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<blockquote data-quote="Seeking Peace" data-source="post: 663439" data-attributes="member: 19374"><p>It is so hard....so hard to sit there and just watch your child self-destruct. The many emotions we parents go through. I'm new here too. I have to say, reading the article on detachment was a real eye opener for me. I have told myself repeatedly the past two days:</p><p></p><p>Detaching from my child does not mean I don't love her. It means the opposite. Constantly trying to fix, rescue and continuing to enable the behaviors only imposes what "I" want her to be. How I feel she must behave, or act, or do. Ultimately that sends a message that it's not enough unless she does those things. Which then will only prompt her to continue lying and telling me what she thinks I want to hear (attempt to please me). Although I know it's out of love and concern, and simply want the best for her. A mother wanting to guide her daughter in the right direction.</p><p></p><p>On the other side, her actions towards me ARE abusive. It is not okay to treat me like this...I deserve to be treated with respect. So, by not engaging in the drama, I am sending the message that I'm not going to accept it anymore. I'm not going to allow my emotions to be controlled by her anymore. I know she intentionally manipulates me and does things solely to hurt my feelings, evoke a response, punish me. How I react, how I engage in the behavior, is in my control. Detaching is loving myself too.</p><p></p><p>I love my daughter. It is not my right to constantly tell her how to live her life. She's 20, and an adult. I know I can't do this for her. She has to decide to live differently. While I do worry she'll mistake it for me not caring, caring excessively has certainly not changed things either.</p><p></p><p>This site may very well be my saving grace!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Seeking Peace, post: 663439, member: 19374"] It is so hard....so hard to sit there and just watch your child self-destruct. The many emotions we parents go through. I'm new here too. I have to say, reading the article on detachment was a real eye opener for me. I have told myself repeatedly the past two days: Detaching from my child does not mean I don't love her. It means the opposite. Constantly trying to fix, rescue and continuing to enable the behaviors only imposes what "I" want her to be. How I feel she must behave, or act, or do. Ultimately that sends a message that it's not enough unless she does those things. Which then will only prompt her to continue lying and telling me what she thinks I want to hear (attempt to please me). Although I know it's out of love and concern, and simply want the best for her. A mother wanting to guide her daughter in the right direction. On the other side, her actions towards me ARE abusive. It is not okay to treat me like this...I deserve to be treated with respect. So, by not engaging in the drama, I am sending the message that I'm not going to accept it anymore. I'm not going to allow my emotions to be controlled by her anymore. I know she intentionally manipulates me and does things solely to hurt my feelings, evoke a response, punish me. How I react, how I engage in the behavior, is in my control. Detaching is loving myself too. I love my daughter. It is not my right to constantly tell her how to live her life. She's 20, and an adult. I know I can't do this for her. She has to decide to live differently. While I do worry she'll mistake it for me not caring, caring excessively has certainly not changed things either. This site may very well be my saving grace! [/QUOTE]
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