I Guess that *I* am the difficult child...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DaisyFace, Apr 1, 2012.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    because it makes no sense to be surrounded by this level of crazy at all times! It must be me....I must be the crazy one and I must be interpreting the universe in a bizarre way....that is the only thing that makes sense any more.

    Sister #1 rarely speaks to me. Last time she did (several months ago) it was to give me the date for her wedding. Told me all about this wonderful outdoor autumn wedding she was planning. I told her it sounded wonderful - I promised to be there - I wrote it on my calendar.

    Today, Sister #2 told me that she is looking forward to Sister #1's formal summer wedding. What? Evidently, my information is completely wrong. She not getting married outdoors and she's definitely not getting married in the fall.

    Talked to my mother the other day - she talks about being lonely and depressed and she never has time to see anybody.

    Then I find out that Mom just spent an entire week at Sister #2's house. And this weekend, she is visiting with Sister #1s family. So I guess the only person she doesn't have time to "see" is me!

    I'm starting to think that *I* must be the difficult child of the family and that my relatives are making excuses to avoid me...

    Either that, or I am just a HUGE loser.

  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Nope, you are sane. They are all difficult children! At least you know where your difficult child gets it from.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Or they are just so wrapped up in their lives they don't think of others? Yeah, maybe THEY are the difficult child's! HUGS, DF.....You are a wonderful person....
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thank you for the votes of confidence!

    Does anybody else get this sort of treatment from their family?
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I feel left out of my family quite a bit. I know a lot of it has to do with Q but this even happened when he was very little.....like the time my sisters bought matching outfits for their boys (and I was letting one of them live in my house) and they went and got pictures of the "boys" done. It was really hurtful as people got so excited to see the pictures and put them up on every grandparents refrigerator....I know one of my nephews is having a bd party today and all the other kids are there. Just kind of sVcks. they love us but get so wrapped up in their own world and dont put forth the extra effort that I actually love put forth, it is not an effort for me so I do feel sad at times.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Take it from someone who's whole family (with only a couple that arent') are difficult children, you're the sane one. LOL

    There is a benefit from moving 2 states away, trust me. :)
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    I do! Sometimes I just gotta yell:uphere:

    AND my family isn't all difficult children. Not really anyway. Dad is an Aspie so communication isn't his forte so I guess it just trickled down to us girls. But still, I'm always the last one in the loop.
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Yes. Not to hijack, but I'm dealing with a huge level of resentment dealing with my inlaws. I keep telling myself "I'm just an inlaw".
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    It is SO not you. I am very lucky in my parents, but since I'm the only child they don't have much choice. But husband's family - GAH!
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hijack away, TM!

    It helps to know I'm not alone with this family nonsense. And yes, a "buffer zone" is good...but !

    Is it really too much to ask for a little family togetherness once in a while? All I ever wanted was some sense of 'doting grandparents' for my kids and some level of adult relationship for me. Instead, me and my kids always seems to get the "chopped liver" treatment...
  11. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Excuse me -- what is the "chopped liver treatment"?

    Love, Esther
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    LOL! I'm sorry for using a colloquialism. The actual expression is "What am I? Chopped Liver?" - meaning that a person has turned their nose up at you as though you are stinky meat.

    When I say that my kids get the "chopped liver treatment", I mean that somehow, their school events are never important enough to attend. Their birthdays are not important enough to be ackowledged. And for the holidays? I have seen other relatives receive large, expensive, brand-new items while my children are given items that are obviously second-hand.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I do. I keep hearing about how local sister "had to make the decisions that were best for her kids." I think they are referring to her not inviting my boys to her son's birthday parties but who knows. She does a lot of good volunteer work with the school and church but she is very opinonated about how others should live their lives and I don't meet her "expectations". Whatever.

