i feel so guilty

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Apr 6, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i'm so guilt ridden right now....... did you ever have a horrible argument infront of your kids, than after think oh my god what damage did i just do??

    well, that's me right now..... we had a drag out full blown argument like i have never seen the likes of infront of our kids today. yes prompted somewhat by me.

    yet he blew and blew bad.... everything and anything he's been holding in for 9 mos or maybe 3 years came pouring out so unexpectedly. he went to leave the house with-his kids and not me and difficult child. difficult child totally fell apart and planted him severely. yes i know this is so bad.

    he said things he's never shared with me, that he's pushed deep down inside. whether or not it gave him the right to just explode all over the place i just dont' know right now. yet there was so much. all i could say after calming kids down who were panicked with are you getting a divorce, we are all best friends we wont' see eachother anymore, difficult child crying was wow.

    when he finally calmed down, and i got kids in den and told them to calm down it all came out. from he doesn't feel like he's part of this family ever. i dont' save dinner for him, i dont do anything for him at all. he comes home to hear what great dinners i cooked yet he said how could you not save me some? i look in the fridge each night adn it's never there. you dont' even wash my clothes anymore, or fold them or anything. i guess lately i've slipped with laundry. he just went on and on.

    said how he's the guy that works and comes home that's it. it's him and his kids and me and mine and he supports us, buys whatever we need and on occassion i watch a movie with him or stay up late.

    all i could say was how could you sit by and not say a word, not talk to me, not share what's going on and let yourself explode this way? he has a bad temper, always has that's part of the problem. yet to hold it all in?

    so, please tell me someone else out there has had this type of thing go down in their home infront of their kids and the kids survived it, what did you do?? i feel so bad right now. i cant' begin to tell you.

    easy child whose been a handful every single day came home towards the end of it and it gave her an excuse to fly off the handle and take off yet again.

    i feel like such a bad parent right now. im not the one that yelled and carried on he was. he didn't do anything or curse he just totally unleashed, went on and on infront of the kids. about the money, he works so hard he isnt' part of this family.

    ugh..... and to think i partially created this
  2. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    First of all, one argument is not going to emotionally cripple your kids.
    Fighting and arguing are part of life. Yes, it would be nice if we all fought fair but that's just not the way it works. All you can do is reassure them that you both still love them and that, yes, you and he should have found a better place to fight but it's not their problem. They are old enough to begin to understand some of this. If he is open to it, he should speak to them too but if he's too upset to do it right now, maybe he would do it later. In any case, kids have lived through much worse. Assuming you both go on to work through things, it could be a positive lesson for them: even people who love each other get mad sometimes and say things they shouldn't; it doesn't mean they don't still love each other and it doesn't mean they can't work things out.
    Quit beating yourself up for something that is really not your fault.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Better to have a fight and make up in front of them than to make believe that nothing is wrong and throw him out without them even suspecting that there's a problem.

    With your description of him having a bad temper, I've got to give the guy credit. Sure he poured his heart out in a major meltdown, but he didn't curse and act abusively. It was more like a faucet being opened that wouldn't shut. I'd point out to the kids that he'd been tippy-toeing around everyone elses problems and didn't ever have the opportunity to talk to anyone about how he was feeling pushed away. It seems to me that the kids could actually learn a lot about him AND themselves!

    Acentuate the positive! :bag:

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I say "Yeah, husband"! He told the truth. He shared honest feelings and observations. He feels ignored and manipulated and used. Those are all valid emotional responses to the environment. Both difficult child and easy child could learn some valuable lessons. It is not good to hide how you truly feel. It is not healthy to internalize. Families share happy and sad feelings with one another. Pretending and stiflying are not healthy ways to deal with emotional pain. That is exactly what both girls evidently do on a regular basis by pretending everything is aok...but it's not. Role playing is not honest or healthy. I hope his honesty opens a new chapter in your home. It may lead to breakthroughs for all of you. I'm impressed. DDD
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I agree with DDD a thousand percent.

