I guess I am going back to the daily grind

[Steely]

It has been exactly a month since my sister disappeared - and a couple of weeks since we found her deceased. I have worked probably a week of that, but have not been able to work the rest due to needing to be in Oregon with family. I have had a couple of days off this week, but have been sick with the flu. Tomorrow I will be back at work full time.

Seriously? I feel physically drained, and emotionally blanched. The prospect of sitting around here does nothing for me - but the prospect of working and being around people all day is giving me hypothetical hives.

I have not even dealt with my grief..........or the bills, or difficult child, or the house. Yet, life has to go on. Just hoping you guys will send me more of your amazing cyber strength............to get through yet another stage in this horrible journey. I will find happiness someday, right?

 

[mstang67chic]

One day at a time, sweetie, one day at a time. And if necessary, one hour at a time, one minute at a time....whatever works.

Is there anyone you could call at work ahead of time or right when you get there that could pass the word on if you want to talk about it or not? If not I would just nicely tell anyone who comes up to you that unless it's work related and you HAVE to, you're just not up to talking to people about it. You're here (work), you'll do your job but you just can't talk.

One day you will think of H with a smile or laughter and not cry. Could be 6 months from now....could be a couple of years....but it WILL happen. Take it on your own time though. And if any moron gives you attitude or comments how it's "been X amount of time already, geesh", smack 'em!

You will get through this.

 

[klmno]

Here are many cyber (((HUGS))) being sent your way...!

I think you are doing the right thing by going back to work. But, you can plan a day off for next week, just to be alone and catch up with some things that are nagging you to be done, and cry if you need to. Answer questions I post here (just kidding- but I do find your responses helpful!!) My guess is that these things will help you get back into it all. Grief takes a long time - I'm sure you know that, and that it has different stages.

Hang in there- you have many friends, a difficult child who needs you, a life of your own, and it will be more "do-able" as time passes. If it doesn't, you know the routine for depression- go talk to someone, get medications if you need them for a while, etc.

 

[nvts]

Hey Kiddo! You'll notice that the first of everything you do over the next year will be tough. The first day back to work, the first holiday, the first birthday, the first birth, the first funeral, the first Turkey day...they'll all be tough.

Each one is going to be difficult to anticipate how you'll feel, what you'll do, etc. Once you're prepared, they'll be easier to bare.

After the first year, you start to notice that you've gotten through it all. The pain gets easier after each "occasion", and the good feelings get stronger after each situation is overcome.

For me, I believe that when someone passes, a small piece of them lives on in each person they "touched" when the walked this world with us. The more people that you gather together, or even the more memories that you share, the more pieces come together, it's almost as if they're there.

After my mom passed, if the 6 of us get together something always happens to let us know that she's joining in. She had these HUGELY ugly really tall salt and pepper shakers that she knocked down at almost every meal. Inevitably, when we're all together one gets toppled.

Feel better, feel what you feel, and let us help!

Beth

 

[4sumrzn]

Yes, you will find happiness someday. It takes time, just as everyone has already said.....each time you make it through another "first", that will be a step towards being stronger. You will, over time, build up what it takes to be at peace with what has happened & you will find that happiness you are wishing for. Sending many {{hugs}} to you.

 

[Steely]

Gosh, thanks you guys. I am glad you feel I am doing the right thing. It does not "feel" like it, but I "think" it is the right thing. Besides my checkbook, insists it is the right thing.

Yea, I had not thought of this as the first of many firsts - but you are right.

It is weird - sometimes I do have peace with this whole thing. The other night - I really felt like H. was there in my bedroom, just pouring and filling me with peace and love. (I know, it sounds weird - difficult child just looked at me when I told him that and told me that was creepy - but really, if you have had someone you love die, you know what I mean.) But I do feel peace sometimes - as if H. is just skipping and dancing around, somewhere, being the person she was always destined to be - and I am the one missing out on the fun down here.

Other times I experience grief so extreme that I cannot even feel it. I can only feel it knocking, tapping at my soul - telling me it is there. I am afraid to feel it - I am afraid I may never make it back out of there.

 

[GoingNorth]

Thankfully my sister is alive and well, but I can speak from the standpoint of losing a spouse nearly six years ago...

There is NO timetable for grieving. We each get through it in our time as is right for us. It is hard work, too!

