I got the warrant in the mail today

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Dec 19, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Well, this Saturday will be three weeks since I have seen my daughter!!! She is in so much trouble. I received the warrant in the mail today. She is now facing jail time. My heart tells me to comb the streets looking for her but my head says no way!!! I wish I had a dollar for every time I have done that over the years. I know logically there really isn't anything I can do for her at this point. Looking for her would be pointless as she knows what she is doing. She knows she is in violation of a court order, she knows she will be arrested, she knows the longer she stays on the run the worse it will be. So, she knows all of this, yet she would rather stay gone, HER CHOICE - right?

    I have been doing really well detaching. Don't get me wrong, this is constantly on my mind, every minute, no matter what I am doing I am thinking about her but I am holding it together. I haven't cried in a few days. I haven't fallen apart in about a week. I do have moments in the day where I feel profound sadness. I guess that is par for the course. I am learning to live with it though. I feel bad for her, even though she chose to do wrong I can't help but feel sorrow for my poor baby girl. I really hope she isn't out there destroying herself. I just keep telling myself that even if she is there isn't a darn thing that I can do about it. That helpless feeling is hard to live with. Mom's are supposed to be the fixers, the saviors, the soft place to fall, so not having the ability to "help" her is very difficult. Yet, even when I was right in the middle of it all, fighting for her to get better it made no difference anyway. I logically know that her life will only get better when she wants it to and when she steps up and puts in the work. Emotionally it is very hard to accept. I am making progress though. I kind of feel guilty that I am not as upset as I usually get. I feel like a bad mother because I am detaching. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, I guess I am not used to it. I am not however, feeling too guilty to the point that I will cave and jump back into her drama. I WON'T!!!!

    Thanks for listening. I hope everyone is doing well. God bless. :)
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Shawna. It really stinks when you see them making such awful choices. Sending hugs, prayers, and lots of strength for you to keep on detaching.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    No advice- Just send hugs, support, and good thoughts! I think you're handling this a whole lot better than I would be so I might be digging up these threads by you a couple of years down the road!!
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Yet another reminder. Like you needed that. So sorry.

    You're doing so well in handling this. It has to be heartwrenching. But, you're right. She has to be the one to want to change. You've been such a warrior mom. Some of that had to sink in with her somewhere, on some level. She's just not well enough, nor mature enough, to see it.

  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Shawna - wow you really have come so very far with handling this since you first joined, it's almost astounding. Your strength comes through in every post and every response.

    My heart goes out to you, i can't imagine how difficult what you are experiencing is.

  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    You are doing great Shawna. I know its hard, but it is really fruitless to search for her. Save you energy, enjoy your easy child, and wait until she is ready for help. She will hit a bottom one day. Then you can work on rebuilding your relationship. Hugs.
  7. Transparent

    Transparent New Member

    I can't imagine and don't want to. Kudos to you for being so strong though.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Shawna-Bran, I am so sorry.

    I love this part:

    My heart tells me to comb the streets looking for her but my head says no way!!! I wish I had a dollar for every time I have done that over the years.

    I hear you! And you are doing very well, under the circumstances. Good job! Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

  10. I don't have any advice either, I just wanted to offer some hugs. You know you are doing the right thing, your daughter is an adult now - and I use that term loosely, mind you. She needs to be responsible for herself, the natural consequences are hers to own, not yours.

  11. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Shawna,
    yes, you are doing the right thing. Sounds like your head knows it, your heart hurts. My therapist tells me often that by detaching from my difficult child 1 and setting boundaries I am actually helping her. I think you are doing the same--what you are "not doing" is helping her more than you know and more than actual "helping" would!

    I know what you mean about feeling guilty for not feeling bad! I go through that too, it has been hard to overcome.

    You are awesome!

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    oh Bran...if I had a dollar for every time I messed up with Cory.........
    But he is doing better now. Not perfect but better. She will come out the other side too.
  13. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Shawna ~ (((Hugs))) to you!