    No, it is not going to harm the kids. husband and I have had some screaming matches in front of ours on more than one occasion. But that is what happens - it's life. We have been together over 14 years and we are going to fight! I can honestly say the first year of marriage was the roughest. Anyhow, my husband is the same way - holds everything inside until he just explodes. It is not healthy, I agree. Wish I knew how to change that about him. But the important thing is he communicated to you specific things that are bothering him. Now you know what you need to work on.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    he didnt' curse, he just said im leaving i can't take it anymore, it's like i'm invisible and on and on he went....... so much stuff i've never even heard before........ i was shocked.

    difficult child well she got mad because as he was spewing and saying i want away from you i want you of this and took his kids into truck and left difficult child i flipped. younever split the kids up rule number 1. difficult child lost it. she panicked, and my heart broke. he wasnt' thinking he was just so fed up and that flight thing took over.

    he did come back didnt' pull off made it as far as the driveway and brought kids back in. point is difficult child lost it on him said i'm tired of you blowing up, he's the yeller of the clan and i dont' care mom should divorce you on and on she went.

    we tried to talk about it after yet she wasnt' having it. we told the kids he sees someone each week to learn how to be angry the "right" way and it's been working yet he was upset tonight because of alot of things and didn't do the right thing and express those things to me instead he just lost it. difficult child said i dont' care i want you OUT lol. he said he was sorry he said i care about you i'm sorry i scared you. he's a large man so when he gets mad it's not good.

    well long story short she's making this all about her, walking around miserable saying how she's mad at him how can i forgive him ooops she's in my room again right now just walked in
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm with 3D on this. It is progress (granted, his presentation isn't wonderful) for him to say exactly what it is.
    Sounds like that's your bottom line right there, and the other stuff are the things that *would* make him feel more like part of the family. I'm sure there are more small ways, these are just the ones that he's tossing out there (though I can understand the dinner one, and at least he looks in fridge and doesn't expect you to keep it warm for him).
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jena.........while he probably shouldn't have unloaded the way he did.............it is a good thing. You've needed to know what he was really thinking/feeling for a long time. And it's good that he finally let the wall down and laid it on the line. Delivery might need to be worked on.........but hon if he didn't care? He'd have walked out the door without telling you a darn thing.

    The kids will be fine. Couples fight is perfectly normal..........and while he unloaded a ton of garbage at once he did it right.......no swearing, name calling, no abuse.

    A lot of men are what I call "stuffers". They stuff everything until they blow like a volcano. Often it's because they're not so comfortable with their emotions or confrontation in any real sense. I'd like to say it's a guy thing.......but I used to do it too.

    My temper is so horrific that when I was younger I was as afraid of it as anyone else. So I stuffed 99 percet of stuff that bugged me. Then occasionally I would blow on husband in a huge way. Bad because I'd be bringing up stuff from years before........ Now as I learned to control my temper better......I came to realize this wasn't fair to husband. He was always blindsided with it. And half the time most of the stuff I was bringing up he didn't even remember. That would make me madder still. lol So I had to learn to speak up when things cropped up. Took me a very long time to do......and I am still working on it. But he's never blindsided these days.....I'm not much of a stuffer anymore. lol

    Now that it's out there.........you two can work on it together.

    Tell difficult child to get over it. Adults get mad too. Sometimes it's not pretty when it happens. But it does happen. Such is life and human nature.

  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I think you're feeling guilty about the kids but in reality you should feel guilty that he's not being treated like part of the family. Really if you do the kids laundry, you should do his. If you make dinner for the kids, there should be some for him. He's at work doing his part. I feel bad for the guy, difficult child has no business being disrespectful and talking to him that way. Just move on from here, tommorow is a new day.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ya know, i think this may be a good thing.

    Tony and I have been together for almost 28 years and trust me we have fought more times than I can count. Knockdown drag out fights with screaming matches where we hurled all kinds of junk at each other. My kids are warped but oh well. They can get therapy if they so wish...lol.

    Tony also complains about the whole dinner and laundry issue. Whats up with that? LOL. Only in my case my disabilities are so severe I am not washing anyones laundry and if I can manage dinner, I will certainly make sure its right there for him when he gets home from work but some days Im just down for the count and it makes him so mad to work a long day and no one helps.