    Same sister also implies and occassionally outright says that I shouldn't visit my cousins cause it would be an imposition on them; yet she visits them every year with her kids.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Me too. My perfect brother and his perfect family...well, you know.
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Ugh! What IS that??? So rude! and infuriating!!!
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DF... Move up here. My parents will adopt you. If not, I WILL!!!
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Me too! And Step and I are close enough I can do it too, no sweat! LOL
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I get this from my family and my extended family. They ALL think gfgbro is SOOOOO GREAT and if they got whatever I am on their shoe they would throw the whole pair away.

    We moved to Cinci because I have a TON of family there. My aunt who has kids my kids' ages BEGGED to be the emergency contact at school. INSISTED on being the sick care while husband and I worked. But EVERY time school called her (both of them in the 18 mos that they had her number) I got a HUGE fuss over how her kids were going to get so sick and how rude it was that I couldn't take care of my kids when they were sick. Um, she had them for twenty minutes each time and I PAID her. She also kept our cousins three kids wehn they were sick ALL the time and that was NEVER a problem - just my kids were. But cousin's kids were not terribly bright and let her bask in the sense that her oldest was the smartest, most handsome (he looked like a troll doll with-o the hair that stood up - I didn't say it, I heard it at the photographers and school and the entire rest of the extended family said it!) and most amazing child on the planet. Wiz was WAY smarter and faster to think of things and more creative and more polite around other people, and that threatened her.

    Our extended family has the oldest person in each "branch" tell the kids and grands when there is an event like a reunion or special birthday. So this aunt was supposed to tell me about these things. In seven years we found out about two of them before they happened. An HOUR before they happened so we could not get off of work or tell a team that we had a family commitment and would not be there or would hae to leave early. She even gave my godmother the wrong address deliberately so that I would not be invited to her sons' weddings! TWICE - two different wrong addresses!! I know because I ran into my godmother the day AFTER the weddings and she was really hurt that I didn't even rsvp a no or send a gift. I told her I didn't know and apologized, but she wouldn't even let me send a gift late because she was so hurt! She showed me the address and it was on teh complete opposite side of Cincy and I lived 2 miles from my aunt and godmother!And my aunt knew it!!

    EVERYTHING we do with my parents is taking advantage of them accordng to my brother. My mom has been super angry because I kept asking her if we were causing problems or if this or that was too much to ask of them. I have told her over and over that hearing my bro tell us 40 or 50 times about how awful we were for making her cry or leaving her home totally trashed (apparently a popcorn kernel on the table and not sweeping up the cat hair from my mother's cat in her home before we left - not our cat, my mom's cat in my mom's home after we had dinner there and she told us not to sweep or do the dishes is leaving the place trashed!) each and every time we were there, esp as he goes into stories about how she cried on his shoulder or complained to him about it, makes us think there is SOMe truth to it.

    of course that was until I cut him out of our lives. That was because my parents took Wiz to Europe and bro was feeding their cats. We were told to come by and cuddle the cats every day or two because bro is allergic but he could get there every day and husband was working out of town. So he did the feeds and we were to cuddle and play with the cats so tehy didn't get destructive from loneliness. He decided to "finish" the remodel of the bathroom (and my mom had to tear it out and spend a bundle of $$ on new tile and supplies because he totally botched the job and did what she told him NOT to do - his pattern), and then we stopped in one day and left water spots on the kitchen sink because we washed our glasses and hands and had the NERVE to not dry out the sink with a towel before we left (who wipes out the kitchen sink on a daily basis when it is just water drops from scrubbing the sink after washing dishes? or after rinsing hands?)

    We had just buried our cat in their backyard -with their permission, next to our other cat and the dog I grew up with - it was Wiz' request that we bury her there. That was the day we left a "disaster" meaning water spots in the sink, and bro changed the locks to my parents house and told my parents we refused to play with the cats at all and had said we hated my folks. He left notes about all of that for them. I found the changed locks and called my folks in Europe, almost hysterical because he told us that they had ordered him to do that. They didn't. They didn't fully believe the locks were changed and he had them back to their locks by the time they came home. We had photos of the new lock on the door because if we didn't have proof then he would claim we made it up. My mom still thought we photoshopped it because who would change someone else's locks?

