I guess I made difficult child mad!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Feb 4, 2012.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My difficult child called me this AM - he was released from Baker Acting himself - and has no place to go - no money - no car - absolutely nothing. All of the homeless shelters are full and he says that he has no friends left, they don't like girlie. I told him no wonder they don't like her she is a b****. His sister and I talked during the summer about her being very controlling and trying to cut him off from family and friends. It's not entirely her fault - it takes two and he is a follower.

    I have tried calling his friends to see if they can pick him up and he can stay with them for a while. The two I am trying to reach are life long friends. There is no way he can live with me - no place to work and no way for counseling in this small town. Which is in my favor because I do not want him here! I am so tired of him and his drama and all of the messes he gets into!!!! I don't hear from him for long periods of time, he doesn't remember Mother's Day, my birthday, or Christmas, but he sure as hell will call when he screws everything up and he is on the ground.

    The only time he was making an effort was 1 year ago for about 1 year. He was clean and sober and apologizing for being a crummy kid, I really enjoyed talking to him, it was the first time I could say that for a very long time! But his thinking is screwd up - how does he think he can go to school full time and not work. When I talked to him this week he was trying to think of a way to stay in school - I had to keep telling him YOU HAVE NO MEANS OF SUPPORT - YOU HAVE TO GET A JOB!!!

    I just could not help getting angry and telling him I have had it at 33yo he still acts like a two year old and the world doesn't revolve around him. I was close to yelling and I told him he had to get into counseling and grow up, that he is 33yo and has nothing to show for it.

    It had been 3 hours and he was suppossed to call me back to see if I had reached anyone and he hasn't called. I guess he is mad at me for yelling, but I am so frustrated at this immature brat!

    I don't know what else to do for him or with him - the chances of him getting help in Winter Haven are slim because it is so small - he has to get to Orlando about an hours drive away.

    Yes, I'm upset because it never ends with him. I am trying very hard today to say it is his problem and he will find a way.

    It does make me feel like a failure as a parent - but I know that we ALL have to take responsibility for our lives - especially at his age. I think the constant threats of suicide when he fights with girlie are just threats, and they did release him.

    I'm just so tired of every thing!!!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It seems like now is the right time to disengage and let him figure out what his options may be. If he was able to call you then I assume he can call his old friends. Honestly that is important that he take ownership of his problems and find a solution. The Baker Act is used for immediate intervention when there is an immediate threat that someone will seriously harm themselves or others. If the patient is found to seriously have a problem they are most often released after the evaluation and given medications to take. Unless someone is stark raving mad they rarely keep them...and if they do, it has to go before a Judge for approval.

    in my humble opinion you are in crisis and he is "in need". Please consider letting his shoulder his problems and try to concentrate on your own health. Hugs DDD
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thanks, I have spent the entire day reading, meditating and praying. I realize that it is his decision and he will try to manipulate, and drag me down with him, it's my choice not to let him as much as it is his choice to live this life style. It's still hard to see your child suffer regardless of the age, but he is not ready, if he ever will be to change. I think he still thinks he can drink and use recreationally and he still doesn't see it as a problem.

    I am retired and I will not spend my savings that I worked hard for 33 years on this problem!! I have comfort in the fact that I did everything I could to help him when he was younger, he can't make me feel guilty. And thank God their are no children!

    My mistake was reacting in a negative manner!! I have to work on that difficult child always makes the situation seem much worse than it is and I realize that. I am back in detach mode!
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    HUGS Tired, You are really strong and doing well... may not feel like it but the things you are saying are really good, taking time to ask for these wise friends to help and taking time to think and process.... Hope you can relax a little bit and find something to take your mind off this a little bit.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Is it maybe time to put your phone on silent and let him deal with his things for a while? You are totally right in thinkng it is time for him to create his own adult life, but it will take some determination on your part. And maybe becoming deaf to his pleas or not answering the phone when he is calling. After all, if he is in crisis he has proven he knows how to get help, hasn't he?