No one can tell us when we should be "over it", and I can tell you that while it is something that I've accepted, the grief and anger still hit sometimes.

Grief is something you survive and not necessarily stronger than before. Different, yes, but not necessarily stronger or the same as before.

You have suffered a terrible loss under awful circumstances. All you are feeling is NORMAL for you.

Do feel free to PM me if there's anything I can do to help.

toK

 

[tiredmommy]

You know, my father died on a beautiful sunny day in May. I came home from the hospital, husband Took Duckie out for a bit and I laid on the bed for awhile, immersed in my thoughts and emotional exhaustion. I was horrified when I realized that I could hear cars driving by, children playing and birds singing. I had the curtains pulled shut and they were intruding. How dare they!

Steely, life has a way of going on. We are seldom prepared to move forward. I couldn't comprehend the fact that world didn't stop, not even for a moment, when my loved one died. But life is for the living and death is for those that have gone before us. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

You will get through this, and all those firsts, without H. It doesn't seem possible now, but you will.

Many gentle {{{hugs}}} to you.

 

[Star*]

So what time do WE have to go to work tomorrow ? I thought I should warn you of the list of things I will be packing as I am a "lister" and an overachiever in organizational skills.

We have :
1.) filled the tank with gas tonight -
2.) checked the air in the tires, and water and oil
3.) laid out our clothes to wear
4.) checked to see if our purse and shoes match
5.) socks and undies
7.) purse has all junk removed and filled with necessary necessities
8.) Set the alarm
9.) Locked all the doors and windows
10.) Set the trash out
11.) Coffee ready for in the morning and OJ in our bottles
12.) We have our morning snack packed, lunch, afternoon snack
13.) A few dollars for emergencies
14.) Tissues - you know we will need tissues
16.) Sewn button on winter coat
17.) Dishes are done
18.) All kids homework done, teeth brushed - in bed - lights out
19.) Here - have a glass of wine
20.) Okay - got a good book - now go sit in bed -
21.) Set the TV timer to go off at 11:30
22.) Checking list - checking - kids' lists for lunch money books etc...done
23.) Porch light on
24.) Sticky notes to get stamps for sending cards to friends
25.) Imaginary aloe for imaginary hives
27.) Duct tape - just hand it to those who are insensitive tomorrow
28.) Dang tape works for everything dad was right....note to self
28.) Your 28 - LIGHTS OUT.

Oh and in case you THOUGHT I messed up and missed a number - it was the number between 5 and 7 - but since you are SINGLE you get no 6

HA
get it?
NO YOU DON'T
YOU GET
NUN
HA.
Now print out the list - go to bed

 

[mstang67chic]

So what time do WE have to go to work tomorrow ? I thought I should warn you of the list of things I will be packing as I am a "lister" and an overachiever in organizational skills.

We have :
1.) filled the tank with gas tonight -
2.) checked the air in the tires, and water and oil
3.) laid out our clothes to wear
4.) checked to see if our purse and shoes match
5.) socks and undies
7.) purse has all junk removed and filled with necessary necessities
8.) Set the alarm
9.) Locked all the doors and windows
10.) Set the trash out
11.) Coffee ready for in the morning and OJ in our bottles
12.) We have our morning snack packed, lunch, afternoon snack
13.) A few dollars for emergencies
14.) Tissues - you know we will need tissues
16.) Sewn button on winter coat
17.) Dishes are done
18.) All kids homework done, teeth brushed - in bed - lights out
19.) Here - have a glass of wine
20.) Okay - got a good book - now go sit in bed -
21.) Set the TV timer to go off at 11:30
22.) Checking list - checking - kids' lists for lunch money books etc...done
23.) Porch light on
24.) Sticky notes to get stamps for sending cards to friends
25.) Imaginary aloe for imaginary hives
27.) Duct tape - just hand it to those who are insensitive tomorrow
28.) Dang tape works for everything dad was right....note to self
28.) Your 28 - LIGHTS OUT.

Oh and in case you THOUGHT I messed up and missed a number - it was the number between 5 and 7 - but since you are SINGLE you get no 6

HA
get it?
NO YOU DON'T
YOU GET
NUN
HA.
Now print out the list - go to bed

23.5) Have another glass of wine.



