I got a chance to say it all!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Apr 18, 2013.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be able to tell my daughter MY truth, the whole truth, the truth of how her life has impacted me, in ALL ways. Whew! But, the other night, out of the blue, she called with some cockamamie story, similar to the usual stuff............I listened for about 2 minutes and then, I swear, something in my chest area felt like it busted open and without anger or, really, any kind of emotional outburst kind of thing, my mind just snapped into gear and I started talking.

    I told her what it felt like to be her mother, the hurts and disappointments. I told her what I thought about her behavior towards her step daughters and her bio daughter, how much she needs to make amends towards them. I told her how she thwarted all my attempts to help and what that did to me and how her life represented what her beliefs about herself are. I talked for 2 1/2 hours while she listened, did not object or defend and occasionally cried. It was remarkably cathartic and healing for me. I even told her that I had learned to accept that there is a good probability that she will be harmed, die or end up homeless or in jail, that I saw those as her options in life because of the choices she makes. Everything I had ever fantasized or hoped or wished I could or would be able to say to her, I did. I didn't plan it, it just happened, I had no real intention of doing it at all, it was that particular moment in time, the flood gates just opened and I went with it. I did not say any of it in anger, I said it all calmly, with empathy, with love, I simply shared how I felt and feel.

    There is that old adage about the truth setting you free and boy, I feel that now. In my experience, one doesn't always get the opportunity to say all that is in our hearts to the source of those feelings. Like with our parents or our ex spouses, or business associates, so there is lingering stuff which gets harbored within us, like surgical instruments left in a wound, festering inside of us with no outlet. It's kind of like if you have an abcess and it breaks, all the hurt goes away and it begins to heal.

    One time when my difficult child was staying with us, the 4 of us had a family meeting, SO, my granddaughter, my daughter and me. That day was my granddaughter's moment to tell her truth, she went on and on, telling her mother to her face what her feelings were.......... she was brilliant in her clarity and ability to share how she really felt. Afterwards, a little shaken, she told me "I told Mom everything I ever wanted to say to her, and I feel GREAT!" She was free. And, as time went by, I could see how differently she was in relation to her mother, a certain acceptance and compassion, and without any attachments to what her mother did or didn't do.

    I think now we are all free, including my daughter. She now knows EXACTLY how I feel, there are no more pockets of denial or editing, it's all out on the table. There is a certain "lightness of being" that I am feeling now. Good Lord, I've been wrapped in my daughter's life's drama for a very long time................and now, after this moment of truth........I am not. :peaceful:
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Congratulations and what a relief! The best part is you didn't say things out of rage or anger - that's so important. It took you a lot of years and a lot of work to get to this point, and by golly, you're there! I'm glad you had such clarity, honesty and that you feel unburdened.
    I am amazed your daughter hung on for 2 1/2 hours to listen, which is extraordinary in itself. I wonder if she took any of it to heart; I sure hope she did. Between what your granddaughter said a while back and what you just said, perhaps it will make an impact - ever so slowly - on your daughter. If so, wonderful; if not, there are no secrets between you. I'm impressed and so proud of you.
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Wow RE! That's amazing! What a difficult - but necessary - thing for you to do! Hopefully you can all - your daughter included - begin to heal once and for all now.

    Thank you so much for sharing this! You really do inspire me and when you share stories like this it gives me strength.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I envy you. That must be an awesome feeling. Hugs DDD
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    That's a huge weight off your shoulders. I'm glad you were able to let her know how she has impacted your life.
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    When I tried to do the same with my difficult child he started twisting everything I said around to fit HIM so I just became angry.

    I have journaled my feelings and that did help. Not as much as an opportunity to actually have the discussion face to face, or phone to phone!

    Accepting them as they are is not easy and giving up the dreams we had for them is hard too. I hope one day I can be at the place you are now.
  7. Winnielg

    Winnielg New Member

    Wow! I cannot believe she stayed on the phone and listened! Truly fantastic and cathartic for you.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    The truth does set you free. Maybe she needed to hear what you had to say as much as you needed to say it.
  9. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Amazing. So glad you were able to take this opportunity.
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I'm happy for you, Recovering.


  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RE....That is truly wonderful. I think the fact that she stayed on the phone to listen says something too. That has a lot to do with her age I think. She may not be the most mature person in the world but she is older. Im glad you got a chance to do that.
  12. Wow, RE! I'm so happy that you got the opportunity to say everything you had to say to your daughter. What a cathartic experience that must have been for you, especially after so many years.

    You must have done it in a very compassionate and loving way for your daughter to not get defensive and start arguing or hang up on you. Good for you!

    *Maybe it will help your daughter and help her realize the impact of her choices on others, maybe not. But at least it has helped free you.
  13. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Just re-reading this. You know I like to do that.

  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That had to be a very emotional and feeing experience. I am amazed at your ability to put all those feelings into words for 2 and a half hours and to actully get her to listen that long. We were able to tell difficult child how her disease affected us while she was in the treatment center but it was only in perhaps 5-10 minute sessions, the tip of the iceberg. It did feel so good to get things out in the open and have no secrets anymore about how we felt.

    Thank you for sharing that experience
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm so happy for you. You went with your instincts and she hung in there....wow. Big hug!
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member