I had high hopes...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, May 2, 2017.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I had thought my oldest daughter, who just signed up for the Marines, was beginning to start adulting. But I guess I was wrong. I found out that back in February she got a speeding ticket. She hasn't had a job since February so had no money to pay the fine. So she just ignored it. By the time I got a letter to our house from the court the fine had went from $177 To $477!

    The $300 difference is because she did not have her proof of insurance with and when she did not show up for court that was added to the bill. But she did have insurance.

    She also did not file her tax returns which would've been enough to pay off the $177. Now she's lost one of her W2 firms and was convinced she wouldn't be able to file her taxes because she missed the deadline date.

    The company that she lost the W-2 form shut down and is no longer in our community. But with Google I was able to find out how to retrieve a copy on line. Now the problem is getting her to do these things. She agreed to meet with me Thursday morning and then bailed.... Friday morning and then bailed.... Monday morning and then bailed.

    I told her I'm still willing to help her but I will no longer call her and arrange for us to do this she will have to take the initiative and call me set up a time and show up. I told her I will not help her with the fine till we get these other issues cleared up.

    I am afraid if she doesn't get this settled she will lose her license... the fine be turned to a collection agency...and they could put out an arrest warrant for her. Which might keep her from getting into the Marines or at least delaying it. I can't wait for her to go to Boot Camp. I just hope she can finish it.

  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Ah gosh I'm sorry! On the up side, the only up side I'm seeing in this nonsense, if she goes to court and does show she was insured at the time, they'll still likely drop the "no insurance" fine. But missing a court date is no small matter. I'm surprised there's not a warrant already.

    I've got nothing on the taxes. Deadline was the 18th. She'll lose at least part of the refund to penalties now I think.

    Hang in there.
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She technically lives with my son, her stepfather, but basically she has been couch surfing and stays with friends since she graduated high school and was 18.

    She did make one call to the clerk if the court last week, and was told that they can notify the state and revoke her license. And put out a warrant for her arrest.

    I watch the daily bulletin on line, and just today, there was someone arrested for FTA for no proof of insurance. I did contact our car insurance office and have print outs of coverage she can give the court.

    Our tax accountant said since she gets money back, there is no penalty. So...free money idpf I can get her to buckle down and go print out duplicate W2. We would need to go to public library...as my printer isn't working.

    All of this would take a couple hours, tops. But the ball is in her court. Just drives me crazy. Ksm
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  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Once, when my son was driving home from college for Thanksgiving break, he got a speeding ticket in Ohio.

    Now, his brilliant plan was--not to pay the ticket (or even mention it) and just avoid going to Ohio ever again!

    Of course, a few months later, a past due speeding ticket bill came to the house, along with a threat of losing his license if it wasn't paid.

    To his apparent surprise, the states do communicate.

    I had to laugh at his thinking, though. Imagine, in the future he is a forty year old man with a wife and kids, and still avoiding driving through Ohio. Skirting around the state all his life!
  5. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    KSM. How can she "adult", if you are doing the "adulting" for her? Tell her what needs to be done, then get out of the way and let her choose to do it...or not.

    Seriously. Her recruiter will tell her what she needs to do to clear this up in order to enter the Marines, assuming she will be able to do so.

    The fact that she is repeatedly blowing off meeting with you tells me that she isn't ready, whether because she is having second thoughts, or because she is just too immature and caught in a pattern of getting away with things/having others bail her out.

    Let her deal with whatever consequences result from her actions. That's how one learns how to to "adult". (and "verbing" nouns makes me cringe.)
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  6. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    A memory from 15 years ago. I found a notice for our son to appear in court. He had a speeding ticket from another county in our state and there were three "failure to appears". Somehow, i convinced him to allow his dad and me to drive him down (very dumb move on my part). The courtroom was filled with folks who looked as if they had not had fruits, vegetables or air in a long time. The judge asked son why he had not appeared and he shrugged his shoulders.

    His father and I were freaking out.

    This was before he started getting in much more serious trouble.

    So, he was sentenced to a few days in jail...and, what did his dad and I do??? We bailed him out ON OUR CREDIT CARD.....because we could not stand the thought of him being incarcerated in that Godforsaken place.

    We now know what a mistake that was. (huge sigh).

    This was the first and last time we ever paid for any kind of legal stuff for him. And, this (first and last time) was a total waste of money.

    Would he have benefited if we had not paid this? Maybe so, perhaps not. It certainly would have saved his dad and me some $$, while we know paying most assuredly did not help him down the road.

    Live and learn.
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  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I didn't offer to just pay the fine. She would be forfeiting her graduation gift from us...visiting her other grandparents who live out of state and putting the money towards her fines. They have met once. Also her older brother lives near them.

    I am not willing to even do that, until she can find out what her tax refund will be.

    Even though she has an average IQ, she is in the bottom 13% for executive function and working memory. She doesn't function at the same level as her peers. She can stop by the house specifically to pick up an item, and then leave without it. I can tell her Monday night that I am fixing her favorite food, but she will forget to come Tuesday for supper.

    She needs an external brain, and right now, I am it. Most kids with a history of prenatal alcohol exposure have similar problems. It is comparable to a traumatic brain injury. Yes, I could let her fail, and sometimes I do. But somethings are worth helping her with.

  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I see your way of thinking and I see GN's. Of course older daughter needs supports. But the thing is you will not be there for basic training. She will have to do it herself.

    Can she? Is your anxiety telling you that you fear she cannot? Does she recognize on some level that she is over her head? Is the recruiter in this for some benefit and willing to put your daughter on the line?