    Your husband has a valid point. He married you and took on you and your kids and all that meant. You arent working, you are so wrapped up in your kids you dont have time for him that he just feels like a paycheck and you have only been together a short time. I would feel pretty used myself.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Thank you for speaking a bit of truth that I really wanted to say last night but didn't want to come across as mean.

    Jena, I am in no way what so ever being mean here, but dang girl this is is something you need to hear. He is busting his butt all day - he absolutely should have dinner waiting for him when he gets home. Especially if you do not work. When my husband was the only one working and I was home with the kids, I would clean the house, do all of the laundry and had dinner waiting for him when he got home. I was kind of shocked when I read that last night, to be honest.
    Another bit of honesty while I am at it....I think you coddle these kids too much. Okay, they witnessed a fight. Welcome to life. They should never be allowed to walk around disrespecting him. That certainly doesn't help a thing and if you are not sticking up for him when they are disrespecting him, that will only make him feel much worse.
    If you love your husband and want your relationship to work - you need to put a little more focus and energy on him...make sure he comes home to a warm meal, clean clothes and a smiling wife. Put some time aside for just him. Your children are plenty old enough that you should be able to put time aside to be alone and enjoy each other. Make him feel loved, appreciated. You know, thinking about it, maybe this is why he was talking to his ex so much. He is obviously lacking something in your relationship (and communicated to you what it is) and is starting to look elsewhere for it. Time to fight to keep your man if you want him. :)

    Again, please don't take this as being mean. I am being honest and giving you advice because I have been there...(((HUGS)))
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    This may not make me too popular, and I mean it with the best of heart, but man can I identify with your husband. I go to work all day, come home make dinner for everyone, do laundry, do homework because most of the time it is more than my husband can manage. Honey, if you want to save your marriage you have to work and work hard at it. Marriage is not easy, and throw in difficult child's and ex's and it is harder. I remember a while back you said marriage should not be this hard? I agree, it should not be, but it is. I would give my eye teeth to have a man who could hold a job and support my family so I could stay home. It is a luxury I have never and will never have. I am sorry if this comes across harsh, but give the poor guy some credit.

    And if arguing infront of kids warped them? Well there is no hope for mine then. They have seen us argue, visited husband at psychiatric hospital, taken him to drug rehab with me, and watched him hallucinate from his BiPolar (BP).
  13. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I agree with many posters here, and I too do not at all want to come across as sounding mean or crass. I would feel awful right now as your husband. That is not discounting the huge amount on YOUR Plate right now. I'm coming at this post basically from what your husband is experiencing right now. He fell in love with you, you two brought your children together, he married you, this marriage is brand new. He knows the pressures in the home as much as you do even if you deal all day with them all since he's working. But he is working, wondering what is going on at home, how you are that day, how the kids are, his phone is chirping text after text from his ex, he knows that will tick you off, he then comes home and the little pleasures of having a spouse aren't there in a brand new marriage. He isn't coming home to happy kids and wife, dinner, laundry done, relaxing evenings with the family. He's coming home to the chaos of the kids issues, the problems between he and you, no dinner, dirty clothes to watch, you needing help to cope with the kids issues, etc. As much as this marriage is not bringing you joy right now, nor is it bringing him joy.

    The comment about marriages should not be this hard? Well, all marriages have tough moments and trials and tribulations. Loving someone doesn't bring a promise of perfection as we all know. It just so happens in your situation that right as soon as the happy wedding was over, things in the home went to chaos. These are major issues with the kids, the ex etc. Having them all occur at once is a tough spot for any marriage. Having them all come up right when it is the expectation of both of you that you will be currently enjoying the honeymoon phase of your new marriage has got to be a loss and disappointment to both of you. What a let down when we work hard to find a life partner, have a wedding and with it the expectations of living in the "happy glow" for a while and suddenly so many major things occur that you are both robbed of that bonding period for couples that is so important for a marriage.

