I had to call police...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Apr 20, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child was being very difficult child'ish today and I came down on him for it. He had a short burst of aggression but that was all it took for me today- I snapped and told him he was going to be taking 7th grade over because he wouldn't get his mind back on school and that at the rate he was going, the probation officer would have him put in detention and the way he's been lately, I didn't know where his head was or what kind of person he was trying to be but if this was it, I was sure they wouldn't let him live at home and I didn't really care because I didn't want him living here that way. About 10-15 mins later, he left (snuck out the back door) and I haven't seen him since. After a while, I started feeling the guilt for having said such mean things- I don't want my son away from home, I want him to do what he's supposed to, Know what I mean?? I want the stability and effort to come back..

    He and his best friend (used to be best friend) haven't been getting along, or at least have been staying away from each other for the past few weeks, since they got in trouble. There haven't been any phone calls between them and I've heard the many daily stories about how each have responded to the other during school, so I think it's a safe bet that he isn't there. There has been a guy trying to call here a lot for difficult child. difficult child says he's in 7th grade too, but he sounds older. I have the number- out of state cell phone. difficult child says he moved here this past year.....

    Changing gears- as I was typing that, here came difficult child. I had already called police and they took a report- I explained about the week we had (medications, hospital, arguement,etc) so he said if they found him they would bring him home and to call right away if difficult child came back. So I called and said he came home- about 15 mins after curfew and walking thru the door apologizing. He had been at this kid's house. Before the policeman returns, kid is already calling for difficult child. I answered and asked for his home phone number- where I could reach a parent- he says they have no other phone- HUH HUH- well, could you tell me where you live , you know, give me your address, and he pulls phone away and I hear him tell his dad what is going on and asking his dad if he should just hang up on me (I actually do hear the voice of an older man in the background replying) and the kid comes back and hangs up on me. So, when policeman gets here and lectures my son, I tell him about this. The kid actually called again during this time- policeman takes phone and starts speaking to this kid, kid then puts his mom on the phone and the cop talks to her and tells her he doesn't blame me for wanting to know who these people are and how I can talk to them and says he has looked on my phone and sees that their son has called here a lot. Anyway, then she is more than willing to talk to me and tell me a phone number.

    I felt kind of bad for her- and I told her that I wasn't out to cause her or her son a problem but it did seem kind of odd that the kid wouldn't provide a parent contact or address and he hung up on me. Sorry, I'm just the kind of Mom that wants to know where her kid is (we're talking 13yo here). And, I was worried because I had never met the other kid, his number had a PA area code, and his voice sounds like he's in his 20's.

    GEEEZ, another typical day in the life of a difficult child and his Mom.

    Does this drama ever end so we can actually have a NORMAL life?
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    It sounds like a rotten day. I, too, would be concerned about this kid and his parents not wanting you to know where your difficult child was going. When M did this, he had invented a whole new past life for various families so that they would pity him and know nothing about us. Some of them fell for it. Some of them didn't. It gives me a warm feeling inside that the police talked to them. ;) Nothing like the fear of jail to put things into perspective.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This could have been one of my stories. I have had to check up on my difficult child's friends also to see if they are who she says they are. I also had the police here once when my difficult child ran away and was at a friend's and her mother lied about difficult child being there. The police actually took the phone when I called her and told her I had every right to know where my daughter was and she had no right to keep that information from me and furthermore she could be charged for allowing my daughter to stay there without my knowledge or permission. To this day this mom thinks I'm crazy, I don't care.

    We as parents need to know where our children are and who they are with. If we suspect anything unusual it is our duty to check that out. I am completely in agreement with you. I am amazed at how many parents seem not to care about who their kids hang with or where they are.

    Hang in there, these are the rough years. Your son sounds so much like my daughter.

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Ladies! Now, I will sit and stress out over difficult child being sent to detention over this. It was a violation of his probation- leaving without my permission plus coming home 15 mins. past PO's curfew, on top of getting arrested last month while on probation. Of course, this leavaes me second-guessing my decision to call police but then what if "this or that"- I just couldn't take the chance and NOT call. Had I known he was just at another kid's house, I would have considered it a "home" problem to be disciplined and dealt with at home, but when I don't know when he's going to be home, if he's out breaking the law, doing something risky with his own life, or going around some fruit-cake adult who has s**ckered him into something, I cannot sit here all night and let this go.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is the dilema I face all the time. I know the sick feeling you have inside when you don;tknow where he is or what he's doing.

