I gotta ASK!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 2tired, Aug 31, 2008.

  1. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    This morning when I was getting ready for church, the phone rang, and it was the Dekalb County Police. I decided not to answer the phone. I felt that it had something to do with my daughter. Thread - The Saga Continues- Anyway, it has been 3 weeks since she ran away. Called me Thurs. & Fri said she wanted to come home. Well, I am so TIRED, and knowing that I just don't feel like I have the strength to deal with what's to come, and not wanting to "BE STRONG", I just don't want her here. Is that wrong? I know some will think so, and some will not. I had a breakdown at church today - of course, because I know it's not "His Will" to feel this way. I could say I can't help it - but I can - because I have gotten through over 7 years of "HE*L. She will be 17 in Oct - . Before she left, I was a prisoner in my own home- keeping doors locked, car locked, keys in my bosom, purse locked up, etc, and I absolutely hated it. I can't put everything of value, or that I don't want her to get her hands on - I don't like her, (but she can be so sweet), but on the other hand - (diagnosed at 8 yo. with ODD - those old behaviors, the blame, the vindictivness, and everything else that goes with it - I'm just tired. I've had so many devastating things happen to me even before she was born, I am just exhausted and just don't want to deal with it anymore. On the other hand, that's my first born - and if I put aside how I feel, and consider her, that means I continue with the drama in my life. In my heart, and in His will, the later is how it should be. But I am so tired. Help me please. I wil lbe alittle more receptive - ON SUNDAYS!!! When I talk to my family, and say - what do you do with that - of course no one knows because they haven't been through anything like this - and for so long. I know after she came back from her last 3 week runaway - the sight of her nauseated me - and that's if I looked at her. I walked by her as if she wasn't here - and that was hard, but I was so angry. I'm stuggling with this and I know talking to her, and getting her to do right - she will apologize and we'll be back to dealing with whatever her problems are - guilt being one of them.... Thanks in advance.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Wow, I can understand how tired you are. I think that for now you can realistically say that you were at church and unable to answer the phone. But, at 13, there is a lot of time for your daughter to grow physically and emotionally before she has truly molded herself. Wait until you are strong enough, I mean, steel yourself for it, then call them back. I would think that even if your message is "I can't control her or keep her at home and I am not prepared to have her live in my house", at least you get to be a part of the process instead of her just being shuffled around without an advocate of any sort, at their will.

    I understand not being able to keep her in your house. But, she's still very young and she's still your daughter. I don't feel like it would be right for you to walk away at this point, no matter how tempting that is.

    {{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I"m spiritual, but not a member of any organized religion. But I can tell you how I felt about my own daughter after she kept using drugs and wouldn't help herself and the cops kept paying us visits and I felt like the roof was going to collapse on our heads any time. If there was peace at all, we knew it wouldn't last for long.
    She didn't run away and until she was 18 she lived with us. But there were times I both loved and hated her with a passion. There were times she disgusted me with her constant dramas that were all due to her drug abuse. She had so much support and she didn't want it. And sometimes I just wanted her to go away.
    At eighteen, after she had been doing this game with us since age 12 (she used drugs at 12), we finally gave her a choice: Enter a drug rehab and stay clean or leave. She chose to leave. She did not have any real diagnosis. Now that she is cleaned up, both she and I suspect a mood disorder (now that she's clean she won't use any medications though--she is trying naturals). I digress: I felt like you and I don't think God or anyone else expects us to be Saints. We are human.
    If your daughter is willing to cooperate, and it doesn't sound like she is, a new evaluation may tell you more about why she is like she is--ODD rarely stands alone. But with her attitude, it probably won't do any good to evaluate further because it doesn't sound like she wants help. I imagine she is also abusing drugs.
    At any rate you have big hugs from me. And I think your feelings are perfectly normal. You can dislike somebody you love. You can even lose that love for a little while.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    It is not God's Will that you or anyone else suffers. He hates pain as much as we do. God has given everyone a free will. That is where the problems of the world come in. When people are looking out for only themselves, they make selfish choices that hurt those around them.