    Having said all that, please do not think I don't feel huge compassion for the spot YOU are in, your disappointments, your struggles to hold it all together for this new blended family you are now the matriarch of. I wish nothing for you but a way forward to claim the life you must certainly have envisioned during your wedding. (((hugs)))

    Your husband's feelings to me? They seem not only natural, it would seem unnatural for me if he had rose colored glasses marring his ability to see that life has suddenly turned difficult in all areas, same as you are experiencing. Men and women, being wired different, have different needs. And often when a mans needs aren't met, they fall away from meeting others needs. (Yes, it does work both ways but in my experience men shut down faster than women) This isn't the life YOU pictured, so surely it also is not what your husband pictured. You are stressed by your own admission and for good reason. So is he. You handle it one way. He handles it his way. I think it is great he came out with how he is feeling. He has just given you what I call "a roadmap to success". He expressed some things that are causing more pain for him, and these are things you can improve on without much effort. If you have to eat, and kids have to eat, make your husband a plate and heat it for him when he comes home after working all day. You both worked all day, in or out of the home. THe thing is, he wasn't the one workign in the home and at the stove cooking that meal. So since you are, he logically can't understand why you thought of him not at all in preparing a family meal. Laundry? Well if its important to him, throw his stuff into the mix. Nothing wrong with asking him to return the favor on his day off by helping with the folding of the weeks wash or taking a day to catch up leftover laundry etc to ease your work load.

    I also think as parents we can become so focused on the high needs of our kids, especially difficult child's, that the world revolves around their issues. It shouldn't. Yes it is a major forefront issue, but why should your brand new marriage, your spouse, your chosen life partner, not be in the equation simply because the kids have needs? The kids should be taught that their needs ARE met, and you and husband WILL meet your mutual needs as well. Heck the kids should be taught a certain amount of "married couple time" is GOING to occur each day and in that time, their issues are NOT on the table as you both have a right to put yourselves on the priority list. From husband's perspective, he goes to work and that equals the work you put in at home. Yet when he comes home he has no comforts a married man hopes to enjoy (dinner waiting, laundry, smiling faces to greet him, relaxing time all evening without drama). It would then be hard to turn to his new wife and shower her with HER needs for love, attention, affection, pampering etc. It is a major spinning vortex that will continue until at least one of you stops allowing it to happen, and then both people end up on board.

    From a personal opinion stand point? If I wanted this marriage to work, I would put new house policies in place tout suite! I would have dinner ready for husband and his laundry would be done. I would find little ways that are meaningful to him to make him feel taken care of (have coffee on in the morning, asking about his day, putting aside 15 minutes upon arrival home for just you two and NO discussion of anything upsetting in the day, express appreciation for his hard work and his salary and how dependable he is to provide for his family. Men are simple for the most part, they NEED to feel appreciated and recognized for being a provider and as much as a mother deserves to be noted for their parenting a man deserves to be noted for their work ethic and efforts to provide). I would 100% sit the kids down and cover some bases for everybodies sake, and I would ensure husband was there for the family meeting.

    I would tell the kids:
    1) We love you all
    2) We will and have always done our best to meet your needs and be there for you
    3) This marriage MATTERS and fights happen, but can also be minimized by not having to ignore the marriage 24/7 due to kids issues
    4) Some things are changing and NOW. Designated "couple" time is off limits short of one of them trying to kill each other.
    5) I would apologize in front of kids to husband for not seeing how much more he needed and remind him in front of the kids that every one of you owes appreciation to him for loving you all, providing and sticking out the tough times with you all and it WILL be returned to him by EVERYONE in the house
    6) No children will EVER disrespect either of you, and no children will EVER pit you two against each other with them at the center of the dispute. You are all a FAMILY now and that's all there is to it. Any child violating this and throwing temper tantrums demanding marriage breakdown or the "you aren't my parent" card etc WILL be disciplined, then outline what the discipline would be.
    7) Adults are as much in need of individual goals, dreams, needs, wants, wishes etc as children and in your family, it WILL be enforced that all will respect everyone as individuals. Adults are not mere puppets in servitude to their offspring and will NOT be treated as such. Assign each child some age appropriate responsabilities to the family (Chores etc) and not for profit, just because you all have a role in family and to value a family properly it is necessary to give back, not always be on the "take" side of things. This is not negotiable.