    I'm in the same situation, waiting to see if difficult child will be sent to detention May 8.

    Perhaps you can talk to his PO and explain you think you overreacted and that he did come home within 15 minutes of his curfew.

  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Nancy's right. See if you can talk to the PO. However, you did exactly the right thing - he had snuck out and you had no idea on where to look, because you didn't have this other kid's address. difficult child didn't leave that information nor did he tell you where he was going, so he has to wear the consequences.

    We have a rule - EVERY member of the household has to let someone know (preferably the cook for the night) where they are and when they will be home. husband is at work during the day but telephones as he leaves for home. That way if he is several hours late, I know I am right to begin worrying. But if he reminds me he has a doctor's appointment on the way home, I know to not worry.

    easy child 2/difficult child 2 finishes work at 6 pm, collects BF2 from his job then drives home. If they are going to the pub instead, they let me know so I don't include them in dinner plans (and risk wasting food) and also don't worry.

    If the only ones home are me and difficult child 3, I tell him where I'm going. Such as this evening - "Honey, I have to quickly drive to the shops to collect your prescription. I'll be back by 6 pm." Tis way he doesn't worry or get anxious. It also gives him the chance to say, "Mum! While you're there can you buy more milk and ice cream please?"

    Tonight BF2 spoke to husband. "easy child 2/difficult child 2 isn't working tomorrow, are you working?"
    husband said, "Yes, I don't have a day off until next Tuesday."
    BF2: "Can I get a lift with you to work in the morning then, please? And again coming home?"
    We work together, for everyone's benefit.

    These are standard rules you should follow wherever you live, whoever you live with. As students at uni sharing with other students, we would let each other know so we could coordinate plans. If difficult child leaves home he will have to learn this, fast. If he doesn't he is going to find himself alienating the very people he will need to rely on - other people, not his family.

    Don't feel guilty for calling the police. Don't feel guilty for the police talking to the boy and his mother - it was THE BOY who rang, you didn't send the police after them. And from the sound of it, the mother was happy to share their address, I suspect she is more sympathetic than her husband. Either that, or they don't know the true situation, which is quite possible since they have probably heard a lot about difficult child, from difficult child's point of view, and haven't heard your side of things yet.
    If you get the chance, thank the mother for being so open. It would be interesting to get her take on things, to find out what they've been told about difficult child's 'situation'.

    I hope the fallout from this settles soon and difficult child learns to keep you in the loop, for his own benefit if not yours.

  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, apparently neither parent knew anything about what was going on. I guess difficult child just showed up in the neighborhood yesterday, ran into his friend and they hung out at a neighbor's house. So, the Mom's reaction seems pretty normal to me. The dad's however, still doesn't. I can't imagine me telling difficult child to hang up on one of his new friend's parents, just because they wanted to know our home phone number or where we lived. I did hear the other kid tell his dad that difficult child just showed up and wanted to hang out with him- it kind of sounded like difficult child was "pushing" himself into this kid's group of friends. However, I have checked phone records and this kid is calling here a whole lot- more than difficult child is calling him. Actually, he's calling so much that I am worried that he is very bad news in some other way- drugs or something, I don't know.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, what a bad day.
    So sorry about the tacky dad, and possibly freaky friend. I hope that now you've talked to the mom, it will help a bit.
    Good luck with-everything. Wish I had some words of wisdom.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope today was a better day. I think you handled it correctly-you didn't know where he was. It seems very odd that the dad would tell him to hang up.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Just a thought - I'm putting myself in this other kid's household for a minute. The kid is calling you guys A LOT. Maybe while making his call to you (before the police showed up at your place to talk to difficult child) the other boy's father walked into the room and said something like, "You're on the phone AGAIN? How many times do I have to keep telling you? Phone calls cost money! And you've got chores to do/bath to have/homework. Hang that up NOW!"

    Maybe there is nothing freakier than that, in the father. He would only have known what the kid was telling him, maybe not believing the kid when he said, "It's not my friend, it's his mother and she wants our phone number." Or maybe the kid didn't even say that much. He may have just said, "Can I give them our phone number and address?"
    If the father believed the kid was only talking to difficult child, plus was annoyed at the over-use of HIS phone, he could well have just responded with, "I said hang up NOW!"