    I just went thru this a few months ago ~

    My son was "missing" but called me to bail him out after he was arrested for possession. It was hard but I said NO ~

    At least I knew where he was and he had a bed and food ~

    YOU ARE doing the right thing ~ Hang in there!

    It is better she learn this now and hopefully hit bottom then let things escalate and have a warrant for something "bigger" in the future.

    It will be OK ~ I promise!!


  14. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Did you mail the previous letter? Mail this one also. I guess she knows by know that if she wants to enjoy a proper meal she has to lie low until past Christmas. I don't know what they serve in the county jail, but I think that the standard is somehow lower than in our jails.

    Because she is ill, she wont react as every else, who would have surrendered or left the state. Either she is going to surrender shortly after newyear just to include the party while on the run or she is so naive that she thinks that she could surface after her 18 years birthday with all problems gone.

    It is too late to change. If she in fact is hiding where you guess the she is somewhat safe and hopefully the others don't trust her enough to let her in on their deeds.

    I will pray for her safety and wish that the Christmas spirit will find its way to your house.
  15. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    No help, just hugs

  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Just remember she is not doing this to you. She is doing this to herself. You just happen to be someone who desperately loves her and is watching her destroy her life.
    It is like watching a movie, the heart wrenching parts, and you can do nothing but watch.
    We can only hope and pray that she chooses the path that leads to a happy ending.
    You really are doing an amazing job and are a true Warrior Mom!
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hugs and kudos to you, Shawna/Bran. You are doing a great job!! Separating heart from head has to be the toughest thing. One thought I had was that, although we see our roles as Moms to be savior, warrior, fixer etc., another aspect of our roles is to insist that our kids learn to stand up as adults, taking responsibility and initiative. Some of our kids learn this easily, and some need us to step away and let go before they will learn it. So your actions are the actions of a loving, caring Mom who will even do what causes you pain in order to give your daughter what she needs. In this case, what she doesn't need ... a parent stepping in to solve everything and take away the responsibility.

    Hugs again. You are an inspiration.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I can't offer a shred of advice that you are not already doing. This is the hardest thing that you will ever do, and big props to you for doing it. Hugs hugs hugs.
  19. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Adding my ((hugs)). I agree with- what's already been said above. You're doing all you can.
  20. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you guys for all of the words of encouragement and hugs. Much needed!!! I am feeling a bit sad today but not falling apart. A friend of my daughters, the one that she is in contact with, came by last night and told me that a mutual friend saw my daughter on 241st street in the Bronx. If anyone is familiar with that area you know it is a horrible place, filled with crime, prostitution, gangs and lots of shootings. He saw her talking to a well known pimp/drug dealer. She of course did not tell him she ran away. He said she looked good, clean and well groomed. My daughter told her friend that she was selling drugs. So lets hope and pray that is what she is doing instead of prostitution!!! So with that news I am feeling very nervous today. I also told her friend not to tell me anything else about my daughter unless it is a phone number to contact her on or a time and place that I can have her picked up. I just can't live with hearing more dreadful things about her. She understood and said she would not tell me anything else that would upset me.

    So now, needless to say I am so worried that she will end up with AIDS or dead. Her friend told me that she doubts my daughter would be prostituting herself, she thinks she is selling drugs. And I really hope that is the case, however I wouldn't be too shocked if she is selling her body. How sad is that? Either way I know that there isn't anything I can do about it. It is just extremely hard to live with. I am trying so hard not to feel guilty about pressing charges on her for stealing my credit card but if I hadn't done that she would not have runaway. She is only on the run because she doesn't want to go back to jail. She wouldn't be facing jail had I not pressed charges on her. I wouldn't have pressed charges on her had she been a "normal" child and I was able to give her my own consequence. But I can't, she does what she wants no matter what. She had already put us through hell many, many times so I felt I had no choice. Here I am trying to justify what I know in my heart was the right thing to do. I guess I am second guessing myself and I know I shouldn't be!!! This life *****!!!

    Thanks again,