    Then I'd take baby steps with your husband. Be honest about your needs, express tha tyou respect his feelings and want that to change so he too can feel he is in a healthy marriage that is valued by him. Ask him what else you can do to help him feel connected. Ask him without qualms for what you need. Agree to (and ask for in return) compromise so that you both are doing best to look out for the other. Nothing says male/female bonding more than beating the toughest times together as a couple. You will both come out of this stronger in the end if you both put some efforts in. Your family has changed this past year and perhaps some major changes are required of all of you. Your husband might be mroe inclined to change if he isn't the only one expected to. As for the kids? We often as parents fail to see kids Do adapt to change if done effectively. There is no damage to children when expectations of their role within a family are insisted upon. This is a new dynamic for all of you. It sounds like it is time for a sit down to outline what a ideal new structure looks like, and implement the needed changes.

    I do believe it is hard to fall out of love so quickly after a marriage. It can however become to corrode with so many outside problems impacting the marriage. Since it sounds like the love is still there, this is on a purely logical and non emotional level, a adjustment problem blended with some crisis as well. Even the kids will in the long run be much happier with a brand new structure to adapt to rather than trying to live the way they all did before this marriage and the merging of your two families. You and husband both do not have the luxary of living as if it was pre marriage. The kids certainly don't either. I promise you, the kids might not like certain changes right away but will be glad for harmony and balance. And they will flourish faster in a home with adult role models workign together instead of against each other.

    (((hugs))) It shouldn't be so hard, but that is life for most of us at different stages. It won't always be this way and this chaotic time can be eased on by recommiting to each other. xo!
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Wow, Mattsmom - that was an incredible post. I learned a lot reading that.
  15. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    That said, he also needs to step up when they're disrespecting Jen. United front and all that stuff, then that particular incident can be discussed later in private.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Most definitely agreed!
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    The other aspect of this issue is the kids. They are both stifling their emotions and acting out as a result. When they preend that everything is fine they get special treats (lunch out, etc.) so there is a reward for stiflying. Recently you posted that difficult child "fessed up" about her hidden fears. You handled it by reassuring her and reminding her of skills she could use which sounded like the "right" thing to do at the time. on the other hand she should learn that it is ok to express anger and fear aloud. Same with your easy child. She has made some huge mistakes this year and you posted that she has a lifetime of emotions that she hasn't shared. Yikes! Long term stiflying of anger and sadness makes it very easy to seek out quick fixes like substance abuse and sexual releases to cover the emotions.

    This may be the window of opportunity that your family needs to travel from pretend land into reality land. husband finally had to explode with his disappointments, fears and anger. You were shocked because your focus has been elsewhere. difficult child reacted with anger (and some degree of disrepect) because she wants things to stay as they are now. Maybe she needs to see that she can express her feelings openly in front of the whole family...and they will still love her and try to address the problems.

    It will not be easy for all four of you to be openly honest. All of us want to live a Mary Poppins happy life but it is a struggle for everyone. I think you can use this as a great learning tool. Good luck and hugs coming your way. DDD
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow you guys are amazing, seriously. i posted this with such guilt and like oh man their going to be like jen no wonder difficult child is off the wall lol. yet unfortunately she's always been like this....

    i do set aside time for him and i when he gets home almost each night, yet difficult child tries to ruin it. so we have to fight with-keeping door closed while she bangs away or calls my name. we're in mist of medication change so its' bumpy.

    kids don't literally disrespect him, easy child loves him. yet difficult child just ignores him totally it's like he doesnt' exist. its' hard for him. he comes home and says hi and she grunts at him.

    his work schedule is hard, i felt so bad when he said you make these great dinners i hear about yet out of respect you never leave me some, i get i walk in at midnight but dont' i deserve that? point taken, so yup he'll be getting dinner wrapped each night.