    I know it's how husband might react. Or might have reacted, before we started using "Explosive Child" methods.

    In a family situation where the father is a controlling tyrant who is suspicious about sharing contact details with strangers, the wife would generally not have been so open and understanding; she would be very much under his thumb (or his authority would be getting constantly undermined). I suspect this is perhaps a misunderstanding, aggravated by their son's inappropriate phone use. It's probably not just your son he rings a lot, he probably does this with all his friends and maybe goes through friends because of it. Maybe his father has been trying to curb his over-use of the phone for some time.

    As for kids sharing their contact details - it took ages for both my boys to think to ask their friends for phone numbers and addresses. difficult child 3 especially, would want to invite classmates to his birthday party, but since his birthday is ALWAYS right before a new school year, he could never hand out invitations at school, we had to have those addresses. And difficult child 3 would never think to ask. He didn't see a reason to, at the end of the previous school year. And after that - it was too late, his birthday would come and go in the summer holidays and again we would have to skip a birthday party with classmates, because he had no way of contacting them.
    I kept asking him, "Get your classmates' addresses and/or phone numbers," but he could never see any reason to so he kept forgetting. Hence - he's never had a birthday party, other than just family.

    I hope you can make some sort of positive contact with this family. Hopefully this other boy is just an inappropriate difficult child, rather than a serious problem. I have found that my sons attract friends with similar issues, and they are very close friendships indeed. difficult child 1's closest Aspie friend through high school, a boy who some teachers at the school considered to be dangerous and scary (he's not, in my opinion), has been an amazingly loyal and law-abiding friend. difficult child 1 wants this friend as Best Man when he marries in November.

  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You might be right, Marg. But, difficult child "disapeared" again tonight. I went looking for him, after I called this kid's mother and said if my difficult child showed up there, please call me. He wasn't gone very long this time- 1/2 hour at most- but I was REALLY upset over it- maybe it is just my definition or interpretation, but I have noticed this stupid thinking goes along with difficult child's cycling. He isn't always this way, really, But there are these periods that come around the same time as completely erratic behavior when he seems to sabatoge himself or make completely irrational decisions or whatever you want to call it.

    Anyway, after I spent about 10-15 mins driving around looking, to no avail, I came home thinking I was going to call and get this kid back on the monitored house arrest, or something. But, he was here when I got home. He had gone to this kid's house- and taken packs of cigarrettes from my car to give (or sell) to this kid. (I keep my cigarrettes locked in my car but my power window tore up on Sat. so he can get in there right now.) So, I call to tell the Mom that her son has cigarrettes that were provided by me son. She wasn't home then, although I did find a message that she had called to tell me she had sent my son home- that is a good sign. So, difficult child says, his Mom doesn't care, I saw her for first time today and she looks like a H**ker, and his dad is the type that will hang up on you again if you speak to him.

    So, I don't know what to make of them- who knows what stories these boys have come up with, but the parents do sound a little different- even the mom sounded like she was hiding something last night- maybe I'm wrong, they might be just as unsure about me. But, I have told difficult child that he is barred from hanging out with this kid- something just stinks about it.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Not too much to offer except I wanted to send hugs.

    My Mommy gut tells me something is up with this kid, and the 2 of them are no good together. Have you figured out how old he is yet? I gotta say the first thing that popped into my mind is that there was some sort of sexual improprieties going on - and then you said the comment about the mom. Hmmmmm:dissapointed:

    Also, when kids get manic they get what is called, grandiose thinking. I used to think that meant that they thought they could fly, or thought they were millionaires or something. However, difficult child gets grandiose thinking just like you are describing your son. It is like his mind is thinking so fast, and he is coming up with all of these ideas at once, and he does not slow down to think one of them through. They can be ideas that are within reason, or not, his mind does not slow down to filter them through enough to identify what kinds of thoughts they are, only that he wants to do them all.

    For instance my son once decided that he was going to go threaten a dad of one of his friends he was fighting with. This dad was 300 lbs, and uh, a DAD. An adult. None of that seemed to enter difficult children radar screen, only that he was mad at this kid, and he was gonna get back at the dad. To me, at least, that is how I have seen the grandiose thinking play out. It sounds similar for your son, in that you see it when he is manic, and he is making choices that are not based on sound realistic choices.

