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I feel so, so weak
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 679778" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Rebelson, and we're glad you are here and posting. We're never going to give up on you or anybody here. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are not posting "weakness." You are posting the very real and true pain and agony and grief and fear of watching your precious son make these types of choices for his life, and having to stand by and just watch it. It's the hardest thing in the world, to do this for someone we love so very much. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the key right here. At some point, we reach our "no more" point. For most of us Warrior Moms, it takes years and years and years. We never "want to give up" on our precious adult children. What we come to see, in time, is that we're not giving up, we are, as another person called in on the forum here "pivoting" and dealing with it all in a brand new way. We have to learn this brand new way, because it doesn't come naturally at all. We become ready to learn the new way when we are at our sickest and tiredest and just can't do this thing anymore. We then have to read and study and practice new ways of thinking and behaving, and again, we will go back and forth...and that is perfectly okay. We are learning a whole new life, and it takes time. But it's worth it. It really is. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When we change, like SS says, there is no guarantee that our DCs will change. They may and they may not. Also, we can't know the future. They may change in time, not in our time, but in their time and I believe, in our Higher Power's time. It seems inconceivable to us that they will do the things they do, and do them over and over and over again.</p><p></p><p>But if we can stop....and see....we will see that we do the very same thing in our response to them. We keep on doing things that make no sense. They never have worked, and they never will. But we keep doing them anyway, because we don't know how to do anything else.</p><p></p><p>We are more like them than we can see. As Al-Anon says, it's a family disease. Addiction and mental illness become family diseases. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>this is 100 percent true. But think about it: We are their mothers. We have literally kept them alive, and the bond is unbreakable. We have to ***learn*** how to let them go---the DCs and the PCs. We must let grown people go because it's not our place to "parent" them forever. We have to learn where we start and stop and where they start and stop. I truly believe I somehow thought my son and I were the same person, and learning to let him go was the hardest thing I have ever done. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I had to do this, too. I had to "play the movie" and realize that yes, he could die on the street, using drugs, in jail, homeless, in a ditch somewhere or in a drug deal or driving a car high or any number of ways. His life was dangerous. I used to push those thoughts away constantly because they were too terrifying. But as I grieved, I had to let them in , and I had to feel the feelings and process the pain and get to the other side to it. It took months and months. Almost every single day, I would lie down and cry and stare at the wall and sleep and then I would get up and do the best I could to get through the rest of the day. That was my grieving process and in time, I made time for it, because I needed to do it and I needed to do it until I didn't need to do it anymore. </p><p></p><p>Pushing the feelings away was exhausting and kept me in a tailspin. Feeling them was so very scary at first, but I learned my feelings would not kill me, and in time, feeling them healed me, along with working very hard to change how I thought and how I behaved, through this forum, through Al-Anon, through books like CoDependent No More, and many other daily tools that I "assembled" in my toolbox and made time to use, every single day. I approached it like a college course, and I "studied" because I was so sick and tired of my life that I had to do something different.</p><p></p><p>You will get to this place in time. You are moving toward this place right now, with your frustration and fear and pain at his choices. You have a right to take the time that you need. It's your journey and no one else's. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We're here for you, though it all. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 679778, member: 17542"] Hi Rebelson, and we're glad you are here and posting. We're never going to give up on you or anybody here. You are not posting "weakness." You are posting the very real and true pain and agony and grief and fear of watching your precious son make these types of choices for his life, and having to stand by and just watch it. It's the hardest thing in the world, to do this for someone we love so very much. This is the key right here. At some point, we reach our "no more" point. For most of us Warrior Moms, it takes years and years and years. We never "want to give up" on our precious adult children. What we come to see, in time, is that we're not giving up, we are, as another person called in on the forum here "pivoting" and dealing with it all in a brand new way. We have to learn this brand new way, because it doesn't come naturally at all. We become ready to learn the new way when we are at our sickest and tiredest and just can't do this thing anymore. We then have to read and study and practice new ways of thinking and behaving, and again, we will go back and forth...and that is perfectly okay. We are learning a whole new life, and it takes time. But it's worth it. It really is. When we change, like SS says, there is no guarantee that our DCs will change. They may and they may not. Also, we can't know the future. They may change in time, not in our time, but in their time and I believe, in our Higher Power's time. It seems inconceivable to us that they will do the things they do, and do them over and over and over again. But if we can stop....and see....we will see that we do the very same thing in our response to them. We keep on doing things that make no sense. They never have worked, and they never will. But we keep doing them anyway, because we don't know how to do anything else. We are more like them than we can see. As Al-Anon says, it's a family disease. Addiction and mental illness become family diseases. this is 100 percent true. But think about it: We are their mothers. We have literally kept them alive, and the bond is unbreakable. We have to ***learn*** how to let them go---the DCs and the PCs. We must let grown people go because it's not our place to "parent" them forever. We have to learn where we start and stop and where they start and stop. I truly believe I somehow thought my son and I were the same person, and learning to let him go was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to do this, too. I had to "play the movie" and realize that yes, he could die on the street, using drugs, in jail, homeless, in a ditch somewhere or in a drug deal or driving a car high or any number of ways. His life was dangerous. I used to push those thoughts away constantly because they were too terrifying. But as I grieved, I had to let them in , and I had to feel the feelings and process the pain and get to the other side to it. It took months and months. Almost every single day, I would lie down and cry and stare at the wall and sleep and then I would get up and do the best I could to get through the rest of the day. That was my grieving process and in time, I made time for it, because I needed to do it and I needed to do it until I didn't need to do it anymore. Pushing the feelings away was exhausting and kept me in a tailspin. Feeling them was so very scary at first, but I learned my feelings would not kill me, and in time, feeling them healed me, along with working very hard to change how I thought and how I behaved, through this forum, through Al-Anon, through books like CoDependent No More, and many other daily tools that I "assembled" in my toolbox and made time to use, every single day. I approached it like a college course, and I "studied" because I was so sick and tired of my life that I had to do something different. You will get to this place in time. You are moving toward this place right now, with your frustration and fear and pain at his choices. You have a right to take the time that you need. It's your journey and no one else's. Hang in there. We're here for you, though it all. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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