    Kids are people too. They also get a free will. Many kids live in the moment - they only see what will make them happy this very second. They do not look ahead to see what might happen. So, they follow their in the moment plan and end up in trouble.

    difficult children are harder to parent because they can't always connect the consequence with the action. One example: When difficult child was about 5 yrs old, he and the neighbor boy decided to throw sharp landscape stones at the leaves to make them fall from the trees. One stone landed on difficult child's head resulting in a trip to the ER for stiches. While there, I asked difficult child if that was a good idea to throw those stones. He replied, "Yes, that was cool." He would have easily returned to stone throwing when he got home. Just didn't see the connection and that it could happen again.

    I don't really have any advise - not sure what I would do - what is the law about refusing your minor child to come home?

    If she does have to come back, set up some comfy chairs outside the house with a table of beveridges and snacks. Before she can step foot in the house, you two are going to have a very long heart to heart talk. "difficult child, you are 17 yrs old. I can not believe that you have been happy with your life up until now. We need to discuss how our home is to kept calm and peaceful - how everyone in it will respect each other and the house rules." Then present a "contract" that includes curfew, the type of language that will not be used in the house, chores she is responsible for, access time to a vehicle (or none), what meals and services you will provide in return (all meals, laundry needs, ect.).

    I send you strength in whatever decision you make. Hugs!!!

    p.s. You may want to update your signature now that she is 17 yrs old.
  5. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Your difficult child is will be 17 in Oct? (Your sig needs updated.) I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I so know the feelings of anger when your difficult child reappears. My reaction was the same as yours. Walking around her as if she was not there. It took me a long time to warm up and have any inkling of trust with my difficult child. The hardest part is not knowing when our difficult children will finally decide that they need to do something different and actually do it knowing that the other way of life just is not working for them anymore. (Not the life they want). Its tough because us Moms and Dads want our kiddos to become productive citizens within society but we do not have the power to make that happen. All we can do as parents is provide the appropriate tools and hope that they grasp on willingly. I agree with MidWestMom, You can love someone but not like them for who they are. Its hard having to be around someone that continues to make bad choices and attempt to come back at their convenience. How selfish of an act is that, For your difficult child to think its ok to **** you back in at her convenience. My difficult child was on the streets(Her choice) for about three months and I let her know straight up that I was not here for her convenience and refuse to tolorate her antics. She eventually hit rock bottom after deciding that she no longer wanted that lifestyle and although a lil rocky at first she has definitely changed for the better. Has a job (But she needs to learn to manage her $, Lol!!) Hugs to you....
  6. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    "and the house where she was, the adult wanted to find out what she needs to do to foster my daughter. She never calld me. However, she was told that she was aiding and abedding a runaway - so somehow, my daughter is no longer there."

    Another thought, I don't know that I would believe that she is no longer there unless this woman being told that she is aiding and abedding scared the bejebbers out of her. You have to wonder how many other kiddos she has harbored. It surely does not help matters when you have people like that doing what they believe to be rescuing young teens or young adults. If I had ever been put in that position (And have been) I would be tracking down the other parent to give them heads up as to where their kiddo is as well as telling the kid to go back home. If I had to I would also be calling the police to let them know of this runaway. Its crazy we as parents do have a tendency to go into protective mode when a young teen or adult is in trouble and sometimes it is for valid reasons. (There are boundries) I have learned well from my difficult child. She can be very creative in manipulating others into believing that her life here was so bad and abusive in the past and these people actually believed it. Most difficult children are gifted at that. In my opinion its their way of escaping or their way of trying to find justification for their bad choices within themselves (If capable) as well as a way to s--- in other parents to help rescue them. There are also those difficult children that just want to be free of having to live by any rules or morals that their parents have in place. These were all of the reasons why my difficult child hit the road when she did. And of course getting with the wrong crowd did not help either. Its always nice knowing that your difficult child is ok but not when someone is enabling the situation and making it easy for your difficult child.

