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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687716" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This makes sense to me. Does my son lie to protect the idea he has of how I see him, or does he lie to protect his sense of himself as not a screw-up? </p><p></p><p>How simple.</p><p></p><p>He wants that I think well of him so that I feel better towards him.</p><p></p><p>He wants to think well of himself.</p><p></p><p><em>The dog ate my homework.</em> It is not about avoidance of responsibility or culpability. It is about integrity of self.</p><p></p><p>We know that he must accept "the truth" in order to form the commitment to change the reality of his choices. That is the source of my frustration. Part of it.</p><p></p><p>Except that how did I (again) lapse and begin believing that anything about what I think and know have anything to do with what he does or is?</p><p></p><p>But my distress is also about integrity. My own and his.</p><p></p><p>So I looked up the definition of integrity. I like the second one: <em>the state of being whole and undivided.</em></p><p></p><p><em>I want my son to be whole. And I want that we share an undivided view of our shared world and that there not be a huge crevice in the confidence I have in him. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>It feels like I am not whole if I cannot confide more or less in his integrity. I feel something is broken (me?) if he lies to me.</em></p><p></p><p>And really. Is my sense of wholeness something that I confer on myself or is it dependent upon the presence or absence of lies by my son? Is my sense of wholeness really a sieve? Is my son my own safety net? </p><p></p><p>Of course not.</p><p></p><p>He rejects our truth so that he can maintain the stability of his thinking about a good "self."</p><p></p><p>Of course this makes sense. His lying is not about me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687716, member: 18958"] This makes sense to me. Does my son lie to protect the idea he has of how I see him, or does he lie to protect his sense of himself as not a screw-up? How simple. He wants that I think well of him so that I feel better towards him. He wants to think well of himself. [I]The dog ate my homework.[/I] It is not about avoidance of responsibility or culpability. It is about integrity of self. We know that he must accept "the truth" in order to form the commitment to change the reality of his choices. That is the source of my frustration. Part of it. Except that how did I (again) lapse and begin believing that anything about what I think and know have anything to do with what he does or is? But my distress is also about integrity. My own and his. So I looked up the definition of integrity. I like the second one: [I]the state of being whole and undivided.[/I] [I]I want my son to be whole. And I want that we share an undivided view of our shared world and that there not be a huge crevice in the confidence I have in him. It feels like I am not whole if I cannot confide more or less in his integrity. I feel something is broken (me?) if he lies to me.[/I] And really. Is my sense of wholeness something that I confer on myself or is it dependent upon the presence or absence of lies by my son? Is my sense of wholeness really a sieve? Is my son my own safety net? Of course not. He rejects our truth so that he can maintain the stability of his thinking about a good "self." Of course this makes sense. His lying is not about me. [/QUOTE]
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