    I pushed and pushed my son to finish 2 trainings, stay in a reasonable job that required certification, go to college. What he was motivated and able to do was get on SSI and keep it.

    If at some point he is motivated and able to do something else, he will seek the support he needs to do it. There is never just one opportunity. If it feels that way we are pushing uphill, and gravity eventually takes over.

    There were times in my life when I pushed uphill and as result I grew in capacity. The operative and defining word here is: I. I wanted it. I pushed for it. I did it. Older daughter can do this too: when she is ready. No amount of wanting by us can make this different. If it could, I would have changed my son and his life. It did not work.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Frankly, it sounds like, with her challenges, she may struggle in the Marines. They are going to expect her to be able to keep her act together. But she needs help to remember basic stuff at home...some people have challenges that make the military hard. The Marines are also front line fighters in the military. It is far more than even basic training.

    Do you feel it is safe for her to go?

    Does the recruiter know her challenges?

    I do not feel that it is wrong in any way for you to help her due to her in utero substance exposure. She cant help this...it is perhaps not something she can change. But...how will she manage in the Marines? Getting in is not the same as being able to do what must be done. I can not imagine my son who was drug exposed in utero to have ever been able to handle the military. Even many people with no challenges are not fit for the military. It is not for everyone. Not even for most.
    Last edited: May 2, 2017
  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    If she had a job they would just take the fine from her paycheck this is how they do here. So I presume that as an marine they would take from her paycheck.

    Honestly for about 5 years the state passed an law that allows the state to take money from your pay if you have unpayed fines. Better then before when they put you in jail and spent more money.
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If there is a warrant for her arrest, the Marines won't take her...of that I am pretty sure. She doesn't have a job to take money from, and I haven't been giving her money.

    I think she hid some of her history of emotional problems from the recruiter. I think she can handle boot camp...as it will be regimented and very few choices to decide what to do. She will have an external brain there. She needs someone to make her get up, take care of her things, go to bed. She is capable of all those things, but without a reason to do stuff, she will procrastinate. She truly lives in the moment.

    She is intelligent, and presents well. But I do worry that she may not be able to physically complete boot camp. But, I am not going to sabotage her chances. She is 5 ft tall. She scored well on many on their clerical types of job training opportunities. In high school, she completed her CNA classes and passed the state testing with a 94. But had a hard time working as one in a nursing home. When it was a weekend and her friends had fun plans, she would call in sick.

    She won't be able to do that in the military... And when she lived at home, I could help her. She doesn't have that guidance the past year, and is floundering...

  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    No, they won't. Of the four branches, they are by far the most particular. Back when our son had the brilliant idea to go into the Marines to support his girlfriend and her child, his admission of smoking K-2 one time was enough for the recruiter to immediately say "Maybe you should go across the hall and try the Army recruiter".

    Yes, boot camp is VERY regimented. That being said, there are still a lot of things you do that are individual. Memorizing your post orders for example. There is a lot of education and testing that occurs during boot camp that requires the individual to put out the effort during their down time to prepare for, just like going to school.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    ksm. This is what I might do: I might pay the fine, just to clean this up. In this case I would tell myself I am doing it for me, not for her.

    You want her to go to the marines. You believe it is a good opportunity. On balance you believe she can do it. Or at least you believe the risk is worth it. You want this opportunity for her to realize something good in her life. This is really all about you.

    I do not think this isolated instance of enabling will ruin her.

    But the thing is, when is she going? A week? 6 weeks? 3 months? If she is self-sabotaging she could up the ante. She could have more of these crises requiring cleanup. That is what has to be faced up front.

    The question is this: is this a one off deal or is this a domino effect either because of some incapacity in her part or fear and a desire to not go.
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Standing back and letting the chips fall where they may is SO hard. Our son borrowed $5,000 for his wasted year "at" college. At, not in, as he didn't actually attend, just lived in the dorm and blew the loans on weed. Anyway, he's now out for almost two years and has yet to make a payment. He actually had a $0.00 monthly payment for a year - so technically he was "in repayment" status. He should still have forebearances left. All I can do is say, "You're student loan payment is due in May. You need to contact them if you can't pay it." I could pay the $50 payment. I could contact them myself - they still have a power of attorney on file from when he was homeless (the first time) and I talked to them. I want to. But I won't. Because he already knows that not paying will cause a default. A default will add collection fees.

    It's very difficult, when you are so used to reminding them over and over to do things, to just STOP.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My step-son toook out a college loan, too, that he also didn't bother to repay.

    Imagine his surprise when thought he was going to get a big tax refund, and the govt. informed him that it was instead going towards his student loan!

    Interestingly, he decided, rather than start paying the paltry $50 monthly payment, he would just keep things the way they are and let the govt. keep his tax return every year. It been at least three years now. Not sure when they will be paid, but he says he would rather do it that way than try to remember to make payments.
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Boot camp is in October... I wish it was sooner.

    We have about 15 days until it gets turned to collections... I won't pay for anything until we...

    get the W2 printed off website.
    Go to the court and show proof of insurance.

  17. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    He has nothing what are they gonna collect?
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The problem is, the debt never goes away, the penalties and interests keep increasing. so a $200 fine could become $2000... My daughters fine will have a 26% interest rate added to it...

  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    We cannot be protected from life's consequences, because that is how we learn. Your daughter is learning.

    You have done a great job with her. This could be worse in a million ways. It is to your credit, that it is not. Yours and hers.

    It shows very good judgement to even consider the military. If she is open to this, she will be open to other good things.
  20. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Copa.

    I am hoping she can do this. I want her to succeed. But deep down, I worry it won't work out, and she will be more lost.

    Time will tell. I will keep encouraging her.