    laundry i do, yet this week i faltered, my legs were bad and i couldnt' make it up and down basement stairs. i think he's more upset about his socks. sounds absurd yet he has feet and ankle problems and so i just bought him these special socks and the kids come into his drawer and take them all the time. we will now lock door.

    he does need to stand up for me with kids. he literally NEVER does. easy child or difficult child can be going at me and he stays away. def. not a united front. HAOZI great point.

    other junk too like you guys mentioned he comes home i'm rarely all smiles, i usually vent first after i ask how was your day i go on about easy child or difficult child. never do i just meet him to spend time with him without the junk. that'll change.

    his blow up, well it wasnt' like an argument.he just toppled over, and what was very wrong was he grabbed his kids and walked out. we were supposed to go to his sister's to see her new baby. and he just walked out with-his kids stating to me i do not want to talk to you. so difficult child fell apart. doesnt' take much and well any kid would be upset. than he kept coming from truck back in house again, he was just so upset and all over the board.

    difficult child at one point said look what your doing, what's wrong with you your nuts mom should divorce you. he simply said difficult child i'm sorry i'm upset infront of you but you have to wake up to what's going on here and your mom who you think is perfect. ah thats' where he faltered

    it is alot, and its' hard because he does get home so late. so i'm already tired. yet i chose this life you guys are right. clothes should be clean, dinner saved and i'll start there. yet i also told him no more of this meltdown stuff. it isnt' healthy for kids or either of us. we were like that cop show on tv. domestic situation at such and such address lol. so embarrassing. i mean neighbors were looking because we're close to them and he put kids in truck and kept coming back and forth. also the ex now blocked is causing tension as well. i'
    m not sure if he's unblocking her, yet it seems like he'll ask me to block then block comes off than i reset again. not sure what's giong on there. he said it isnt' him.

    i got mad at difficult child at one point, i said listen i get you want me all to yourself she smiled and said yea. i said you got me all day long. he's here two days a week only and midnights. when he comes home other than a hi to him and brief talk if your up you do not disturb us no banging on door screaming mom etc. not allowed.

    she said well you love him and always forgive him when he loses it. i said listen there are things that he's feeling that you aren't aware of that frustrate him and he wasnt' able to express those before now so it built up. she said well if he wasnt' here you'd lay in bed with-me at night so i could sleep etc. i said no i wouldn't. she said you love him more than me etc. on and on she went.

    i said he's my husband, my friend your my daugher a special type of love that can never be taken away. she just isn't used to seeing me wtih someone like this. she never saw me married. she was just a little over one when ex and i divorced. yet i thought by now all these years later she'd come to terms with it.

    easy child just said thank god you aren't getting divorced, mom you should treat him better. get a load of her!
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you are doing alot of positive analysis, Jena. Way To Go! I really see this as an opportunity for all four of you. In any type of recovery they say "take one day at a time". I think that will help you all. What's over is over. What is to come is up to all of you as a family. Everyone is rooting for the four of you. DDD
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    One thing I noticed, you said at one point you were upset that husband took his kids to leave and that wasnt fair and upset difficult child, yet you also say difficult child is very disrespectful of him. I always told difficult child 1 and easy child 1, when you guys treat me exactly the same, I'll treat you exactly the same. If difficult child is kind and loving to husband, yes...he should include her just like he does his kids when doing something. If she's an ass to him, heck yea he can leave her home. Same with one of his bios....

    It isn't great for kids to see parents fight on and on and on, but I think its also equally unhealthy for them to think they never do, either. Its most important for kids to see parents fight fair.

    Everyone gets mad. So let's do it in a way that teaches the kids how to handle it. With Wee, we narrated our lives. "I am so angry right now, my car broke down and I have to fix it and I don't have time or money, OMG I would really like to hit something, but that is wrong, so I'm going to go for fast walk to cool down." We really did walk around and do that. And it really did help. And I don't think its wrong for a parent to say to another parent "I'm upset because I thought you were going to have supper ready and you don't. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm upset." If we live in la-la-happy land, how else will kids that already have trouble learning "normal" responses to "normal" situations learn how to handle the rough spots.

    My .02. Probably not worth much more than that.