I guess she's back with him...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Jul 5, 2009.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    L is a part of our bunco group. It's at my house this coming Thursday. I sent out invites last Wednesday by evite. Most everyone responded, except for L and her friend (whom I could see had not even looked at the evite) and another lady who always waits until the last moment.

    Friday I send L an e-mail on Friday asking if she was coming. No reply. I sent her a PM on Facebook, too. Today was my "I'm calling subs tomorrow if you don't answer me" phone call day. I called L and her friend and the other lady and left messages. L called back and said "What do you want?" I told her I needed to know if she was coming, I am arranging for subs tomorrow. (FWIW, you have to have 12 for bunco. It can't be 13, it can be 11, but someone loses a prize that way, so you need to know you have 12 in advance.) L says, "Well, I don't know if I can come, because boyfriend is going fishing with his friends on Wednesday, and if then if he spends time with me on Thursday that's his only day off that we can spend time together."

    This is how she tells me that they are together. I didn't even ask for details. I don't know for sure where she is living, although I did call her father to talk to him and of course he didn't call me back. Anyway, then she asks if she should ask boyfriend if he will sub with her and then they can be together here. I told her no, I would be calling subs tomorrow and needed to know whether she was coming. She twisted it around a few times, wanting to know if I knew who I would be asking, I told her I had it under control and would call someone else if she wouldn't let me know either way by tomorrow, and if there was an open space for her later on, she could join us. Period.

    For crying out loud, his first choice is to go fishing with his friends on his day off. He's not planning anything with you in advance. Figure it out!

    She pm'd me about an hour later and said "I guess I'm going to make it on Thursday." OK then. I feel like I should anticipate a hissy fit in the near future. I didn't make a big fuss and ask her how she was or tell her what to do. I'm just biding my time, waiting for a chance to talk to her about my thoughts when she doesn't have her defenses all up. I might as well be talking to the wind.

    I'm frustrated. I would like to say something, but I know that she is waiting for me to say something so that she can pick a fight with me. I'm not going to play it that way, not with this conversation. She can pick a fight, but she's really going to have to work at it, because I'm not stepping into the punch, if you will pardon the metaphor.

    Harumph. I've been grinding my teeth all night, and I've got a headache. But I have better things to do tomorrow.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmmm. Wonder if they really are together.........or perhaps she was hoping to spend time with him to sort of slide into them being together. I think that came out weird......but it's a weird manuver I've seen other females make. lol Without realizing it the guy suddenly finds himself back into a "relationship" with the girl he'd just broken up with.

    With Nichole I wait until she complains about boyfriend's behavior to talk about it. Otherwise, like you said, she gets all defensive and won't listen anyway.

    Now, you've got to tell me, what the heck is bunco???
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Sorry Witz. This has to be so incredibly difficult.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It does sound like she is waiting for you to bring it up so she can have a tantrum on you. Let it go.
    Disengage. You know this situation will come up again as it has in the past. What you were doing didn't seem to make a difference so I would say nothing until she brings it up.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    It is almost impossible to not say anything - I understand - after you wait andwait and nothing happens or nothing is said and you stilll have your same old frustrated feelings about it - it seems that you could try and say something just to help yourself and you are right be prepared for her to get defensive and brush it off. Let me know how that works for you!!!! This is just my opinion - nothing factual and surely not from an expert!
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Lisa, Bunco is a dice game that is really simple. Usually there are 12 people in the group, and each person hosts the game at their house on their particular month of the year. There's 3 tables of four people and you roll 3 dice in turn. You roll for 1's, each 1 being one point (or 2's for one point on their turn, etc.) until someone rolls three 1's, (a "Bunco") or the "head table" gets 23 points. Then you switch tables and partners and roll for 2's, then 3's, and so forth. Depending upon how much time the evening is taking, you go through the six sides of the dice six times. Everyone pays $10 to play, and there are 5 prizes divided out of the $120. $40 for most Buncos, $30 for Most Wins, $20 for 2nd most wins, $20 for most losses, and $10 as a wild card among those who didn't win anything else.

    It's a cheap, fun, easy way for you and your friends to stay in touch once a month.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Bunco sounds like FUN! I never knew what it was, though I have seen games for sale. There was a Barbie Bunco game that was $50 at one store. Seems like it was overpriced, esp since it didn't even come with a Barbie doll!

    I am glad you have a fun outing iwth friends each month, and that you didn't let L cause a problem with it.


    As for the problems with L, your instincts on how to handle it are, as always, right on target. It is a shame that ex hampered her development so much by supporting her for so long.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am sorry for your sorrow.
    I would just let her know (when you can do so calmly) that if and when she ready to talk about it all, you would like to talk and to always feel free to contact you if she needs safety. I would detach emotionally. Have you checked out Families Anonymous?