    Where are you on the medications? Have you talked to psychiatrist yet about possibly giving him a PRN when he gets home from school. This sounds like the time his moods are starting to switch.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    klmno -
    I jsut read your post and just thought I would send you a hug.

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you, Star! I needed that! We had an appointment with- a therapist today- the newer one that I was a little concerned about him "getting it" and being able to help. difficult child is still not "back down to earth" and he didn't want to talk to the guy today, which gave me an opportunity to take the entire session alone!! So, along with venting about this past week, I threw in several questions about "have you dealt with many kids this age with mood cycling? are you familiar with the iep process and what is required of sd- like a proper bip? etc" He did seem to know the answers- he just doesn't come across that way I guess. difficult child can't stand him- he seems a little whiney (the therapist). We'll have to work on that!!

    Steely, that is helpful info. I am starting to learn things like difficult child's signs of grandiose behavior and did have to realize that it didn't mean he thought he could fly- in him, it is when he gets a bold look in his eye, may or may not get in my space, and says things like "I'm moving out to get my own apt. and a job tomorrow". Or, when he gets in trouble for something, then turns right around and does it again. I used to think it was pure defiance, but I see now that it isn't. I don't believe it is just coincidence that he can go many months and not exhibit this, or any other sign of cycling, and tries really hard to stay out of trouble; then he gets this way at the same time that other symptoms are there- and more and more I see the irrational thinking at these times (that I used to think he just didn't care or was defiant, etc).

    Yep, I'm with you on the other kid being trouble too. He is 13- Mom confirmed it. But something isn't adding up to being a good kid for difficult child to be friends with- ok, several things point to that. Two months ago difficult child reported to me a kid at school was trying to sell alcohol to students. Now, I hate to think what difficult child and this other kid have gotten into in the past few days. Anyway, I am doing everything in my power to keep difficult child at home right now.

    We have an appointment with psychiatrist next week. since our phone converstaion last week, I'm not sure how this is going to go. I hope he can do something with medications. It is hard to talk to him, though, when difficult child is in the room and sometimes they expect me to talk like difficult child isn't anywhere around, Know what I mean??

    Thanks, Ladies!!
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If difficult child 3 had a friend like your son, I hate to think how he would describe ME! I'm not the average-looking mother, by any means. I remember a woman in our street when I was young. She was a good friend of my mother's, although a lot about her appearance seemed at odds with this - she wore bright red nail polish and bright red lipstick even when just working in the garden (which is when I spoke to her on my way home from school). I remember staring in fascination at that crimson lipstick, to me it seemed greatly exaggerated because we were not permitted to wear make-up.

    This other mother may well be a bit suspicious, just as you are feeling about her and her husband (with reason, I feel). I would proceed with this other boy's parents as if they ARE nice people, but at the back of your mind the possibility that they are not.

    For whatever reason - I would let the other mother know that you have banned difficult child from seeing her son, if for no other reason than to protect her son from difficult child, who shouldn't be stealing your cigarettes let alone supplying them to someone else.

    I don't know how successful you would be, but I'd be making difficult child pay for the cigarettes he stole from you, too. One way or another, he has to be made accountable.

    Mind you, it's easy for me to say, probably much harder for you to achieve if he is being so non-compliant.

    Hugs from Down Under, this is such a difficult situation for you.

  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi, Marg! Don't worry- difficult child is already aware that he will be reimbursing me for the cigarrettes, plus he stays grounded longer. I agree, these could be perfect parents for all I know. I have tried to call the Mom to tell her so she could confiscate the cigarrettes from her son or deal with it however she saw fit- but, she isn;t available to the phone. I do think that the other kid might have instigated some things though- first, my phone records indicate that he was calling here several times a day for the past week or so and difficult child was calling there about once every 2 days. Then, IF difficult child is telling truth, he went over there once for about 15 mins (I know that part is true) and did nothing but give the other kid my cigarrettes. Well, I can only assume that the other kid was expecting them - I can't imagine that difficult child or anyone would show up, hand off cigarrettes and leave, without the other person having any idea what was going on.