    Just recently I have noticed that allot of teens have taken the high road thinking its all good to pick where they live. (Usually a friends house) I wonder why these teens think that they are entitled to do just that. My nephew did the same thing when he was a teen but it was him going back and forth between his Mom and Dads. The Step Mom was having some major issues with him and when I went to go get him she was blaming his Mom for basically everything (Drama). My response was that it was all three of the adults, Not just one because it is these three adults allowing a 13 year old to make adult decisions period. I went on to tell her that you all are just being drug around by the noses by a 13 year old that has the power to decide when and where he wants to live based on his not liking the rules at one house one week then escaping to the other. Geeze now that I think of it, Its kind of like he was thinking that the grass was greener on the other side and visa versa on a weekly basis, Lol!!, How confusing for a 13 year old. But you know he only got away with it because the adults allowed it.
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2008
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Sorry - I missed that she is nearly 17, not 13. Still, 16 is too young to be on the streets. I wouldn't let her come home under the circumstances. If she is cold and lonely and frightened, it sounds like a good time to admit her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Right when she's realizing that her choices aren't working out so well.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear your exhaustion. I feel it.

    CAN she got to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? That would be a great solution, if you can get together with-the police, a psychiatric and whomever else you need. That way she doesn't have to come home but you know she'll be safe.

    I really know how you feel. Sometimes I don't know if I even want to type any notes and I just stare at the screen. These kids s*ck the life right out of you.
  9. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    coming from someone who was ready to dumo her 17 y/o on the side of the highway this evening when he was calling me a bleeping farm tool, I can relate.

    Honey you're beyond tired, you're chronicall exhausted!

    I know some will think so, and some will not. I had a breakdown at church today - of course, because I know it's not "His Will" to feel this way

    It is not His Will for us to be abused by anyone either, even our children. Who by the way at 17 in biblical times would be considered adults.

    Are social services involved>? You could always tell them where she is and tell them you do not want her home. Now I am ify on this one, because I have told them to take difficult child I away and they wouldn't, but I am told, if you insist that "you're afraid for your life" that they will have to keep her.

    <<<HUGS>>> and prayers for rest.
  10. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    My difficult child spent consecutive 18 months in 1 Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - and directly into a locked facility for 9 months, from age 11 until almost 14. She was in DFACS custody then, because she went to school and told them I harmed her - (which I didnt), I wouldn't let her have something she wanted. Backing up - at 9 she wrote her first suicide note, that got her 11 days in acute care, at 10, she wrote another note because she couldn't go somewhere. Whenever she was told no - or couldn't have something, I paid for it somehow - mostly she took sharp objects and cut up furniture or carved through wood tables, cut my clothes, threw valuables out -- no end to it. I thought the last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) had worked it out - and prior to her leaving there- they had recommended Outdoor Therapeutic program, but she broke her ankle - and it straightened her up- DFACS gave me custody back and she was home for two years, with normal teenage stuff.

    I have no idea where she is - but I do know that she isn't at that home anymore, because she called to come home. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is out, I don't have any insurance, but I am looking into it, and the state have drastically cut funds, and those places aren't considered.

    There is no talking with her, no level of reasoning, because in her mind, she hasn't done anything. As far as the police - they do nothing, they are a BIG JOKE. All they will do is have me pick her up - and I live in a small town, all of the officers have been here at some point or other and I get nothing from them - they barely take reports. Basically, my option is to give up my parental rights and pay the state child support - which I think is really my only option - other than when I go to court with her - I can tell the judge or ask - for particulars, such as having her evaluated, or whatever - but I will go in there with some suggestions and hope that the judge isn't a butt and will assist me, but assistance is like a needle in a haystack - I've been there before with her.

    I know being a prisoner in my home isn't what I want. As far as drugs, I don't know, it's very possible, and i will ask the judge if she can be drug tested.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Your post certainly rings true to a lot of our experiences. I know how tired you are of her and her antics. I wish I had some words of wisdom. There is not a lot you can do for a 17 year old who only wants to use and abuse you.