I had one of those down moments today

[Nancy]

I had to go to the mall for a few errands and walking through I saw so many families with kids and for a few moments I was brought right back to when difficult child was young and the struggles we had with her even then and it made me incredibly sad.

And I was suppose to go over to difficult child's and help her shampoo her carpet today but she never got up until 2:30 pm, I saw her posting pictures on facebook at 5am this morning. So I just dropped off the shampooer and left. She said she was going to clean tomorrow and asked if I would come help but I said no I had plans. She got a roommate, gay guy who works at Taco Bell that is supposedly the son of her neighbor. I'm sure this is another ill fated situation as he has a friend who I also believe is moving in and I'm sure it will be a party house. He was there when I dropped off the shampooer and I decided he can help her clean tomorrow, if she can't wake up in time for our arranged meeting I'm not going out of my way for her.

It just makes me so sad when I think of her future, friends in their 20's working at Taco Bell is about the best she is goign to do, she has no goals, doesn;t want anything better for herself. Driving to her apartment, I passed the neighborhoods I grew up around and was so happy to escape from and now my difficult child is back there, coming full circle. I don't see her ever being able to escape there.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

I'm sorry, Nancy. I totally understand. My difficult child makes plans with me that always fall through. She will sleep the day away, too.

The roommates don't sound great but at least they should help with the bills and your difficult child will have a roof over her head.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Srcsweet2]

I am sorry ...my son even rushes when we have a phone conversation always something to distract him. I completely understand how you feel...we work so hard so that they can have a good life with goals then somewhere along the line they seem to just settle ....not sure why either.

 

[Signorina]

Hey Nancy and Kathy...I too totally understand. I give you so much credit Nancy, for actually following thru and dropping off the shampooer.

I know just what you mean about struggling to understand why your child is living THERE. My son too. I just don't get it. My husband grew up hand to mouth, living in increasingly better or worse rentals depending on how his mom was doing "that year." I can't count how many times we would be driving in an unfamiliar area (to me) on our way to or from somewhere, and H would point out a random apartment building and say "I used to live there." He wanted so much more for his kids and has worked so hard to make sure they live a better life.

I suppose it must seem like a grand adventure to our difficult children and it's another part of OUR lives they can turn their back upon. I know that my kid finds some sort of reverse snobbery in "doing it on his own". His apartment was so disgusting - between the two dirty roommates and the slum landlord. Simply gross.

As far as plans falling though, I've learned to lower my expectations tremendously. I got my hopes up too many times, only to be blown off or disappointed. And I have also learned to stop putting myself out there. Because I think I was teaching him that he CAN take me for granted.

I could really use an instruction manual for these kids.

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy, I so understand your feelings... when I start thinking about difficult child as a young child and missing those times, or just feeling sad for him I have to literally yell at myself to stop it.... I mean really I just cant go there and if I do I cant stay for very long. I really cant believe that my son who grew up in a nice neighborhood with law abiding loving parents, who have never been in trouble is now living on the streets or who knows where, with who knows who doing who knows what. It just appalls me.

TL

 

[dashcat]

I know the feeling, Nancy. It is so hard to let go of what we hoped for them, and so sad when they want so little for themselvs.

 

[DDD]

Understanding hugs coming your way, Nancy. DDD

 

[Hopingforthe best]

Nancy, i am so sorry for your sadness, hugs. I understand the sadness and despair too well. I haven't gone to my church in three weeks because i can't bear to talk about my difficult child with the other parents' whose children are doing well. I am tired of telling lies and saying that my son is doing well - i have been doing that for a while, but now its too much so i avoid situations where i will be asked about him.

 

[Signorina]

I haven't gone to my church in three weeks because i can't bear to talk about my difficult child with the other parents' whose children are doing well. I am tired of telling lies and saying that my son is doing well - i have been doing that for a while, but now its too much so i avoid situations where i will be asked about him.

I feel your pain HHE70.

I never know what to say. My difficult child is still masquerading as a college student and lately I have been just going along with it. "Where is your son at school" - gets "College town" as the answer. I had a brief spell where i was oversharing (mostly out of anger at difficult child) this summer - telling his friends' parents that he was rebelling, estranged and had dropped out. I would be d@mned if I was going to let him save face. After a few glazed looks in return (people were just looking for "fine" and how is your son") I stopped.

Now, I wing it and regardless, I am never really comfortable with my answer.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry Nancy, I know how you feel, I have those moments too. Sigh. I'm learning (for me) it's part of my new "normal" now. (((HUGS)))

 

[buddy]

Awwww Nancy that broke my heart .....and though for different reasons I understand a little ...well that is for me I'd say I've felt a little robbed of parent child experiences that seem so plentiful and even those things that seem like work to so many parents I wish were my day ... I try to remind myself not to compare but just sometimes ..
For those of you who post on sa its even more heart breaking thinking of how for so many of them this could all be so different ....they still have all that potential ..... probably making things worse saying that .....I just wish it could be better... many hugs

 

[lovemysons]

Understanding hugs...

LMS

 

[PatriotsGirl]

(((HUGS))) Nancy...I am having one today. I saw difficult child this morning and she looked awful. She insisted it was because she hadn't showered but I know better. I mentioned how her face looked and got the "but I am a teenager that breaks out" bit. Yeah, because a sore on the side of the face is from a pimple. I haven't stopped crying since.

 

[Nancy]

Aww PG I'm so sorry. I'm crying with you. It must be so hard seeing your difficult child this way. It breaks my heart that they are so unreachable.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

All I keep thinking is, I am the mommy. I am supposed to be able to make it all better. And I can't. I just want so badly to scoop her up, hug her and tell her it is all going to be okay. And yet I know that is not going to make it all okay. It kills me that I am so powerless. And she still says no to rehab. She says she will go to that one program - the one we cannot afford. When I asked what she liked about it and why she thought it was such a great program, she couldn't give me an answer. She just said she can "see herself being successful there" and mentioned how it was a half way house. I told her she needed a program before a half way house.

If she truly wanted to get clean, she would be willing to look at other places. She told me, hey, "at least I am not shooting it anymore. That's a big step." Yeah, like that is supposed to make me feel better?? It doesn't. Not one bit. I was truly better off before seeing her today...

 

[Nancy]

I understand and my heart breaks for you and for all of us and our difficult children.

We have our one year anniversary at our support grop tonight and I am including your difficult child in our prayer requests.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I understand and my heart breaks for you and for all of us and our difficult children.

We have our one year anniversary at our support grop tonight and I am including your difficult child in our prayer requests.

Nancy

Thank you Nancy. I think it may be time to find another support group myself...

 

[dashcat]

Oh, PG, I know. There was a time that, as mommies, we had superpowers. We could make everything better. And you did. We all did. But it is different with addiction. Our superpowers have been thwarted by a power even greater than what we once had. Just know that you have done all you could and that this is bigger than her and it's bigger than you. Somewhere, within her, she knows that too.
Dash

 

[OTE]

So sorry Nancy, I have similar moments. Have to remind myself that they're still young, they can turn around. It's not too late. Hugs.