    Take what you would spend supporting him and get a therapist for yourself, and then use the rest to do something FUN or that you have wanted to do for a long time. He has enjoyed an extended childhood or teenage period, so he will experience growing pains and be unhappy about them. YOU grew up just fine so there is no reason to subject yourself to that, in my opinion.

    Congratulations for getting him out of the house - that was a HUGE accomplishment!! If his stuff is still there, maybe put it on the porch and if it isn't gone in a few days contact freecycle and let those who want it come and get it? Then redecorate the room as a library or craft room or something you will enjoy!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tired, none of this is your fault. You didnt set out to ruin his life. You made all the decisions over the years to make his life the best it could be. I am sure of that. I really doubt that you made decisions thinking that oh boy, I can screw up his life right now so that when he is 21, he will be a mess...or that when he is 25 he will do this that or the other. And the gosh, when he is 33, he will be homeless and he can blame me. Oh that is just what you set out to do right? What mother sits back when her baby is born and thinks like that? Well my mom did but not normal ones. I know you are good mom because you came here. My mom would have never tried to get help and she sure wouldnt have come to a place looking for support.

    Now...about your son. Please let him figure this out on his own. He is 33 years old and he needs to grow up and learn to take care of himself. I have a 55 year old man sitting in my house right now because he has become homeless again for the umpteenth time and worn out his welcome at everyone else's house so now my SO is the the last brother that will help him. If I had my way he wouldnt be here. He has supposedly been clean since around September. Who knows. He is a complete idiot with health issues that worry me. He has no idea how to really support himself except for menial jobs and he is a just a mess. He actually thinks Burger King is a fine dining place! This will be your son if you keep rescuing him.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Maybe I can help put this into a new light for you. At 35, I was a grandmother for the first time. Yes, that's rather young, but still.

    The 32 yr old daughter that made me a grandmother at that age is still as immature as a 14 yr old, and as about as responsible. She has got to learn to stand on her own. Up until last year her biomom propped her up, when biomom could no longer support her family, she up and dumped her and came here. Her rude awakening has been that I prop no one up. I'll help someone actively helping themselves, to a certain degree, but I'm not doing it for her. So far it hasn't gone over very well. Too bad.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    No wonder you are tired, you have been going through this a long time. I feel tired of all of what I have been going through and my son is only 20 so you have many years on me. I really feel for you because it is so hard to continually worry and wonder what you can do. As long as you are there to help pick up the pieces he will not figure it out on his own.... so I do think it is time to let things fall where they may and let him figure it out for himself.

    If you haven't already i hope you can find a good parents alanon group. I have found this immensely helpful in the last year. Interestingly the guy I talked to at the possible sober house yesterday asked me two questions... one was could I say no to my son (yes) and did I go to alanon. When I said yes he commended me and said that is what I needed to do.

    As they say in alanon and I have come to really believe this... you didn't cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hmmmmm, your 33 year old son is mad at you because you got frustrated while listening to his feigned helplesness in addition to trying to find him a place to stay? Please think about that. -RM
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2012
  10. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thank you everyone, it was a bad day! I know what to do but my 'protect my child' mode kicked in and I have to keep reminding myself that he is no longer a child, even if he acts like one. I had to get back to 'protect myself' mode.

    I needed to have mothers going through the same thing reinforce my decisions.
    Society (and families) look down on mothers that 'don't fall in front of the train' to save the kid much more than the dads.

    I was also let down 'cause I thought he was doing so much better, but I was in denial, the signs were there. Yes, you can tell when they start to relaspe. Even though I did not see him in person I could tell from the phone conversations, that here we go again.

    In our small town we do not have alanon, but I have been A LOT before and I found online alanon support. I read all of the info and made plenty of notes to refer back to. I had to get past the emotions and look at the situation. And as alanon points out, it is sad to see adults in the 30s+ that will financially ruin the 60+ parents and not think give it a second thought.

    I also have a very supportive, not emotionally attached husband. My daughter has been feeling guilty that she can't let him live with her, but she has 2 teen PCs and I told her not to feel guilty cause it would not be a good idea for her household.

    Have a great day everyone.