    When I called them in Europe, I BEGGED for their forgiveness and kept saying I was so sorry and I put my keys in an envelope in the mail slot and I promised to NEVER bother or upset them like that. Bro totally made it sound like they were furious and never wanted to see husband or I again. I even promised that they would never be kept from my kids and wouldn't have to see us, that we would just drop the kids off and not come in the driveway or get out of the cars - it was THAT BAD from what he said and wrote to us.

    My dad was FURIOUS - at bro. Of course Mom figured that I was just over-reacting as usual and wouldn't let him chew bro out. We lived with my folks for 2.5 yrs and at least once a week bro told us how we were taking advantage of them. At the saem time they bought a home and acreage for him to live on, paid his utilities and phone because he couldn't pay them on time and they had to be in the property owner's name (he told them this because his credit was so awful that he couldn't get an account but they didn't know this until 2 yrs later!), and paid for him to go to college and for his child's daycare and his divorce and his wife's medical bills while they were married and for his daughter to be in sports and cheerleading and at least 3 other things at one time. My kid? Had one activity at a time and WE paid for that.

    Bro does this constantly, and tells my mother lies about me saying/doing things and hating her and she buys it after he says it 40+ times. I know 40 s a big #, but we have COUNTED him saying things to triangulate us from my parents because he cannot triangulate husband and I from each other or our kids or get husband to go to bars and find strippers and sleep with other women. He tried ths off and on for YEARS and husband wasn't into that wehn he was single, and sure not after we married. He will go back over some sin (usually imagined) until you hear it so often that you begin to think it is true. He gets my mom with this almost every time and has for most of my life.

    THIS is why I cut him out of my life, this and cornering us outside the bathroom away from the rest of the family and hitting me or twisting my hands until they are sore and swollen and saying vicious things. When I learned he was doing it to Jess and thank you, that was IT and we haven't seen him except when he forced it by walking into our home with a key he copied from my spare key at my parents. I know where he got the key because my dad heard about it from Wiz (Jess called him hysterical after the last time he did it) and told bro to give the key back or move out of his home (the one they bought for bro to live in) for good. Then dad took the spare keys to our home and cars and put them in a hidden place that he won't even tell my mom about but is locked up. I know where they are, but dont' have a key to get them.

    THIS is the koi my family dishes out. So no, it is NOT you. it truly IS them, just like my mom and bro truly are codependent nuts and he is an abuser to me and mine. Oddly, bro TRULY is not abusive to most people and most think he is the greatest person alive. he is the best parent his daughter has, which is far from hard as his ex is an addict with eating disorders and myriad mental illnesses, and he has a ton of people hwo think he is so wonderful until they see how my kids are terrified of him.

    So that is the proof that you are NO WHERE near being alone in this. in my opinion the more stable and sane and healthy we get, the more the relatives are threatened by it and the more they exclude us. Every therapist I ever saw told me to cut ties with bro and if mom didn't accept it with ehr too. It wasn't until y'all told me the saem thing and I realized my kids had nightmares and panic attacks at seeing bro's vehicle that I did it. I am very ashamed I didn't cut ties long before this.

    I am sorry your family treats you so horribly. Know that it is THEIR dysfunction and not yours that causes it.
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    DF - sounds like you're preaching to the choir...!
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Scatter-brained today... (as usual).
    Meant to add...

    You don't have to be a difficult child to be the odd man out.
    If GFGness runs strongly in the family, and you're NOT a difficult child, you will be the odd-man-out just as surely as a difficult child in an NT family. Know what I mean??

    Anything that rocks the boat, or in other ways challenges status-quo beliefs... automatically puts us on the "unwanted list".

    Not fair, but it's life for many of us.

    (How to split my situation is tougher... I live in a house of 4 difficult children... and both families of origin are 100% difficult child... so, it's difficult child-class-A vs. difficult child-class-B vs difficult child-totally-mixed-up vs. "us")