    Bunco sounds like FUN! I've always wanted to learn. Good for you! Awesome! :D
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You know, talking to some of you here, about L and about our other kids, it is beginning to hit me that she might be this way for the rest of her life, and there's not a darn thing I can do about it.

    I was telling husband last night that one thing that I found very frustrating is that while I may think she's a total dimwit who is trying to take a shortcut (shortcuts never work in real life) to a good life, I have never said that to her. I have always told her how much faith I have in her that she can be anything she wants to be. Both things are true. But I would never express my hard feelings about her to her, because in reality I was just like that. Not that way until I was 26, but earlier in life. I'd like to think that because I moved on that she could move on. But, I met husband, and she hasn't met anyone who loves her that much. I realize now how lucky I was. But she'll tell me that she knows I think that she is a dimwit who takes shortcuts. Maybe it's just because she thinks that she is a dimwit who takes shortcuts, too.

    Grrr.... Gotta let it go. It's her life, not mine. One day there might be an opening to talk to her, but this isn't it. I'll just have to keep my eyes open.

    Almost forgot... I talked to her dad last night about how it is that they got back together. He said that the hitting happened last Saturday, he met with them and talked last Sunday, beginning Monday boyfriend was calling and texting and so was she, and Wednesday they were back together. He said that he was going to "get back to his new bride." I said "Well, at least you and your new bride aren't living with your 26 year old daughter." He said, "Not after those four days!" I guess it wasn't a rose garden...
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    It's not widely known in the hostess world - but punch is best served with duck.

    I too have recently wondered if I were going to have a kid that was going to be like this forever - it's a hard blow. YOu hope eventually they grow out of some of it. Maybe......the stress of her dads "new bride" is the cause of some of her stress? That's got to be hard on a kid at ANY age. Still no reason to take it out on you - but.....if HE was the one serving advice on relationships? WOW.....yeah....great job. :sick:
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Nah, her dad has had a "new bride" of one kind or another ever since L was 2. And he wasn't divorced from her step-mom until L was 7. :rolleyes: And he has been living with this woman and her son for the past 3 or 4 years. I think that if anything is setting her off, it's that her dad has cut her off financially.

    I think it's a good thing that they did this four day stint with her living there. I had taken the time to point out that he needed rules if she stayed longer, and I think he was hesitant. Now that he sees how bad it can be to have her live with you, and that she totally ignored his advice - let alone didn't even thank him for intervening - I'm pretty sure that should this happen again he will be setting rules in advance. That would be a really good opportunity for both of them to grow into knowing that not supporting her lifestyle is real.
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am totally familiar and totally "get" what you are saying in terms of it beginning to hit you about the possibility of it being this way "forever." One hopes not...but recognizes the possibility. It is not a pleasant realization. It is not easy to work with. Have I mentioned the word "detachment" to you??? LOL!
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I was so busy detaching thinking "She's going to come out of this so I don't need to worry" that I didn't bother detaching by thinking "She's going to be this way forever."

    Yep. Life is a process. Eventually I will get to detaching by thinking "***, it makes no difference to me one way or another."
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I wish I would get to that point. that is makes no difference. How do you do that?
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I think as moms, we are obligated somehow to hold out a glimmer of hope that all might be well someday. I think we need to have a some hope and faith that our difficult children will find health. We can pray and appeal to our Higher Powers for assistance and hope that something will touch our difficult children and that they will see for themselves their own self worth. We can place this burden onto something/someone greater than ourselves. I know this sounds rather "metaphysical," but I don't want to put it out into the universe that things will not get better. However, I do understand logically that this is in the realm of possibility. I just do not wish to cement it with a thought or comment. As with anything, I can not control another person's behavior. And, of course, past behavior is an indication of future behavior. I see that certain things are within a possibility. I do believe that change is always possible. I even believe in miracles. I hold hope...but I stay with my feet on the ground. It's a weird place, but one that I have grown comfortable with. To even acknowledge the "forever" thing was difficult...but I know that this is a possibility and have put that in my mind as one of the possibilities...and like I said above...I've given this over to a "higher power."

    Understanding all the possibilities, turning it over to a Higher Power, a certain "acceptance," and working on my own life, has provided relief. We can and must move forward. We can refuse to let "difficult child business" interfere with the business of life. We can refuse to take responsibility for adult difficult children making poor choices. We can recognize, accept, honor, appreciate, respect and cherish our own value in this world and we can do this by enjoying life "anyway." AAF
    Lasted edited by : Jul 7, 2009
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thank you. Just the words I needed today. I appreciate it. Have a blessed day!
  17. ML

    ML Guest

    I just want to say that I think you are doing well. She is still fairly young and only recently had to face that she was responsible for herself and no one would continue enabling her financially. Give her some time to come to terms with that. I am so sorry she is making the choice to be with someone abusive. I will pray that she finds the strength to make better choices that are in her best interests.