. Why any attempt to ask about something or tell the truth about gfgbro was instantly converted into "overreacting" or "hysteria". Finally I got the picture, but it sure is ugly and painful.

I so much wish that NONE of you understood these feelings the way you do.

Let's hope that we can help our children and grandchildren to not repeat these patterns.