I feel overwhelmed and confused

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Gaia, Jan 7, 2008.

  1. Gaia

    Gaia New Member

    I have been reading the Explosive Child book and I just don't know about this. If I am to follow Plan C and say Yes or OK to everything he wants, what exactly does that teach him? So he does not have an explosion, but what about teaching that they can't always get what they want? What about teaching them that tantrums and explosions do not get good results? If I were to follow Plan C, how will my 10 yr old daughter feel? She will feel that he always gets his way and that's not fair to her.

    I just don't really understand how this works.
  2. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    It's confusing to most parents at the beginning, more so before you've put it into action and seen some good results. Be sure and review the thread on adapting it to younger children at the top of this board because a lot is explained there.

    On the surfact what it looks like at first is that you're giving into him most of the time. But what you really need to focus on is the long term goal--you're working toward helping to stabilize him, giving him time/space to relaz the knee jerk reaction to authority, and time to mature/develop skills to overcome his issues. It's critical that you look beyond the fact that the kid is getting his way most of the time.

    At first it's recommended to start out with safety as basket A issues, then add on from there, and add on slowly (not 6 issues at once. As he is more settled he will more receptive to lessons that he can't get what he wants. By you taking a preventative approach you should see a big reduction in tantrums and hopefully eliminate the thought pattern of concern ("if I tantrum, I get my way").

    Your ten year old daughter is old enough to understand that her brother has neurological issues that cause behavioral problems. What happened with my kids is that once they saw how much better our lives became when difficult child was stable, it really drove the message home and they were more understanding. They still don't like it all the time but in my opinion, that's just life--we don't live in a perfect world and a lot of life lessons grow out of hardship. I grew up with a special needs brother and didn't like it a lot of the time--in the long run there were many positive aspects I took with me into adulthood.

    I have tried to ease the way somewhat for the siblings--ie when difficult child used to eat early because he HAD to to maintain his calm I didn't insist that they wait until suppertime. And I've eased up on expectations like keeping rooms neat and tidy because it's one of those things that really doesn't make a huge difference to me but not having the expectation helps them. I also made sure they all got one on one time with mom daily (usually bedtime) and that my oldest got special priveleges such as trips to the movies or bookstore when the younger ones were in bed. A child who is really

    Do go ahead and read the other thread. You do really need to put it into practice to be able to see the benefits.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Gaia, the key that allowed me to try The Explosive Child technique was knowing that the items in each basket would change over time. When basket A no longer becomes an issue, move in something from basket B. And something from basket C goes into basket B. It helped me to prioritize the issues instead of trying to deal with everything at once.
  4. aeditha17

    aeditha17 New Member

    I guess I am behind the ball. I should probably get this book. I have a brilliantly difficult 5 year old just diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and ODD and I am walking the line between dogged determination and throwing a complete hysterical tantrum myself. She can be sweet and compliant and can listen occasionally, but then the claws come out and she digs in. She acts almost like she's 14 with the "I said NO!"s and "I donj't want to"s. Our developmental pedi didn't offer us much except the diagnosis and SSRI medications, but she's so little. We are meeting with a therapist on Thursday to start behavior modification (for both her and us!!).
    My desperation comes from having just run the gauntlet these past 4 years with my 11 year old who has Tourette Syndrome and ADHD so bad he managed to get all the way to school without his shoes on. What are we going to do??? Our school drops the ball on a daily basis, and just when I think I might have a handle on him, we find this out about her halfway through her kinder year. ARGH!
    I sincerely hope that my blurb here is indicative of a newbie parent just coming to grips with my glorious and precious difficult children!
    :smile: I love them so much - I just don't know where to start!!!
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Hi Brandi & welcome! :smile: I sent you a personal message, please click on the flashing red piece of mail!
  6. Gaia

    Gaia New Member

    I have an appointment in 2 weeks with a psychologist who uses Dr. Greene's techniques! It is surely a sign that this is the right path for me and my son. I found her by calling for an appointment with a different doctor, who ends up not being able to take new patients. But after speaking with the assistant and telling her I was reading this book, she said this doctor uses it too! I couldn't believe it. What are the chances? I practically pulled the first name out of a hat (given to me by my insurance company).

    I have also TOLD my husband that WE have an appointment, got him mom to watch the kids that evening, leaving him no choice. I need him to come, E needs him to come. I can not do this alone any more. E won't be there this first appointment, just husband and I. I feel hopeful, and this scares me to no end.