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Family of Origin
I grabbed the family bull firmly by the horns
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 706021" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>You are the unsung hero of countless people, pigless. I truly mean that. I don't know how hard that conversation is, but I did see my dad get ready to have it with my adopted grandpa, and I know it tore him up something fierce. I do wonder if there is more to CQ's denial than just denial though.</p><p></p><p>Living with someone with Alzheimer's is very hard. Even if you deny the deficits, you are living with a very large toddler. Remember the tantrums that your children threw as toddlers? How they threw things, hit? Now imagine someone the size of an adult doing this? There is NO reasoning with a toddler, no matter what size they are. MANY people just let them do what they want because it saves them from a tantrum. </p><p></p><p>My adopted grandpa was kept at home by his wife for a very long time. I went over to visit one day and my adopted grandma did not have time to put makeup over the bruises, so I saw all of them - the new ones and the old ones layered on top of each other. Her husband would not lay a finger on her in violence in his right mind. I went home knowing something was so very wrong, that he was totally gone from us. I had still had some hope until that day. </p><p></p><p>Shortly after that day, my adopted gpa could not be found. The keys to their main car were hidden, but he had managed to get his old rust bucket truck running and gone for a drive. He meant to go to the university 7 minutes away. He ended up 4 hours away. He was found when a nice man noticed him at a "gas station" trying to use a "pay phone". It was actually an antiques store and it was an old phone booth that was for sale and not hooked up, but the man was very sweet and figured out that Gpa needed help. This was the last time Gpa drove. The rust bucket was sold as junk and Gma had to keep her keys locked up. </p><p></p><p>Could some of CQ's attitudes and her denial be because your dad has outbursts of rage when he cannot remember things? This is apparently part of the disease for some people. They get very frustrated and end up reacting with rage. Loved ones bear the brunt of the rage and some of them won't tell anyone because they feel shame that all is not perfect in their lives, or because their loved one is sick. Often they won't even tell the ones closest to them that this is happening. </p><p></p><p>Even if it isn't that bad, your dad could be much harder to live with than you know, and that could be behind some of CQ's current reluctance to accept limits to what he could do.</p><p></p><p>You still did the right thing, and I am proud of you. I know it was so hard. I think Mark is just a total jerk and needs to shut up. So what if he is the executor. That doesn't put him in charge of squat until AFTER someone is dead. Your dad is still ALIVE. There is a big difference there, if Mark can tell the difference. He needs to either start helping or get out of the way. Maybe he should lay down in a parking lot and let your dad try to drive around him, then parallel park next to him? If he can do that, then Mark can have a say. Sorry, That was WAY sarcastic and NOT meant to be serious. Sometimes these things just pop out. </p><p></p><p>I hope that your family works its way through this with minimum pain for you and for everyone else. I also hope your father does not hurt anyone with his driving. Part of me thinks that anyone with a prescription for alzheimer's medication should need to take a driving test every so often, put that would put a big burden on the system. I just cannot think of another way through this to take some of the burden off of the family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 706021, member: 1233"] You are the unsung hero of countless people, pigless. I truly mean that. I don't know how hard that conversation is, but I did see my dad get ready to have it with my adopted grandpa, and I know it tore him up something fierce. I do wonder if there is more to CQ's denial than just denial though. Living with someone with Alzheimer's is very hard. Even if you deny the deficits, you are living with a very large toddler. Remember the tantrums that your children threw as toddlers? How they threw things, hit? Now imagine someone the size of an adult doing this? There is NO reasoning with a toddler, no matter what size they are. MANY people just let them do what they want because it saves them from a tantrum. My adopted grandpa was kept at home by his wife for a very long time. I went over to visit one day and my adopted grandma did not have time to put makeup over the bruises, so I saw all of them - the new ones and the old ones layered on top of each other. Her husband would not lay a finger on her in violence in his right mind. I went home knowing something was so very wrong, that he was totally gone from us. I had still had some hope until that day. Shortly after that day, my adopted gpa could not be found. The keys to their main car were hidden, but he had managed to get his old rust bucket truck running and gone for a drive. He meant to go to the university 7 minutes away. He ended up 4 hours away. He was found when a nice man noticed him at a "gas station" trying to use a "pay phone". It was actually an antiques store and it was an old phone booth that was for sale and not hooked up, but the man was very sweet and figured out that Gpa needed help. This was the last time Gpa drove. The rust bucket was sold as junk and Gma had to keep her keys locked up. Could some of CQ's attitudes and her denial be because your dad has outbursts of rage when he cannot remember things? This is apparently part of the disease for some people. They get very frustrated and end up reacting with rage. Loved ones bear the brunt of the rage and some of them won't tell anyone because they feel shame that all is not perfect in their lives, or because their loved one is sick. Often they won't even tell the ones closest to them that this is happening. Even if it isn't that bad, your dad could be much harder to live with than you know, and that could be behind some of CQ's current reluctance to accept limits to what he could do. You still did the right thing, and I am proud of you. I know it was so hard. I think Mark is just a total jerk and needs to shut up. So what if he is the executor. That doesn't put him in charge of squat until AFTER someone is dead. Your dad is still ALIVE. There is a big difference there, if Mark can tell the difference. He needs to either start helping or get out of the way. Maybe he should lay down in a parking lot and let your dad try to drive around him, then parallel park next to him? If he can do that, then Mark can have a say. Sorry, That was WAY sarcastic and NOT meant to be serious. Sometimes these things just pop out. I hope that your family works its way through this with minimum pain for you and for everyone else. I also hope your father does not hurt anyone with his driving. Part of me thinks that anyone with a prescription for alzheimer's medication should need to take a driving test every so often, put that would put a big burden on the system. I just cannot think of another way through this to take some of the burden off of the family. [/QUOTE]
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I grabbed the family bull firmly by the horns
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