I guess it started out innocent enough

[Big Bad Kitty]

Don't even know how to feel right now.

Tink had a friend over yesterday, then they went back to her place for a sleepover last night. Today the mom calls me to tell me that her daughter came into her room crying last night, saying that they had done something bad at my house. She said that her daughter explained to her, in gory detail, images she had seen of X-rated material on Tink's computer.

O. M. G.

So I pick up Tink and investigate her browser history. Nekide girls, big bubies, girl's haveing sex (all misspelled). I also see that she had been looking at this stuff for at least a few days.

She was slow to admit what she did. She feels horrible, like she knows she did something wrong. She said that she did a search on boys kissing girls, because she wanted to know what it was like for when she had a boyfriend.

May I remind you that she is EIGHT.

OK, so one search led to an image, or a video, and her curiosity got the best of her. And it kept going from there. I am sick to my stomach.

I told her that she is not in trouble, that I am not mad at her. But I cleared her history and set up parental controls (OK, I thought I already did that? WTH?) I now get a report of every site she hits. But after setting the controls, I can still access those sights. What am I doing wrong?

I have a headache. I thought only boys did this.

 

[Shari]

Yikes, Kitty. Eight????

And I thought easy child 2's little similar incident was bad at barely 11. Scarey.

Not sure how your controls work, but hopefully someone can help you with it. Sounds like they're needed.

FWIW, I think you handled it well, tho. Hugs.

 

[KTMom91]

Do the parental controls have site blocking capabilities? I know AT&T does; Miss KT has been most unhappy with me in the past. AOL does as well.

Checking with son #2, the computer wizard, for the best blocking program. He'll let me know, then I'll pass it on.

 

[Suz]

I had really strict parental controls from AOL on Rob and he was still able to access all kinds of lewd places. So many of them have "hidden" search words or pop up in searches for innocent things, it's almost impossible to police unless you are sitting with her when she's online.

I know there are programs out there you can use. I expect someone will have some suggestions for you.

Suz

 

[Jena]

sheesh 8 she's so young to be wondering on that level. I'm so so sorry you have to go through this.

What I can say is that we found out boyfriend's son who was 8 at the time was doing some investigative work of his own regarding womans, boobies spelt wrong lol, etc. we attritubed alot of it to his mom turning gay years ago and living with a gay couple. there's going to be alot of questions.

Did you and Tink discuss why she was so curious about all this besides the boy kissing thing??? You have to set locks' on the computer and have aol send you an email update everyday which websites she's viewing. that's what i did with easy child and with difficult child. taht was the only thing i was able to control with easy child

boyfriend asked his son questions, we thought maybe he had seen something somewhere else that peeked his interest and got the curiousity going, yet we kinda knew where that curiousity was peeked more or less.

maybe now you should have the sex talk too. i know your probably cringing 8 is young, yet she wants to know. these are just my thoughts, what we did than as well. I know no parent is ever prepared at 8 to have that talk.

(((Hugs)))

 

[gcvmom]

difficult child 2 was very curious about this type of stuff at about the same age. But then, he's also the one with the Mood Disorder-not otherwise specified (aka, Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP)) diagnosis. When he was manic, he was doing all sorts of inappropriate stuff for his age, I'm sorry to say.

difficult child 1 did some online searches this year I found out, and also on my iPhone which has internet access. I expect that for someone his age, though.

We only have one computer for the whole family, with separate accounts set up and parental controls, including time limits for each. Plus, they need a password to access my or husband's account. I regulate theirs by changing the time they can access it. We keep the machine in the main living area. Because of how easy it is to access porn online and especially because of the boys' difficult child-ness, I have to have these arrangements, and they can only use the computer while I am home to supervise. There's just too much risk otherwise.

But yikes, I can see why you'd be shocked and feeling a bit creeped out. I think you handled it very well. At least now you know what you need to do to protect her from her own curiosity.

Have you bought any books written for girls about their body for her to read? There are lots of great resources out there for parents with curious kids, written for all different age levels. I ran out and bought a bunch of books for difficult child 1 this year after I learned of his porn surfing and it opened the door for conversations about sex, sexuality, human development, relationships, etc. He doesn't always want to hear what I have to say, but he needs to understand that there's more to this aspect of human nature than the thrill of a peep show.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Hugs}}} BBK. Maybe you should move the computer into a public area.

I'm going to move this over to General because this is most definitely a difficult child-related topic.

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry. been there done that.

I would warn you, don't explain too much. I told my difficult child everything, because I thought he'd seen everything.
NOT. He saw what he saw. No extrapolation. I keep forgetting how literal aspies are.
I have no idea how much your daughter really knows.
But she certainly knows more than she did last wk.
Would it work if you told her that looking at pictures won't help, because some of the pictures are posed, so it's not real life? And when she's old enough to really kiss someone, it will just come naturally.
Sigh.

 

[bran155]

I can relate all too well. When my daughter was 5 she slept over a friends house and actually did inappropriate things with her friend. The grandmother found them. Let's just say that my daughter was under the covers and her head was between the other little girl's legs!!! I was also sick to my stomach and humiliated!!! Thank God I was very good friends with the parents. Another time when my daughter was even younger, around 3, my friend and her 3 year old son were over. We went into my daughter's bedroom to find him on top of her with her legs in the air and they were actually going through the correct motions. We were horrified!!!