Oh and Star? You're just not wired right. LMAO

 

[ML]

Everyone has given great suggestions. I especially like the one about taking a day off next week to catch up things. Maybe a checklist like star typed out isn't such a bad idea!

I went to a co-worker's funeral today. He died suddenly of a heart attack. I was friends with his sister. Once the shock wears off the next step of going on must be that stage of anger you hear about. Like someone else said, how dare life go on! But it surely does. And yes, you will be happy again. The pain will ease with time. I'm really proud of you, Steel. Hugs, Michele

 

[flutterbee]

Steely -

I don't think things are going to 'feel' right for a while. Like others have mentioned, how is it that the world outside hasn't stopped because it certainly feels as if it had and it feels as though it certainly should stop and stand still for the loss of a loved one.

I think a large part of grieving is just going through the motions of day to day living. Eventually, and that day is different for everyone, things will start to feel almost ok, then maybe ok, then maybe good, then almost good. And there will be days in between that don't. But we keep going. Life keeps moving forward.

((((hugs))))

 

[VickiL]

Steely,

I agree with everyone...grieve at your own pace and DO NOT let anyone tell you that it's time that you should be "over this by now"!! It does get easier, but you will make leaps forward and then two steps back. It's a process and doesn't just happen overnight or a month from now or six months from now. I lost my Dad 17 years ago this August and somedays it feels like it was just yesterday. And I do feel like he is with me at times, right by my side. People have looked at me strangely when I've said that, but if you've experienced it, you just understand and know that it's real! You lean on us all you need to. Just take it one day at a time right now and if works gets to be too much please do ask for help. Hopefully you work for an employer that understands. It makes it so much easier.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely

Often it is the getting back into the daily grind that helps us see that life does indeed continue on. Doesn't mean you can't still grieve. And you will.

Sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hugs

 

[Wiped Out]

Offering my cyber shoulder, sending hugs, and saying prayers as you head back to work.

 

[Shari]

Steely, oh sweetie. Big hugs.

Ditto what everyone else has said. I especially want to ditto Beth's post. The year of firsts is so hard, and no one warned me. I lost my dad a year ago suddenly. I expected the first holiday without him to be hard, but no one told me it was the first EVERYTHING that was hard. We got thru them all fine, we dreaded them as they appreached and survived them not too much worse for the wear. Somehow, we even managed to enjoy most of them. The first time a friend lost someone close to them suddenly, tho, I was overcome with it all again. Just heads up. These guys here tell me that's normal. And I had no idea to expect it.

Right now, just put one foot in front of the other. Make yourself go thru the motions of the day. In time, you'll find that the motions get a little easier, the burden a little lighter, and the memories are more of the happy ones and less of the sad ones. Eventually, that empty hole will start to fill in with an immense love and peace for your sis, replacing the hurt that's there now.

Sending gentle hugs.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I really can't add much; everyone has said what needs to be said.

Sending you an unlimited supply of cyber-strength.

 

[dizzymum]

Hey Steeley,
When I lost my twin brother at 17 in an RTA, I was null and void of emotion. I couldn't give in to the breaking that I felt for fear of never getting up again. I did not want to feel, passe. It hurt.
What you are feeling is normal, let me assure you. I think grief is measured by the depth you love someone. I am now happy to have known such complete love with my twin but the flip side was losing him and his understanding of me.
I feel for you. Don't suffer alone trying to answer those continuous questions that haunt you. Go to bereavment counselling, I wish I had. It would have saved me a lot of heart ache.
Much love from across the water xxxxxxxxx

 

[hearts and roses]

Steely
Often it is the getting back into the daily grind that helps us see that life does indeed continue on. Doesn't mean you can't still grieve. And you will. Sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs

Ditto. Sending hugs and support.

 

[Steely]

Hey Steeley,
When I lost my twin brother at 17 in an RTA, I was null and void of emotion. I couldn't give in to the breaking that I felt for fear of never getting up again.

I think grief is measured by the depth you love someone.....the flip side was losing him and his understanding of me.

SO well said - thank you. H. and I were close in a forceful sister way, almost like twins, and you just echoed exactly what I have been feeling. Losing her understanding of me...........oh man.

And Star - girl! You are a riot. Thanks for my list -
but I want number 6 on my list! Not fair, not fair! Meanie.