To some degree I think it is normal for them to be curious however, it's the age that concerned me. Where do these kids get these ideas from? I had no porn in my house, in fact I didn't even have cable back then!!! I don't know.

My easy child son is now almost 8 and I haven't noticed anything inappropriate with him as of yet. He is however, fascinated with his little pee pee. He loves when it gets "strong", his word. So cute. lol He asks why woman sit as they use the bathroom and men stand. But nothing that is alarming.

I am so sorry. I know the horror you are feeling. Were you able to smooth things over with the parents? I hope so.

Good luck with the computer.

 

[Rotsne]

Parent control does not function very well. It am IT-consultant in my normal work.

At our school they did test a lot of websites just to make sure that they could allow them on a positive list (A page not on the list means no access).

So they used them and among them was a game site. My kids used the same list and then I caught the youngest in a game with condoms and etc. The positive list was worth nothing!

I have given up trying to protect them from X-rated material on the internet. Even the Arto websites (equal to your myspace) have pictures of youth in almost nothing, so I rather have them looking than touching if you understand what I mean. And Yes, I have the cracked their codes to their Arto's so I can edit unwanted contents from their pages if I see it.

We have been visiting the Glyptotek with both the children where you can find 1,000 year old X-rated material and the other museum with the oldest shortly after she became 15 because 15 is the legal age of consent here.

I am sorry that the little girl became scared.

 

[BusynMember]

Girls are curious too--more than you'd know. I remember talking about boy's parts and looking at Playboys at 11, but not 8. Not sure why 8 unless she is going into an early puberty. Yikes! Good luck!

 

[klmno]

Personally, I think she's at the age of curiosity and it isn't quite the same as trying to have sex. My son started on the computer too (google searched "nekkid women"). I think the problem is the internet making way too much available too easily- in my humble opinion. My son got a whole lot more graphics than what he bargained for with his google search- I checked history on the computer and he got everything from homesexuals (men and women), group sex, and sex showing bodies that were partly men and partly women. He was about 8. I think what he really was looking for was a plyboy photo. Not that I would have allowed that- I wouldn't- but I think most kids at that age get curious because they've learned enough about it all and giggled at school enough times about it that they want to know a little more.

 

[Marguerite]

A suggestion - I may be stating the bleedin' obvious, you've probably already thought of this; but she needs to know that if there's something she wants to know, the internet is NOT her first port of call, Mum is. If she wants to know what it's like to kiss a boy, she should ask her mother. SHe should feel free to ask her mother, and not feel embarrassed about it. Because the internet is NOT where she will get the most useful information, where this is concerned.

I do agree, you don't just blurt out everything. But as she asks questions (and sit her down and ask her, "What do you want to know? Ask me - if I don't know, let ME find out for you,") then answer them. If she asks, "Where do babies come from?" then you answer THAT question. Don't tell her how they get in there, unless she asks.

I grew up on a farm, and despite my being there for most of the births, I still took a long time, much longer than usual, to find out how the babies got in there in the first place. Frankly, I wasn't interested in knowing. The interesting thing for me was the birth and having baby animals around.

Every kid is different, but they are all the same when it comes to wanting to find out this sort of thing. The age can vary - I finally learned the facts of life at 14, when a friend of mine, aged 8, told me what she had been told by her newly married cousin. And what SHE had been told was really badly distorted!

These days when our children are vulnerable to exploitation, they unfortunately need enough information to keep them safe. We've had to educate them more than we perhaps would have wanted, if only so someone else didn't tell them first, in ways we didn't want to happen.

Good luck with the net nanny software, but never trust it. They have it at the local school, and I remember when I was teaching my class after school and some of the boys were showing me what they had downloaded - it was rough! They shouldn't have been able to access it from the school computer, but they had. The teacher never checked, she had too much faith in the "protective software".
I'm a snitch - I reported it. But I heard tat kids still were easily able to defeat it, and the kids teach each other how to beat the school system, so they can then use the skills at home.

The trouble with net nanny software, is it often blocks out useful information too. For example, I hear Yahoo is removing images of women breastfeeding, yet is allowing up some other rather inappropriate stuff. Let's say a kid wants to research works by Michaelangelo - a lot of the images would be bleeped out because they are of naked people. Even on this site, I'm amazed at some of the words censored out, and others allowed through. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense (as in, why is the word for someone who practices politics, bleeped out on this site? But I digress).

All I-m saying - encourage her to come to you with questions, by being open about answering what she wants to know. And also keep your eyes open and check. All these things you're probably doing, I just thought I should mention it.

Marg

 

[Steely]

Oh Kitty........
Its always something, huh.

As people have mentioned, parental controls are for the birds. Most computer savvy kids can hack their way right through them. Probably increasing your presence in her room will do the same thing, or better than a computer program.

As for her age. Shoot. These kids nowadays are inundated with every form of sexual connotation, innuendo, or thought since they are able to turn on the tv. And kids are sexual stimulated by certain things from the time they are born. It is no surprise that this happened in our day in age - what is surprising is how well you handled this! Some parent's tendencies would be to ground the kiddo, instead you talked with her. Kudos. She did not know she did anything "wrong", she just found something completely off the charts that peaked her curiosity more than the normal, average, every day thing. And of course she had to show it to her friend. Sigh.

 

[ML]

Manster was 9 and he and his friend did something similar. She was 10. I was in the next room and heard them giggling and busted them! I agree, the internet makes this information way to accessible. Hang in there, Hugs, ML